Playing with neighbourhood kids, when to step in and when to let them sort it out?

[Boot]

We live in a complex with lots of kids. My son (4) is extremely social and loves playing with all the neighbours. The kids that he plays with regularly range from 3 to 9. He's good at sharing his toys and falling in with whatever game they want to play. The problem is, he quite frequently gets his feelings hurt. Mostly it's the girls around 6 or 7 who will exclude him. Regular kid stuff like 'you can't come into our tent, it's just for girls', or 'I'm going to let Lucy ride my bike but not you', or (my favourite) 'Emma and I want to have some alone time'. These kids normally don't have a parent out with them (understandably). I know this is a normal stage for kids to go through and I do say to DS 'It's OK, they don't have to play with you, lets go find someone else', but at the same time, they are sometimes downright mean and I feel the need to call them on it. Sometimes I'm a bit passive aggressive and when my son comes to me and says 'that wasn't very nice, was it?' I'll just agree loudly. Other times I will gently say, 'you know ds shares all his toys with you, I don't think it's very kind of you not to share with him' or whatever. I don't want to tell him it's OK for them to act that way because then he might start copying it. At the same time, I don't want to micromanage every interaction and I want my son to be able to sort of roll with the punches and move on. I'm just struggling a little with where to draw the line and wondering how others in my situation deal with this. 

[~cassie]

We have the same problem wth my 6 yr old and his "friends".  I do call them on it-mainly telling them that they all need to be nice and get along and not exclude people or they need to go home(usually they are in my yard).  If we are in a "common area" then I will just say "that wasn't very nice guys" and leave it at that while we leave.

[~cassie]

-I wanted to add--you can't really control another child's behavior.  But you CAN teach your child a good way to respond and validate his feelings that it wasn't nice and teach him ro respond for himself or to just walk away.  My 6 yr old is a follower and even when the other boys are being mean/excluding him he still just follows right along with it.

[Vancouver Mommy]

I have a similar issue with the neighbourhood kids. We have several my dd's age, but she prefers to play with the 8yo boys. They play with her most of the time, but sometimes they can be quite cruel to her. I have explained to her that although they enjoy her company sometimes, there are other times when big kids prefer to play with others their own age. But I find with my dd what goes around comes around, so to speak.

I don't know what it is about 6-7 yo's and their need to create "clubs" and other ways to exclude (based on age or gender or whatever subjective criteria they can think of). Probably some typical developmental phenomenon, and I'm sure it's something they outgrow as they learn empathy. When I notice people excluding others (regardless of whether it's my child or someone else's) I gently remind them that being excluded hurts people's feelings. Sometimes I ask the kids to remember how it feels to be the one who is left out. Other times I just smile and say "more friends, more fun". Sometimes I appeal to bigger kids sense of maturity and responsibility by asking them to help look after little ones and make them feel included.

I think there are times though when older kids legitimately want privacy to do things that little kids typically interfere with. In that case I try to help them choose kind words to explain their desire for privacy, again focusing on the feelings of the other children.

[Lisa85]

Hmmm, playing at an apartment complex makes it a bit difficult.  *In our home/yard*, we do not exclude anyone.  There is no "you have to be xx years old to play over here" or "only so and so can play with this, etc". If they want alone time, they can request that through me - at a different time.  99 times out of 100, they don't really want alone time with just 1 or 2 other friends rather than the whole gang, it's done to exclude someone.  So, they can have alone time with them, I'll let them know I'll contact their mom or dad to set up a time, but there's no need for it right.this.second, in front of everyone no less. But, if you're at an apartment complex, it's difficult because it feels like it belongs to you in some sense, like a yard would, but then it really isn't because you still have to share it.  So more like a park in that sense, but then you really don't have much of a choice to go home to YOUR own space.  You can't very well tell them to go home to their own space. At most you can try to suggest playing in an area where they're likely to not be bothered as much, but if they don't take you up on it, there isn't much to do.

I guess that's my long winded way of saying I'm not sure exactly how I would handle it.  As for sharing toys, I think when they would ask, I would say "Well, do you plan to share your toys with ds today?"  They're old enough to know that it's only fair.  If they pull a bait and switch and "change their minds" about sharing, etc then I would just say politely next time "Not today, maybe some other time."  No explanation needed, but they'll likely get the connection.

[meemee]

this is a hard place to be. i have experienced both sides of it - dd being ignored when younger and dd being 'mean' when older.

oh gosh when little kids followed her she absolutely lost it. mama why are they following me. tell them to stop. i dont want them to follow me around.

why?

because she had to change her play. she had to play safer so the little child did not get hurt. 

sometimes when she is in the middle of play she just blurts it out without realizing what she is saying. the kids are so caught up in the game that they dont realise they hurt feelings. that is if the younger child gets hurt.

it is a constant fight in our home. a younger and older bro come over to play with dd. the younger one REALLY loves dd and ALWAYS wants to play with her. but older bro and dd dont want to play with him. so they always leave him out. i have to explain to her that if she just played with the younger oen for a little bit he wouldnt feel so left out. but then sometimes they all play together. 

she has another friend who does quite a few sleepovers. why? because she wants to get away from her little sis who always wants to play with her friends when tehy are over at her house. 

i have never come between kids. i have never been passive aggressive either. if dd came and complained to me i'd tell her i know she feels left out but those kids dont want to play with her now. and that's ok. maybe dd and i could do something. or if she said why are they mean to her - i'd say i dont think they were being mean. it may have sounded mean to her. they were telling her the truth. they did not want to share that toy with her now. and that's ok. i did this coz i knew i would see this behaviour in my dd one day. and i would know she doesnt mean to be mean. 'i dont want to share this toy with you now' is not a mean thing to say. its honest. 

and dd needed to understand that life does not revolve around her. this was happening at 4. and by 5 dd greatly struggled with realising that yeah really - the world does NOT revolve around her.