Just a warning: I believe this is going to turn out to be a very very long post!
So let me begin. I remember the first day I decided I wanted to achieve a natural birth. It was after watching the business of being born that I had an "Epiphany" that I was going to let my body do what it was meant to do and deliver with no meds.
After the decision and long discussions with DH on what we want to do (because he needed to be 100% supportive too) we decided to do Bradley classes. We went the full 12 weeks (our last class was two weeks before due date) so all the classes were fresh in my mind. We learned so much, there is no way I could of gotten through all those contractions if it wasn't for the relaxation tips and everything else I had learned in class. Me and DH had become invested in having a natural birth!
So, now for the birth story.
I went to bed at midnight with no contractions at all (me and DH did a little DTD which must of been what set it off) but at 1:30am I woke up with contractions 2 minutes apart lasting about a minute long. We were told to go to the hospital when I was unable to talk through contractions. We waited at home an hour and I tried to eat, play video games, watch TV, etc but the contractions always called to my attention.
3am we arrived at the hospital and I was 6cm dilated. Everything seemed fine, contractions were still 2 minutes apart. We walked around and chatted between contractions for a couple of hours until about 10am when things started to speed up. I got into the tub when my contractions started to get longer but it slowed us down so I got out. 1pm came around and my contractions were now 1 to 2 minutes apart about 2 minutes long each. I was 9 1/2 dilated by then and I felt the urge to push. The baby was no where near dropping, so it was a waste to push, but pushing felt good so the midwife let me to deal with the pain.
3 hours went by where my contractions were like that. I don't remember much except falling asleep and waking up to Dh saying, "we can do one more contraction" and wishing I would never wake up when I went back to sleep. It was now 4pm and nothing had happened. Since I was taking too long at 9 1/2cm the midwife said that we need to give me pit. She said that my contractions were not powerful enough and that I might even need a c-section if we don't act quickly enough since 1)I will get too tired and 2)my hips might be too small. (I know, why didn't I think she was crazy when she said that at the hospital?)
At 10:15pm my water broke and 15 minutes of pushing my son was born at 10:31pm.
It sounds like an amazing birth story, but it wasn't because after getting the pit I ended up begging for the epidural. I remember looking into my husbands eyes when I told him I couldn't do it anymore. He was crying and telling me I am too strong to give up. (It kills me that he cried, it really does! He was so invested into this) I hate thinking that I was the person that, even making it through 15 hours of hard labor and even transition, I got the epidural. I was unable to have my natural birth because I was in "too much pain". I could of just pushed through it, but at the time I just didn't have that mind set so I feel like a failure.
So here I am! My son is now a month old and I still cry every day when I remember how my labor went. I just can't seem to get over it. I had this big dream of what would happen and it didn't happen that way at all. I have talked to a doula about it and she says I have to "mourn the loss of a labor". It is so hard to mourn though.
Has anyone gone through this? How did you handle it? How should I be handling it?