Which is more traumatic for a four year old
My STBX and I are “negotiating” how we are going to split. I asked for the divorce because I do not feel connected on any level, as a parent he was not as involved as I would have liked to see, he didn’t share my parenting ideas and he was still smoking pot. I really wanted this divorce to be amicable for the sake of my DD, and was hoping she could still have a good relationship with her father (regardless of my disagreements with him) and that we could still be a family and have family time together, maybe spend holiday or other important days together. He suggested a default marriage with 50/50 custody on paper but agreed that she wasn’t ready for that. He also at that point agreed to spousal support of 1.5 years (we have been married 6 years). He said he wanted to have a 50/50 custody split on paper, but he agreed to let me have her more time depending on how ready she felt. However, he had a fit one night over some small thing and after DD and I went to sleep smashed my Mac, deleted all my contacts from my cell phone, and deleted all my pictures (most of DD) from my cam. He doesn’t know I know because he hid the mac in his car . I know he is very upset about the divorce and I want to give him a chance for a “temper tantrum”, but I was uncomfortable with how angry he got. I also remember a conversation we had before I told him I wanted out, which involved a friend of mine who is going through a divorce and the father insists on having child on his day even though the child is crying and in considerable distress at pick-ups. I felt the dad was wrong but he told me he felt that the child just needs to get used to it. All of this prompted me to ask him to put what we verbally agreed on paper and instead of going for a default divorce I filed a response and told him I will want the agreement to say I will have her most of the time. Now he is upset I filed a response because it is a bit more expensive and he does not want to pay me any spousal support (I have been a SAHM). The house is currently “upside down” and the mortgage is under his name and I had signed off my rights to the house at the time of purchase. At this point he is trying to refinance but is also working on a short sale. My question is which of these should I do/which do you think is least traumatic for DD who is 4 ?
- Work full time and place DD in preschool (Montessori that she had visited before, but I had pulled her out because I felt she wasn’t ready, although she was improving a bit by the time I had cancelled enrollment end of January 2011 ), and try to get STBX to refinance and then rent the house from him (I figured at least she can live in the house she is used to).
- Insist on spousal support and only work part time, I would have to move, not sure where I would end up (I want it to be safe area), might be an apartment (she spends a big part of the day playing in the mud in the backyard though.
- Move overseas, eventually work part time, be able to live in a safe environment, have family support and ability make my own decisions. (He had suggested in the beginning for me to move back to Europe with her, he would basically give me enough money to get there but financial support after that would probably dwindle down.
I guess I’m mostly wondering if it is justified for me to take her overseas. He likes to take her places and play for a little bit when he is home, but I think he just get’s tired of her and I don’t think he would be willing or happy to care for her on a daily basis. She does want his attention but is definitely more comfortable with me. I would like for her to be able to have a good relationship with him but I don’t know if it is worth it for her to have to be in school full time because of it, if I could have greater financial freedom(=more time with her) in Switzerland.