I say new husband...we have been married 4 years, so not too new. :)
DH1 and I married young, had DD1, married 5 years and divorced without much event. We were both students with little income or assets to split. We agreed I would have DD full time and he had every other weekend and a night a week. But we moved into the same apartment complex at the time, so she ran back and forth, his work and school schedule allowed him to be child care for her so I could work some without her being in daycare, etc. We did not get attorneys when we got divorced as we just each took a car, a couch, a tv, a bed, did the child support form at the courthouse saying he would pay $280/month and we agreed and that was it.
Time went on, he went back to school after a layoff and therefore could not help with DDs childcare. I got a great job and worked up to making $60k a year, while he was a student again making $35k. So while I kind of knew I could get more, I let it go. Note, I hated my job, would have loved to go back to school myself, but was being a mom while he did his thing to get ahead and get a job he loved.
I remarried a great guy. He remarried a great gal. My current husband is a realtor and sold them their first home a couple miles from our home. Everyone is on good terms. I don't hesitate to call her DSM for things, and vice versa. My current DH thinks he is a schlep, but is perfectly cordial and nice. Things have been very smooth. She is not there often, as he kind of ignore her when she is. I do ask him for money now and then and he always pays it. He is paying half her braces. He picks up maybe an extra $1000 a year. He never says no. But does often do the..."right, like a kid needs theater to turn out ok" or "$50 for choir uniform???She can sing at home for free" kind of stuff. We have very different child raising ideas, thus our divorce.
So current situation: DD is 12 yrs old and is EXPENSIVE. DH and I went on to have 2 kiddos, that have special needs, and my work went from full time, to part time consulting, to now about 2-3 hours a week (maybe $500/month income). Ex-DH and his wife after planning on starting family next year and she is planning on quitting work to be a SAHM. I never went back and changed things because, well....we, as a family, made a lot more than them. My husband does well and we are blessed. We also save like hell and ex husband is a spender. We are frugal and able to invest what we save, he is not.
I had a realization this week that 1) DD costs a TON and Ex DH is no way paying half. 2) I am barely working and my DH, while he makes a lot of money, also is working 70 hours a week to do so. So he is working 30 hours of overtime, essentially, so that Ex DH and buy a new truck and take off to play softball and bowl 4 nights a week. I realized I was not being fair to my current DH, who is wonderful and does not complain.
I have avoided this for a few reasons: 1) I enjoy having a zen relationship with ExDH and his wife, because it makes my DDs quality of life in that regard, free of conflict and easy, and there is value there for me. and 2) (hate admitting this aloud) but I feel very guilty for leaving ExDH. He is a simple guy. Would have lived perfectly happily forever going to work and coming home to us. I devastated him. In his eyes I walked out and traded up. He was nowhere near the father or husband my daughter and I needed. But the guilt has kept me from going back for more money. I think....will this make them unable for his wife to stay home with their future kids. Then I realize, not my problem. Why am I hurting my current family to help his? Why am I making DH work more to pay for DD, and he does so lovingly, while ExDH just hangs out.
THen I looked at the numbers and talked to the court. His share would go up from $280/month to $750, PLUS half her medical expenses. He is going to crap.
Sorry this is so long, but I am now scared that he will rage about this, attorneys will get involved, and the stable extended family that my VERY aware 12 yr old has will be shot to hell. Do we negotiate to a lesser number to keep the peace? I want to be fair to the right people, but I also do not want to start a Jerry Springer family set up when both her families have lived in eternal bliss for the last 8 years. I feel a bit weak as I have an incredible backbone in every area of life, but I feel a little floppy on this and don't know why. Really I feel like I am kicking ExDH in the balls after walking out, even though we are well down the road.
Advice, thoughts? Other than "pull my head out of my butt"? :)