A little situation

[Imakcerka]

Alright, I had to email my kids teacher today instead of going into talk to her about an issue DD1 is having with the boy that sits next to her. I was given strict orders by DD1 that she didn't want a big deal made out of it. And usually I follow through with her requests hoping things will resolve themselves. However last year when I did this, it didn't work out and the situation got worse.

So here it is, the teacher has the kids in pods and every day a different kid monitors the others and puts check marks down by their name for extensive talking or messing around. The system actually works quite well and the kids are generally respectful of each other. Last night DD1 told us that the boy next to her bribes her when he's the monitor. If he wants something she has he will give her numerous check marks by her name and tell her he'll remove them if she gives him something she has. DD1 is really upset about it. He also poked her numerous times with his pencil or finger to get a response out of her and then would put a check next to her name if she made a sound.

Now, DD1 refuses to tell on him she hates to do it. No matter how much I try to convince her that it's the right thing to do as he'll just continue and do it to the next kid he sits by.

So I explained this to the teacher and begged her not to make a big deal out of it but rather watch for it or maybe address the issue without out finger pointing. I don't want DD1 to not trust me but I really don't know if I can sit back and let this happen, as last year it just got ugly between her and another kid. They know she won't tell and they will continue to mess with her. And it's always a boy that does this. Just not a good message in my opinion.

Seriously moms what would you have done? Should I have just let it go, stomped my happy butt in there and talked to the teacher even though DD1 would be really upset with me or was it ok for me to email her with the details of the problem?

[Mom31]

I would have done exactly what you did. It's important the teacher knows this and important that your daughter is not being harassed at school.  Which is what is happening.

You as her mother have to responsibility to protect her.  At the end of the day you have to do what is best for your child and sometimes you know better than her what that is.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

So I explained this to the teacher and begged her not to make a big deal out of it but rather watch for it or maybe address the issue without out finger pointing. I don't want DD1 to not trust me but I really don't know if I can sit back and let this happen, as last year it just got ugly between her and another kid. They know she won't tell and they will continue to mess with her. And it's always a boy that does this. Just not a good message in my opinion.

Seriously moms what would you have done? Should I have just let it go, stomped my happy butt in there and talked to the teacher even though DD1 would be really upset with me or was it ok for me to email her with the details of the problem?

I haven't had a problem with teachers making a big deal out of things like this and I definitely would address it--it is a bullying issue.

I don't see it as a trust issue unless you promised not to say anything. I do tell ds when/why I have to give information to someone else even though he may not want me to.
 

[Imakcerka]

Emmeline, she's really secretive. She won't tell me anything if she thinks I won't keep it to myself. She's a lot like my little sister and my mom did not tread lightly, it caused a lot of problems. I did tell her that I wanted to talk to her teacher and for some reason she thinks I'm going to go all commando and embarrass her. I want to help her I just don't want to break her trust.

[claras_mom]

OP, I think you did just the right thing. You alerted the teacher to a potentially serious problem, in a way that honored your daughter's need for it not to be laid on her.

And I really, really agree with finding a way of teaching her that it's not OK at all to let boys harass her. She has to be able to stand up for herself.

[Shantimama]

I have found that when I tell a teacher about an issue and that part of the issue is my child's concern or fear about being found out for "telling," the teachers are really good about addressing the problem behaviour without exposing my child. 

[Dandelionkid]

My mom did the exact same thing to me in grade 10 over another issue. Sorry to say I really wish she would have dealt with it differently. I understand that she was upset for me- I was crying everyday about it. The thing is, the teacher was very covert in trying to help me but I saw through it right away and knew my mom had talked to the teacher.

What I wish she would have done is talked to me about the issue and brainstormed with me ways to fix the problem. It might not have changed things over night but I would have learned that I was capable of fighting my own battles. 

[meemee]

this is your 9 year old right?

seriously i dont know what i would have done in your case. it would really depend on how the teacher handles it. 

having said that last year dd was being teased. and she specifically told me v. clearly i was not to step in. this is a child who is not secretive but she absolutely didnt want me to be involved. i told her i would do as she wishes as long as the issue was taken care of. well the teacher did handle it well and it was taken care of. so i didnt have to take further action.

in your case perhaps what i would have done is kept talking to your dd helping her see that this is serious stuff that needs to be taken care of - and not swept off the carpet. 

on the other hand who knows I. today ur dd might be mad at u for doing it. 10 years down the line she might thank you.

but no. some action was needed. not ignored. perhaps instead of the trust issue if you show her that some action was needed to help the boy she might understand and relate better. that how by not doing anything you are letting bad behavoiur get away to keep on getting worse. sometimes the best thing to do is get caught the first time as a theif rather than later on when you become too overconfident and make mistakes. not saying the boy is a bank robber...

[Imakcerka]

Good news, DD came home yesterday and told me that in the morning after reading, her teacher moved the boy to the other side of the pod.  She informed the students that if they are found to be dishonest as the monitor they will no longer be allowed to do so and would get an automatic loss of recess for a day.  The boy in question, stayed back during recess and DD1 wasn't sure what happened but when she came back her entire pod had all their stuff returned to their desks.  DD said the teacher never said anything to her and wanted to know if I did something.   I was very nervous and told her the truth.  I let her know that I can't sit back and watch her suffer and even if she thinks I was sneaky, which I was, I did it because I care about her.  I got a hug and a thank you.  And an okay to handle things through email, since her teacher never said one word to her about it at all.  So now in her little mind she can still trust me and she's happy that she can trust her teacher. 

I checked my email after she was asleep and her teacher told me that she had been wondering about DD's pod since it seemed a little off when the monitoring paperwork came in.  She noticed rows of checks being erased and also was concerned about DD's demeanor.  And I confirmed her suspicions.  I was told from the beginning she was an excellent teacher.  I'm very thankful everything worked out.  Even if DD had been upset with me after I told her the truth, bullying and harrassment are not things I will tolerate.

I'm very happy about how this turned out!   Thank you all for your words of encouragement!

[Shantimama]

That is great!