Cold pregnant barefoot feet?

[Eternal_Howl]

I think it was last week when the realization of parenthood finally dawned on me and suddenly I found myself wanting to rewind a few months. Earlier in the year, I was ready to fast-forward a bit and discover the new frontier of motherhood.

Why suddenly, did I decide I needed to slam on the brakes? Cold feet? I was looking so forward to November and now I'm kind of swinging like a pendulum through indecion and can't decide whether baby should be here yesterday or next year. I think I've done the proverbial "Oh shoot!" when figuring out I haven't got everything figured out. I'm not worried about whether I'll be a good parent or not (unless we're cloning babies and producing manuals, there's no instruction guide for my baby). It's just that I seriously overlooked a few aspects of parenthood and I've usually got it fairly well together. EEK.

[Abraisme]

Your feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL!  It will all work out perfectly in the end. 

[jbk21]

I felt this way with #1 as well.  It was an unplanned pregnancy and I did well enough getting excited (and quelling my DH's fears) for the first few months, but once it got closer to the birth I thought "How did we get here?!  What are we doing!?  How can I fix this?!"  Really scary thoughts to have when you're about to have a baby, for sure.  I oscillated back and forth between excitement and fear for the last few months of my pregnancy.  Finally I was ready to meet my baby, and then he didn't want to come out (ten days post-date).  We were induced, and of course we immediately fell in love with our little man.  

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything will be sunshine and rainbows after the birth- it won't.  Parenting is hard, hard, hard work.  BUT it gets so much better.  It's a transition, just like anything else, and you'll find your groove and you'll totally master being a parent to you little one.  (In the meantime, that's what we're all here for!)

Sorry if that was a little too honest- but what you're feeling is totally normal.  I think having real expectations for after the birth is a good thing (as well as having a great community around you) to avoid PPD.  You're going to be a great mom, and it's all going to work out.  Some days you may wonder how you got here (pregnant or during the first few months of baby's life!) and other days you'll know this is exactly how it's supposed to be.  Hugs, mama!

[jasmin85]

I felt that way with my first, and I feel that way now!  I've been battling with a lot of fears about having two children, and now that my daughter is in kindergarten having to go back to baby stage!  I think one of my biggest concerns is that our daughter is at such a prime age where sleepovers are totally possible and it is super easy to find a sitter because it is just one child....finding a willing sitter (family/friend) to want to watch a 5 or 6 year old and a baby seems a lot more difficult!  Just wondering to myself when we'll get date nights and when will I be able to have any "me" time again?! 

Also, DD has always had a hard time wanting to go to sleep and was very colicky so we are both a little afraid of the severity of our sleep-deprivation from last time...I know, they say the second one is always different, but still, just crossing our fingers for a sunny disposition and sleep-filled nights!  I know that there are many wonderful things about having a little baby that I am looking forward to, but you know, all we can do right now is speculate, "plan" and worry or be excited!  So, totally normal, and it will all fall into place when the sweet little ones get here, I'm sure.

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

Your feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL!  It will all work out perfectly in the end. 

No pun intended!

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

I felt this way with #1 as well.  It was an unplanned pregnancy and I did well enough getting excited (and quelling my DH's fears) for the first few months, but once it got closer to the birth I thought "How did we get here?!  What are we doing!?  How can I fix this?!"  Really scary thoughts to have when you're about to have a baby, for sure.  I oscillated back and forth between excitement and fear for the last few months of my pregnancy.  Finally I was ready to meet my baby, and then he didn't want to come out (ten days post-date).  We were induced, and of course we immediately fell in love with our little man.  

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything will be sunshine and rainbows after the birth- it won't.  Parenting is hard, hard, hard work.  BUT it gets so much better.  It's a transition, just like anything else, and you'll find your groove and you'll totally master being a parent to you little one.  (In the meantime, that's what we're all here for!)

Sorry if that was a little too honest- but what you're feeling is totally normal.  I think having real expectations for after the birth is a good thing (as well as having a great community around you) to avoid PPD.  You're going to be a great mom, and it's all going to work out.  Some days you may wonder how you got here (pregnant or during the first few months of baby's life!) and other days you'll know this is exactly how it's supposed to be.  Hugs, mama!

I definitely thought about the community aspect after birth because of that exact thing (PPD). We hear about it, but many don't realize it can happen to them.

Thanks for the encouragement. It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster, for sure. I think it's only been in the past week that I've become more emotional. But I did leave my husband, whom I love very much, 9000 miles away in another country (long story but the arrangement sucks), so I think I'm a little bit entitled.

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by jasmin85 

I felt that way with my first, and I feel that way now!  I've been battling with a lot of fears about having two children, and now that my daughter is in kindergarten having to go back to baby stage!  I think one of my biggest concerns is that our daughter is at such a prime age where sleepovers are totally possible and it is super easy to find a sitter because it is just one child....finding a willing sitter (family/friend) to want to watch a 5 or 6 year old and a baby seems a lot more difficult!  Just wondering to myself when we'll get date nights and when will I be able to have any "me" time again?! 

Also, DD has always had a hard time wanting to go to sleep and was very colicky so we are both a little afraid of the severity of our sleep-deprivation from last time...I know, they say the second one is always different, but still, just crossing our fingers for a sunny disposition and sleep-filled nights!  I know that there are many wonderful things about having a little baby that I am looking forward to, but you know, all we can do right now is speculate, "plan" and worry or be excited!  So, totally normal, and it will all fall into place when the sweet little ones get here, I'm sure.

Jasmin, I haven't even really given much thought to the sleep deprivation. I know I should, since it's a HUGE part of new parenting life. Perhaps I've blocked it out? I'm sure you will be fine. You've come this far with your first child. I"m sure it may seem like going back to the beginning with your second, but you may find it easier and some things become second nature. Some children sleep better than others, I'm told.

[Jaimee]

I agree that it is totally normal and valid to be having these feelings as the birth gets closer.  I have always found that as I cross the 30 week mark that my mind suddenly switches focus from pregnancy to birth.  And along with that can come the parenting fears. 

To the OP, I get it completely.  I had been so focused on getting pregnant and reading everything I could about pregnancy and then about birth, I didn't think much about what it was going to mean to be a parent.  There is certainly a lot to know and a lot you can do to prepare, but at the same time there is so much you cannot predict or truly understand until you're there, doing it.  So honestly the best thing you can do for yourself prior to the birth is find a support network.  Go to some LLL and/or API meetings and look up the parenting Yahoo/Google/Meetup groups in your area.  Start getting to know the local parenting community so that you can call people when you need live, in person support.  So many of the difficulties that face first time moms stem from the fact that there is so little support in our culture.  Dealing with anything from breastfeeding issues to sleep deprivation is so much easier when you can vent to moms who have been there and done that and probably  have some helpful advice as well.

To Jasmin and Jacquelyn, the fears can seem even bigger for second time moms b/c you already know some of what you're in for and that can feel worse sometimes than not knowing.  But I have to say that from my experience, the second time around really is easier.  Yes your work load may double... the cleaning up, the feeding, the laundry, etc.  But some things are actually EASIER with two kids!  They start to entertain each other!  Plus, all your experience from your first will serve you well with your second.  Diapering, babywearing, breastfeeding, etc. are old hat.  You'll be a lot calmer and stress less about challenges.  I found it much easier to achieve a "go with the flow" attitude the second time around when it came to the sleep deprivation.  Second kids have to be more mellow than first kids b/c they will be carted around places, put down more often, and sometimes handled roughly by siblings.  They learn to deal b/c they have to.  And a mellower second time mom helps mellow out baby, too.  And while you may grieve your relationship with your first child, as it will never be the same again, you will find that you quickly form a new relationship and the sibling bond is truly amazing to witness.  A sibling is truly a great gift to give to your child.

So take heart mamas!  It will all work out and when times are rough, and they will be rough sometimes, find support and be gentle with yourselves.

[jbk21]

I'm worried about sleep, too.  That was the hardest part of the first two years with DS in my opinion.  He didn't STTN until he was 22 months (after I weaned).  OMG, it's so hard to get up 3-6 times a night.  Especially when they are teething and there's nothing you can do, or when they are just going through a phase.  BUT I have perspective now; it's just a season and now that DS sleeps like a champ it's so much easier to parent well (more patience, etc.)  So I am anxious about starting all over but I know we'll get through it and it will just be a temporary (although perhaps years-long) thing.  

I blocked it out with #1 as well.  I was like "Oh I am a terrible sleeper anyway, I'll be fine."  Ha.  Oh man, I was so naive.    I think a huge tip for that part of it would be to make a game plan with DH or DP beforehand.  Like, you're going to sleep in shifts or something.  This time I am going to try to sleep early- like 9-12, while DH gets up with baby.  Then he'll sleep (since he works) and I'll sleep on and off all night with the babe.  DS1 wakes up fairly early, so mornings might be rough, but we're trying to preserve his 3-hr nap as long as possible :)

Originally Posted by Eternal_Howl 

Jasmin, I haven't even really given much thought to the sleep deprivation. I know I should, since it's a HUGE part of new parenting life. Perhaps I've blocked it out? I'm sure you will be fine. You've come this far with your first child. I"m sure it may seem like going back to the beginning with your second, but you may find it easier and some things become second nature. Some children sleep better than others, I'm told.

[Eternal_Howl]

Hi Jamie,

Thanks for the advice. Hey, I have a question: What's an LLL?

My mother is ready and willing to be as supportive as possible because she said her mother was too sick when she was younger to be able to be much help, but she tried. She knows it's important. My father's pretty cool too. I've just flown half way across the world and it appears that where I've gone to (kind of a backwater), their next prenatal class starts just before I'm due. So I've done a lot of reading and that's about all I can do. I like reading though.

It takes a village to raise a child (at least I think so).

[Eternal_Howl]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

I'm worried about sleep, too.  That was the hardest part of the first two years with DS in my opinion.  He didn't STTN until he was 22 months (after I weaned).  OMG, it's so hard to get up 3-6 times a night.  Especially when they are teething and there's nothing you can do, or when they are just going through a phase.  BUT I have perspective now; it's just a season and now that DS sleeps like a champ it's so much easier to parent well (more patience, etc.)  So I am anxious about starting all over but I know we'll get through it and it will just be a temporary (although perhaps years-long) thing.  

I blocked it out with #1 as well.  I was like "Oh I am a terrible sleeper anyway, I'll be fine."  Ha.  Oh man, I was so naive.    I think a huge tip for that part of it would be to make a game plan with DH or DP beforehand.  Like, you're going to sleep in shifts or something.  This time I am going to try to sleep early- like 9-12, while DH gets up with baby.  Then he'll sleep (since he works) and I'll sleep on and off all night with the babe.  DS1 wakes up fairly early, so mornings might be rough, but we're trying to preserve his 3-hr nap as long as possible :)

Three to six times a night? I'm pretty sure that wasn't in this mum-to-be's contract! Was that hidden in the fine print? A plan would be a good idea. If only DH was here, but it's a long story (yes we're still together). Hopefully soon. I told him he may get to miss out on all the tedious stuff yet.

[Jaimee]

It was every 90 minutes for my dd for over a year.  Yep, every 90 minutes from 8pm until 7am.  That's a lot of times.  But not every baby is the same... at all. 

LLL: La Leche League... it's an international group for supporting and promoting breastfeeding.  They have local groups that hold meetings, which is a great way not only to be exposed to breastfeeding, get answers to your questions, get support, and meet like-minded mothers (it's women only).  Check out their site to find a group near you- they welcome pregnant women: http://www.lllusa.org/groups.php

[jbk21]

OMG Jaimee.  We had nights of every 90 or every 45, but not for a year!  I don't know how you survived, honestly.  

My DS was very sporadic.  Some nights he'd wake once (rare), most nights 2-3 times, and the bad nights were 4-6 (or more?) times.  Just sleep when you can!  Seriously!  And even if baby is a good sleeper to start, developmental phases and teething, etc will rock that.  So still, SLEEP when you can!  The first few weeks are pretty crazy though- newborns are usually all out of whack with day/night order, so I'm not looking forward to that... I've also known a baby or two who've just slept all. the. time.  Hoping for one of those this time! 

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

It was every 90 minutes for my dd for over a year.  Yep, every 90 minutes from 8pm until 7am.  That's a lot of times.  But not every baby is the same... at all. 

LLL: La Leche League... it's an international group for supporting and promoting breastfeeding.  They have local groups that hold meetings, which is a great way not only to be exposed to breastfeeding, get answers to your questions, get support, and meet like-minded mothers (it's women only).  Check out their site to find a group near you- they welcome pregnant women: http://www.lllusa.org/groups.php

[Abraisme]

Yup, I would say that 3-6 times a night is the norm for a baby.  Both of my kids woke up that much and most of my friends have babies that wake up often.  At least half of my friends have babies that don't sleep well in general.    Luckily, while my babies did wake up, they would go right back to sleep.  Basically I would just wake up enough to pop a boob in and then doze back to sleep.  I rarely felt sleep deprived or like I couldn't function.  It's impossible to say what your baby is going to be like, maybe you'll get lucky!  :)

Oh, and my dh does a lot to help, but he's never helped much at night.  He will help change diaper in the beginning (when a newborn poops all night), but that's about it.  There really isn't anything he can do in the middle of the night when the baby is hungry.  Also, since he has to go to work, he needs the sleep more than I do. 
 

Originally Posted by Eternal_Howl 

Three to six times a night? I'm pretty sure that wasn't in this mum-to-be's contract! Was that hidden in the fine print? A plan would be a good idea. If only DH was here, but it's a long story (yes we're still together). Hopefully soon. I told him he may get to miss out on all the tedious stuff yet.

[jbk21]

Yup!  My DH too... I'd have him on diaper duty at the beginning, but then it seemed pointless to wake him up when I was already awake and could take care of it most of the time.... Plus he was working too!   I'm hoping we can find some sort of arrangement, though, like shifts.  We tried a few things with DS1 but we started too late- by that time (a few months old) he didn't want to take a bottle at night.  Maybe if we start trying an expressed bottle when younger during DH's "shift" it will go over better.  But then I'll have engorged boobs... ugh, there's really no easy solution. (Anyone have any advice?)  I could never sleep while nursing, so I did feel sleep-deprived... for 2 years.  I am more worried about it this time because I'll have a toddler to care for, too.  I can't just nap all day :-(  I think at least one 3-4 hour chunk of sleep will help... if I can figure out how to get it!

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

Oh, and my dh does a lot to help, but he's never helped much at night.  He will help change diaper in the beginning (when a newborn poops all night), but that's about it.  There really isn't anything he can do in the middle of the night when the baby is hungry.  Also, since he has to go to work, he needs the sleep more than I do. 
 

[jasmin85]

Yes!  3-6 times a night...my daughter was colicky and while my husband couldn't do much for her when she woke up to nurse, he was great on all of those sleep deprived nights where she would cry for an hour at a time.  He'd rock her, bounce her, and pat her back until she went back to sleep!  Plus, it was summer time, so it was HOT and uncomfortable in bed anyways.  She was always a night owl, when she got a little older I remember her sleep schedule was something like 1AM until noon!  Gah!  And, she cut out naps EARLY, say around 1 1/2 - 2 years old.  She would still fall asleep in the car, but wouldn't just sleep for no reason.  She'd nurse and take a rest but as soon as she was about to fall asleep she would perk herself up!  She also didn't sleep through the night until probably close to 4 years old, and I nursed her to sleep until she was almost 3 (out of ease and laziness) but then it was nights filled with singing songs and telling stories.  I slept in her room from age 3-4 because I just kept falling asleep trying to put her to sleep!  Now, she sleeps through the night and generally gets a good 11-12 hours of sleep.  However, we go through phases of being awesome at going to bed, and weeks of arguing, question asking, deterrents...

Sorry for the dump, I don't want to freak anyone out!  This was just my experience, so basically I didn't get full night's sleep until she was 3 years old, and then she still stayed up late.  She still uses up the entirety of our nighttime, which would otherwise be time for me and DH to spend together.  It's hard, but I'm sure school will help her go to bed a little earlier.

Hopefully our DD covered all of our night-time woes and this guy will be awesome about going to sleep!  My daughter is a Gemini, to a T, and very much likes to be a part of everything and has energy to spare!  Scorpios are much more laid back and tend to go with the flow in a more mellow sort of way.  =)   We're also not planning on co-sleeping as long, I think that sometimes part of the issue is that we would respond to every little noise she made, and perhaps if he is in the next room or even just in a separate sleeping area in our room that we won't be so quick on the draw.

Fortunately, as jbk said, this is just a phase and they will have periods where they are great sleepers, and times when they aren't sleeping so well, and we'll get through it!  Some babies, even first ones, sleep VERY well.  And, there's always coffee!   

Honestly, I don't think it was just the waking up part that bothered me, it was waking up to CRYING.  I wanted to rip my hair out, and the last thing I wanted to do was feel something attached to my NIPPLE when I am feeling all stressed and tired.  THAT is one of my biggest fears -- the insanity I felt from constantly being woken up in a REM cycle (with the fight or flight instinct kicked in) and having to nurse.  I didn't mind during the day, it was at night that it would just drive me batty!  I'm not sure what I can do about that...

[Jaimee]

I personally found that my dh was a lot less willing to help out with #2 than he was with #1. I think a lot of different things went into this... #2 is less exciting, the newness of parenthood has long worn off, feeling more attached to our first child than to the baby, and just generally standing more firm in what he felt was his responsibility and what was mine.  Instead of divvying up the baby-oriented tasks or taking shifts, we moved toward being more sphere-oriented.  He had his area and I had mine.  So while he rarely changed the baby's diapers, never did laundry, seldom cleaned, and hardly ever helped at night he did go grocery shopping, cook most dinners, stay on top of the bills, take out the trash, and of course, go to work.  We never really discussed this new dynamic, it just sort of happened.  At first, I was definitely resentful.  There was a lot less patience the second time around and we were much quicker to argue and damage our relationship.  Assuming that dh would help out with the baby just led to resentment... things wouldn't get done and I would get upset.  I found that I stayed the most sane by simply doing things.  Just doing what needed to be done and going with the flow a lot more. 

Things started to even out a bit over time as ds got older and more independent.  Now dh baths both kids and gets dd to bed on his own.  He also sometimes gets ds to bed now that he has weaned.  Obviously we have family/fun time where we're all together, especially on weekends and we can rely on each other to take over the others' duties as necessary.  But for the most part, #2 was my responsibility and I don't expect #3 to be any different.  I hope that going into this realizing how things will be, will help me to be even more calm earlier in the process.  I know a few mothers of three or more children and they always seem to exude this easy, flexible, and on top of things quality.  I hope that's part of the package! 

[TalkToMeNow]

Jaimee, I'm going into this thinking the baby will be my responsibility as well. But that's mostly because dp will still be working out of town. But with dd1 and dd2, I was able sleep while nursing. I don't remember being up too much... Especially after I discovered how to nurse on both sides without turning over. I think some babies will let you sleep pretty well. 

[birdhappy85]

I've been impatient as can be throughout my pregnancy to get to November already and meet my baby. I definitely think that being a first time mom is the reason I'm going into parenthood without many worries, lol. I don't know the half of how my life will change, even though people obviously warn me all the time of the sleep deprivation and responsibility I'll be facing. I'm looking forward to the feedings, diapering, snuggling, milestones, all of it --- well, except of course sleep deprivation. I don't think anyone looks forward to that. LOL

But I do have one disclaimer to my naïveté. I am extremely nervous and panicky about finances and figuring out how to balance work, homemaking, and motherhood. I've always had a really hard time multitasking... It gets so overwhelming to not be able to switch gears as easily as the next person. I don't know if it's just a focus issue or anxiety in general, but I'm looking into getting help for some of it so I can learn to manage things better. I'm just really scared of not being able to exclusively breastfeed and cloth diaper my little girl because of my difficulties balancing work and personal life. My mom is gifting me a really good breast pump at my baby shower, so I'll have the supplies to do it. But being able to switch gears at work regularly to pump, and then coming home from work to switch to mommyhood when I switch off with my husband so he can go to sleep (we work opposite shifts) doesn't even sound possible. I think I'll break down right away. I'll have to consider getting a different job that provides me with a schedule I can manage, if things don't work out with me at this current job...

On the flipside, though, I'm really hoping that having the love and joy of a child in my life will put me in a different mindset where maybe things will actually get better where my nerves are concerned. I am an extremely nurturing person and I haven't had much to nurture besides my husband and cats for the past several years. I am happiest when I'm nurturing, and I think that being able to dote on my little girl soon will be so great, I probably won't have as much time to worry about other stuff!

[jasmin85]

Thanks for the previous words of encouragement, and even for this point of view below.  I've definitely been figuring that this baby will be pretty much all my responsibility, and somehow I was kind of figuring that being it is a boy, too.  My DH and DD have a very strong bond and even though I stayed home, breastfed and changed most of the diapers, I feel that he was able to be more present for her and have more quality time, bonding, positive relations, and he was very able and willing during her colicky stage and has much more patience for her whining, etc.  I'm hoping that I will feel that way about DS, and even though it will make me more responsible for duties, I already was with DD, but again, I am hoping that I keep a positive outlook and can just accept my role.  Even taking our DD to school and the morning routine has been switched to my DH so I feel that the shift is even more real---he takes care of her needs while I meet the new baby's.  And, it's not that I think he won't bond or care about baby, because I know he will, but I'm sure he will have a very different relationship with him.

I'm hoping to meet these new challenges and pleasures in stride and dedication.  I had a very difficult time transitioning into motherhood, DD was unplanned and wonderful, but I also had many resentments of my role as a stay at home mom (which I also hadn't planned) and my DH's workaholic tendencies, combined with what was likely postpartum depression...not fun.  I'm feeling much more positive this time around and I am glad for where our marriage/relationship has progressed, and I'm certain that my DD is in just the right place for this transition.  I think our 5 year age gap is going to be just right for our family, even though it will certainly have challenges, there always are.  ;)
 

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I personally found that my dh was a lot less willing to help out with #2 than he was with #1. I think a lot of different things went into this... #2 is less exciting, the newness of parenthood has long worn off, feeling more attached to our first child than to the baby, and just generally standing more firm in what he felt was his responsibility and what was mine.  Instead of divvying up the baby-oriented tasks or taking shifts, we moved toward being more sphere-oriented.  He had his area and I had mine.  So while he rarely changed the baby's diapers, never did laundry, seldom cleaned, and hardly ever helped at night he did go grocery shopping, cook most dinners, stay on top of the bills, take out the trash, and of course, go to work.  We never really discussed this new dynamic, it just sort of happened.  At first, I was definitely resentful.  There was a lot less patience the second time around and we were much quicker to argue and damage our relationship.  Assuming that dh would help out with the baby just led to resentment... things wouldn't get done and I would get upset.  I found that I stayed the most sane by simply doing things.  Just doing what needed to be done and going with the flow a lot more. 

Things started to even out a bit over time as ds got older and more independent.  Now dh baths both kids and gets dd to bed on his own.  He also sometimes gets ds to bed now that he has weaned.  Obviously we have family/fun time where we're all together, especially on weekends and we can rely on each other to take over the others' duties as necessary.  But for the most part, #2 was my responsibility and I don't expect #3 to be any different.  I hope that going into this realizing how things will be, will help me to be even more calm earlier in the process.  I know a few mothers of three or more children and they always seem to exude this easy, flexible, and on top of things quality.  I hope that's part of the package!