Oh my goodness temper tantrums!

[brennan]

Holy cow, dd has been throwing epic temper tantrums lately.  In fact she's throwing one right now.  How do you deal with them?  Lately its about things that I do that she all of a sudden decided that she needed to do.  Like if I help her take off her sandals after I ask her if she wants help or to do it herself and she tells me she wants help.  All of a sudden she wanted to do it and how dare I not know.  Major screaming kicking just repeating "not mommy do it E do it!  Don't take of my sandals!!" 

How do you deal with them?  Dd is almost 3 and I'm very pregnant so I don't feel comfortable with bear hugs (because she kicks a lot and I don't want to get kicked in the belly).

[elizaMM]

Is she hurting anyone or anything when she kicks? If not, let her do it. She is expressing herself. Suppressing that is counterproductive.

Reading this makes me realize my son hasn't had one like that in quite a while. Sometimes I would sit near him but if that pissed him off I would just leave the room, then come back when it sounded like he had calmed down and usually by then he was ready for some comforting.

Also see my recent answer to the question about the incessant screamer.

[lifeguard]

I generally just walk away. To another area of the room or the next room. I tell ds I'm there if he needs me & I tell him I understand he is upset but I don't stick around to be kicked. He pretty much always settles on his own & seeks me out. If it goes on for more than 2-3 minutes I come back to check how he is doing & tell him again I understand & that I am there. But quite honestly there is nothing I can do/say that makes the situation better & quite often it seems my attempts make them worse.

After though I try to look at what triggered the reaction & see how we can incorporate things into our day to avoid those situations (sometimes they are unavoidable). Recently ds will decide he wants to do something himself that I know full well he cannot do himself but helping him throws him into a full out tantrum. If I let him try for a couple minutes he will either ask for my help or I can offer it again & he'll accept. Sometimes it would be much faster to just do it myself but giving him those few minutes makes things go smoother overall.

[brennan]

That's good to hear.  I've been telling her that she can scream and kick but she can't do it in my face (she likes to get right up in my face) and I have walked away.  That usually though results in her following me around screaming at me.  When she calms down she always asks for a hug and says sorry (without prompting) and that always makes me feel guilty.  Today we had 2 tantrums, one over her wanting to do something that I had done and one because I didn't want her climbing on me while I folded laundry.  I asked her to please stop screaming in my face and to go somewhere else, but part of me feels bad for telling her that in order to be around me she has to be well behaved.  Am I sending that message?  The tantrums are getting worse and more frequent, but I'm also very emotional and tired right now so I'm not a parenting superstar right now, so that could be increasing their frequency.  

[colsxjack]

I do not think you should feel guilty about telling your child that you will not accept her screaming in your face. Not many people would want someone screaming in their face. I do not think it sends the message that you only want her around when she is well behaved. Not in itself. Maybe if you do not accept any behaviour other than "good" behaviour.  But letting her know that people will not accept her screaming in their face is doing her a service in my opinion. It is teaching her that although it is OK to be angry and frustrated, you cannot be abusive to people. Screaming in someones face or kicking them is not OK.

When my DD has a tantrum I try to stay close by. I try not to sound annoyed. Sometimes I try to make things better, which usually makes things worst. I try to ride it out without much reaction (not always easy) and then I try to continue on afterwards with the activity or get her to use her words to tell me she was frustrated because she wanted to do it herself. Sometimes I try to find something else she can do herself and give her an opportunity or I just tell her that next time she can do it herself.

Our DD also has a fit when she says she wants one thing and then decides on a different want after the fact. It happens often. For now we take the approach of asking more than once and then pausing for a bit to give her the opportunity to change her mind. Because she does often change her mind from her original decision.

[mommyofgb]

My DD is almost 3 too and she is totally the same way. ''No, don't! I wanted to do it!'' Everything is a battle, especially getting in the car and putting on her own carseat buckle. I stay calm and say ''ok honey you can do it. Go ahead.'' And I wait until she attempts to buckle her self and when she can't I ask her if I can help her. Most of the time she will oblige after minutes of my extreme patience wearing thin. However yesterday I took her and her brother to an indoor play place and when I told her it was time to go she threw a tantrum and proceeded to yell ''DAMN IT!!'' and kick me!!! Talk about humiliating. I just stay calm and wait for her tantrum to be over and then I tell her that her behavior is not nice and that it hurt mommy's feelings.