Need Some Ideas to Help DD's Clinginess

[ZoeyZoo]

DD is 3 and XH and I both have 50/50 custody. Originally dd had been trading off between us everyday so she saw us both everyday. We felt the switching of beds, routine, etc. was better for her than not seeing the other parent frequently.

A few months ago we started changing the schedule to EOW when before we were splitting the weekend. Initially she was fine but the last few weeks DD has been very clingy with the parent she is leaving on the weekend exchanges (all the others are done between school). This is when DD spends 2-3 days in a row with the same parent. DD had mentioned missing seeing her parents at the same time.

XH wants to alter the schedule so that DD is with one parent M/T/F/S/Sun the other W/TH. Then we would switch.At a minimum I would propose back M/T/S/S and W/TH/F so that it's more even. He thinks the consistency will help DD. Me I'm not so sure.

I was hoping to get feedback from the mamas here on two things:

1. Ideas on what may be sparking her clinginess and changes we can make to help her. Should it be through the schedule? Start calls with the other parent? Etc.

2. Feedback on an alternating schedule. Up until now I knew certain days of the week I could block off for a hobby, class, work, etc. I have concerns about being to keep this straight and being able to commit to things without looking at a calendar.

[mami2f3]

Yeah, that seems like a really hard schedule to keep. Especially if she gets involved in activities. 

I think this age is really clingy. I'm not sure it's specific to the change. I wish I could suggest how to alleviate that. Unfortunately, I think I am biased. I am not in favor of 50/50 based solely on my own experience of having divorced parents. I haven't looked at any research or anything, so I freely admit it's biased. What was hardest for me, always, was getting adjusted to the new (you know what i mean) environment. There are always differences in expectations, behaviors, relationship patterns etc in different households and I found that it took me a while to adjust, so I always cringe at the idea of 50/50 and constant switching...  that said, maybe just echoing back to her what she's maybe feeling? 'you had so much fun with dad! dad loves you so much!' and then transition to the fun? "the first thing we're going to do is...' 

i don't know. I am not being helpful maybe but hopefully others will weigh in...

[ZoeyZoo]

Thanks for the help mami!

I think as she gets older we will go with longer and longer schedules with one parent but she is only 3 right now. I don't know many people with such young children and the ones I do know the dad walked away when the children were babies. I've tried talking with her but she just tells me about how she wants to see us both which isn't possible right now. I'm open to being more involved with each others parenting for larger issues in time and we have that in the parenting but it's not appropriate right now.

Has anyone done a schedule where you don't have the same days of the week? Did it make it more difficult to have to consult the schedule to make plans, take classes, do activities, and things like that?

[tccandlsccmom]

I am not all that helpful in terms of direct experience, as my ex lives out of state and has only visits.  However, I have a good friend who did 50-50-ish, and found it easier to have a schedule that had the same days of the week but switching weekends, M/T/Wed morning Parent A, Wed afternoon/Th/Fri Parent B then switching weekends.  To ease the time away when the weekend flowed into the week, Parent A got dinner Friday if it was Parent B's weekend, or Parent B got Sunday it it was Parent A's weekends, if it worked ...

As for the clingyness, my 6 and 9 year olds get clingy around transition times, so perhaps it is just part of being a kid in this situation?  It is heartbreaking, though...