So many thoughts..

[hippiemombian]

This many not make any sense given my mind is on overload. I apologize in advance if it doesn't.

I've read a couple of the other posts about not being sure if HS is the best option for families. I feel like that is where I am. I am currently hs dd1 and I don't think its going well. We've been doing it since Feb and still haven't found our "groove." We use time4learning as our main curriculum and I am pleased with that. I think the problem is me. I don't have the patience to teach. I love planning out the lessons for the week and researching everything, but when it comes time to actually teaching her I get frustrated easily. She can read like it's nobodies business, but she will mess around and ask me how to spell words she learned 2 years ago. She and I have conflicting personalities, which I think is part of it, but I just don't know how not to get frustrated with her when she takes 2 hours to do one lesson that I know she could do in 30 minutes if she stopped messing around. She wants to be in ps, she did well there, she was always student of the week and teachers helper. I just don't want her there. Part of me is guilty because I enjoyed school when I was younger. I did things like plays, band, cheer leading, chorus etc. It was the best and worst time of my life. Being involved in clubs made it worth it, but I did get teased and bullied a lot. In high school, I had a 3.8 GPA and was in the honors program and decided my boyfriend was more important and ended up 16 and pregnant. I don't want that for her, so I feel like if I put her in that situation then that's what will happen. I'm most worried about when she gets into middle and high school if shes in ps because I can't control the environment and there are things I don't want her exposed to at a young age, mainly sex and drugs.

The other thing I am struggling with is my identity. I feel the need to have a career, but then I realize that my work is homeschooling and being a sahm. I don't know how to accept that this is my reality. Its scary for me because I was married and when we divorced I was left flat on my butt. I have no college education or work experience and I have no way to provide for myself or my kids. Luckily, I have a wonderful DP who takes care of us now, but what if something were to go wrong. How am I going to provide for us? I guess my struggle is fulfilling my desire to learn/work while sah and teaching them.

:sigh: idk, I'm so stressed and overwhelmed. Idk what to do, or what's "right." This is driving me crazy!

[SweetSilver]

School is not what it was even 10 years ago.  Some think it's better, some think it's worse.  I'm not posting to argue either way, but to point out that to base your desire to homeschool just on your own experience in school could be misleading.  I don't mean to say it's a mistake, just you need to take into account that schools are different, your dd's school would be a different school with different kids.  Your experience could indeed be still true today, but it might be totally different.

That doesn't mean that your experience couldn't be one piece of the picture, just that homeschooling works best when you have faith in the positive aspects of it.  So, instead of just "no bullying" another motivation might be "letting her direct her own learning" or "moving at her own pace", "making it more hands on", "taking breaks whenever we want"..... whatever.... a positive direction to look *to* instead of just a negative experience to move away *from*.

And there are other ways of homeschooling that don't involve making sure a "lesson" is finished.  You might not be an unschooling candidate (then again, you might!) but there are many many alternatives to curriculums that don't abandon "lessons" entirely.  These families use the labels of "eclectic" or "relaxed", take things as they come and are not bothered by labels.  What works, works.  And it needs to work for the whole family!

I suggest setting lessons aside entirely, even for the entire year.  Listen and help when your daughter asks.  Lay books around about topics she might enjoy.  Read to her, go to interesting places.  Give yourself a break.  Pick up your own hobby and let her join in.  Cook.  Garden.  Build.  Hike.  Take the year off.  First, it will diffuse the frustrating dynamic that is stewing.  It will give you a while to see whether you want to (and she wants to) enroll in school next year. *I think* it will give you time to notice that she is *asking* to learn things and discovering things on her own, just not necessarily what is on the agenda or even at the table.  It will give you time to ponder whether you have positive motivations to homeschool.  

Maybe at the end of your year off, you'll discover that she is more willing to sit at the table and work on some lessons with you.  Or you might discover that she is learning more and is more eager to learn with no imposed lessons at all!