oh dating the joy

[Mom31]

I went on a date with a fabulous man on Monday. We talked Tuesday night a little an he said he wanted to see me again. He seems very interested.

What is the appropriate time to contact him? is it needy or not nice to just send a text that says hope you are having a good day?

I don't want to mess this up by coming on to strong.

[worthy]

No advice but I'm looking forward to learning this as well.  I tend to be way too intense too soon and I need to learn not to do that - but I don't want to seem uninterested or cold or rude, either.  Hard to know.

So far I have just followed my gut instinct:  I think if I would reach out for a non-date friend to show appreciation and interest, then it's not coming on too strong with a date.

[Oh the Irony]

I would wait for him to contact you again. Let him take the lead for the first couple of dates. I want to see that he is interested enough to put some thought and effort into me. You can tell a lot about a guy by his contact. Does he establish regular contact? Is it overwhelming--like multiple emails and texts every day after one date? Does he wait a week? Does he plan something interesting? Or does he call you up the day  before and want to hang out? These things all give you some clues. 

If you take the lead and contact him now you set a pattern and show him that he doesn't have to do the work or plan. 

Again, this is just for the first 2-4 dates. After that, you should feel comfy enough to contact him whenever--even if you aren't exclusive.

I also suggest taking things slow. If there is a connection, there is a tendency to have high contact. Lots of emails, texts, and calls in the beginning can create what I see as artificial intimacy and lead to high expectations before you know them. You don't have to call. email or text back right away--savor it. Take some time and have a bit of mystery. Being too available isn't attractive--it can come off as needy. 

I have asked men out before and actually asked my ex to marry me. So this isn't about being hung up on gender roles. I've found that I enjoy being pursued a bit instead of pursuing. It's really a nice feeling to know a guy is "into you". 

Also, search "red flags for dating" just so you are familiar with some of the big ones. 

[ZoeyZoo]

I may be a bit old fashioned here but I am a big believer of making the guy take the lead at the beginning of the relationship. It will tell you a ton about his intentions towards you and give you clues into his personality.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by worthy 

So far I have just followed my gut instinct:  I think if I would reach out for a non-date friend to show appreciation and interest, then it's not coming on too strong with a date.

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony 

I also suggest taking things slow. If there is a connection, there is a tendency to have high contact. Lots of emails, texts, and calls in the beginning can create what I see as artificial intimacy and lead to high expectations before you know them. You don't have to call. email or text back right away--savor it.

I agree with both of these wholeheartedly. Don't rush. Don't make yourself more available than you really are. Get to know him before you fall for him. It's a good idea to let several days lapse between conversations with someone that you've just met. Establish healthy boundaries and stick to them, but don't play games either.

However, I think that we should get away from the mindset that men should do the pursuing. I'm not a trophy to be won. I'm an equal partner in the relationship, whether it's moving toward a serious one or will stay casual. Because of this, I prefer to alternate who initiates contact in the beginning stages. If I like a guy, I will go ahead and text or email - even ask him out again - without waiting around for him to do it first. But, I will let him make the first move the next time. If I get ambivalent or unenthusiastic responses, then I back way off, not only to try to determine his level of interest, but also to respect his boundaries. I will admit that it's a great ego boost to allow myself to be pursued by someone, but I find that it's not a good way to start a relationship. I like things to be balanced right from the start.

So?? What happened? Did you contact him? Did he beat you to it?

[Mom31]

I went ahead and sent him a text. We were in a car accident on our date so I just asked him how he was feeling and he text back right away.!!

He then text me another time. We tried to make our schedules work for a date this weekend but it did not work out.  He is happy I am planning to quit my job as then hopefully we will have more time- his words not mine.

I think he wants to take things slow and my schedule only allows slow. I would like to have a nice phone convo with him soon but will let him call me.

:)

[mimim]

A win! I'm excited for you!

[Mom31]

He called last night while I was at work I am planning on returning his phone call this morning after I get up and moving around a little more. :)

[Mom31]

I called back but no answer I know he was working today. It's kind of nice to take it slow and have all that anticipation!