Incessant screaming in 34 month old...is this normal??

[mamika]

DS, 34 months old, will have an episode of this horrendous all-out incessant screaming about once a month. It's like a temper trantrum however he's almost 3 and can understand so much more now than when he was younger. He can talk and when I tell him to stop he says that he can't. It's almost like he's entranced the way he screams without stopping for 20 minutes. It happens rarely when he doesn't like what's going on, for example we are going home from a playdate and he wants to stay and play. It doesn't happen all the time. Most of time other discipline strategies work without the huge tantrum. I try to make sure he's not overly tired nor hungry. It seems like they have even gotten worse in the past 6 months. I thought temper trantrums would be going away by 3. I'm so confused about what's going on here and honestly these episodes bring me to my knees! Please tell me anyone, is this normal?? Does it go away and when? 

[elizaMM]

I read recently that the Terrible Twos is a misonmer--that tantrums are actually worse at age three. And they don't magically disappear either, they taper off. It sounds like just another quirky toddler thing that will pass. Are you trying to help him learn words to identify his feelings? Are you giving him warnings that a transition is coming soon (we're leaving in 5 minutes...2 minutes....once more down the slide and then we are getting in the car)? It sounds like he is really upset and actually expressing it in a better way than some. At least he's not hurting anyone, right? There's the Happiest Toddler on the Block suggestion: "You are MAD MAD MAD!" Apparently it can be helpful to say it for them. They feel "heard"?

[mamika]

Thanks for your comments elizaMM. I am trying to take it all in stride since I know this is part of this stage of development. We just had another screaming fit. This time DS refused to pick up his toys. I firmly said that you need to pick up your toys or you will go straight to bed w/out tea and a cookie (a bedtime family ritual we have) and since he didn't listen I felt I needed to enforce my words so I put him to bed. I did give warnings and quite a few chances beforehand because honestly I didn't want him to go straight to bed but I felt like I had to reinforce. Then the screaming started and I remained calm and said as soon as you are ready to talk in a normal voice you can come of the bedroom. Screaming continued for about 10 minutes of agony and now he's calming down with dad. I had no idea that the threes could get even worse than the twos. DS1 has always been difficult. I have a 10 month old that to this day has always been so easy compared to DS1. I am at a lost for how to curb these screaming spells. I can't give him everything that he wants. He's testing the boundaries more and more each day. I'm nervous that this will go on forever. :( 

[lovepickles]

I personally think that the problem lies within your use of conditional punishment. For example: If you don't do ____ I'll do ____ . People don't like being talked to like that. My husband tries to pull that on me sometimes and it makes me feel like having a screaming fit, so honestly I don't blame your kid for freaking out. He's getting older and can better understand your control over him. Clearly he doesn't respond well to it.

There are many more creative solutions. I don't like Harvey Karp beyond infants
(he is WAY off the mark with praise and bribes) but I LOVE Alfie Kohn's book called Unconditional Parenting.

 Good luck! <3

[anjsmama]

I tend to agree with this. My DS started resisting my "control-like" behaviors around 2.75 and started driving me NUTS with crazy fits - it helped me realize what I was doing and backtrack. May want to check out the Gentle Discipline forum, those mamas have LOTS of great advice. For this particular situation, I find phrases like this to be MUCH more helpful - "I know picking up your toys isn't fun, but putting away the things we take out is part of life. It's one of the ways we take care of our home/space/room. Let's do it together so we can have our tea & cookie." 

Also - if he seems to "snap" REALLY easily, like one second I'm fine and then I'm off the deep end - you may want to consider food and sleep issues - like apnea and intolerances - not just getting fed and going to bed if you KWIM. Best of luck.

Originally Posted by lovepickles 

I personally think that the problem lies within your use of conditional punishment. For example: If you don't do ____ I'll do ____ . People don't like being talked to like that. My husband tries to pull that on me sometimes and it makes me feel like having a screaming fit, so honestly I don't blame your kid for freaking out. He's getting older and can better understand your control over him. Clearly he doesn't respond well to it.

There are many more creative solutions. I don't like Harvey Karp beyond infants
(he is WAY off the mark with praise and bribes) but I LOVE Alfie Kohn's book called Unconditional Parenting.

 Good luck! <3

[kayleesmom]

my daughter liked to scream at 3 n didnt completely stop she still does it at 4. although has taken on the art of whining as her work.

[mamika]

I get what you are saying about the conditional punishment and I will try to change the way I phrase things. I don't usually say comments like....if you don't than I do...until after DS is really pushing the limits. However, DS has lost it other times as well with the same screaming behavior solely because DS didn't want to go home. This parenting thing is so much work. DS has turned into a miny monster. Whatever I say, he fights. Lets wash our hands...NO. Lets use the potty before we go to the park...NO. Lets put on your shorts before we go to the park...NO. Let's eat lunch...NO. I just hope this is a phase and will be over soon. It's really tiring when DS fights all the small things. I really appreciate all the advice. I prefer constructive criticism so please offer any concrete suggestions you may have. I'll go check out the gentle discipline forum as well and maybe I can get some more advice.  

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by mamika 

I get what you are saying about the conditional punishment and I will try to change the way I phrase things. I don't usually say comments like....if you don't than I do...until after DS is really pushing the limits. However, DS has lost it other times as well with the same screaming behavior solely because DS didn't want to go home. This parenting thing is so much work. DS has turned into a miny monster. Whatever I say, he fights. Lets wash our hands...NO. Lets use the potty before we go to the park...NO. Lets put on your shorts before we go to the park...NO. Let's eat lunch...NO. I just hope this is a phase and will be over soon. It's really tiring when DS fights all the small things. I really appreciate all the advice. I prefer constructive criticism so please offer any concrete suggestions you may have. I'll go check out the gentle discipline forum as well and maybe I can get some more advice.  

I understand.  However, I've chosen (mostly) not to get into the fights.  If I told DS that he needed to wash his hands so we could go to the park, if he didn't wash his hands we simply wouldn't go.  I wouldn't turn it into a battle. Really frustrating for a bit, but it is a phase that seems to pass. My three year old didn't START screaming and saying "NO!" until he was nearly three.  I don't expect it to go away any time soon. 

FWIW, I am much less 'unconditional parenting' than many here.  Even so, taking away something that is a calming family ritual from a kid who is obviously in need of calming, probably isn't te best approach.  "Your screams are hurting my ears, you need to stop or go to your room to do that where you won't be so disruptive to the family. When you have stopped screaming, we will all have our tea and cookie together."  I would then escort the child to a space away from the family where his screams would not be such a problem.  By three, I would also expect that MOST of the time when I told them to stop screaming they would do so.  We were visiting my parents this evening when my three year old started screaming at everyone and being very angry.  I had him sit on his own for a moment then talk to me quietly.  I told him that he needed to stop screaming and settle down, and I gave him a couple suggestions of things TO do (color, help me finish getting dinner ready...) and he was ok.  He did need for me to set those limits in place for him though.