Daughter convinced she "needs" braces we can't afford - help! - Page 3

[Lisa85]

Is the issue that you truly can't afford it or that you see no reason that she needs them because in your opinion, she is already beautiful?  Here, 14 is old enough to legally work a part time job.  There are a lot of restrictions on the hours they can work (not past 7, I believe).  If it means that much to her, I would let her know that I could put $XX towards it, and she can work to earn the rest.

If your true reason is only cost, then stop bringing up all the extra (feminist) reasons.  If your suspicions are true, that she is rebelling against her feminist upbringing then hounding home the point is only going to make it worse, especially if the real reason is cost.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by ozark 

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

This information makes me feel uncomfortable, and I find it hard to believe that you are serious.
Edited by Adaline'sMama - 9/15/11 at 1:02pm

[Imakcerka]

I was kind of thinking that too. Except I do know people like this. The I did this and that's why my kid is perfect, I'm a better parent than you types.

I will say my kids don't have eye problems because I spit in their eyes as infants... my grandma told me too... wait I'm lying I didn't do that.

[Adaline'sMama]

I put breastmilk in my babies eye, and I totally do think breastmilk helps with teeth but holy funny, (isnt that what you say Imakcerka? ) Ill bet this opens up a can, personally Id rather my kid have a cold than nurse at 6 years old. Lots of moms do it, but not me, not ever. IMO, old enough for school = too old for boobies.
Edited by Adaline'sMama - 9/15/11 at 1:03pm

[APToddlerMama]

A 5 page essay to be allowed to shave her legs?  I understand the values you're trying to raise her with, but maybe you've forgotten how brutal junior high and high school can be.  Not allowing her to do things like shave her legs is more likely to lead her to rebel from your ideals than embrace them if you ask me.  At some point, we need to start turning over some control and responsibility to our kids.  As for the braces, if you can't afford them, you can't afford them.  Don't underestimate how much not having straight teeth may be impacting her confidence though.  If it was my kid, I would try to work out a plan for her to work towards paying a portion, and me to work towards paying a portion, even if it was small, with the stipulation that my portion would only be donated to the cause if she followed through on brushing, cutting soda, etc.  I would give her a path towards getting the braces though, even if that didn't involve a penny out of my pocket.  I'd at least sit down, talk about the costs, how many hours of work she'd need to do to pay for them, what sorts of jobs she might be able to do, how to get those jobs, etc.  Brushing her off as if she is anti-feminist for wanting straight teeth is going to make her feel like you are minimizing her feelings and are out of touch (not saying you are out of touch). 

[karne]

As with many things this age, I am discovering, the adult interpretation of a situation can be vastly different than that of an adolescent.  My dd has a tooth that is descending very, very, slowly.  The dentist thinks it's fine-we'll re-eval every 6 mos at the cleanings.  I cannot tell you how mortifying my dd finds this tooth issue.  She is convinced everyone sees it, that she looks different from her friends...really to the point that she went through a time of smiling with a closed mouth.  We offer lots of reassurance, and try to understand that her perception is different from ours.

Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.

[Imakcerka]

Yes holy funny is my thing.

APT, sometimes we forget what it's like to be that age and we put our hopes and expectations on our girls in an unrealistic way. My little sister called me at 14 crying her eyes out because Mom wouldn't let her shave or pluck her eyebrows. She had 1 brow. And it was ferocious! Also we're half mexican... gee whiz did my sister get the hairy end of the stick. While she tried hard not to let things get to her, those legs were practically warming devices. And people always commented about her stache! I begged my step dad to let her shave and take her in to get her brow made into two and bleach her crumb catcher.

Heck yes, my mom was mad at us. However she wasn't seeing what dad and I saw. She ignored the fact that she was stressed every day going to school and felt uncomfortable all the time. No matter how much we hope they can just love their bodies, it's not always going to happen that way. Making her remain hairy like the good lord... or something like that made her was not fair. Especially since I know for a fact my mother owns stock in hair bleach and wax! I kid.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by ozark 

Ya know, my naturopath had always told me that the need for braces and number of cavities are closely related to how long the patient was breastfed.

Could it be that you took your sweet DD of the breast too soon? If so, then the cost of the braces should only be on your shoulders.

I breastfed my girl til 83 months (6years, 3 mo) and at 25 she still has never had a cavity or a cold.

I nursed all my children till they were around 3.  2 do not need orthodontia - one does.  All 3 had numerous childhood cavities - but have had few cavities adult teeth.  That is life.

There are numerous reasons for childhood decay and needing of orthodontia - I would not for one minute assume a child with dental issues was the result of premature weaning.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

A 5 page essay to be allowed to shave her legs?  I understand the values you're trying to raise her with, but maybe you've forgotten how brutal junior high and high school can be.  Not allowing her to do things like shave her legs is more likely to lead her to rebel from your ideals than embrace them if you ask me.  At some point, we need to start turning over some control and responsibility to our kids.

Ditto. I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until my MOM thought I was ready. This resulted in lots of embarrassment, me wearing jeans through all of 6th grade (which also got me picked on & made fun of, since it was often over 90 degrees), and ultimately going behind her back & just shaving on my own, even though I was generally a very very very obedient 'perfect' child. I had a really visceral reaction to reading about the 5-page-essay thing.

Originally Posted by karne 

Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.

I agree with this too. I don't know, this thread is actually really triggering for me to read, that feeling of being so controlled by my parents and my feelings so minimized & ridiculed... I am not saying the OP is anything like my parents, just that it brings up similar feelings for me, things I think contributed to an eating disorder & other really serious issues... Maybe I'm just sensitive, IDK.

And I can't tell you how much easier it is for me to eat food because I had braces. I don't know how bad my teeth were, maybe they were really bad, all I know is I was never able to eat apples, corn, popcorn, etc. until after I'd had braces. But I guess if the dentist says they are fine then your DD's teeth probably aren't that bad.

Oh and I was weaned by 9mos and I have never had a single cavity (though I did need braces!)

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Adeline'sMama-
I need you to remove your post calling someone a troll and your subsequent discusion of it. Feel free to debate the post, but do not turn things into a personal attack. Disagreements are fine as long as they are respectful.

[Imakcerka]

Does the person who didn't do anything but criticize the mother by using a holier than thou comment need to remove hers too? It was basically telling her that she didn't do right by her daughter by not nursing her kid til she was 6 thus giving her perfect health.

I too criticized the mother but then recanted when I realized I was being unfair. And thankfully she accepted my apology.

[pigpokey]

Closely related?  I very much doubt it.  I think if you factor in that parents who breastfeed are more likely to pay some attention to nutrition, there is probably no relationship.

I was breast fed for 6 weeks.  I had widely spaced teeth in a perfect bite and no cavities until well into adulthood.

My daughter was nursed for over 5 years.  She has had numerous cavities starting around the time of weaning and went into orthodontia at 7.

My son was nursed for over 4 years and has had one or two cavities. He will need very little orthodontia if any.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Does the person who didn't do anything but criticize the mother by using a holier than thou comment need to remove hers too? It was basically telling her that she didn't do right by her daughter by not nursing her kid til she was 6 thus giving her perfect health.

I too criticized the mother but then recanted when I realized I was being unfair. And thankfully she accepted my apology.

As long as a sentiment, whether or not you or I agree with it, it expressed respectfully, it can stay. Again, disagreement is fine. It's part of a discusion community.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by karne 

Not saying that the OP's dd needs braces, just that sometimes it's important to meet your child's concerns with empathy, and leave it there for a while.  Overthinking it through whatever lens you use (feminism, AP, etc.) doesn't always lend anything to the situation because that's not what it's about for your child.

This is a good point.

Currently with 2 kids in orthodontia and knowing first hand the expense, extra work and PAIN involved, I feel like the odd one out in the thread for not being gun ho about getting braces for kid who doesn't need them. 

But I believe when we speak very respectfully to our teens and take their point of view seriously, things go better in our relationships with them.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

It you have a question regarding the moderation of the thread, please PM me and avoid taking the thread further off course.

[Shantimama]

I was bottle fed and didn't see a dentist until adulthood. I have straight teeth and no cavities. My daughters were both breastfed for over 4 years, have had good nutrition and dental care. They both have badly needed braces. Maybe their teeth would have been even worse if they had not breastfed but I am thinking it was getting their dad's teeth-genes instead of mine that led to the scary orthodontist bills.