vent - 12 yr old is driving me insane.

[purslaine]

ugh, Ugh, UGH!!!

This is a vent.  Even if you think I am doing something wrong (and I know I am ) I do not want to hear it at this point.  Really.   I just want a virtual hug or for others to let me know that I am not alone in dealing with a difficult teen.

Last night we had our second fight this week over a computer.

Here is last nights fight:

I was on the computer around 7:00 for maybe 1/2 an hour.

I watched a movie from 8:30-10:00 - I came online to check something once during the movie for about 5 minutes.

DD went upstairs while I was on the computer for 5 minutes.

At 10:00 o'clock I got on the computer.  At 10:05 DD asks how long I am going to be on the computer - I told her 20 minutes.  She said "no - you were on earlier".  I denied being on - and she said I was on the computer while she was upstairs from 9:00-10:00.  Uh - no...I was on for 5 minutes.  There are friggin witnesses.  She essentially called me a liar.  

It was 10 o'clock at night and I was tired (we argue all the time, and she also argues all the time with her sister, and I have little patience for it).  I told her to go to bed.  She ignored me and I am not physically carrying a 12 year old to her room, so I told her no computer for today.

She is still mad at me today, so I initiated a conversation, and she blew up.  She told me she did not want to hear my side and ran off to her room.  She is there now.  

On a practical note, I have made a computer scheduel.  It seems mildly unfair to DS, DH and other DD who are perfectly capable of taking turns and talking to each other nicely - but I do not know what else to do.

K.

[whatsnextmom]

Certainly big hugs. We went through that last year though she was an older 13. DD was constantly picking little, pointless fights about stuff she really didn't care about. She just wanted to be mad at me and sadly, that's pretty normal for girls around this age. I just tried to remain calm but it's really hard to see that fury and loathing in your baby. I handed a lot of the "bad guy" work off to DH who was still DD's idol. I re-evaluated rules that she might be outgrowing but stood firm on rules that were still relevant and important. When she got to the point of flat out nastiness and lying, we came down hard on her (like removed the door from her room hard on her lol.) The good news is though, for us it did pass after about a 10 months or so. This past summer has been really outstanding and I feel like I've got my girl back... she's changed, our relationship has grown-up but we have some fun and trust again.

Hang in there. It totally sucks. It totally hurts but it does pass!

[onlyzombiecat]

I think my 11 year old is in this phase too.

(((((hugs)))))

[Shantimama]

This age is just plain hard with most girls. I just keep looking at their baby and little girl pictures to remind me that there has been far more to parenting than these issues!

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by Shantimama 

This age is just plain hard with most girls. I just keep looking at their baby and little girl pictures to remind me that there has been far more to parenting than these issues!

I actually looked it up after venting and it seems mom/teen girl arguing duos are the most common arguing duos of parenthood.

We had good, although emotionally charged discussion after the fight so there is that.  I do not have much hope it will prevent future arguments, though.  

I have also decided I am going to avoid certain situations that seem to be triggers for her for a month or so just to give us both a rest.

Edited by purslaine - 9/6/11 at 6:18am

[karne]

12 isn't easy.

I read, or heard, something in passing this weekend that moms and daughters often have different views on their arguments.  Moms felt the tension, primarily, and kids often felt that it was a vehicle to getting their views across.  I think this was the idea, anyway.  Interesting.

[Linda on the move]

I really like this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535

It says that kids go through a stage where they subtext to pretty much every they say is "Will you argue with me?"

And they interpret pretty much any thing we say as "yes, I will argue with you."

I don't think the book actually helped me at all, but it did make me feel better. Both my DD's started exiting this stage around 13 1/2. My nearly 15 year old is down right pleasant to spend time with, and my recently turned 13 year old is a heck of a lot better than she was this time last year.

It gets better. In the meantime, I think the only chance for inner peace to find your own center and not let your DD knock you from it.

[ollyoxenfree]

  Hugs. 

Don't lose sight of all the ways you are a good mom and the things that you are doing right, even as you try to work out any missteps. From reading your pp, I think you are a mindful, caring parent. I've been impressed at how you try to work through issues with your family. Sometimes, kids are tough. I'm sorry that this is one of those moments for you. I hope better moments arrive soon.

Just wondering - is she getting anxious about the start of a new school year (or anything else)? Fear often fuels anger. 

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

Just wondering - is she getting anxious about the start of a new school year (or anything else)? Fear often fuels anger. 

I think so.

My patience is thin, however.

I am glad she is back at school (today!)  though. I feel a little guilty admitting that.  School did not remove any issues last year (indeed, I think she was worse during the school year) but I need a break so I can deal with her with more patience.

It is her second year at school and we feel a bit more settled so we will see what the new year brings. 

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I don't think the book actually helped me at all, but it did make me feel better. Both my DD's started exiting this stage around 13 1/2. My nearly 15 year old is down right pleasant to spend time with, and my recently turned 13 year old is a heck of a lot better than she was this time last year.

It gets better. In the meantime, I think the only chance for inner peace to find your own center and not let your DD knock you from it.

My 15 year old is downright pleasant, too.  My daughter turns 13 in December, so I will be counting down the days, lol  (just joking - I know there is not a magic bullet when they turned 13...I wish).

I hear you on the peaceful inner center.  I know that is what I need to do.  

[FarmerBeth]

Big hugs!  This is so like dealing with my 11 year old son.  It's like he went from my sweet baby to a professional (and unnecessarily loud) debater overnight on his birthday.  And I think you handled it just fine.  Everyone has enough, sometimes, and kids this age should get to figure out first hand that everyone includes their parents, too.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Trust me, it's not just girls! My 12 yr. old son drives me up a wall. When we were on the beach a couple of evenings ago, I said, "It looks like the sun is going down." It was 7:30 at the time. His response, "no it's not." sigh. I can't say anything he doesn't argue with. It's so frustrating. So I'm totally with you.

[lindberg99]

My 13 yo DD is like that too. I was helping her straighten her hair the other night and DH said to her "I like your hair when it's curly." Then when it was straight, he said "It looks nice." to which she said something like "You think it looks awful, you said you only like it when it is curly and poofing out all over my head and you think it looks horrible when it is straightened." Hmm, that isn't what I heard but I'm not 13. Plus she thinks the world should revolve around her. Like we should all be quiet while she does her homework in the middle of the kitchen. And she stays there and tells everyone to be quiet even after I told her she could take the computer upstairs and work in her room. I can't even remember why she said she couldn't do that but I'm sure it was some horrible injustice that was either her dad's or my fault. 

[karne]

Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow 

Trust me, it's not just girls! My 12 yr. old son drives me up a wall. When we were on the beach a couple of evenings ago, I said, "It looks like the sun is going down." It was 7:30 at the time. His response, "no it's not." sigh. I can't say anything he doesn't argue with. It's so frustrating. So I'm totally with you.

Yes!  We frequently have "conversations" like this.  I find myself in disbelief at a certain point in the discussion that I am even HAVING a discussion about some disagreement or other, because it's essentially meaningless. I have to stop myself because I feel like my head is spinning. 

ETA: one of the funniest/hardest pieces is that I will still be in "recovery mode" from these conversations, and processing how I/we might have done thin gs differently, and dd has completely moved on, pleasant, ready for the next topic.  I know, intellectually, that this is part of adolescence, but living it is another thing altogether.

[thrrrnbush]

Thank you for starting this thread. My eleven year old daughter has got the whole family feeling like we live in that Billy Mumy episode of The Twilight Zone. Only we aren't afraid of being wished away to the cornfield; we're afraid of another meltdown, over nothing. If we want her to change into a clean shirt before we go out to dinner her life just isn't worth living anymore because everybody hates her. I'm not going to take over your venting space with my venting, but I am going to tell you how comforted I am to know that I'm not alone in this WTH phase. Again, thank you.

[raksmama]

Big Hug!

Yes age 12.....

DS(13) is wonderful but we argue all the time about video games. I would like to not have to limit it and leave it up to him I feel he would play all day if I let him.

[Linda on the move]

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but there is this GREAT scene with the mom and dad (played by Chevy Chase) singing Christmas Carols in the car while driving to get a Christmas tree. They take turns having solos on the verses of one of the songs, and when it is their DD's turn she just glares at them as if she wishes they were dead and makes no noise. The parents smile, and then join back in on the chorus as if nothing happened.

I figure the DD must be 12.

[neonalee]

Originally Posted by lindberg99 

My 13 yo DD is like that too. I was helping her straighten her hair the other night and DH said to her "I like your hair when it's curly." Then when it was straight, he said "It looks nice." to which she said something like "You think it looks awful, you said you only like it when it is curly and poofing out all over my head and you think it looks horrible when it is straightened." Hmm, that isn't what I heard but I'm not 13. Plus she thinks the world should revolve around her. Like we should all be quiet while she does her homework in the middle of the kitchen. And she stays there and tells everyone to be quiet even after I told her she could take the computer upstairs and work in her room. I can't even remember why she said she couldn't do that but I'm sure it was some horrible injustice that was either her dad's or my fault. 

OMG this is totally my dsd! I swear she makes up whole conversations! I'm emailing this thread to dp!

sent from my phone using tapatalk, please excuse typos.

[genifer]

My 13 yo DD is like that too. I was helping her straighten her hair the other night and DH said to her "I like your hair when it's curly." Then when it was straight, he said "It looks nice." to which she said something like "You think it looks awful, you said you only like it when it is curly and poofing out all over my head and you think it looks horrible when it is straightened."

That made me laugh so hard. I have TWO 12 yo dd's. One is extremely very  much like this. The other is mostly pleasant but she is some kind of mega control freak. My poor 10 yo ds loves singing. He'll be humming away a lovely tune, he does have a lovely voice (NO idea where he got that from! We're all painfully tonedeaf) and she'll bark 'JOSH!! STOP SINGING'.... and within nanoseconds she's belting one of her new favourite songs (I did mention the rest of us are tone deaf, this includes her... bless her she insists she's not. She also insists Im not which is either a lie or mega denial or she loves me too much to say otherwise, which is most likely). The other one has meltdowns several times a week and yesterday went something like this: Julie was running the bath. Sophie needed the toilet so Julie came out and in her understanding Sophie was going to take over running the bath then get into it. Sophe comes downstairs with the water still running in the bath. I say 'Oh I thought you were in the bath?' She freaks out and says  'NO!!! Why do *I* need to take a bath?!!!!!!? Julie was running it!!!'. Her face was like nothing like Id ever seen her pull. The contempt and disgust she must have been feeling was undeniable, it was one of those injustices someone mentioned that I should even suggest she get in the bath first. I tell her '  just get in the bath love' ... off she sulks. She was told she needed to wash her hair (she'd go weeks without washing it if I didnt tell her... and even if I do tell her actually), I popped my head in to give her a towel. She was depressed  and sullen and says 'I dont know why you love me'. I said 'I just do', then  I ask her if she washed her hair, to which she replied 'Yeah'.  She gets out, I go to blow dry her hair and it doesnt smell like shampoo at all! I ask 'Did you wash your hair?', her reply was 'I forgot'.

Im glad I popped into this thread actually bc I was beginning to worry about her ... well not in the sense that I thought something was wrong with her, more in the sense that I was about to do something with her that could get me into.. some kind of trouble with the authorities...

Do you guys find yourselves biting? Is there anyone who's managed to deal with it all in a way that doesnt involve your head exploding? I have that problem sometimes... Im working on it tho. lol.

Edited by genifer - 9/9/11 at 2:24am

[purslaine]

genifer - that post was funny!...Probably not to you but if gave me a giggle.

I would give myself a C on dealing with my DD in a way that my head doesn't explode.  I used to be a solid D, so C is a step up for me.  Venting here, plus time (I have learned to not engage so much as time goes on) helps.