September Dating Thread - Let's all FALL for the right kind of men who are actually good for us! - Page 2

[Shanny2032]

If someone could tell me this is "normal" I would really appreciate it!

As mentioned in my earlier post, I am a SMBC to Kate who will be 3 on 12/1.  For almost 3 years it has just been us.  I honestly assumed I'd date again in 10+ years.  Enter Adam, the x who looked me up on FB about a month a go as he is going through a divorce.  I am trying to find a happy medium that works for all of us as far as getting a sitter for Kate so we can have grown up time, having him come over after she is in bed for more of the same, and spending time with all of us together.  Had I not known him for over 10 years I would never have introduced Kate to him this soon.  But I trust him and know he has good intentions.  Anyway, I am struggling with 2 things that never really occured to me (mostly because none of this occured to me since I hadn't contemplated dating this century!).  1 is that I am feeling a little torn when we are all together, can't please all the people all the time kind of thing.  I can't put my finger on it or even peg a specific moment that made me feel this way but I am assuming this is pretty typical feeling in this situation?  I don't think it is anything that either of them is doing specifically that has brought about this feeling.  The 2nd issue I find a little more disturbing and is the one I really hope people can tell me they have gone through too. After the initial sweetness of seeing them together I have to say that this past weekend I didn't really enjoy many moments of us all being together.  I actually thought "I want one of them to go away".  There were moments I wished it was her and moments I wished it was him.  When Adam and I dated years ago I had all of his attention.  And he was very attentive.  We are both very affectionate people and very touchy feely with eachother (except in the presence of my 2 year old of course!).  For almost 3 years I have been Kate's world and now when he is around she could care less if I exist.  SHE is now all touchy feely with him - loves to hold his hand, sit in his lap etc.  Like I said at first the sweetness of it all just blew me away...then this weekend I realize I am jealous of their instant bond!

I knew I'd be torn when I do things like go out with him this weekend while she stays at home with a sitter.  I am looking forward to it for he and I and hope she is having a particularly good night to ease my guilt over leaving her.  That type of inner conflict I expected and knew I would have to work through.  Jealous of my 2 year old?  Hmmm, didn't see that coming!  Anyone?

[Mom31]

Zoezoo- You should be able to state that you do not like those comments and they should stop.

[Mom31]

Shanny - I have rekindled a romance to and it was a disaster- tho he never met my kids.  Does this man have children of his own?

Even if you have known him for ten years you have not been in a relationship with him for ten years. This is probably an indication that you are all together too soon. That you need time for your relationship to mature before you jump into "family time"

You could really be concerned your dd is getting attatched to a man you do not have a serious commitment from?

Just ideas.

[chicaalegre]

Shanny, one month in seems like really soon to be encouraging a relationship between this man and your daughter--maybe your discomfort is an indication that you and he have rushed things a little? 

If the relationship is sustainable there is no harm (and potentially lots of benefit) in waiting and being conservative about introducing kids to new potential partners. 

I dated someone for 4-5 months and he knew my kids from before, since we have been friends for 10 years. We didn't hang out that much with my kids around, but we did enough so that I saw my kids start to be physically affectionate and playful with him, and I noticed my daughter paying attention to whether or not he was paying attention to her...all of which made me incredibly uncomfortable. People would mistake him for my kids' dad and it would make me BRISTLE. This showed me that I really wasn't serious enough with him to want them to form an attachment to him. We aren't dating anymore (totally amicably), and I hope that he remains a good friend and a positive man in my kids' lives, but I wish I had waited longer to involve them. It occurred to me that I could potentially date several people before finding someone I want to build a partnership with, I could even date people seriously--but that I want to keep the people in my kids' lives as consistent as possible. That makes me want to wait several months before introducing a partner. Obviously, your situation may be different and what works for your family might be different, but I wouldn't ignore your discomfort. 

[ZoeyZoo]

Shanny - I have a 3 yo and I have only introduced him to one guy but I kept him as a friend, we have no affection in front of dd, and I also have many other male and female friends around. I am honestly a bit torn about this issue. I feel like I need to know the guy and dd would get along and that the guy has seem some parenting reality and can handle this. For this reason I feel an introduction should be somewhat early before I form too much of an attachment. The other hand is that I don't want dd to form any attachment to anyone until I have reached a certain level in the relationship and have a better understanding of what type of guy he is.

A single mom friend of mine told me she felt the magic number was 15 dates and I'm starting to agree with her. This wasn't necessarily a lot of family time because I do believe that attachment to you needs to happen as much as possible outside of your time with your children but I do feel like that is a good enough time for an introduction and something light like running into him at a park or lunch.

There are three yellow flags in your posts that caught my eye. First is that you didn't like time together. This could just be because you're used to it just the two of you or it could be something inside you telling you something isn't right. The second one is that he is going through a divorce. Make sure he is done with his healing and is in a healthy place before even attempting to get involved with him. Third is that you already dated. My questions are why didn't it work last time and what has changed in the meantime.

[hazeldust]

I'm curious...anyone here have fun dating or are we, as single mothers excluded from that?

[Mom31]

I am fun dating now but hopefully finding someone soon... maybe mondays date ;)

[hazeldust]

That's funny Emilie2, Sunday is my date night with myself or some lucky guy and mondays with my ladies...Only for the next few weeks though. Then my ex is leaving and it'll be a whole new ballgame and a lot trickier, i suppose, to date at all...

[*MamaJen*]

I'm here. The Incredibly Nice Guy continues to be incredibly nice. We'll be celebrating our year anniversary next month, hard to believe. :) He's coming home with me and DS for thansgiving, which I'm looking forward to.

DS is really getting attached to him. He's only seen his dad twice in the last 6 weeks, and he's been reaching out to my BF more and more for attention. He's also asked a couple of time if my boyfriend was part of his family. I don't want to promise DS something that doesn't happen, so I've been telling him that my boyfried is a "family friend" and sometimes he feels like family. Honestly, I'm looking forward to the day when he is our family.

[crazyms]

chica - I call that 'yo-yoing'. I do it too and it's awful. It really is like a high of sorts. When I really like a guy and connect well with them I get all wrapped up in it. It's exhilarating and fun when I'm talking to them or seeing them but then when I don't or can't it like I crash. I hate all those ups and downs. I really have no advice on how to stop it. I try to just stay on schedule with my life and let that keep me busy and keep them as a second thing. It helps but I still struggle with it sometimes.

Shanny - I think that may be because you're so use to being alone with your child to an extent but I agree with everyone that it may be too soon. Only you know if its okay to let him be involved yet or to what extent though. Everyone's situation is different but I haven't let anyone I've been involved with around my kids. I think its because I knew deep down that it wouldn't work. I haven't been comfortable enough yet to cross that line with anyone though so I have no real advice.

Well there's not much new over here. I've been seeing one guy and so far it's going well but I don't know where it's going yet. I'm glad it's going slowly but I feel like I don't know where I stand with him or what we're doing and that is stressing me out a bit. I actually use to talk to him before (as a very casual thing) and then we started seeing each other after my separation initially two years ago. When we started talking then I thought it was still going to be the casual set up we had had before and it was for a while before he started making comments about why we hadn't been together and maybe should try it and asking me to go away with him to meet some of his family and stuff. I freaked out like I usually do and ran. I was just scared and I walked. I didn't feel ready to get that involved and was seeing him because I thought he was my safe zone. I could date him and it wouldn't go there. I had never really thought of him that way either so it threw me off and I just bolted. Well fast forward to now... I ran into him again the other week and he instantly said he wanted to talk/see me again and I of course agreed. I felt though like he'd already shifted gears on me from casual to a potential relationship and I needed to be okay with that before I saw him at all again. I've decided over the time I've been away from him though that taking it from casual to actually dating him might be great and he really might be good for me so I was okay with that. Now nothing has been said and I don't know if he's still leaning that direction or not. I'm confused. I enjoy the casual thing we have and need that for now but I feel like I'm lost as to whether it's suppose to be going anywhere or not. Idk I'm just taking it slow for now but it definitely put a new spin on things for me.

[Moochie Mamma]

I am having fun dating but I'm currently in a world of weird!!  I've been hanging out with text-guy for the past couple weeks.  Totally casual, no commitment, no obligations which is fine with me since I realize there's never going to be anything "real" with him.  We both know this and are just having fun for now.  The guy with dreads (guy#2) is out of the picture for reals.  Apparently I am only good enough to hook up with at a couple parties but not to be his fb friend or pay attention to me otherwise.  No big loss there. 

I've been texting with the guy I was seeing earlier this summer who I had a real connection with but who got scared and ended it and started sleeping with someone else.  Ran into him last night at a restaurant (he was there with a bunch of friends having beers at the bar).  He ended up joining me and the kids at my table and omg the chemistry was just as big as before.  I know he felt it too, he walked us out to my car and gave me a huge hug.  He's been sending me flirty texts and we're going to see each other Wed (he's going to do some work on my house).  I know I need to proceed with caution and stick with my earlier statement to him that I won't sleep with him if we are not together in a relationship.  I'm hoping he's finally pulled his head out of his *** and realized what a fool he is for passing up on being with me lol!

[Mom31]

My guy that I went on a date with called tonight but I feel weird about the conversation. I asked him his plans for the weekend but he said he was busy ... I feel like maybe I said something wrong. I am terrible at the begining of dating... and I usually do not go for such great guys as he appears to be. he only talked for a few and said he just called to say hi and cut it off... kind of worried.but maybe he is just not a phone person and we covered the whats new with you blah blah.  oh I hate the nervousness of this process.

[worthy]

I think this is actually a real high that you get from hormones.  I have been on this kind of rollercoaster for...well, a few months...  I have to resist the urge to send him e-mails and messages.  I'm trying very very hard to keep my intensity from splurping on him.  I don't want to mess this up; he's a good guy and we are not yet at the point where we are even talking anything more than friendship, but the chemistry is there and it feels so dang good to be given a little positive attention, I just want to keep nudging him to see if I can get more and more.  LOL.  It has helped me to try to turn myself off like a switch when I know I'm not going to be in contact with him for awhile.  Also to confine all the splurping to my journal.

I didn't scroll back to the OP but I could relate so much to your comment.

Here's to high highs and only moderate lows.
 

Originally Posted by crazyms 

chica - I call that 'yo-yoing'. I do it too and it's awful. It really is like a high of sorts. When I really like a guy and connect well with them I get all wrapped up in it. It's exhilarating and fun when I'm talking to them or seeing them but then when I don't or can't it like I crash. I hate all those ups and downs. I really have no advice on how to stop it. I try to just stay on schedule with my life and let that keep me busy and keep them as a second thing. It helps but I still struggle with it sometimes.

[Murph12334]

My relationship with the boyfriend is going wonderful!  We are almost at the one year mark.  We have taken it slow due to the kids.  However, now they know he is mommy's boyfriend and they love him.  Currently though he broke his leg.  He's not allowed to drive for another 3 or so weeks, not allowed to do his stocking job.  So anytime we want to see eachother it's up tp me to go to his place or go pick him up.  We've been through so many hurdles over the past year this one isn't phasing us much.

[Mom31]

Ugh. I wish the man I went with on a date last monday and I were actually in a relationship. IT's raining here and xh took the kids for the night and I would so love to call him and see if he wanted to watch a movie... its perfect cuddling weather. lol

Maybe someday soon I will be in a relationship. I hate it when xh throw s it on me at last min he is taking kids cause I would like to use that time to make dates lol.

[Mom31]

well i just checked the mans profile that i went on a date with and he was on the web site today. yuck. ouch. wah. I just don't think i am up for another let down. I don't really like dating and I feel like maybe I was jumping the gun thinking we were a good match.

[mimim]

Emilie, I wouldn't get in the habit of watching dating site activity if I were you. Based on my experience, I've found that really doesn't mean much. For example, I've abandoned the site for days or weeks after a date, when I was only bored with it, not really into him. And I stayed on playing around for months without interacting with anyone, just reading profiles and playing games and stuff, when I was absolutely besotted with the guy that I was dating who I met on there. In retrospect, that was a bad thing to do, since he was watching and it caused him distress, but at the time I didn't really consider that he might be tracking my activity and taking it as an indication of my interest in him or other men.

Plus, it's stalkerish.

[Mom31]

:)  well he just text me so it must be ok.  good advice.

[worthy]

I'm right there with you.  I have had a heroic and very long day, and I would like to curl up with a nice phone call from someone who cares and says soothing things.  Or a take-me-out-and-distract-me kind of date.  Maybe someday.
 

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

Ugh. I wish the man I went with on a date last monday and I were actually in a relationship. IT's raining here and xh took the kids for the night and I would so love to call him and see if he wanted to watch a movie... its perfect cuddling weather. lol

[Hollycrand]

Hello everyone,

I floated on and off this thread a couple of years ago, but haven't been on in a while.  Perhaps I might be more active in the future...long story involving unemployed boyfriend who is really trying to de-connect with the world right now.  I also have made a couple of mistakes, said a thing or two that I didn't mean but which hurt him.

This past weekend I did a special Transformation seminar, and while it didn't make all of my problems disappear, I am a lot more at peace with my past, etc.

What I would like to do in this forum (and I will do so privately in a private email to her) is publicly say that I totally hurt Butterflymom with some very mean words a few months ago.  I can't even imagine how much those words must have hurt, and how much pain I must have inflicted upon you and your life.

I can't change the past, but I would like to say "I'm sorry' and ask for forgiveness, even though I don't expect anything.

Butterflymom, a private email is coming soon.