eek! I just sent out an invite for DS 2nd birthday... and requested no gifts. Is this a faux pas? Is it rude?
We've gotten engaged; married; bought a home; had baby shower; birth of ds; ds first birthday; the birth of dd all in about 5 years. We've celebrated with the same group of family and friends. I just hate that they feel obligated to buy something for us *again*.
Now I'm reading other thread here and feel worried that I messed up.
While, it's rude to put "no gifts" on the invitation, it's not rude to let people know in person that gifts are not necessary. And really they're not necessary. The purpose of the party is to celebrate the occasion. Gifts have become customary but they certainly aren't mandatory. Or shouldn't be.
I don't think you're being rude at all, although I guess part of it depends on the people you're inviting. In our society, gifts have become mandatory. By stating "no gifts" as a policy, you keep there from being a bunch of gifts because people didn't want to be the loser who didn't show up with a gift, you know? If someone finds something just perfect your child, they can give it in private still... it keeps there from being a bunch of presents because you have to give something. I mean, think about it, where did the phrase "what do you get for the kid who has everything?" come from? The idea that you're obligated to give a gift even if there is nothing the person needs. It's part of our consumer culture.
We had a no gifts wedding. It said that clearly on the invite. We didn't want to be given a bunch of stuff, because we didn't need anything. There were still a few very thoughtful gifts that were given in private from people who knew we needed something (e.g., one of our guests flew out a friend who wouldn't have otherwise been able to come). The wedding was very enjoyable, and I don't think anyone felt really put out. When I was pregnant, though, everyone made very clear they expected to be allowed to give gifts for the little one, which was cool with us because we needed baby stuff. We encouraged people to make creative purchaces from goodwill, craigslist, etc. I feel like because it's so 'normal' to have to buy new things for people (tags attached but prices ripped off), you really need to say "buy used!" for people to even consider it.
For the first birthday, who knows! We'll see where we are and where everyone else is.
Best,
Anka
Totally fine :)
I wish I received more invites that said that. While I like to give gifts, it's hard to get to a party at 9am on a Saturday with a good gift after working all week and no toy stores anywhere close by.
I was the original poster of the other thread. Even though DH and I were convinced to leave off any mention of gifts on the invitation (our families would just ignore the request, guaranteed) I'm curious to see the kind of responses you get here!
While, it's rude to put "no gifts" on the invitation, it's not rude to let people know in person that gifts are not necessary. And really they're not necessary. The purpose of the party is to celebrate the occasion. Gifts have become customary but they certainly aren't mandatory. Or shouldn't be.
Why is it "rude" to say 'no gifts'? I am honestly curious, not trying to bait you for an argument. I admit to being socially awkward---the reasons behind etiquette rules seem to escape me.
From what I've read (since posting this thread) is that it's rude to even mention gifts on the invite. The invite should be given without the expectation or thought of gifts. I agree with that; and from now on I wno't mention it unless asked.
It's just hard because I know social norms in our family around here dictate a 20-25 dollar gift for birthdays. And I know 3 families that that will be a strain for this year. :(
I was the original poster of the other thread. Even though DH and I were convinced to leave off any mention of gifts on the invitation (our families would just ignore the request, guaranteed) I'm curious to see the kind of responses you get here!
Why is it "rude" to say 'no gifts'? I am honestly curious, not trying to bait you for an argument. I admit to being socially awkward---the reasons behind etiquette rules seem to escape me.
I was the original poster of the other thread. Even though DH and I were convinced to leave off any mention of gifts on the invitation (our families would just ignore the request, guaranteed) I'm curious to see the kind of responses you get here!
Why is it "rude" to say 'no gifts'? I am honestly curious, not trying to bait you for an argument. I admit to being socially awkward---the reasons behind etiquette rules seem to escape me.
I haven't seen the other thread but any mention of gifts on an invitation is rude. The implied thought behind an invitation is the pleasure of the guest's company not the wish to receive any compensation from the guest for showing up. In our society today, an invitation now implies that the guest must pay in the form of a gift for being invited. I prefer the original meaning of an invitation and don't automatically bring a gift or send my child with a gift.
I personally think it is fine that you wrote it on there.
However, I went to a party for a little guy recently where they said that (well, they said no presents but if you want you can bring some change for the piggy bank). I followed the order, and I was the ONLY ONE who did. My DD (5yo) told me in the car after that I was wrong - we should have brought a gift. She was right. It was so lame and embarassing. They opened all these presents with everyone there before we left, and we looked like the cheap people (and it was even worse because the other people knew eachother fairly well and we were just meeting them). I even had a good present for him I'd have loved to give, but I wanted to respect the mom. So anyway, since you wrote it, try to do your best to personally thank anyone who actually listens to what you've said. That would have gone miles in my heart for feeling better about doing what was said, instead of following social convention and giving the gift anyway.
Tjej
I personally think it is fine that you wrote it on there.
However, I went to a party for a little guy recently where they said that (well, they said no presents but if you want you can bring some change for the piggy bank). I followed the order, and I was the ONLY ONE who did. My DD (5yo) told me in the car after that I was wrong - we should have brought a gift. She was right. It was so lame and embarassing. They opened all these presents with everyone there before we left, and we looked like the cheap people (and it was even worse because the other people knew eachother fairly well and we were just meeting them). I even had a good present for him I'd have loved to give, but I wanted to respect the mom. So anyway, since you wrote it, try to do your best to personally thank anyone who actually listens to what you've said. That would have gone miles in my heart for feeling better about doing what was said, instead of following social convention and giving the gift anyway.
Tjej
See, with my DD's upcoming birthday party, this is exactly what we were concerned about if we decided to say something about no gifts on the invite, yet still hold a 'public' gift unwrapping. Our family would bring gifts anyway, and then what? The few, if any, people who did honor our wishes would be made to feel isolated and cheap (I'm so sorry that happened, btw) :(
Ack. Party etiquette is so complicated.
I haven't seen the other thread but any mention of gifts on an invitation is rude. The implied thought behind an invitation is the pleasure of the guest's company not the wish to receive any compensation from the guest for showing up. In our society today, an invitation now implies that the guest must pay in the form of a gift for being invited. I prefer the original meaning of an invitation and don't automatically bring a gift or send my child with a gift.
I suppose how we interpret invitations varies from cultural subset to subset. According to my extended family, you bring food contributions when you're invited over to someone's house for dinner and you bring presents when you're invited to a celebration. Whether you are asked or not, whether the invitation says to or not. It's just what you do--- not as 'payment' but as gesture of gratitude. To not do so would *might be* considered 'rude'. I never think a thing of it when people don't bring gifts, but I am not my family. Because this is the expectation in my own culture, to say something along the lines of 'let your presence be your present' says to your guests that it is ok to let that particular cultural expectation slide for this party. No ill will be thought of the guests to come without a gift, in fact, it's welcome. To me, it would be alleviating and set a casual, inclusive tone for the party.
I personally think it is fine that you wrote it on there.
However, I went to a party for a little guy recently where they said that (well, they said no presents but if you want you can bring some change for the piggy bank). I followed the order, and I was the ONLY ONE who did. My DD (5yo) told me in the car after that I was wrong - we should have brought a gift. She was right. It was so lame and embarassing. They opened all these presents with everyone there before we left, and we looked like the cheap people (and it was even worse because the other people knew eachother fairly well and we were just meeting them). I even had a good present for him I'd have loved to give, but I wanted to respect the mom. So anyway, since you wrote it, try to do your best to personally thank anyone who actually listens to what you've said. That would have gone miles in my heart for feeling better about doing what was said, instead of following social convention and giving the gift anyway.
Tjej
I have never felt bad or embarrassed because I (or my child) was the only one who didn't bring a present. I have never felt I needed to apologize for our income even with people I was just meeting.
We've been to 3 birthday parties in the last 4 weeks and all 3 invitations said "no gifts." We complied as did most of the other attendees. My girls made cards for the birthday child and that was all we brought. The favors at these parties were also very minimal -- which all the parents appreciated. So at least in my circle of friends, it isn't rude. My dds' birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and they're not having a party this year (I tempted them with a special family outing instead) but I think I would definitely have gone with the no gifts.
definitely not having a public gift opening... I haven't seen one of those in a long while! people do normally set gifts on the table while coming into our home; I'm thinking that I might have a table cloth and move them under the table; so it's not so obvious.
So, techinally yes, it is a violation of etiquette to request no gifts. The rational is that no mention of gfits, at all, should be involved in an invite.
But I don't think it is rude and in this modern age, and at least among our friend and family, people understand that kids get too much stuff. Our kiddie parties include the entire preschool class and I'd say at least 85% say no gift on them. And I don't violate it, ever. We do the same thing. I am simply NOT OKAY with my kid getting 30 gifts at a party. And I've never seen anyone open gifts at a party.
I don't bring gifts to parties that don't mention the no gifts things either. I always ship them to the house. That way LO is in the habit of drawing a card/picture for the birthday kid and we leave it at that.
Family membersusually ignore the no gifts thing and I am fine with that...
A lot of people do consider it rude to request no gifts on the invitations, but on the rare occasion I host a party where people would normally bring presents, I do it anyways. I honestly, truly do not want presents and do not have the time or patience to deal with all the extra stuff, especially when I'm going to have enough after party clean up to do anyways. However, I only invite people who know me very well and aren't likely to be offended. By now, everyone is used to how I am. It hasn't been a problem so far, but I think it would really bug me if everyone disregarded my wishes on that. I don't get why people would do that. Imo, that's way more rude than requesting no gifts.
I personally think it is fine that you wrote it on there.
However, I went to a party for a little guy recently where they said that (well, they said no presents but if you want you can bring some change for the piggy bank). I followed the order, and I was the ONLY ONE who did. My DD (5yo) told me in the car after that I was wrong - we should have brought a gift. She was right. It was so lame and embarassing. They opened all these presents with everyone there before we left, and we looked like the cheap people (and it was even worse because the other people knew eachother fairly well and we were just meeting them). I even had a good present for him I'd have loved to give, but I wanted to respect the mom. So anyway, since you wrote it, try to do your best to personally thank anyone who actually listens to what you've said. That would have gone miles in my heart for feeling better about doing what was said, instead of following social convention and giving the gift anyway.
Tjej
If I was the host, I would have been very thankful to you that you actually respected my wishes. I'm sorry you were embarrassed, and I wish she'd taken the time to thank you, but imo, you definitely did the right thing.
I've never hosted a birthday party for any of my children that was 30 guests. I only invite the number of the birthday's child's age plus the birthday child and siblings. And no parties with guests outside of the extended family for birthday before age 5 (school age). So for a 5th birthday party, there would be 5 children invited (plus parent/s if they want to stay) and it would be held on the weekend nearest the birthday. The extended family would be invited on the actual birthday to wish the birthday child a happy birthday and celebrate with cake and ice cream.
Chris
We're not big on parties and gifts and stuff like that...but our circle of friends and family is small, so it's easy to communicate these things.
Something I'm thinking of doing for my DDs next birthday party, is placing a slip of paper in the invite that states the following:
Hello Friends!
We hope you will help us to give Avery a very special gift this year. If you are able to make it to the party, please, instead of a toy or a stuffed animal or something like that, we request that you bring a bead. Just one bead. It can be a big bead or a small one...any shape, color or texture that you choose. When everyone comes to the party, we are going to string all of the beads together to make a very special birthday necklace, so that Avery can wear it and cherish it and always remember the special time she had on her birthday and all of the special friends she spent it with.
If you have any questions, mamas and papas, please call us and let us know. We really hope you have fun hunting for a special bead...we can't wait to make a special birthday necklace for Avery!
Love,
Us
-------
I feel like a "redirection" of the desire to gift is better than shutting it down entirely. I know when *I* see "no gifts"...I am vexed because I know that some people will bring gifts and some people will not bring gifts and that's just weird. I want people to have FUN getting a gift for my kid...but more importantly, I want them to be happy and relaxed when they come over and have a good time.
I like gifting books and things like that, but that can be a weird gift for a little kid...I feel sometimes like there is so much pressure and we don't have TV or do new stuff or plastic stuff and I feel really out of the loop when it comes to toys.
I don't know, maybe my idea is a bad one and it certainly makes me feel "iffy" from an etiquette standpoint. I just want people to have fun and not break the bank and fill my house with a bunch of stuff that I don't want around and all of that nonsense. I imagine people having fun, being on the hunt for a bead that feels cool and special to them...and then DD having one, special thing to remember her birthday party....she can hang it up and look at it and we can keep it in her box of special things and she won't age out of it and end up throwing it away or something...I can put it in her box of art and doodles and special rocks and stuff.
I just like the idea because then it's one, special gift....a collaborative effort with all of her little friends, you know? Looking for a special bead feels like everyone is a part of a special mission together...?? I bet there are a lot of things along that vein that you could do...?
The bead thing sounds hard. Where I live I would have to go to a specialty shop to get a bead, unless I went to a big box store and paid more for a package of beads. I think that sounds like more trouble than a regular gift.
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