How to still believe in the ability of your body to birth naturally?

[allisonrose]

I have attempted and failed to have a natural birth twice. With my first, I realized that I didn't set myself up properly: hospital birth (with midwives) and things got complicated when I tested GBS+ and my water broke before labor started. I got the IV antibiotics, then pit then an epidural. I had a vaginal birth with a third degree tear which left my intimate life with my hubby to be painful for about 6 months PP.

For my second I chose a homebirth, I upped my intake of probiotics and got quite friendly with some garlic before my GBS test and tested negative. I had a long labor: ~36 hours of early labor and ~36 hours of active labor  (we suspect he was malpositioned but he definitely had a larger head - 14.5 inches). Eventually I was exhausted and in so much pain I said we should transfer. We went to the hospital and I got IV pain relief and pit. I asked for an epidural when the IV pain relief wore off but I was 9 cm when the doctor arrived so he didn't really want to do one for me. Instead I decided to just push my son out. I did have a tear (first degree from what I understand) and luckily didn't experience pain during sex this time around.

I want to believe in my body's ability to give birth without intervention but I haven't been able to. My hubby seems to feel our family is incomplete and so do I but if we were to have another baby, I don't know which way to turn in regards to the birth. Part of me thinks just see an OB and plan a hospital birth because that is where I'll likely end up. Another part wants another chance at a homebirth. Another part is thinking birth center which was not an option with my first or second due to travel time but where we live now there is a birth center not too far away yet we may not be living here if/when we have baby #3.

Another reason why I am having such issue with this is I was considering midwifery as a career. I haven't mentioned it to many people and probably wouldn't start pursuing it until my kids are older but how can I advocate for natural birth when I am so unsure of my body's ability to do it?

[CI Mama]

I'm sorry that you've had two difficult births.

In terms of your concern about becoming a midwife, I have a few random thoughts; I don't know if you'll find them helpful.

I believe any woman can advocate for natural birth. Even a woman who has never given birth. I myself had a c-section, but I still consider myself an advocate of natural birth. By that I mean:

--I believe that women should have access to comprehensive information about natural birth.

--I believe that a woman should have the ability to choose birth options that increase her chances of having a natural birth, if that's what she wants.

--I believe in working to remove barriers to natural birth for women who birth in all settings.

There are so many variations in the ways that women give birth. Even an intervention-free birth can go a number of different ways. A midwife will experience many of those variations in her practice. I don't think it's necessary for a midwife to experience every variation of birth prior to helping other women through the process. So in my mind, it's not a problem for you to help other women through intervention-free births, just because you didn't have one (yet).

There are many ways to believe in yourself. It just doesn't seem fair to say that you can only believe in yourself when everything turns out the way you plan. Can you believe in your ability to make choices based on changing information? In your ability to improvise? Can you believe in your resilience? In your ability to create a great support network for yourself? When I read your story, it seems to me that you learned a lot from your first birth and made some very well informed choices the second time around. And you are thinking through things carefully for the next round (if it comes).

None of us gets to have perfect control over birth; some of us get the illusion of control. Personally, I'd rather have a midwife who doesn't carry that illusion.

I wish you well in thinking things through, and even more, I wish you emotional healing. Adjusting our beliefs about ourselves is hard emotional work.

[Calliope84]

I've got some POP issues and I'm feeling quite irritated with the whole natural birthing thing.  I was very gung ho about it, but my labor lasted almost 30 hours and I stayed unmedicated until I started falling asleep between contractions. Then I ended up with an epidural at 9.5 cm. 

That looong labor was stressful on everyone.. On my body... maybe my baby, too, since she pood in me. I was also GBS+, which was stressful. The whole thing was stressful and of course it was painful. And I felt completely shellshocked when I discovered the pain AFTER GIVING BIRTH.

No one told me about how much pain came after the birth.

I came across so many midwives, doulas and other advocates of natural birth and not one of them talked about the fact that this stuff can happen. And no one wants to admit that hospitals and doctors DO play a useful part. I am watching "A Walk to Beautiful" on Netflix right now.

These mothers lost their babies in childbirth and ended up with fistulas (constantly leaking urine or feces) and were shunned by their villages.

C-sections would have saved their babies lives. It is just plain sad. Maybe doctors push the operations and medications  a little too much, but the key here is balance. Balance between having control while giving birth, but having the best help available should you need it.

For me, the hospital is the best place. I think I'd be more relaxed and less annoyed in a birth center or alone in a dark room at home, but if my baby starts showing signs of being distressed, I want doctors there to help, immediately.

EDIT:

As I read some of the stories on this thread...

I don't know...

Doctors can really screw things up. You have to find the best doctor or midwife you can and then get a good birth plan and hope for the best. Bad things can happen when giving birth.. We don't have all the control... No one does, unfortunately

And I'm scared for #2, too, and I do not trust that everything will just work out fine.