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Parenting Older Kiddos and Our Babies Support Thread - Page 2

post #21 of 83
Thread Starter 

Thanks Michelle for your pep talk!  I am definitely too hard on myself.  I do this with everything -- I want to be an expert right out of the gate.  I HATE learning curves, I just want to have it all figured out.  

I would have totally timed out my DD for something like that.  Actually, in my current state of parenting, I would have cried, yelled at her, told her I was mad and to get away from us, time out, let her fester in her room for a few minutes, then gone in and had a GOOD LONG talk with her about it.  OMG.  I would have totally overreacted and then felt horrible afterwards.

 

copper, I have to chuckle when you said you hate trains!  LOL!  DD is so hardcore into Thomas and she has all the trains.  It gets so old so quick!!  

 

 

 

 

post #22 of 83

What do you guys do with your older children when they refuse to take a nap, but are obviously tired?  DD has been moving away from naps, but gets really cranky in the early afternoon.  I have thought about starting a quiet time.  Do any of you do this?  What does it look like?  Do they hang out in their own room, somewhere else?  How long do you make quiet time?  Any advice would be helpful.

 

 

post #23 of 83

I started (and then forgot, butshould restart ...) a one hour 'quiet time' for DS in his room after lunch. I give him my running watch with the timer set for an hour, and tell him he can look at books, lay on his bed, or play quietly. The only 'rules' are: he has to be quiet, he can't leave his room except to use the bathroom, and he has to clean up when the timer goes off if he made a big mess.

 

It worked really well. When I started it, I started with 20 min on the timer, and moved up from there. Often, he'd stay in his room playing a very involved game with his Playmobil sets, for at least another 40 min after the timer went off.

 

I think we'll start to get back to a normal routine next week and go back to quiet time :)

post #24 of 83

Expect to have no expectations.

 

 

 

That is how I have to roll most of the time. 

 

 

 

This 4th kid is kicking my butt right now. My 2 year tried to kill himself the other night by getting into a bottle of pills. He opened the child resistant lid, removed the device inside that only allows one pill to be removed at a time, and ate all 30, all in a span of like 2 minutes. He still isn't himself. His therapist got into a car accident this week and Early Intervention can't replace her. He is starting to try to self harm, banging his head against poles, etc... great time to have no therapist. My babysitter quit. Finally found another one so I could, I don't know, work! She can't start for 3 weeks though. The baby has a murmur going on that the docs aren't sure about so we have to go for testing. My 4 year literally got beat up at the pool today by a 9 year boy. We couldn't get into the play slide thing were it was happening, she is not taking it well.  And my 8 year is having anxiety/insomnia issues yet again, she is driving me insane. I want to run far far away tonight. 

 

 

Instead I guess once this baby on top of me finally stops screaming and passes out, I'm going to get up and clean so I can get up tomorrow and do it all over again. This week sucked. Next week really has to be better. I'm normally good with things, I manage, no one is super mom, and I'm at peace with the fact that sometimes we eat crappy or my kids look like they haven't bathed in a week at times or once in a while I yell, a lot. But this, feeling like I'm failing everyone, I'm not used to, and I really don't like it. I know it will all pass. I just hope it is so

on. 

 

Regarding quiet time, we've never done it but my 3 older kids all stopped napping right at age 2 so they didn't understand the concept of quiet time. And they didn't have bedrooms to do something like that in. A kid only gets a bedroom in our house when they sleep in their bed which they don't want to do for years and years. Having a quiet time in the playroom with all the toys would never happen!

post #25 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peony View Post

Expect to have no expectations.

 

 

 

That is how I have to roll most of the time. 

 

 

 

This 4th kid is kicking my butt right now. My 2 year tried to kill himself the other night by getting into a bottle of pills. He opened the child resistant lid, removed the device inside that only allows one pill to be removed at a time, and ate all 30, all in a span of like 2 minutes. He still isn't himself. His therapist got into a car accident this week and Early Intervention can't replace her. He is starting to try to self harm, banging his head against poles, etc... great time to have no therapist. My babysitter quit. Finally found another one so I could, I don't know, work! She can't start for 3 weeks though. The baby has a murmur going on that the docs aren't sure about so we have to go for testing. My 4 year literally got beat up at the pool today by a 9 year boy. We couldn't get into the play slide thing were it was happening, she is not taking it well.  And my 8 year is having anxiety/insomnia issues yet again, she is driving me insane. I want to run far far away tonight. 

 

 

Instead I guess once this baby on top of me finally stops screaming and passes out, I'm going to get up and clean so I can get up tomorrow and do it all over again. This week sucked. Next week really has to be better. I'm normally good with things, I manage, no one is super mom, and I'm at peace with the fact that sometimes we eat crappy or my kids look like they haven't bathed in a week at times or once in a while I yell, a lot. But this, feeling like I'm failing everyone, I'm not used to, and I really don't like it. I know it will all pass. I just hope it is so

on. 

 

Regarding quiet time, we've never done it but my 3 older kids all stopped napping right at age 2 so they didn't understand the concept of quiet time. And they didn't have bedrooms to do something like that in. A kid only gets a bedroom in our house when they sleep in their bed which they don't want to do for years and years. Having a quiet time in the playroom with all the toys would never happen!



haven't been able to read the whole thread, but couldn't not comment on this.

 

peony, you regularly sound like super mom to me....you seem to manage so much with the 4 kiddos who need extra support (whether it is your two year old or your all star older dd), and you are always schlepping everyone to where they need to be. hugs to you!! that has to be so hard. i've moved my rank up to 3 babies....and honestly, if my oldest were not such a helper (most of the time) i would be seriously drowning. i think i'm just barely holding my head above water now.....

 

that said, hugs all around. new babies are such a learning curve, like it or loathe it. let's all cut ourselves a little slack, and i am totally replaying what pp said about as long as the kids are alive and fed at the end of the day, it will pass.....   does cereal and fruit count as fed?

 

 

 

post #26 of 83
Can I join? My august baby is kiddo #5. Surprisingly, we've had many good days, but when we have a bad day it is BAD.

Bad days start out with at least one of my brood crying/whining/screaming before I'm even out of bed. The other day it was my 4 yo dd because she couldn't get her shorts on ( because she wouldn't unbutton them, because then she can't zipper them), today it is my soon to be 2 yo son who is crying because he wants the ice cream cake we bought for the Monday night football game.

Really makes me want to get up and start my day with q cheery attitude.

If I'm lucky the new baby will stay asleep while I sneak out of bed and try andbfold one of the 15 loads of laundry that has accumulated. I start folding said laundry and realize it is not clean- either 9 yo or 6.5 yo bungled up the laundry process by putting dirty in the same basket as clean or had to do more than one load and left dirty load in front of dryer so they thought it was clean. Have to go to my drawer, baby's drawer and 2 yo's drawer to pull out dirty laundry which I have now folded and put some away. Then just as I finally get the whole mess straightened out and m able to actually accomplish something, new baby wakes up. Nurse new baby with 2 yo screaming "need mom, need mom" while trying to climb on me and kneeing new baby in the head. Nurse baby and then he wants to cuddle
with my breast which is really, really sweet, but he wants to also suck on my pinky because he gets mad when he's full and milk keeps coming out of my breast. Now, I'm confined to using one hand and I get a cramp in my arm from keeping my pinky in his mouth. (I have started using my wrap more which seems to keep baby content).

While this is going one, there is usually some sort of upheaval/disagreement/quarreling going on between my 4 yo dd, my 6.5 yo son and my 9 yo- usually it is my 9 yo wreaking havoc as he takes immense pleasure in tormenting/scaring/inflicting misery on his sister and his 6.5 yo bro. Sometimes this involves brooms, throwing stuffed animals or some thing that will likely result in something getting broken or someone getting really hurt. Add in homeschooling for the oldest three, changing an insanely gross poopy diaper for the 2 yo, meals, getting said 2 yo down for a nap, some semblance of picking up and if I'm lucky a shower, because days like these a shower is the only thing helping me keep my sanity.

And just like peony said, once you make it through all of this you go to bed only to get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Seriously mamas, have no expectations. If your kid gets your attention for twenty minutes that's great. Many aunts/friends tell me of how when they grew up, their mom would send them outside to play for the entire day- locking the door at 8 am and not letting them back in until dinner time or how a two year old would carry their newest sibling around in a
choke hold. My mantra is " the days are LONG but the years are FAST".

My oldest (9) is going to be off to college ( or move out f this crazy house) in 9 years.
The first nine went by in a flash. Especially in remembering 9/11, I was pregnant with my
oldest on that day, yet I did not know it. I had crazy morning sickness I thought was the flu
and went home that day, took some nyquil, and went to bed. Ten years later my baby is
now 9 and he has 4 siblings! Get up and try again- years ago mothers and grandmothers had their mothers, sisters, aunts and grandmothers to help DAILY. How many of us can
say the same?
post #27 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by earth-mama View Post

What do you guys do with your older children when they refuse to take a nap, but are obviously tired?  DD has been moving away from naps, but gets really cranky in the early afternoon.  I have thought about starting a quiet time.  Do any of you do this?  What does it look like?  Do they hang out in their own room, somewhere else?  How long do you make quiet time?  Any advice would be helpful.

 

 

 

I try to make sure Nora gets SOME sort of quiet play time alone, but I let her choose when and where.  She gave up napping before she was 2 (she's just been go, go, go her whole life), and now she'll often come tell me she's tired.  I'll set her up on the couch with pillows and blankets and let her watch a movie, or I'll set her up with play-doh in her room and just watch the clock, making sure she gets a decent amount of down time.  



Quote:
Originally Posted by elevena true View Post

that said, hugs all around. new babies are such a learning curve, like it or loathe it. let's all cut ourselves a little slack, and i am totally replaying what pp said about as long as the kids are alive and fed at the end of the day, it will pass.....   does cereal and fruit count as fed?

 


Yes, I would say so!!  That's all Nora gets some days!  I just don't have the time/patience to fight with her over every meal these days!!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by pjs View Post


Seriously mamas, have no expectations. If your kid gets your attention for twenty minutes that's great. Many aunts/friends tell me of how when they grew up, their mom would send them outside to play for the entire day- locking the door at 8 am and not letting them back in until dinner time or how a two year old would carry their newest sibling around in a
choke hold. My mantra is " the days are LONG but the years are FAST".

My oldest (9) is going to be off to college ( or move out f this crazy house) in 9 years.
The first nine went by in a flash. Especially in remembering 9/11, I was pregnant with my
oldest on that day, yet I did not know it. I had crazy morning sickness I thought was the flu
and went home that day, took some nyquil, and went to bed. Ten years later my baby is
now 9 and he has 4 siblings! Get up and try again- years ago mothers and grandmothers had their mothers, sisters, aunts and grandmothers to help DAILY. How many of us can
say the same?

 

So, so true.  The years are just fleeting.  Get up and try again.  I like that.  Thanks for that.

 

Peony -- hug.gif .

post #28 of 83

Im too exhausted to respond much but want to say I so feel your pain.  i feel guilty every day for not being more patient with DD - i feel the same, "this isnt the mom i want to be"- then the exhaustion and hormones take over :(   My saving grace is that DD is 4 and in school 3 afternoons a week- and has a sitter she can go to as needed.  It's definetly been HARD

post #29 of 83
Thread Starter 

Ok, so, tantrums!?  Any advice??

 

The way I've been doing it (and this only just started working, so I'm no expert) is I calmly walk DD to her room or another room in the house, and try to stay with her.  Remove her from the situation.  Of course, she's still screaming on top of her lungs, so I gently say, "I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you, but that's just too loud, I can't stay in here with you," and go to leave.  Usually then she'll suddenly stop screaming and say, "No, mommy wait, I need you!" and we can begin working things through.  It's the *only* thing that works.  Time out doesn't work, like you said -- she screams for me until I'm practically on the brink of exploding, and of course I feel terrible about it.

 

I'm trying to increase the 1:1 time with DD, and we are doing well playing together.  But as soon as the baby wakes up or starts fussing to eat if DH is holding him, DD gets very possessive.  She'll say things like, "No, I need 2 more mommy hugs," which turns into a lot more than 2 hugs, and if/when I try to gently break away, she throws a fit.  I get it.  She doesn't want to share me.  But what can I do??

 

She loves Finn, she smothers him in hugs/kisses, says out of the blue things about how she loves her brother.  But sharing me isn't going well.

post #30 of 83

Carrie, she's just about to turn 3 right?  Jeb was his most difficult from just before 3 until about 3 and 4ish months.  I'm sure throwing a new baby into the mix makes it more intense.  With Jeb, I would put him in his room and close the door and tell him he could come out when he was ready to xyz.  Sometimes I'd have to hold the door, but it always worked within a few minutes.  So, I would be on the other side of the door and say very calmly "you may come out when you are ready to be calm/ listen/ share/ get dressed/ whatever."  Every couple minutes I would say "are you ready?" and usually by the 2nd or 3rd time I asked he would say "yes", and I would let him out and he would comply.  This way I wasn't arguing with him and the whole situation was diffused pretty quickly, and it was ultimately his choice to behave.  I haven't had to do that in a LONG time.  I found that being consistent and nipping it in the bud helped the whole phase to pass pretty quickly.  Good luck.  3 is a tough age!

post #31 of 83
Thread Starter 

Copper, that's what we've been doing, and it isn't working.  And yeah, she'll be 3 in about 3 weeks.  She keeps crying and screaming for me for what feels like forever behind that door.  If she quiets, and then I or DH opens the door, she starts up again.  Gah!  That's why I've been trying this technique.  I think going b/w the two techniques might work.  It has to be whatever I can handle in the moment.  If DS is also screaming and needs to be fed, I have to do that first before dealing with DD.

post #32 of 83
DS is throwing a lot more tantrums too, especially surrounding nap time. It means he's getting more time outs, which makes me sad, but I always give him several opportunities to snap out of it, and I'm trying to leave them more open ended... When he stops screaming/whining/whatever, then he can get off the chair, or come out of his room, etc. With naps the deal is that if he will be quiet and still, then DD and I will come and lie down in the room with him. We all share s room still, so he stays in his little toddler bed, and if he stops his fit then he can have mama around for the nap.

Works sometimes wink1.gif
post #33 of 83

We've got tantrums going on as well. He is totally fine one on one, doesn't matter who the person is but the second it is me, him, baby, even if the older girls aren't around, then chaos breaks loose. Last Friday he tried to throw himself off the top of a playground, twice, because he got mad at me. Can't have him out of eyesight now it is arm's reach. I can't reason with him, he doesn't understand much so it it just keeping him safe until he calms down. It is really hard because he doesn't like to be around people when he gets upset, he used to run into another room and slam the door if we were at home, now I need to be able to see him. If we are out he just keeps trying to run away. 

 

It shall pass, it shall pass. 

post #34 of 83
Ugh. Mega meltdown! DD has been crying because I brought her babies in from the car--it's been about 15 min. She is just now calming down. Rainy grey weather is not helping--this girl needs the sun!

I am also tired as DS seems to be eating a lot more, growth spurt?, the past couple of days and nights--so less sleep for me. Sigh. Maybe we'll watch a movie.
post #35 of 83

.

 


Edited by zombie_bride - 12/20/11 at 7:06pm
post #36 of 83

One evening this week, DS couldn't do what DH asked him to b/c "I am busy yelling at my moooo-ooom". Seriously. The tantrum was over something ridiculously minor, and when he couldn't remember why he was mad anymore, he just kept yelling "I am yelling at you".

 

Ah, this is just a phase, it will pass, right?

post #37 of 83
Thread Starter 

Oh goodness, Rochelle!  I so feel you on that one!!

 

Nora was a bear yesterday.  Too much TV was definitely the culprit but neither DH or I had the energy to do anything outside or fun.  So we got stuck with the consequences.  

 

A few things I'd like some opinions/advice on...

 

She HATES it when Finn cries.  She screams louder over him.  This has to be for attention, right?  Baby is crying so I'm going to cry louder so they know I'm still here?  What's better -- to tell her to please stop or try to ignore?

 

She wants us to treat her like a baby.  Carry her all over the place.  She'll stop walking mid-way and declare her legs don't work and she needs to be carried.  For awhile we did the whole, You're a big girl you can walk, but now when we say stuff like that she melts down and tantrums and it's horrible.  So, lately I've been picking her up and carrying her everywhere she asks, sort of like indulging her that little bit.  I'm waiting for a switch to flip in her brain that b/c she's older, she can do so much more than a baby, but ... yeah I'm getting impatient for that!  She'll be 3 in 2 weeks!!  Where is my Miss Independent from before Finnley was born?

 

 

 

post #38 of 83

Ugh. I got my first "he just ate" comment today. MIL said "you just ate, your diapers clean, you can't be hungry again you can come to grandma."

 

Ticked me off a bit, but dh backed me up which was nice.

post #39 of 83

Oh wow, clicked the wrong thread... that was supposed to go in the chat... I blame the prego brain?

post #40 of 83

Carrie- I'd ignore the screaming. Eventually she is going to figure out that screaming is for babies who don't have words. It's one of those things that it isn't worth making a power struggle over.  Now, I would go along with the baby phase. That is something that she will tired of eventually, but for now she is seeing him being carried, getting lots os attention from mama and is jealous. Trying to reason with her is going to be impossible because she is a toddler, they are impossible creatures! What I would do is talk up the things she is CHOOSING to do. So don't comment on the baby like behavior but go along with it, but then if she walks into the kitchen of her own doing then say something about that. The book How to Talk to Kids so Kids While Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk gives excellent examples of this. It is an oldie but goodie, I love that book and keep it on the back of my toilet (the, um, only place I ever get to look at a book!) for constant reference. 

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