Getting cold feet about ttc #2

[mindosxan]

Hi Everyone,

I don't post very often, but love this website.  A little background on me.  I have 1 child who is 6 years old whom I had at 21.  I had a tough labor (despite doing everything "right," hypnobirthing, EPO, perineal massage, exercising regularly, although I did succeed at having the natural birth I wanted, yay!) and hemorrhaged severely due to a retained placenta going undetected for 3 weeks (don't even get me started on the long term effects this all had on me physically).  I had planned on never having another child.  Fast forward to now and it has taken me a long time to come around to the idea. My husband  has been supportive either way.  He is open to having another or if we don't, that is fine too. My husband and I agreed 6 months ago that we would start ttc in august.  I was actually quite excited initially and threw myself into getting as healthy as possible.  Now that the time has come though, I am wavering.  Most of my hesitation is the idea of "starting over."  My son is so independent and self sufficient.  I worry I can't handle the sleepless nights and dirty diapers anymore, not to mention all my fears about a repeat of my previous complications.  I guess I just wondered if anyone else had any experience with this and if they were able to overcome it.  Anyways, thanks for any thoughts or advice anyone has.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Haven't been exactly where you are, but I have wavered on #2.  I know I want 2, but I am really worried about how DD will take it. I cried yesterday because I realized that I won't be able to wear her all the time because I will be wearing a new baby.  We spent the day at a fair and I wore her all day and it was wonderful and perfect.  I realized that this is the last year I will be able to do that with her. DD is 17m now, so I guess by 26 months, she won't need me to wear her as much, but it just makes me so so sad.  You are not alone, even though our reasons are different.  As far as you being able to do it again - you are 27 right?  Well, I'm 32, and I had my first at 30 - you can definitely handle the diapers, the sleepness nights, and all that comes with parenting an infant.  It's hard, but it passes quickly.

[Jaimee]

We were unsure of #2 as well.  Dd is  very spirited and high need.  She didn't STTN until she was 2 years old so I was waking up with her sometimes every 90 minutes for literally years.  Her behavior also left me wondering if I would ever be able to handle two children.  But then nature decided for us and I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy when dd was 27 months old. 

Almost everything is easier the second time around.  While it may have been some time since you breastfed, babyweared, or diapered, it all comes back to you and your experience from #1 allows you to breeze through issues and obstacles with less drama and emotional conflict.  Sleep deprivation sucks any way you look at it, BUT I was mentally prepared for it and found a "go with the flow" attitude much easier than I did with #1.  Second children tend to be a bit mellower because they simply have to be.  They are going to get carted around places, put down more, and sometime roughly handled by siblings.  That's just how it goes and they learn to deal.  Plus, a more relaxed second time mommy rubs off on baby.

There is absolutely a grieving process that some of us go through having a second child, realizing that this means the end of the relationship we currently have with our first.  It will never be the same.  But it will change into something else wonderful.  A second child allows your first to learn more independence, how to share, and how to nurture.  The sibling relationship that forms is something you can never truly understand until you see it.  A sibling is such a gift to your child. 

Since your first is 6 years old, she will be very helpful.  She can bring you diapers or burp rags or water when you need it.  She can get the baby toys or make faces at the baby while you're showering or cooking.  She will understand when you need a break and can entertain herself or get herself a snack.  She will also be at school during the day so you can be home alone with baby for a large part of the day. 

So my advice to you is this: if you feel in your heart that your family is not complete and that you would like to add another then don't worry about the logistics of having a newborn.  You will make it through and your dd will adjust and love her little brother or sister like crazy.

You might get some helpful responses in the Family Planning forum if you feel like reposting there.  Good luck with your decision!

[Belia]

Dh are planning to start TTC for #2 next cycle and I'm starting to get cold feet, too.  My son is just so perfect (in his imperfections ) and the love of my life, and TBH I also value the fact that I have time for me and can sleep, etc etc etc.  The idea of starting over with a second is kind of terrifying.  Will I ever have a moment to myself ever again??

DH is also a very easy little guy (knock on wood) and I have this superstition that if you (the collective "you") have an easy baby first, then your second is doomed to be a hellion.  I'm scared.  I'm a great mom, but I also have needs too.

But I have tried to tell myself to not try and overthink it.  It will all work out somehow.  I couldn't imagine how I would ever be able to handle one baby, but I did it.  People raise kids every day in much more trying circumstances than me.  I need to have faith.

But to be honest, if it were up to me I would probably wait just a smidge longer.  Unfortunately I am already 38, so I feel like my clock is ticking.