Would you feel a little weird about this? - Page 2

[serenbat]

I wonder if you might have misread something, because your response is just plain confusing because the antagonism is so out-of-place. 

no, that is how I feel - there are many statements in the OP that make me feel the way I said

and

 as others have also said -  

Originally Posted by ACsMom   But memorials are for grown-ups who experienced the event being remembered.  Not for young children who barely understand what it means to be dead. 

I respectfully disagree with this statement. Memorials serve many purposes, and one of them is teaching children.Another is to help everyone, even children, process. 

bold by me

I find the quote the OP wrote as I described-I was not reading another post nor do I need to be view as hyper-patriotic for holding my beliefs!

opt out is a great option but if you want to think you child won't be exposed because the don't attend a service thats really stretching it - IMO

[ACsMom]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, all.  I have/had no plans to shelter my child from knowledge of 9/11; my main issue with the school doing this was that there wasn't a whole lot of heads-up for the parents, if we did want to take this opportunity to introduce & process this subject with our kids; and the fact that the parents are not invited.  I agree that it will very likely be tastefully done and hopefully not political in any way.  But I have a sensitive child who sometimes DOES latch on to something she hears and develops anxiety around it.  I certainly will be talking to her about this before the assembly, and I don't plan to address my concerns with the school other than to talk to her teacher to get more details on how it will be presented.  It's not that I don't trust the school, either - I completely trust them, actually, to conduct the school day in a way they genuinely feel is best for the students.  But as someone posted, I don't lose my rights as a parent between the hours of 8 and 3 every day, and I don't lose my right to feel concerned about her exposure to a potentially emotional presentation about a horrible and terrifying event. 

[karne]

opt out is a great option but if you want to think you child won't be exposed because the don't attend a service thats really stretching it - IMO

I didn't get that from the OP.  I got that she was struggling with a legitimate question about whether or not the memorial at school was the right choice, for her child.  I think her questions are developmentally on target.  How do very young children process emotionally charged events?  How do they experience themselves, and their place, when exposed to issues of loss, trauma, etc.    The OP stated that she and her partner are intimately connected through loss to this event.  I didn't hear that they are hiding from this at all.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Honestly, if I didn't like the tone I thought things were going to take.. I'd keep my kid out that morning. Just because you public school doesn't mean you have to attend all things.

Yes. I wouldn't spend much time analyzing this from every angle. If you don't want her to go, keep her home. It's not truly "mandatory", she doesn't have to go. And it does sound to me like the school gave you a heads' up by telling you a few days ahead of time. So you have a few days' notice to decide whether you want to address it with your child first, keep her home, let her attend, etc.

I wouldn't assume you are completely shielding her from it by keeping her home though. Other kids will be talking about it and her teacher may be talking more about it to the children next week. So maybe you should talk to her about it regardless of whether or not you let her go to the assembly. 

[NiteNicole]

I would fret about an assembly like this.  My daughter is five and she's sensitive.  She knows very little about 9/11.  My husband and I were there, we watched it all happen from our windows.  It was a terrifying time.  I find it hard to watch the memorials and things on tv, it's just too much.  Incidentally, we had also just moved to Louisiana a few days before Katrina.  I find it hard to watch memorials from that time, too.  It's just too hard.  It feels like being right back in that time and it's a reminder that it happened once, it could happen again.  I don't think they shouldn't HAVE memorials and documentaries, I'm just not ready to watch them and try to explain ALL the details to my five year old.

I have tried to talk to my daughter about these things in age-appropriate terms but it's hard.  It's hard for me to get through it without choking up and that scares her.  I don't want her to be afraid.  It's also hard to know how much is enough or too much information and it's complicated.

You do have the option to discuss it ahead of time in whatever terms you feel appropriate and assume the school will handle it with sensitivity, then be ready to answer her questions when she has them.  There were so so many children who lost parents, I am sure there are some excellent sources on line for how to discuss this with kids.

We also talk about the real deal on Thanksgiving and other things like that, so my daughter is aware that violence happens and that history is complex, with good guys and bad guys and gray areas.  I just don't think at FIVE she's ready for the whole story and as much as possible, I try to get in ahead of other people to ease her in. 

[Imakcerka]

Hopefully you were able to decide what was right for your daughter.  9/11 should be remembered of course.  However it wouldn't hurt if you explained it to her first.

I'm rather confused as to why others got so upset about this.  Seriously?  I'm noticing more and more that there are a few names that come up on this forum and they will disagree with everything and say something rude and snarky.  How is that helpful?  This is a mothering forum, helping each other come to some sort of sane conclusion with our own familes through reaching out to others.  Not be put down or disrespected. 

Put your cranky pants aside and lets help each other. 

[ACsMom]

Thanks, Imakcerka!  I spoke to her teacher and the focus of the assembly will be on pride in our country and how people came together as Americans to help each other, etc.  They've been doing some prep work with the younger kids in the classroom, tying the upcoming assembly to the Pledge of Allegiance they say every morning...stuff like that.  So I'm feeling a whole lot less "weird."  If my daughter comes home with any questions, we'll talk about it then.  If she doesn't, we'll just leave it at that.

[Linda on the move]

update please!! 

How was it? What did your DD get out of it? Do you feel the school handled it well?

[lindberg99]

I was wondering how it went too. I noticed our paper had an article about talking to kids about 9/11 but I think it ran on 9/11. I was thinking they should have run it a couple days earlier.

Hope things went well!

[ACsMom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

update please!! 

How was it? What did your DD get out of it? Do you feel the school handled it well?

Lol - her biggest take-away was that the 8th grade chorus at her school is awesome and she wants to be in it when she gets old enough.  Regarding the presentation itself, however, she was a little confused.  I think that the prep the teachers did beforehand led her to believe the presentation would have something to do with the "Pledge," as she calls it, and she didn't understand why they didn't say the Pledge during the assembly.  I had talked to her the night before to try to explain what the assembly was going to be about, and she said, "I know, Mom, my teacher told me."  So I was like, "Okay, well can we talk about it again after the assembly and you let me know if you have questions?"  and she said we could.  But when she came home that day she was all about the chorus, and her only question was why they didn't say the Pledge.  I asked her what they did do, and she really couldn't remember anything at all that was said....I think the whole thing was lost on the young kids, but now that I'm looking at this in retrospect I think that as a package, the classroom prep plus the assembly was a pretty mild introduction to the subject and probably the best way it could have been done.  I still don't understand the school's reasoning for not involving the parents, but I'm going to let this one go.  Thanks for all the support here, everyone! :)

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by ACsMom 

 By the way, American history starts in FIFTH grade at the schools in my state, and my daughter is in Kindergarten.

Just out of curiousity... what do you tell your daughter about Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, and all of the other "memorial" days we celebrate as a nation?

[ACsMom]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Just out of curiousity... what do you tell your daughter about Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, and all of the other "memorial" days we celebrate as a nation?

Well, so far she has heard from us that the Fourth of July is a celebration of our country's independence, that Presidents' Day honors the people who have led said country, that MLK was a great man who stood up for freedom and compassion toward all people, and she doesn't know what Memorial Day or Labor Day are because she's too young to get it.  What do you tell YOUR very young children about these things?

When I posted that sentence you quoted, I was responding to some unreasonable criticism from another poster, who questioned my so-called "assumption" that my daughter wouldn't learn about 9/11 in History class.  I was pointing out that History class is not where she would be hearing about it for the first time, given that, as I said, American History starts in 5th grade. 

[Tracy]

Funny I would find this post.

I produced the 911 Rememberance day for my son's school on Friday. 

We had it only for the upper grades, 4, 5 & 6.  I built a powerpoint for the teachers and did not use graphic photos. It was accurate to what happened...but  NOT sensationalized. 

The teachers discussed it in their classrooms and they said there were some very thoughtful discussions.  Some kids knew more than others (of course) before Friday.

Then they came to my presentation in the auditorium.  I had guest speakers (mostly parents) speak about what that day was like for them.   And I made sure one of the parents who was pregnant on 9/11 and due that week with our current 4th grader tell her experience.    I had the teachers speak about that day for them.  I had a former student who is now 20 talk about being in the 5th grade when it happend and how he felt.  And I had someone there who lost his brother that day.   He spoke very eloquently and the students asked a lot of (again) thoughtful questions. 

All the adults told me that they thought it was just the right tone and pitch...and later kids told me they liked it.  I know it is weird to describe something like that as 'like'  but that was their feeling.

just sharing path. 

[ACsMom]

Originally Posted by Tracy 

Funny I would find this post.

I produced the 911 Rememberance day for my son's school on Friday. 

We had it only for the upper grades, 4, 5 & 6.  I built a powerpoint for the teachers and did not use graphic photos. It was accurate to what happened...but  NOT sensationalized. 

The teachers discussed it in their classrooms and they said there were some very thoughtful discussions.  Some kids knew more than others (of course) before Friday.

Then they came to my presentation in the auditorium.  I had guest speakers (mostly parents) speak about what that day was like for them.   And I made sure one of the parents who was pregnant on 9/11 and due that week with our current 4th grader tell her experience.    I had the teachers speak about that day for them.  I had a former student who is now 20 talk about being in the 5th grade when it happend and how he felt.  And I had someone there who lost his brother that day.   He spoke very eloquently and the students asked a lot of (again) thoughtful questions. 

All the adults told me that they thought it was just the right tone and pitch...and later kids told me they liked it.  I know it is weird to describe something like that as 'like'  but that was their feeling.

just sharing path. 

That sounds beautiful.  :)

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by ACsMom 

Well, so far she has heard from us that the Fourth of July is a celebration of our country's independence, that Presidents' Day honors the people who have led said country, that MLK was a great man who stood up for freedom and compassion toward all people, and she doesn't know what Memorial Day or Labor Day are because she's too young to get it.  What do you tell YOUR very young children about these things?

When I posted that sentence you quoted, I was responding to some unreasonable criticism from another poster, who questioned my so-called "assumption" that my daughter wouldn't learn about 9/11 in History class.  I was pointing out that History class is not where she would be hearing about it for the first time, given that, as I said, American History starts in 5th grade. 

When my children were very young, I told them much the same. When they were a little older, and came home from school on 9-11 (bear in mind that we live in the tri-state area, and know many people involved in the WTC attack), I explained the situation in age-appropriate terms. They were in 1st & 3rd at that point. As upsetting as the situation was locally, the kids weren't traumatized based on my explanation.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by ACsMom 

Well, so far she has heard from us that the Fourth of July is a celebration of our country's independence, that Presidents' Day honors the people who have led said country, that MLK was a great man who stood up for freedom and compassion toward all people, and she doesn't know what Memorial Day or Labor Day are because she's too young to get it.  What do you tell YOUR very young children about these things?

This is about what Milo knows, too, and he's going to be 8 tomorrow.  I think I have told him something more about Memorial Day, but not much.  And how many of us really know what the deal with Labor Day is anyway?  

He knows quite a bit more than that about 9/11, but even so, I would have felt a little worried about sending him to an assembly like that.  We have talked about it on several occasions because he LOVES listening to NPR and it comes up quite often in one way or another.  He has also asked why we get searched on the way into the airport.  And I feel like it's important to be very careful about how I present it because I don't want him to grow up feeling like something tragic and catastrophic might happen at any moment.  I would hate for him to learn about it for the first time, or even be presented with stories or facts about it that we hadn't already discussed, as a five year old sitting in a sea of other five year olds rather than as part of a one-on-one conversation with someone who cared greatly about his emotional well-being.  I do understand that it's quite possible that other children will talk about it around him at some point and I can only hope he's well prepared for it.  He was not prepared at four when his best friend told him that sometimes people steal children and kill them.  So, I know that I cannot protect against everything, but just do my best.  

At Milo's school, btw, the teachers/staff never say anything at all about 9/11.  They are a little more into patriotic displays than I'd like, but they do see that 9/11 is one of those things that parents should be allowed to address in their own time and way.  

On NPR the other day we heard an interview of a woman who was in one of the towers when it was hit.  She was asked what she has told her son about it and she said, like it was the most natural thing in the world, "well, he's only seven, so he doesn't know anything about what happened on 9/11 yet."  It really surprised me since Milo has known the basics of what happened for a good long time now.  But who's to say when the time is right for a particular family or child?  I certainly didn't feel like she was wrong not to have talked to him about it yet.

[Imakcerka]

Not sure why it even matters what we tell our kids and how we handle these situations.  Due to me being in the military most of my kids lives, they know what most of the holidays are.  However I've explained most of those things to them as I KNOW THEM.  Not as others want them to know them.  I can fairly say that my knowledge of 9/11 does not include any ounce of patriotism.  I'm still angry.  Very angry about it.  The nasty feeling of sitting in small room, waiting for the go does not leave me.  The members sitting next to me praying their husbands or wives didn't make it to work on time, still breaks my heart.  I'm not ready to forgive any of it.  I can't celebrate that day it makes me sick to my stomach.  The fact that they named it patriot day makes me sick.  It's we let our guard down and too many people died day to me.  And yes if you followed it all very closely from within in the walls, it was imminent and we didn't do our jobs. 

That's what I tell my kids.  Not the feel good cover it up BS.  People died because the people that were supposed to be doing more and not sitting around the drinking hole swapping stories of grandure, didn't do their job.   

The aftermath afterwards... YAY I get to sit next to a kid here at work without a leg!  Chain of events.  And you can bash me if you want over this.  I really don't care.  I've been told my beliefs say I'm not patriotic.  Right, I ride with DV plates and a disabled placard.  I won't fake patriotism over our own mistakes.

[serenbat]

I'm rather confused as to why others got so upset about this.

there is a vast difference between teaching (a unit/class-etc) and have a memorial type service

most kindies that I know do know what a memorial type event is and that doesn't mean they need to have an in-depth knowledge of all the events---

honoring does not need to mean that it is inappropriate for a child of this age to attend

seems to have been quite OK with the OP's child and not a horror

certain choice words (and phrases) do come across as offensive to some