How much does Dad's position matter? - Page 2

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

And that is exactly the kind of language that is used every day in the Circ forum.  

While that is true, I see circ as a more damaging and irreversible horror to your child. It would be interesting to see a poll of MDC mamas answer that question..... what do they think is more damaging.... circ or vaxes?

[Adaline'sMama]

IME, a lot of people I know have changed there minds about not vaxing, but Ive never known anyone that says they wished they had circed their son. Even some of the die hard no vax ladies I know now vax their kids for one reason or another. Im not arguing that people should vax, as we only vax for dtap, and if it wasnt for DH I wouldnt even do that.

I know not everyone has the opportunity to do so because of surprise pregnancies and quick marriages, but these arguments are precisely why I think its important to really know the person you are choosing to parent with. We discussed circ, vax, school options, and parenting methods long before we ever had children. I know that some things change, and opinions change, but the idea that seems to be rampant on everywhere on MDC is that if everything isnt perfect and if someone disagrees with you or your methods at all- get that person out of your life as fast as possible. And that doesnt just apply to Im not Vaxing and the Circ forum. Its everywhere. People dont like to compromise, and marriage isnt seen as something that you HAVE to work on or work out most of the time.



As far as the OP goes, I wasnt insinuating that she as a troll, I was basically saying how embarrassing it is that a new person came and asked for advice and when she comes back to look, all she is really going to see is how drama filled this forum is. Instead of advice about how people got past these issues with their partner, she is going to see a bunch of "I threatened to leave my DH if he wanted to vax", which is really not very helpful. Most people are not going to threaten to leave their husband and take their kid away over a healthcare issue that can really, just be put off for a while until things can be discussed further.

I know if I was the OP, Id have no real reason to come back to MDC after I read this thread. I hope that isnt the case for her.

[philomom]

"I threatened to leave my DH if he wanted to vax"

This argument is so unhelpful to other parents. It doesn't explain how you arrived at the views you came to hold dear. Kathymuggle had a thread recently about trying to find some common ground but no one seems willing to really listen to the other side. We all have tunnel vision and see our view only.

And if you did divorce him or the non-compliant spouse.. he/she can take the kids to free clinic on his weekend and have them vaxed up because he's/she's their parent, too. And the courts often side in favor of vaxes still. No kidding.. happened to one of my girlfriends and her kids. The judge told her she was lucky he didn't just take the kids away because he thought she'd been negligent.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 
. I know that some things change, and opinions change, but the idea that seems to be rampant on everywhere on MDC is that if everything isnt perfect and if someone disagrees with you or your methods at all- get that person out of your life as fast as possible. And that doesnt just apply to Im not Vaxing and the Circ forum. Its everywhere. People dont like to compromise, and marriage isnt seen as something that you HAVE to work on or work out most of the time.

 

I looked over this thread (briefly) and only one person said they would leave their partner over it.  

 

I do, however, agree that the idea of "get people who disagree with you out of your life" is rampant on MDC.   What is at the root of this would make an interesting discussion.

 

In terms of practical advise - what I would do if DH and I were at loggerheads:

1.  agree on research parameters.  Honestly, if you want me to do something I do not want to do, you have to make your case.  I can read his stuff, he can read mine, we can talk to people in the know.

 

2.  Look at your individual issues or concerns.  I am a non-vaxxers - but I might have some wiggle room if Dh was very concerned over the non vaxxing.  Very delayed and selective might be a compromise that would work for us. There might be other compromises thoughtful parents think up.  

 

I would also look at the balance of power in the relationship in general.  One person should not always be the one compromising -  it should be give and take.  

 

As far as the OP goes, I wasnt insinuating that she as a troll, I was basically saying how embarrassing it is that a new person came and asked for advice and when she comes back to look, all she is really going to see is how drama filled this forum is

 

My bad.  Lately when someone mentions that a new person is new they are often insinuating they are a troll.  

K

Edited by kathymuggle - 9/10/11 at 1:49pm

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by philomom 

"I threatened to leave my DH if he wanted to vax"

This argument is so unhelpful to other parents. It doesn't explain how you arrived at the views you came to hold dear. Kathymuggle had a thread recently about trying to find some common ground but no one seems willing to really listen to the other side. We all have tunnel vision and see our view only.

And if you did divorce him or the non-compliant spouse.. he/she can take the kids to free clinic on his weekend and have them vaxed up because he's/she's their parent, too. And the courts often side in favor of vaxes still. No kidding.. happened to one of my girlfriends and her kids. The judge told her she was lucky he didn't just take the kids away because he thought she'd been negligent.

I don't always agree with you, lol, but I do on the bolded!  

I also agree with the bottom paragraph - divorcing or separating from someone who wants to vax  is more likely to land your child vaxxed than if you had stayed and tried to work it out, due to court issues and such.

Edited by kathymuggle - 9/10/11 at 1:53pm

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by philomom 

"I threatened to leave my DH if he wanted to vax"

This argument is so unhelpful to other parents. It doesn't explain how you arrived at the views you came to hold dear. Kathymuggle had a thread recently about trying to find some common ground but no one seems willing to really listen to the other side. We all have tunnel vision and see our view only.

And if you did divorce him or the non-compliant spouse.. he/she can take the kids to free clinic on his weekend and have them vaxed up because he's/she's their parent, too. And the courts often side in favor of vaxes still. No kidding.. happened to one of my girlfriends and her kids. The judge told her she was lucky he didn't just take the kids away because he thought she'd been negligent.

Im confused. Are you addressing me? Or just the general "you" of people who hold this opinion? I just want to make it clear that I do not think its okay to threaten your partner with custody of your kid over vax issues.




Kathymuggle,
You are right, only one person said they would leave their DH over it. I just feel like that is very unhelpful advice for someone who has come looking.

And about the troll thing, I could totally see how that could have been taken for me thinking she was a troll because of recent events.

[philomom]

No, I purposefully removed the quote to show that some MDC folks do often say this whether it pertains to circ, homebirth, vax or whatnot. Compromise is an art form and its tricky sometimes. But having two caring and involved parents has been worth the struggles, IMHO.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by philomom 



While that is true, I see circ as a more damaging and irreversible horror to your child.

That's your opinion, and you are entitled to it, but that doesn't mean that everyone, even amongst MDCers, hold the same view.

[Marnica]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 



Im confused. Are you addressing me? Or just the general "you" of people who hold this opinion? I just want to make it clear that I do not think its okay to threaten your partner with custody of your kid over vax issues.




Kathymuggle,
You are right, only one person said they would leave their DH over it. I just feel like that is very unhelpful advice for someone who has come looking.

And about the troll thing, I could totally see how that could have been taken for me thinking she was a troll because of recent events.

I just caught up on this thread from last week and was dismayed to see what it turned into. As to the bolded, I have to say after throughly reading all posts - the person that said she would leave her husband before vaxing her child is not giving advice. The OP asked to hear how other people have handled this issue, specifically she said she wanted to hear all "the stories". Saying the health of my children matters more than the opinion of my husband is not advice, it's an opinion statement. While I don't agree with her, she is still entitled to state how that particular issue was handled in her house and what the outcome was....this is precisely what the OP asked for. I don't see why reading a statement like that would make the OP not want to come back. What may make her not want to return is the bickering over the interpretation of language.
 

[Amy M]

I am relatively new and was just scanning over this thread so I had to throw in my thoughts     My DH and I must not be as advanced in our relationship as some of you all.  I am fortunate that my DH is willing to go along with me on the nonvax issue and I compromised with him on the circ issue.  I personally felt vaxxes were more damaging than circ. DH was not willing to research or argue so he trusted me on the vax issues since he knows we both want what is best for our kiddos. However I frequent boards like this so I have the research, background and ideas if needed (DH's mom is a NICU nurse) and so I feel secure in the choices I make. That is how we worked it out in our family.  We have informally agreed I do the kids stuff and my health and he goes to his own docs.  I hope I explained that well.

As far as the "I'll leave you and take the kids" statement maybe I can tell you my families side.  I am not the person who originally said it but DH and I use it.  When DH or I say that it is never said in a nasty way but more informative as this is where we draw the line in the sand type of statement.  After finding out my DH's bro had a long term affair with a coworker and left his wife I told my DH- if you did that I would take the kids and leave..... which got us into a discussion on our personal ideals regarding affairs.   Also I told DH if he gave me or my kiddos a CP or Flu vax I would leave.  That is how strongly I feel about it and he is aware this is not something I would be very willing to compromise on.  Knowing a couple's personal relationship behind closed doors is tough so maybe the previous poster just used that statement as her personal line in the sand.  I hope I didnt violate any terms with this post- I was just amazed at how people reacted to that statement.