I too am an adult adoptee and mother

[Mom31]

Thank you for your thoughtful post in response to moonbeam.  Where can we get your book?  I too struggle with intimacy with my children and just playing with them or being close to them. Sometimes I feel like what they need I don't have to give.... giving from an empty well was a great way to describe it.

I want to overcome this. I hate that my adoption is affecting my children and another generation... They are 5 and 8. It was not until I was 26 - 5 years ago that I would even identify my adoption as a source of my pain, depression, issues... and the source it is.

I am in therapy and doing DBT to lessen my symptoms and increase my coping skills.  I am interested in sharing information with my therapist tho she is not well versed in adoptee issues but does believe me that it could cause pain and issues.

Thank you for being on this forum.

[Marcy Axness]

Hi, Emilie... PLEASE forgive me the long delay in responding--I didn't realize I wasn't subscribed to my own forum, so a) didn't know I had new posts waiting and b) once I found them a few days ago, it became clear that there was a problem with my forum--no "Reply" button! But whew, that's all fixed, and here I am. First of all, thank you for sharing your own experience. Discovering that adoption was/is a key issue at age 26 isn't so late, about the same as me.  I had a spontaneous prenatal regression the day before I gave birth to our second child (my only daughter... which I believe brought up my own "daughter" issues), and found myself sobbing in bed suddenly uttering the words "Mommy doesn't want me... Mommy doesn't want me." It was only after that that I began to get it: oh, this began BEFORE my... um... less than stable experience in my adoptive family!! Not long after that I discovered Nancy Verrier and discovered the treasures of prenatal psychology.

If it offers you hope, it is not our perfection that teaches and nourishes our children, it is our STRIVING. I make this very clear in the book (which is out in Jan, btw--but you can pre-order now on Amazon if you like). If it were any other way, we'd be DOOMED in our hopes for evolving upward! So know that just in your earnest efforts toward healing, you are doing so well by your children.

It must be difficult working with a therapist who doesn't acknowledge primal imprints/trauma. Not only because then she obviously can't work with it, but even just at the level of your relationship of unconditional trusting with her. Tough one. I used to do professional in-service training for therapists out in my area, around adoption issues. I like to think that at least a few of their future patients/clients benefited from that, not having to deal with their lack of understanding or sensitivity to just how early we begin learning... and getting hurt and defending.

Becoming more and more fluent and friendly with your own early history is one of the BEST things you can do for the wellbeing of your children, so brava to you.

Best,

Marcy