Transition to own room(s).

[K1329]

Hi Jessica,

I find your responses in this section to be amazingly on target & helpful, & hope you can advise me on how to smoothly transition my children from our bed to their own rooms.
We recently redid our children's rooms - they were a big part of the process, helping choose colors, decorations, etc. They love their new rooms. I was hopeful that this would encourage a desire to sleep in them, but, no such luck.
Dh & I really want & need our bed back. Right now, dh sleeps on the sofa, and me & the 2 kids sleep in my bed. The kids seem to need an adult to lay with them, if they wake up to no parent in the bed, they get up to find us - no matter the time of night.
A little backstory... dd is 8. She slept in her room until 3, and, moved in our room when her little brother was born. She moved back in her room at 5, and, at 7, has moved back to sleeping with us every night.
Ds has been in our bed since birth. He's 4, almost 5.
I've been dealing with a chronic illness, which makes all aspects of parenting more challenging, but, I feel like I've really dropped the ball with sleeping... it's just been "easier" to have them in our bed. But, now they're getting older, dh & I want to reconnect, and, we want them to move to their own, currently empty, beds! We haven't started the transition yet, and, hope to have a plan in place before we start. I feel the kids are old enough to maybe include in the process. How can we do this smoothly? Or, can we?

Thanks,
Kay

[JessicaWilliams]

Dear Kay,

Thank you so much for your appreciation, it means a lot to me.

You have my love and compassion dealing with a chronic illness while lovingly parenting your young children.

I have a plan for you and will post within a few days. Sit tight till then!

Love, Jessica

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[JessicaWilliams]

Dear Kay,

Thank you so much for your appreciation, it really means a lot to me. I am really excited about the Home Study Course I am putting together and I highly recommend everyone checking it out; email me, [e-mail] and I will let you know when it's available; it has many of my techniques and contributions from my esteemed colleagues in the field.

Here is a six-step plan for you to change your sleeping arrangement (and applicable for other big changes.)

A hard part of parenting can be an honest assessment of your needs as a parent and what changes you may need to make in your family system to maintain your health, be it mental, emotional, physical or spiritual.

Most co-sleeping kids do not want to go back to their room. That said, your children are capable of getting to the other side of disappointment even when the change occurring is not their first choice, as long as you facilitate the process with consciousness, compassion and clarity.

Here is my 6-step plan for implementing a new sleeping paradigm in your household: (sorry numbers aren't coming out right:-)

1. Make space for your feelings of grief, guilt and sadness at this change. Most attachment parents are so attuned with their children’s desires that the parents struggle with saying no, letting their children down and “causing” any pain, disappointment, sadness or discomfort. Write a letter to close this chapter in your sleeping. Outline what you have loved in co-sleeping, all the good memories, why it has worked for you thus far and what you will miss about it.

1. Identify your true needs. Do you want to greet your bed at the end of the day and have it be empty and ready for you and your husband’s energy? Do you want to have your bed to yourselves all night? Do you want to have your whole room to yourselves all night? If there is any wiggle room, there may be a compromise that might serve as a solution that is more of a transition to eventually having the children in their own beds, in another room, all night. You may be needing this “eventual” now, but if not, here are ideas of transitional sleeping arrangements that may satisfy some of the comforts your life of co-sleeping has provided:
   1. A futon on your floor where the children sleep all night (leaving your bed clear and open for you and your husband.)
   2. A futon on your floor where you transfer your sleeping children to after they fall asleep in your bed (letting your children fall asleep in your bed, but then after you transfer them, your bed is clear and empty when you and your husband retire for bed.)
   3. A double bed in the children’s room where they co-sleep all night. (You can lay with them to sleep as you may have done in your bed so they receive that comfort, they are still co-sleeping with someone, and you have your room and bed to yourself with your husband. Read here for L.O.V.E. Parenting’s Sibling Bed.) 
   4. A double bed in the children’s room that you can transfer them to after they fall asleep in your bed. (They get the comfort of falling asleep in your bed, but you transfer them to a bed in their room once they are asleep so that you get your bed and room to yourself when you and your husband are ready for bed.)

1. Create a vision for your new plan. An opportunity for the connection to occur that used to happen in your former co-sleeping arrangement. You are all used to having built in intimacy and connection by sharing the family bed; how can you maintain that closeness in new ways?
   1. A new nighttime ritual that precedes bedtime: family walk, family sing, family cuddle, or family story time.
   2. A new daytime ritual: an intentional, special something that you do everyday that makes you feel connected and present with each other.

1. Tell your children that there is going to be a change and make space for their feelings. First, “there is going to be a change.” Next, allow space for all the children’s feelings with love, compassion and empathy. Make space for sadness, anger, resentment and your children feeling powerless over the decision. You can do this in a thoughtful and intentional way by offering a journaling session, writing a song about it, writing a book about your co-sleeping life, and/or writing a poem/ode to your eight years of family bed that you can print and frame.

1. Present the new plan. Once you have grieved the old chapter and created your new plan, it is time to present the new paradigm. Now that your children feel very heard in their feelings that this chapter has come to a close, and you have memorialized it so they can locate a tangible place to hold their feelings, you are ready to present the change in plan. Lay out your expectations of the new plan. You have a much better chance of successful follow through because you have created a deliberate place to feel all the feelings, you have memorialized the old way and you are walking into your future with full faith and love.

1. Trouble-shooting: If your children resist the new sleeping arrangement, address what is happening in the middle of the night, during the day, away from the place of contention. Create more space for their feelings and reiterate that a change is necessary to maintain your health. Tell them that you have all the love and compassion in the world for them and you want the intimacy and connection that they are craving as well, and together you are going to find new ways to satisfy that need, while still honoring the new sleeping arrangement.

Love,
Jessica

www.LoveParentingLA.com

• Birthing A New Mother home study program NOW AVAILABLE for pre-conception, pregnancy & the first year of motherhood. I am a featured contributor in this course brought to you by Conscious Motherhood.

  The Ultimate Parenting Course will be available November 15, 2011. A cadre of the best of today’s progressive parenting experts come together in this transformational 8-week home study course for parents of children birth to 7 years. Email me at [e-mail] for pre-order.

  The L.O.V.E. Parenting Birthkit has helped women have a transformational and empowering birth. Written exercises, audio & private coaching. Amazing for first or second pregnancy.

  Sign Up for my E-Zine! Email: [e-mail]

  Like me on Facebook L.O.V.E. Parenting and Follow on Twitter @LoveParenting

  Private Coaching Session! Phone or Los Angeles office. www.LoveParentingLA.com

  “Truly amazing woman. I love her advice.”—Carrie-Anne Moss.
• “All you have shared has helped tremendously.”—Lisa Bonet.
• “I am experiencing nothing short of a miracle thanks to your laser beam approach.” –Andrea Bendewald.