Babysitter wants me to bite the baby - HELP! - Page 2

[lovepickles]

When my DD went through a brief biting phase around 17 months (while nursing) I would stay silent gently slide my finger between her teeth to get her off of the breast and distract her with a teething toy. It hurt but I knew not to give her ANY reaction or it might encourage her. We don't do time-outs or say "no" for various reasons. It was a difficult phase but we got through it. I feel good about it and am no longer bitten.

I can't say I'd ever feel good about biting a child. My mother bit me. I don't remember it but she does and has told me about it, proudly. Apparently she was cutting my food in front of me and I decided to bite her so she bit back. I can't blame all of my psychological issues on this one incident but it easily represents a clear lack of respect that remains to this day in our relationship.

You are right by coming to this forum to seek advice. My only recommendation is to keep your child with you or a caregiver that will treat your child with the greatest of respect. In my opinion a 16 month old should be better supervised/distracted/engaged so as not to have the opportunity to bite another child. This biting may be an indication of a lack of other, more stimulating and age appropriate activities. The problem is NOT your child, but the environment.

[akind1]

I find it very helpful with my DS (who is 21 months) to tell him what he CAN do vs. what he CAN NOT do. He isn't a biter, but will hit. I try not to say "don't hit mommy!" at least with out also saying "be gentle!" and demonstrating - for us this is stroking a hand on the other person's cheek - showing him how he can touch or interact with something seems to be far more effective than just saying "NO" or "STOP"

For the daycare provider, I would think it may be a bit much to ask her to wear a toddler on her back (I Don't know what the ratio - kids to adult- is, or if she knows or is willing to. plus getting toddler in and out by yourself can be a bit challenging). You could say, such and such works for us at home, please try this. For example, when LO bites me, I offer her (toy, cracker, etc) and say  - bite this if you need to bite something - if you'd like to get my attention (which could also be the case) pat my arm instead of biting. (or something to that effect).

for the babies, some sort of physical separation may be best. can you ask if there is space in the older kid room for your LO?

[mumkimum]

At the babysitter's - are 'biting toys' easy for your child to find?  Maybe using some pacifier clip to attach one to her, so that there's easily and always something else to bite and she can get directed to that.

I offer my dd (who is 18 mo and does sometimes bite, too) ice or water when she does bite.  She's come around to just asking for that instead now and that cuts back a bit on the biting.  When I see her about to bite, sometimes I'll just ask her if she wants ice and she'll stop on her own.  Frozen washcloth or similar teether (instead of ice if someone's not around to supervise as intently) could work pretty well as a substitute.  

[meetoo]

I haven't read all the replies, but get a new daycare!!! The fact that she wants you to bite the baby shows her complete lack of understanding of child development. She also sounds like she is caring for way to many babies. Where I live a home daycare can have no more then 2 children under two including the providers own kids. Good luck! 

[babygirlie]

Afterthought is 20/20. Had she said that in front of all the other mommys... wow i would be tempted to say something like..

"Do you abuse all the children here when our backs are turned?"

"If you ever hurt my child or anyone elses I will report you. Must be a reason you only watch children who can't talk"

"Perhaps you have too many kids if you cannot watch just one. Clearly he is bored and needing attention and NOT being watched at all."

"Perhaps you are not educated in child development and need to take some classes before attempting to run a daycare"

I probably wouldn't have the hootzpa to say it but I would be thinking it!

I do three things when my child bites depending on my mood (and yes I bit her once. I felt like crap for months and it didn't even help)

- Hold her back and say NO, we do not bite, skadaddle and ignore her or

- hold her back and say No and do deep massage to bring her back to reality (if she's having a fit)

- give her chewlery. I can snap it on her clothes and she will go chew on it for hours http://kidcompanions.com/

My child bites because she cannot communicate "no" or unhappiness or a need. Biting gets your attention right quick to figure it out. She also bites because it feels good.

[babygirlie]

someone already said this *delete*

[insidevoice]

My youngest spent about 3 months covered with bite marks (well, really, it was usually only one at a time, but- they were sometimes ugly.)  

The offender?  His older brother.  I could not possibly watch every single moment, and he was SNEAKY about it.  Biting him was never an option.  He was doing it because he was frustrated, because he didn't have words, because it felt good- for a ton of reasons.  I redirected him to bite a vibrating teether and that worked pretty well some of the time.  Other times, not so much.  In is case, it was a phase he had to work through.  Now he pretends to bite and says, "Tasty!!"   We're working on getting rid of that as well because for him it is a display of aggression, but it's better than really biting. 

Sometimes kids just bite.  They don't have the control to stop themselves.  While I did everything I could to prevent it, he needed to mature enough to be able to have impulse control to stop himself.  

Your DCP is way out of line.  Additionally, it is terrible of her to either identify your child as having bitten other children to their parents, or speak to you about the problem in front of other parents.  Totally unprofessional.  In your shoes, I'd be looking for other options.

[Mom2M]

I had a problem with my DD around the same age. She would get frustrated by something she couldn't do or when she couldn't communicate something to us so that we understood her. This combined with teething must have made biting the best option to her at the time. I was so worried that I would have a "biter".

Maybe she is frustrated at the day care because she has to wait for something too long or the day care provider doesn't understand her.
The clip on teether looks like a great idea and DD loved the vibrating teether. She would clamp down on it and it would vibrate really hard and then make her smile. lol

When she bit me or her big sister, we said OW! really loudly. It startled her and she would get upset when she saw that it hurt us. Then I would give her something that she could bite and tell her "you bite this, not us!"
She would grab it and gnaw hard. Even now she will bite something (not a person) when she gets frustrated but it is something she knows is allowed.

It's difficult to be limited in your options for day care, I know how that feels.

[tooraloora]

First off, as another PP said, identifying your child as the biter in front of other parents was not at all okay. Is she even certified? When I took my day care certification course, that was made very clear. When an incident happens between children, the parents are to be told what happened, but the other child is never to be identified. It can be said that "A child bit your daughter," or that "Your daughter bit another child," but that's it. This should have been a private conversation. Her handling of this was incredibly unprofessional.

The fact that she suggested you assault your child blows my mind. Not only was it an unacceptable suggestion, but that she's so comfortable suggesting such a thing makes me really nervous about what could be going on when other adults are not around. Maybe I missed it, but is this a home daycare or a center? In either case, I'd report her at the very least. I understand that your options are very limited (been there, I feel for ya), but if you can possibly arrange anything else, please do so. She doesn't sound qualified to be responsible for the care of young children.

[kayleesmom]

agrees with new daycare. big hugs to u.

[prothyraia]

When another child is bitten by a 16 month old, it's the fault of the person who is supervising them.  End of story.

And yes, one of my kids was a biter, and they do outgrow it, but you can't reliably "teach" them not to bite any more than you reliably "teach" them not to run out into the road.  Which is to say, they will get the idea eventually, but until they do it's your job to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I need to say two things.  First, if your child care provider is seriously suggesting that you bite your child to discipline them, I would think that the child care provider would be willing to do so themselves.  I would get that child away from the childcare provider. I understand that is not ideal, but can you really leave your child in that environment? Second, I'm really disappointed to see so much hostility towards other moms on this board.  When did MDC get so judgmental and hypocritical? If someone disagrees with your position, do you really need to write six walls of text to tell them that they are a horrible human being? It seriously makes me want to find another community. 

[foreverinbluejeans]

Time to find a new child care arrangement.

When toddlers are told No they tune it out. They tend to be told no and hear no so often that they just tune it out. You don't want their name associated with no. Time outs don't work for young children and thay don't teach good behavior. Time outs do work for upset parents that might do something like bite their child.

What works best with children is authoritative parenting. People that use an authoritative style have high expectations but don't rely on punishment. We know punishment makes kids resent parents and makes them behave worse. With this little girl we would change the situation - get her out of that day care. At home we would minimize situations when she could bite her sibling. She might like food or teethers to chew on. If she bites her sibling you could say, "ouch, it hurts to bite others but you can bite this carrot." Teach the sibling to avoid biting situations.

Here is an article about saying no and toddlers

http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/how-to-say-no 

[Quinalla]

Giving something else that is satisfying to bite and consistently redirecting (usually before the bite happens, but you can't always catch them before) and making sure something like that is always available when the child is teething or going through a biting phase. All kids go through it. Biting is satisfying in a lot of ways and when they are in the period where they can't communicate well, they often bite out of frustration or to get attention and also because it feels good. When I can tell it is out of frustration, I try to encourage her to use words that she knows instead.

And yes, I will use a brief time-out on a successful bite or multiple attempted bites in a brief period to teach her that when you bite (or hit and that sort of thing) you get separated from everyone else for a bit. It's not really a punishment even, just a logical consequence of hey you hurt someone, so you take a break from being with people for a bit. Even if she doesn't get that yet, I think the brief separation makes sense regardless and gives her a break from the situation that was overwhelming her.

I would give the daycare provider the benefit of the doubt that she was just really frustrated or pressured by the other parents in the moment and doesn't really want you to bite your kid. Talk to her about it, go over some ideas on how to prevent (more positive attention, watching out for triggers, etc)/redirect/separate your kid after/etc. For me, I would take it as a cry for help. And also discuss with her to let her know (if she doesn't) that biting at this age is normal and expected, not that it is ok and there aren't things she needs to do to deter it, but it is going to happen sometimes.

[Imakcerka]

So baby is crawling around and biting other babies... um... is baby being watched? I realize things can happen rather quickly but it sounds like the DP isn't doing enough monitoring. I've sat at my old DPs house all day before ( we became friends) and her system with biters was full on watching. It's a phase it passes. However keeping a little one busy is the best method. 16mos doesn't need to be playing around infants. However if it's babies in that age range, she needs to be down on the floor with them. Our DP would bring the biter with her if she had to leave a room and if she was making lunch the biter sat in a highchair next to her with crayons or a toy.

Good luck and if she's the best your town has... I would look for the second best because she would have dropped a level with me for that. If she's telling you to do it... is she doing it?