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September Dating Thread - Let's all FALL for the right kind of men who are actually good for us!

post #1 of 72
Thread Starter 

Why is it so hard to be objective when our insecurities are rife and our egos need stroking?  When we crave a reprieve from the daily grind as a single parent and excitement is so alluring but leads to feeling even worse in the end...?  ARGH!  Enough.  We all deserve our incredibly nice guys to ride in on a white horse and be there for us, in a solid 'good guy' sort of way.  And we need to actually be the kind of women who deserve such stable, fabulous men to stick by our side.

 

What advice do you have for the rest of us on how to be that/do that?

 

I'm all ears.....

post #2 of 72

I dont even know where to start with dating! I never have a chance to get out without my kids, no one to watch them. :(

post #3 of 72

A couple of guys flirted with me recently, and I watched myself totally shut down-- felt intensely uncomfortable and then it was like a wall going up.   Too soon, I guess.  I don't want a date but I would love a hug from one of those 'good guys' described.

post #4 of 72

I had no intentions of dating.  I am a SMBC of an almost 3 year old.  I work full time and take her to work with me.  I just bought my first home.  We have a full life with good friends.  I am pretty exhausted so the thought really never crossed my mind.  Enter ex-boyfriend from many years ago who has recently seperated from his wife.  I go from feeling like "I can handle this and we'll all come out alive regardless of what happens" to "not sure I can so this".

 

It is hard and I just don't know if I can do it but when I stop trying to analyze the jeepers out of everything, I am enjoying myself....I think :).

 

Clearly I have NO advice, I just wish it were easier!

post #5 of 72

I think it's too soon for myself, too...I've only been single for 3 months and it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. I just get lonely at times. My boys dont really have a male influence in their lives, either, and I think that's important. No guy would ever want me, anyways.

post #6 of 72

Wait!  Where is that coming from?

Quote:
Originally Posted by animegeekmom View Post
No guy would ever want me, anyways.


That voice is lying to you, hon.
 

 

post #7 of 72

This is NOT true. I felt this way for a long time and it is NOT TRUE.

I have recently began dating and found that there are plenty of men who are interested in me.

I spent three years working on me.  And do believe I would have something to offer a mate.

Hugs mama. I have been there with that feeling and it is a lie.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by animegeekmom View Post

I think it's too soon for myself, too...I've only been single for 3 months and it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. I just get lonely at times. My boys dont really have a male influence in their lives, either, and I think that's important. No guy would ever want me, anyways.



 

post #8 of 72

Animegeekmom,

 

It has only been 3 months you have been single.  There's no hurry in finding anyone.  What you could take this time to do is work on your self-esteem.  Try and find what you really want to do / really want to be.  It can be something big like writing a novel, or can be something small like wanting to learn how to cook Persian food, for example. (which you can do by yourself...libraries have great books and there are some great resources online on Youtube, etc.)

 

Even with limited financial resources we can all be creative to fulfill our goals/dreams. 

 

You will most likely find that in your quest to find yourself and your self-esteem you might cross paths with a great guy.  And if you don't?  It doesn't matter.  You will be happy, and your kids in turn will be as well.

post #9 of 72

I am ready to date casually, but can't because my divorce seems to never be finalized, and I have a really conservative divorce judge.  I am taking this enforced singlehood to really think about why I am attracted to the kind of men I am, and then to try to change who I am attracted to.  I tend to choose alcoholic, verbally abusive men.  My dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic when I was a kid (He's been sober for 20+ years now though and is a great father) but the pattern established in childhood persisted.  Also, I enjoy drinking, and I enjoy going to bars- and alcoholics are there.  I don't drink very much, though, even if I go out I only have 2 drinks.  Psychologists also say that when we have a 'type'- be in a physical type or a social type that we are consistently attracted to, that usually we are just trying to make up for failed relationships- we had a previous relationship with that type, and by being attracted to that type we are trying to correct our past mistakes and make that failed relationship work again.  My hope is that I can find a super nerd for myself....and that my divorce gets finalized this year!

post #10 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

\  Psychologists also say that when we have a 'type'- be in a physical type or a social type that we are consistently attracted to, that usually we are just trying to make up for failed relationships- we had a previous relationship with that type, and by being attracted to that type we are trying to correct our past mistakes and make that failed relationship work again. 



Hmm this could make sense for me and it is what I struggle with most. I have pretty much sworn off dating (being pregnant and all) but still have my profile on dating sites, I don't seek them out but if they seek me out I will talk to/.meet them. And since I have decided for myself to be VERY picky I have been meeting some really great guys. The problem is I am not physically attracted to any of them. They would all make great friends but I can't see getting intimate with any of them and of course they are seeking a relationship. And the guys I am physically attracted too have nothing good to offer me and more often then not just bring problems :/

post #11 of 72

you are not alone holly.

post #12 of 72

Septembers thread is very interesting so far...Lots of single moms NOT wanting to date...sounds like a good time to focus on some personal growth;-)? Well here is my story...Last april i decided to take a few months off from dating. It was kind of involuntary because I had dated a handful of guys casually in the past year after a pretty big heartbreak...I was also on facebook and feeling very overwhelmed socially. The last date I had was a somewhat awkward first date that was ok, but i didnt really want to go out again and i felt really bad about that, i didnt know how to handle it...And I just knew I needed a break. I got off facebook and deleted my profile from OKC and just simplified. I pared it down to just my family, a few friends and once in awhile i'd go out when i was feeling good and strong. At the time also i was feeling very unhappy in my job, and where i live. I kept making plans to move away, out of desperation I think. I am a single mom of three and on assistance, without anyone to help with the kids(to work more or go to school), and was desperately trying to figure out where to go from there. So fast forward to maybe a month or so ago...things improved. I decided to homeschool my kids(i really do make things complicated!) and canceled my moving plans(well put them on hold for now anyways) and i just felt so good about my simple life and being alone. I decided to go back on OKC and give online dating another try, and i felt good about it. Not long after I met this guy and we really clicked. He is 26 and i am 32. We have alot in common and there are big differences too, in our personalities, which i like. I couldn't stand to be with someone too much like me, lol, as much as i like myself;-) Well after msging, and texting for a few days and then talking on the phone a few times we decided to meet. He lives about an hour away and while i had within 25 miles checked on my profile, he found me and i was blown away by his profile. He was gorgeous and replied to my long messages, and i loved his voice and it was just so easy to talk. So the night before we decided to meet(we had only been talking for maybe 5 days, but were blown away by each other. impulsive i know, but that's me:-P) he sends me a message that says he is in a wheelchair. (I knew he lived at home and this explained that somewhat. He does have a good job as a mechanical engineer and is brilliant...His message, like all of his msgs, was so heartfelt and honest and I felt that because of the short time we'd been chatting that you know, it just added another layer to this person i was just getting to know. I have never been around anyone in a wheelchair, but felt that it wasn't a dealbreaker, i really wanted to meet him. Our date was amazing. I wasn't sure what to expect and was a little surprised by him, but felt as connected to him irl as on the phone and messaging. Unfortunately things in my life got crazy last week(our date was sunday, last). When I met him nothing was going on, except school for the kids was about to start, and i still need to figure that out. I knew things were coming up(alot of things! A friend temporarily moving in before moving across the country, another friend coming to visit in about a week, my kids dad is moving away, a new job opportunity, etc but the reality of things takes adjustment and i never really think that far ahead, just that 'eh of course i can handle this, itll be fun!'), Why does everything happen at once?!  So we texted and msgd all week and made tenative plans to meet again on Sunday(today). We both have Monday off and it seemed like a good chance to spend some time together. Except that I had to cancel because I am overwhelmed with all these new changes. I needed some alone time and he was hurt at first, i think, and thought it meant i was changing my mind...And then yesterday I started thinking about it and decided it was madness, that things were so complicated from the start, it could never work. I think he is very confused right now and so am I. I have been regretting sending him that message, because i really want to get to know him, but I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to talk about these things. I was reading some archived ldr posts on here and i am amazed by the positive things people say about ldr's even when you can't visit much or at all. He is younger than me but seems to be responsible and he told me he does want kids and marriage which i have and want...I don't know what questions to ask and i feel like in some ways things are already too serious, but then i think it's only been just over a week that i met him. We can slow this down right? We are both kind of intense people...We texted a little this morning and i told him i was confused and needed a few days to think this over. So that's where im at...trying to figure things out:-P In the meantime, adjusting to the craziness of life all around me and I really need to get caught up on my homeschool records  and apply for this new job, at the library. I've been waiting for this and have to get it!  I will feel much better once i get these things done, i think:-)

 

post #13 of 72

I know I am not ready to date..  only because I dont have the time to invest on getting to know anyone.  I find some guys at school super attractive, but they all see me like the "mommy" with baggage nobody wants...  my kids are most important than anything, so if I can meet anyone at school because of my label, I'm ok with that, hoping later when I graduate, I will meet a decent christian man with his act together, ready to love me and the kids!  stillheart.gif

post #14 of 72

I wonder how people do dating casually and SLOWLY. If I like someone, and they like me--it just seems like it gets intense pretty quickly. I find myself totally preoccupied, thinking about our conversations, possible future conversations, etc. It borders on obsessive and it's very distracting. It sometimes makes me think that I need to hold off on dating until I can have a cooler head about it, but then I also wonder if that's just how people think when they really like someone? I tend to think that I do things dysfunctionally, but I'm not sure.

 

I'm dating this guy, Bond, and have been for about a month now. We have gone out many times and are talking online almost every day. We aren't sleeping together and have mutually agreed that we're not interested in having sex until/unless we are more serious. I'm thinking six months of dating is a good boundary for me--since I have NEVER waited to sleep with a dating/relationship partner. I am almost 30 and have just jumped into relationship after relationship--was married 5 years but our divorce is official on Wednesday. I really only had one or two other semi-serious relationships before my marriage, so I don't really know what I'm doing and I feel kind of like a teenager. I mostly just went the route of: start talking to someone you're attracted to, sleep with them a few dates later, then be "together," until you're not. I don't want to do things that way so that's why I've instituted this period of (relative) celibacy. 

 

I really like this guy, and I think he feels the same. He is also divorced and has two children from his previous marriage. We have some lifestyle differences that at first glance seem pretty profound, and I spent much of the last month thinking there was no way that we could move toward a serious relationship--but the things we have in common and the things we like about each other's personalities are pretty profound also, and so it makes me not sure. I don't know. I think we'd be up against some serious challenges but I also think that we are building a solid foundation of friendship--we just really like each other and can talk and hang out for hours and not get bored. He challenges my perspective and thinking in ways that no man I've been with has, and is also kind and funny and seems pretty committed to his faith/spirituality, which I like because I know that he feels accountable to a power greater than himself. He is an American Muslim convert (fairly devout in terms of basic obligatory practice and personal belief but not strict, obviously, or else he wouldn't even be dating like this) (whose parents are from Iran) and I am not religious but loosely practice a very pagan/earth-based spirituality, although I have had some interest in Sufism/Islam over the years and have studied it a bit. My family background is Catholic/evangelical Pennsylvania Dutch. We haven't found anything major that we disagree on, within our respective faiths, surprisingly enough, and he hasn't seemed at all interested in trying to change my leanings in another direction. He speaks Farsi, I speak Spanish. We both love farming/plants/sustainable living pursuits. We both love being parents. He's a pot smoker but does it legally with a medical card, which at first I felt judgmental about but when you take the criminal potential out of it, it just doesn't bother me that much.  

 

So, obviously, there are some big differences. And the safe part of me, the very rational, unromantic part of me (which may well be healthier) says "This is not realistic, there are too many major differences." But then I think about Core Values, which I think are really important for building a relationship on and coming back to in times of disagreement, and those are all basically the same. So that makes me think I should stick it out, since we just really LIKE each other's company and are SUPER attracted to each other. I have seen many things that are potential challenges, but nothing I'd consider a deal breaker, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being stupid, but mostly I feel really good about it.

 

I do wonder, though, why I am so attracted to people with such different backgrounds. Novelty, perhaps? My ex husband is Mexican (met him and got engaged in Mexico while studying there), Catholic, also very different cultures. Only our core values were also not lined up, which is I think why our marriage ultimately failed.

post #15 of 72
You date casually by NOT getting obsessed, NOT staying up all hours chatting, NOT letting it get in the way of your life, NOT spending every spare minute with someone.

Chica, it seems to me that your posts are showing that you are ignoring the obvious warning signs of developing an unhealthy attachment. You should back off, like you said before. Do your date nights with yourself. Stop talking to him whenever you can. Tell him you need to slow down and DO it. I should have done that myself a few years ago and I am still (7 months after the relationship ended) in a state of getting over the damage that came after I ignored all those warning signs and endured the emotional chaos that came from it.

I hope this guy is great for you and that you have tons of potential for a wonderful future. If so, slowing down and taking stock and being in a healthy and rational state of mind will only help the relationship in the long run.
post #16 of 72

Thanks all for your niceness...but I really dont see myself as "desireable". I am overweight, short, have really bad acne (it has gotten worse the older I get...isnt it supposed to be the other way around), and three kids at home (who are my world and more important to me than anyone, but some ppl would see them as "baggage"), plus no one to watch them for me to go out...:/....how do you all make the time to even get out to go on a date? Who watches the kids? Do you recommend on-line dating? That would be my only real way of meeting someone...but then I'd never have a chance to go on a date anyways. Blah.

post #17 of 72

animegeekmom-hug2.gif I'm sorry you feel that way right now; hang in there! It will get better...It sounds like you need some self care, but i know its hard. I have three kids too. Right now their dad is here to help but he is moving away and i'm very apprehensive about becoming overwhelmed and having no time for myself.

 

I have time now because my kids go to their dads on sunday through tuesday morning, and i have a friend who helps. They are both moving away at the end of this month, and then I will rely on my sister and maybe my neice sometimes. Are your kids young? Mine are a little older so when I leave them with someone they are usually fine with it. It was more difficult when they were younger and i didn't really feel the effort to go out was worth the trouble, but now that they are a little older its easier. Online dating is interesting...and a good choice for single parents I think. You can put what you are looking for right out there and get to know each other online a bit before meeting.

 

chicaalegre-i wonder about people dating casually and slowly too, you are not the only one. It seems to me that most people get together so fast. It seems to work for alot of people, which I find interesting...I would like to try slow and steady for a change:-) It sounds like you're setting boundaries, and are taking it slow. Did you write about going on a date with this guy in last months thread? I seem to remember reading about this...

 

 

post #18 of 72

Mimim--thank you for your honest response. I think you're right, in some ways I have been ignoring signs that I should slow things down. The obsessive thinking is really bothering me and I am not getting things done as efficiently as I might have, before, because I'm making plans and staying up super late and have been super tired as a result. I go regularly to Alanon, which helps with obsessive thinking and the other codependent personality traits I struggle with, but I should probably call my sponsor. I have been avoiding it because I know she'd tell me the same thing... 

 

I read this book awhile ago, called Facing Love Addiction, and it comes to mind now. Early romance feels like getting high to me, and I notice a "withdrawal," too. Yikes!

 

I have been making some progress, though. Last night I got off work at 11pm, and Bond (who is on a pretty different schedule and so usually is up well past 2am) asked if I wanted to stop by--of course my initial feeling was YES! But I felt so tired and I had to work early this morning, and so I said no. I went home and went to bed. It was the right thing to do, although I had a very real internal conflict over it. I really wanted to go, but I kept reminding myself that I have sacrificed self-care and self-awareness in favor of doing whatever Mr. X Y or Z wants, for maybe my whole life of interacting with men in a romantic way. THIS man, in particular, has shown me respect in a way few men have, and I want to keep that the default in our dynamic. When I demonstrate a lack of self-respect, a willingness to put my own well-being on the back burner, I set myself up for meeting men who will ask me to do this for them. So I am imposing a curfew on nights when I have to work in the morning. And a personal date night where I spend time BY MYSELF. 

 

animegeekmom--I hear you on not feeling desirable and also on the logistical difficulties of dating as a 24/7 single mama. I'm grateful that my kids stay with their dad 2 nights a week, and that I have a housemate (another single mama) who helps when I need it. That is something I would recommend, if the right person comes along--house-sharing with another single mother has been a HUGE help to me, financially, emotionally, etc. and I know she feels that way too. We are like platonic wives. It's great. I wouldn't be surprised if there is some kind of single moms network of folks looking to house-share...

What you say also sounds like now might be a good opportunity to take a look at what you like/don't like, and to focus on self care so that you can start to feel a little better about yourself. You mentioned a few physical insecurities but they all sound like things that can be improved--maybe start an exercise routine (can easily be done at home with no equipment, like yoga, or with just some free weights and an aerobic video). As for acne as an adult, I always wonder if that is caused by diet/nutrition or hormonal imbalance (also influenced by diet) and it might be worth checking with a health professional about. 

Anyway, you're right, it's hard to meet people when you are tired and busy and have no babysitter. But it won't be like that forever. You have already sought out support here which is awesome! Hang in there. 

post #19 of 72
New here! Separated for almost three months now and accidentally ended up getting involved with someone last month (a man I had known casually for months while I was with STBX and had a little crush on, and called him to hang out once I was single). It moved WAY too fast, and got WAY too complicated WAY too quickly. We both realized we were getting to a place that neither of us intended to be this early in the game, so we decided to back off for a bit. We still hang out on occasion and are trying to be more casual about things, but I'm finding it very difficult to move backwards and I'm not sure how long that's going to work. I really don't feel ready to jump back into dating yet so I plan to take some time to get reacquainted with myself before I try again. It's all a learning experience.

Chica, your comparing that early infatuation stage to getting high is so right on! I kept using the word intoxicating. Especially the first one like it was for me, when just the novelty of a man being kind to me was something I hadn't experienced in many years. Wow. The emotional highs and lows were draining but boy was it fun! Good for you for setting up some boundaries and holding to them. In my experience, it will make you all the more desirable to Bond.

Minim, you are exactly right. I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say! It takes a lot of focus and determination to not get caught up in the whirlwind of early romance, especially when that new man is meeting needs that you haven't had fulfilled in a long time. But thank you for the reminder, because it's important to go in with a level head. I hope I'm able to do that next time around.
post #20 of 72

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Edited by ZoeyZoo - 9/8/11 at 1:08pm
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