September Chit Chat - Page 12 « Back to Group Discussions

[Viriditas]

Congratulations Luna!  I haven't been posting on this thread lately, but I've been following your story.  I'm so glad your little one is doing so well. :)

 

[Ajbaby]

Wow, I need to check this more often! Congrats Luna!

[IwannaBanRN]

I'm in agreement. A baby photo/birth story thread would be a good idea and can be resurrected as more women give birth. I'm getting really excited to give birth and show off my lil man. :)

[Jaimee]

Christina, if you feel up to it, be our first birth story!!     http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1330432/the-birth-story-thread

[MrsKatie]

It's so crazy how close we're all getting! I'll be full-term 3 weeks from Friday, omg!

[Paigekitten]

I know, less then three weeks for me now.  I'm wanting to nest like crazy, but I'm so tired, and our house is all torn up because we are replacing the floor in the kitchen and dining room.  I hope we get it finished soon so I can get my house all settled back into shape, it's really driving me nuts these last few days.

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by Paigekitten 

I know, less then three weeks for me now.  I'm wanting to nest like crazy, but I'm so tired, and our house is all torn up because we are replacing the floor in the kitchen and dining room.  I hope we get it finished soon so I can get my house all settled back into shape, it's really driving me nuts these last few days.

I'm on the same page as you, sister.  Between working (with 3-year-old children with severe Autism) and sleeping 2-3 hours a night, all I can do when I'm at home is lie in bed.  On the computer, of course.  Plus, we live with DH's grandmother (until at least February 2012) so our space is not ours and we don't have room for much.  Plus she is constantly re-arranging my stuff in the kitchen for no reason, then either forgetting where she put it or denying that she touched anything at all, which absolutely drives me batty.  But I could go on and on about living with her... let's just say we thought it would be a great idea (we save money AND she gets the help she needs! Brilliant!)... and we were sorely mistaken.  But that's a whole 'nother story.

[Paigekitten]

Oooh, I lived with and took care of my grandmother in college.  I'm sure it would be about twenty million times harder with kids and pregnant.  

We've been short on sleep around here too.  I actually am attempting to move our bedrooms around today 'cause my four year old keeps waking up my two year old.  I hope it will help, but I have one empty dirty room at this point that desperately needs swept, but I'm all out of umph.  Oh well, I have a couple more hours before bedtime.

[Eternal_Howl]

I have some good news of my own to share. It's not as exciting as Luna's, but very reassuring.

My midwife was concerned about me having a vaginal birth. I saw the OBGYN today and discussed my issues and he thinks that they will resolve themself after birth and that unless there is something else, there is no valid reason for me to have a C-Section. He shared all the same views as me, but I appreciate my midwife for considering my well-being enough to push for this appointment. She wanted to make sure I have all the information surrounding my issue.

I had just about gotten to the stage I had accepted my 'lot' as it were and now I can shove those ideas behind me, be grateful for the knowledge if I need it, but prepare for a 'regular' labour and birth. I never thought I'd look forward to pain so much in my life!

[Jaimee]

Congrats, Raewyn!  That's awesome news!!

[jbk21]

Hooray!  I'm so happy to hear this!
 

Originally Posted by Eternal_Howl 

I have some good news of my own to share. It's not as exciting as Luna's, but very reassuring.

My midwife was concerned about me having a vaginal birth. I saw the OBGYN today and discussed my issues and he thinks that they will resolve themself after birth and that unless there is something else, there is no valid reason for me to have a C-Section. He shared all the same views as me, but I appreciate my midwife for considering my well-being enough to push for this appointment. She wanted to make sure I have all the information surrounding my issue.

I had just about gotten to the stage I had accepted my 'lot' as it were and now I can shove those ideas behind me, be grateful for the knowledge if I need it, but prepare for a 'regular' labour and birth. I never thought I'd look forward to pain so much in my life!

[birdhappy85]

I'm having a rough, lonely night since DH is at work and my anxiety is overwhelming me... I just need a sounding board.

Reality is setting in that I'll be a mother soon and I don't know what's going to happen with my job and how I'll balance work and personal life. I've been on short-term disability since August and it will likely ride out through the end of the year. My FMLA was being clocked simultaneously so that runs out mid-October. I would be happy not returning to this job, but I think it's mainly because I'm kind of depressed and have lost confidence in my work abilities while struggling through my pregnancy. I feel like a failure. I also start tearing up when I imagine having to go back to work 6 weeks after my baby is born. That has to be the biggest source of anxiety for me with motherhood approaching. I have always resented my mom for not being there for me and my siblings because she was so career-focused and all over the place all of the time. It really screwed us up, to be blunt. She made part time pay for working full time and tried to be there for us as much as she could, I'll give her that, although her idea of "being there" for her children was much different than the actual needs we had. And when it comes down to it, my dad made a ton of money and my mom could've stayed home in a heartbeat... hence my resentment of the clear choice she made to put career first and children second. I never want to make my children feel even an ounce of the abandonment, insecurity, neglect, or anything I felt as a child. I guess all of those old feelings are being stirred up in me as I think about myself as a working mom now. I already love my baby so much and she's not even here yet. I want to give her the best opportunity to develop secure attachments and feel completely protected and cared about in her first few years of life. I worry that my working, even part time, will damage that. Is that a valid worry or am I overreacting?

If DH and I live paycheck to paycheck and really cut expenses, we can get by for a while... although we'll be dipping into savings for anything extra and we don't have a ton. I think I'll have to work at least part time in some capacity and hopefully figure out a way to work hours opposite DH's schedule so we don't have to put our baby into daycare. I'm absolutely against putting her in daycare so early; I want her to be taken care of by me and DH. I guess it doesn't help my anxiety that my options I'm seeing before me are so black and white since I'm so passionate one way or another with these issues...

Is anyone else struggling with any worries like this? I only know one person in my real life who has the same values as me when it comes to parenting in the beginning and really being there for our children... so I feel extremely alone with my tears and concerns. I despise being a pregnant woman with these ideals in a sea of career women who have made comments to me like, "Remember to let your baby cry it out," and, "Don't ever co-sleep with your children; they'll never leave your bed later then." They act like forcing your babies to be independent so early and learn to live without you is a good thing. I just hate this! I have such different values I guess...

Thanks for listening.

[Jaimee]

I'm sorry Joanie!  I think all your fears and concern are completely legitimate.  I personally feel that being able to truly be present for your children- especially during the early years- is so critical.  I did not give a second thought to staying at home and giving up my job, which I loved.  I knew that in order to be the type of parent that I wanted to be that I had to stay home.  My dh and I lived on his grad school stipend of $12,000/year for a bit and then his post doc salary, which was definitely more but not a lot.  We made it work.   It can be done!

I also want to throw out there that you never know what is coming with the transition to motherhood.  You could be blessed with an awesome sleeper or a colicky baby that just won't stay asleep.  You could be blessed with an easy breastfeeding relationship or with struggles that you have to work hard at to overcome.  You could fall naturally into motherhood or you could fight through baby blues or PPD.   You don't know yet.  But your best chance of dealing with these issues is to be 100% focused on you and your baby.  You are already seeing how difficult it can be to balance work and pregnancy.  I really cannot see balancing motherhood and work being easier for you- I would imagine it would be much more challenging.

It really sounds to me that you know what you want, but you're torn b/c of money.  I am not at all trivializing finances as a concern- they absolutely are and add their own stresses.  BUT, it can be done.  You'll need a budget, you'll probably have to make some sacrifices, but you will find a way if it's what you truly believe is right for you and your family.  

[jbk21]

I remember having a breakdown about the same things during my pregnancy, Joanie.  I was probably not as far along as we are, but I was in tears over not knowing how we'd make ends meet without my income (my husband makes ~30,000 a year. That's it.)  And I refused to put my child into daycare.  He wasn't having any luck finding a new job, and I felt so stuck and hopeless.  

I think it was about a month later that something just worked out- I decided to take a position at my FIL's company as his billing coordinator.  I'd only work 2 days a week, and those wouldn't even be full days and since it was my FIL it could be flexible.  I could give up my nearly-full-time job and just have these two partial days to work outside of the house- then my husband could take care of the baby on those days.  It worked out really, really well, and then another opportunity came up just before we moved (and thusly I'd have to quit at FIL's company) where I would be able to work very part-time hours from home for a business research firm.  I still do that and now my son is 2.5.  It's hard to work from home- i.e. it's hard to focus- but I'm glad that I can make a couple hundred dollars a month to pad our income.  We can't save any money right now, but at least we are able to pay our bills.  DH's job is going well and he's up for another promotion and raise, then another in a few months, and is on track for a HUGE promotion within 2 years.  All that to say that things will work out, just stay positive and keep your eyes peeled for opportunities.  

If it's possible that you don't have to return to work full time, I think that would be an easier option. I do not think that having a part time job will affect your daughter's attachment, in fact I think it will be good for her to have one-on-one time with DH.  Presence of the mother 24/7 actually is detrimental to attachment because baby needs to develop the understanding that people are still "there" even when they are not physically present (object permanence).  It's also good for them to be flexible with other caregivers.  Secure attachment means baby is okay with you leaving, not that they never want you to leave.  You'd have to do some pretty awful neglecting to get a child with "insecure" attachment.  Sorry, psychology/child development geek-out moment :-) Anyway.....

In fact, I don't know many women who are completely job-free-SAHMs.  Everyone I know has some sort of gig on the side- whether in or out of the house.  It helps not only with finances but it also keeps you sharp and engaged in society with other adults- something that is very much needed for full time at home moms.  I definitely consider myself a stay at home mom (technically WAHM), I am always here to meet my son's needs, and yet I can still contribute financially (though meager).  

Again, we live on 32k a year with my husband's salary, and I probably only add about 3k to that. (no typos.)  Before taxes, of course (which are ridiculous in OR.)  We have zero savings (hopefully that will change soon!) Not much at all for the three of us- but we definitely make it work.  Adjustments are necessary, but you can do it.  Think of it this way- there will be hardly an "entertainment" budget because, um, you'll be at home all the time with baby.  So "extra" stuff (in my experience) just doesn't need much of a budget category because you won't have time for as many extras.  If that makes sense.  

And just drown out those career-minded, cry-it-out mamas.  Seriously, they just need to give you "advice" so they feel better about their choices/situation. :-)

[Abraisme]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I have several friends that have really cut back and had to struggle financially to stay at home.  You're not over reacting AT ALL.  In fact, your passion about this will only get stronger after the baby is born.  A couple of my friends were SURE that they were going to go back to work after their babies were born..  They just could not do it after the held their children in their arms.  Many are struggling, but their kids are kept out of daycare.  There are ways to live on very little..  There are also ways to make a little extra $$ from home.  I have one friend that is a full time nanny (in her home) and it gives them the extra income that they need to keep going.. 

If there is a will, there is often a way!   When my DS was born I was a single parent with zero help from the father.  I found a way to completely support myself from home so that I could raise my baby.  I was a nanny and ran a small ebay re-sale business.  I took government aid for the first year, then I made it on my own.  I did this for 4 years until I met my DH and we got married.  Anything is possible.  :) 
 

Originally Posted by birdhappy85  I already love my baby so much and she's not even here yet. I want to give her the best opportunity to develop secure attachments and feel completely protected and cared about in her first few years of life. I worry that my working, even part time, will damage that. Is that a valid worry or am I overreacting?

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

It really sounds to me that you know what you want, but you're torn b/c of money.  I am not at all trivializing finances as a concern- they absolutely are and add their own stresses.  BUT, it can be done.  You'll need a budget, you'll probably have to make some sacrifices, but you will find a way if it's what you truly believe is right for you and your family.  

This.

DH is a bartender and doesn't make much money, either (see jbk's figures, above).  But I have always known that when this baby comes, my number one priority is staying home with him/her for as long as I think is appropriate.  That may be 2 years, it may be 10, depending on how many children we have and what their care/needs levels are.  This is more important than, say, building up a college fund for our children.  I'd love to do it all, but until I figure out a way that can happen, I'm sticking with my number-one priority: Staying home with my children, especially when they're little.

Joanie, if I had to go back to work with a 6-week-old at home, I'd be freaking out, too.  But listen, girl: You have options.  You CAN make this work.  You don't even have to know how.  You just have to have the intention.  Stay as calm as you can, and go with your gut.  You might regret going back to work, but you will never regret staying home with your baby (I promise).  There are so many ways to make this work.  There's craigslist and freecycle and yard sales and hand-me-downs and goodwill.  There are friends who want to swap babysitting hours and there are cheap dates.  And that's just the beginning.

DH and I had our "last hurrah" pre-baby vacation, and we spent a night in Newport, OR where we walked on the beach, spent the day at the aquarium, hung out at an Irish pub, and stayed in a yurt at a campsite.  Didn't dent our pocketbook much, and it was one of the best vacations ever.

I can't tell you enough how much you can make this work.  I'm being so emphatic because it really seems you want to stay home with your baby.  But I also want to emphasize that EVERY woman should have that choice, and I don't see staying home as morally superior to going back to work.  I've seen awesome moms who do both, and it's super important that we all make the choice based on what feels right, what resonates with our soul.

Originally Posted by Paigekitten 

Oooh, I lived with and took care of my grandmother in college.  I'm sure it would be about twenty million times harder with kids and pregnant.  

Ugh. You have no. idea.

However, if we hadn't moved in with her (which we did back in February), and if we weren't going to stay with her at least till early next year, there's no way we could have saved enough money to buy a house (our next move).  We haven't paid rent, and she foots the grocery bill, so we've been able to save enough to make that dream a reality.  I am grateful that she has provided us this opportunity... but I can't lie, living here with her is, hands-down, one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Ever.

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

I'm having a rough, lonely night since DH is at work and my anxiety is overwhelming me... I just need a sounding board.

Reality is setting in that I'll be a mother soon and I don't know what's going to happen with my job and how I'll balance work and personal life. I've been on short-term disability since August and it will likely ride out through the end of the year. My FMLA was being clocked simultaneously so that runs out mid-October. I would be happy not returning to this job, but I think it's mainly because I'm kind of depressed and have lost confidence in my work abilities while struggling through my pregnancy. I feel like a failure. I also start tearing up when I imagine having to go back to work 6 weeks after my baby is born. That has to be the biggest source of anxiety for me with motherhood approaching. I have always resented my mom for not being there for me and my siblings because she was so career-focused and all over the place all of the time. It really screwed us up, to be blunt. She made part time pay for working full time and tried to be there for us as much as she could, I'll give her that, although her idea of "being there" for her children was much different than the actual needs we had. And when it comes down to it, my dad made a ton of money and my mom could've stayed home in a heartbeat... hence my resentment of the clear choice she made to put career first and children second. I never want to make my children feel even an ounce of the abandonment, insecurity, neglect, or anything I felt as a child. I guess all of those old feelings are being stirred up in me as I think about myself as a working mom now. I already love my baby so much and she's not even here yet. I want to give her the best opportunity to develop secure attachments and feel completely protected and cared about in her first few years of life. I worry that my working, even part time, will damage that. Is that a valid worry or am I overreacting?

If DH and I live paycheck to paycheck and really cut expenses, we can get by for a while... although we'll be dipping into savings for anything extra and we don't have a ton. I think I'll have to work at least part time in some capacity and hopefully figure out a way to work hours opposite DH's schedule so we don't have to put our baby into daycare. I'm absolutely against putting her in daycare so early; I want her to be taken care of by me and DH. I guess it doesn't help my anxiety that my options I'm seeing before me are so black and white since I'm so passionate one way or another with these issues...

Is anyone else struggling with any worries like this? I only know one person in my real life who has the same values as me when it comes to parenting in the beginning and really being there for our children... so I feel extremely alone with my tears and concerns. I despise being a pregnant woman with these ideals in a sea of career women who have made comments to me like, "Remember to let your baby cry it out," and, "Don't ever co-sleep with your children; they'll never leave your bed later then." They act like forcing your babies to be independent so early and learn to live without you is a good thing. I just hate this! I have such different values I guess...

Thanks for listening.

Hey Joanie,

I can identify with some of your fears on some level.

With regards to having to go back to work 6 weeks post-partum: I'm sorry to hear that. Mainly, because it would be nice for you to have a bit more of an adjustment. Like you, I'm having my first child and it's a whole new experience. As far as working, I have another perspective that may (or may not) help. My mother had to work when I was young. I hated being separated from her as a youngster, BUT, she didn't do it because she wanted to. She worked because she had to. My father worked too, but between the two of them, they BARELY had enough to get by. I'm sure it was that way for a lot of parents in the 70s. I could be wrong, but I would hazard a guess that a reasonable child is going to figure out that work isn't something you want to do just to get away from them. If your employer is able to be understanding and respect that family comes first and that if you need to take off to make sure things are okay, perhaps that would take some of the stress out of it for you? Is your boss approachable in that respect?

As far as the job goes and not liking where you're at and feeling like a failure: For me, being pregnant has made me reflect on things and at almost 34, I wished I had finished my university education 10 years ago. It's on hold in my country of origin. I got a nasty wake-up when I moved to the US and found that everyone wanted a high school diploma or University degree. It made no sense to me since most jobs require some kind of on the job training. So, consequently, ditching $19 an hour jobs for $8 an hour and such was a kick in the teeth and it doesn't help pay the bills any easier. There are a bunch of things that go with it, but even getting pregnant when I did and not knowing all the rammifications of that until a few months later, made me feel like a completely selfish and stupid unprepared person. That's why I'm so glad I have such a wonderful husband. He's cool, even when I'm not. That's why I wanted to have his child and nobody elses.

I think it's good that you're passionate and you want good attachments with your child. I don't want to put my little one into care either, but the reality is, if I head back to the US (I'm currently waiting in New Zealand to give birth - no health insurance so a US birth would cost $15k or more and now hubby misses out on the birth of his baby), to ensure that our family isn't totally stressed, I think I would need at least a part-time job and perhaps if I work evenings, then there wouldn't be a need for daycare.  ]

Nobody can tell you how to raise your child. They might try, but it's not up to them. You have your views based on your experience. You acknowledge how those experiences made you feel. You acknowledge how you might try and do things differently.

You and I are both in a transitional stage and it's scary. We each have our own reasons to be scared, but I'm pretty sure the fear is normal when you want to be a good mother to your baby. I get bad anxiety when I try to think about finances, juggling work, relationships etc. We're on a low income too.

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by MrsKatie 

 You might regret going back to work, but you will never regret staying home with your baby (I promise).  .

I dig that. That's something for me to take on board too. Thank you.
 

[SoCaliMommy]

At my appt yesterday at 33wks I measured 35wks, I have a consult appt with a perinatologist Monday I'm hoping he'll do a ultrasound at the appointment.
This is around the same gestation and measurement that I had with Alexandria. So H could be here as soon as the first week of October if he decides to be born early like her.

[Abraisme]

Just a little FYI.  If you don't have health insurance (and make under a certain income $40-$50k?) you can get free medical insurance in the US that will cover your birth.  Many of my friends have gotten it.  The government here doesn't want women to give birth without insurance, so it's pretty easy to get.  Also, I'm not sure what state you were in, but I paid for my birth out of pocket and it only cost $3000 for midwives.  I don't know a single person that has ever paid for a hospital birth out of pocket..
 

Originally Posted by Eternal_Howl 

I think it's good that you're passionate and you want good attachments with your child. I don't want to put my little one into care either, but the reality is, if I head back to the US (I'm currently waiting in New Zealand to give birth - no health insurance so a US birth would cost $15k or more and now hubby misses out on the birth of his baby), to ensure that our family isn't totally stressed, I think I would need at least a part-time job and perhaps if I work evenings, then there wouldn't be a need for daycare.  ]