PAL (pregnancy after loss) Mamas ~ Let's chat!

[mountainsun]

Anyone else going through it?  I have had 2 back to back losses.  I had 2 beautiful healthy preganacies, and now have 2 sons.  Then, almost 2 years ago I had my first loss, then a year after that, on my birthday, no less, I had another miscarriage.  So I am still kinda shell-shocked at this moment.  I had my betas done, and got some wonky results (slow-rising) my midwife was worried about an ectopic, had an early ultrasound 2 weeks ago and lo and behold, strong heartbeat and little bean nestled in my uterus.   Yay!  I was on edge though during the blood draws and the WAITING.  I have never had early testing/ultrasounds like that.  And I keep thinking if I hadn't of had the betas, I would not have been under that STRESS.  Not my midwife (who I trust) wants me to have another u/s - I think just because of the 2 previous losses.  I think I will do it, for reassurance, next week.

So, I am still checking the TP for blood every time I use the bathroom.  Still ya know, not able to just be happy.  Although I AM trying - I am breathing and doing yoga.  Itr is just SO HARD right now.  

Just wanted to know if anyone else is there with me?  Or been through this.  I will be SO happy to be out of the first trimester.  The thoughts of another u/s are making me a bit nervous, and excited at the same time.  

[ASusan]

Yup. I had 2 miscarriages, then a healthy pregnancy resulting in DS, who is almost four.

So it's been a while, and I'm over 40 now. I had my BFP 6 days ago, and I've tested every other day since. The most recent test (yesterday, on my birthday) is a little lighter than the previous one. I *know* that's not a reliable indicator, but I just don't want to be doing betas and early ultrasounds and all that, so I'll do three more tests, every 2 days, and if the color gets lighter still, I'll notify my provider. I don't even know how far along I am. (Wasn't temping or anything like that; had a short, light period that may have been a period or it may have been implantation bleeding, so there is variability of more than 3 weeks.) I am taking progesterone, and I'm supposed to go in for a dating ultrasound at 8-10 weeks, whenever that might be.

The thing that concerns me is my changing symptoms. I was EXHAUSTED last week - before I figured it out. I kept saying, "I haven't been this tired since I was pregnant." duh. At least it's not chronic fatigue!  But this week, I'm not as tired - perhaps because I now know how to interpret it? I had cramping before I tested - and lots of cramping on Monday and Tuesday, which I vacillated between thinking it was round ligament, and that it was signs of miscarriage. Now that the cramping has subsided, I'm concerned. I'm somewhat sick in the mornings, but I do manage to get down a breakfast, whereas last week, I couldn't eat breakfast. Aarugh.

My lack of bleeding does not reassure me. My second miscarriage was a blighted ovum (anembryonic pregnancy), and I did not begin to bleed on my own. We followed it out with betas and then ultrasounds to be sure it was not a viable pregnancy, and I decided to let it happen "on it's own." I had to initiate bleeding with acupuncture and Chinese herbs at 12+ weeks because my body just was not kicking the little bugger out. I later learned that "blighted ovums" have no EVENT to tell the body it is no longer pregnant - no significant shift in hormones - so the bleeding doesn't always start on its own. And, in my case, it did not stop on its own. I bled for 3 months, and FINALLY went in for a D&C. In retrospect, I should have gone in sooner, but I was in a "I am woman and my body will do what it needs to do" phase. Once  I got the D&C, I was (successfully) pregnant within 2 cycles.  This time, if I know it is a miscarriage, I might jump on a D&C if it is offered. At least, I won't wait for 3 months. But I know that a lack of bleeding might be a blighted ovum or the progesterone keeping things going longer.

Sorry I write so much. I learned SO MUCH from these forums my first time around, and I feel compelled to share. Don't feel you need to respond to it all! I'm just putting it out there for the MDC masses.

[AiryFairy]

We lost our son Ollie at 17 weeks last January.  It's really been a test of faith....I've never not been confident or even worried about losing my baby till this pregnancy.  I don't obsess over it but I feel like that fear is constantly at the back of my mind and I feel like I'm not bonding as much as I did last time as the result of it.  Usually the 12 week mark helps you feel better but I'm wondering if I'll feel that ease by 18-20 weeks or if it might stay with me the whole pregnancy and even beyond.  Life is just so precious and really can be taken away at anytime.

[natwatson84]

i had a son 9 years ago. i started trying for child no2 when he was just 2 years old. since then i have had 7 losses. 2 ectopic pregnancies. hurrah to IVF!!!!  im finally expecting my second with no threat of miscarriage or ectopic! its been a long long struggle but i feel so lucky to be nearly 11 weeks pregnant! its made me more aware of what could happen and im always walking around with my hands on my growing tummy. protection i guess? 

[mountainsun]

Originally Posted by AiryFairy 

 Usually the 12 week mark helps you feel better but I'm wondering if I'll feel that ease by 18-20 weeks or if it might stay with me the whole pregnancy and even beyond.  Life is just so precious and really can be taken away at anytime.

yes!  I am wondering if I will ever feel "at ease."  In my head I know that because we saw the baby and heartbeat our chances are really really good this time.  I am still very worried and anxious about losing this babe.

As for me, my first loss was at about 5 weeks.  Complete shock and devastation.  My second loss, almost a year later was at around 9 weeks.  I did not think in a million years that it would happen again.  It has been a tough ride.  I am thankful that I did not need any medical intervention either time.  It was a healing process for me, albiet a very hard one, both physically and mentally.

ASusan, I am glad that you got the help you needed with the D&C.  Sometimes it is hard to cope with the fact that we *do* need help.

regarding symptoms, I had a rough couple of days last week because I woke up one morning and my breasts didn't hurt anymore, and I was just like, "OH crap."  And I am not feeling so exhausted, but I don't know if I am just dealing with it better.  

I am trying to take it one day at a time and send love and light to the baby that is there right now.  Drinking my pg tea, and just wishing and hoping against hope that this lo sticks.

I wish the same for all of you.

[ASusan]

Mountainsun - What is your pregnancy tea? Mine is nothing pregnancy-in-particular. I am sipping on my second ginger tea of the morning. This one has raw honey and some nettles tincture in it.

I've been doing a cup of ginger tea each morning, and that usually cuts the nausea enough to eat something. I overdid it this morning w/ 2 slices of bread w/ nutella. I probably should have gone for some protein instead.

I will probably introduce red raspberry leaf tea pretty soon.

[arbybee]

The post-loss anxiety sneaks up on me. I can go for days being totally sane and cool-headed (lots of positive pregnancy affirmations, as cheesy as they are) and then suddenly I eat hollandaise sauce and go into near-hysteria worrying about it. Reaaaallly hoping it dies down after the 12th week and I can kind of relax into this pregnancy, but I feel like I'll never get back the innocence/utter joy of prego numero uno.

[SweetPotato]

My first 3 pregnancies ended in early losses, then I had a D & C to remove and endometrial polyp, followed by a successful (but not uneventful) pg with my my dd (now almost 6yo).  The early weeks of this pg were hard for me-- I think just because, in my experience, getting pg does not = having a baby.  Now that I've seen the heartbeat after 8 weeks, and am now almost 11 weeks, I feel much more confident.  I'm prone to anxiety anyway, and so am still a major food safety freak (I figure I'll control what I can, since i know there is so much that I can't).  I'm very envious of friends who are able to have carefree, relaxed pregnancies-- who can actually enjoy it.  With my dd, it was found at 20 weeks that my cervix was shortening and funnnelling-- so I was on bedrest and in fear for the latter half as well.  This time I'm trying to chill out until 18 weeks, when we'll start monitoring the cervix situation.  It's hard.  If something goes wrong in this pg, I'm fairly certain that we won't try again, and I feel strangely at peace with that-- after 5+ years of waffling over whether to try for a second child, it's a relief to know that this is it, for better or worse.

I feel for all of you in similar situations, and I totally agree with the pp who said it's like the innocence of a happy pg has been lost.  Hugs all around, ladies.  Good luck to us all.

[Carolyn_mtl]

I am nervously looking forward to my first dr apt on Friday, I'll be 8 weeks. I've had 4 losses (all within the first 5.5 weeks), 2 before getting prg with dd (which was a text book perfect pregnancy) and 2 ttc#2. I feel better about this pregnancy, partially because I'm now 7 weeks, so past the timeframe of all of my losses, and partially because Im doing acupuncture, which I only did during my dd's preg. I know a loss can happen at any time, but once I hear or see that heartbeat on Friday, I think I'll start to relax...a little (who am I kidding).

I cannot wait to start feeling the baby moving, that's my daily confirmation that things are ok.

[AnnaB77]

Hello-

I lost my baby in January. I found out at almost 11 weeks that the baby died around 6 weeks. I tried taking the pill but that did not work and ended up having a D&C. I have an 11 year old DD and she took it really hard as did my husband and I. I am currently 8 weeks. I had and ultra sound a week and a half ago and saw a beautiful heartbeat. My husband feels great now and is really excited but I still feel really nervous. Since I felt pregnant with all the symptoms the last time i am having a really hard time trusting my own body. I have always felt in tune with my body until I had my missed miscarriage. I think I will feel better once I can feel the baby move. I have another appointment in one week. I cannot wait to hear the heartbeat again. It is nice to share my story and hear others knowing I am not alone. Thank you for starting this thread!!

[mountainsun]

Awwww, AnnaB77, I am so very sorry for your loss.  How tough to have an older daughter go through it as well.  With my first m/c, we told both kids (they were 5 and 3 at the time) that we were having a baby.  Then when we lost, we had to explain to 2 very young kids that the baby had passed.  Although they took it OK, I hated having to even go there with them, ya know.Luckily, for my other m/c we waited and didn't tell them.  So we didn't have to explain.  We have not told the kids yet - they are 7 and 5 now.  Maybe after my next ultrasound.

So I have another u/s scheduled on this Thursday.  I didn't think I would be anxious about it, but, heck, I am all of a sudden.  I keep telling myself that whatever will be, will be.  I am almost tempted to go get a pg test at the store just for reassurance.  Ahhhhh.  I think knowing either way will be a blessing.  It's hard because I also keep telling myself that just because I have had 2 m/c does NOT MEAN I WILL HAVE ANOTHER ONE.  But my mind isn't listening, lol.  Still sending love & light to baby bean.  I'll probably do that for the rest of my pg.

[AnnaB77]

Mountiansun- I am trying to not be anxious too but it is not working. I have looked up all the stats and know how much the risk of a m/c is lowered after seeing the heartbeat but it really has not helped me. You are very brave. I am not sure I could try again after 2 losses. We have another appointment on Monday. I really hope I will feel better after hearing the heart beat again. How far along do you think you will be when you tells your boys? I am thinking of waiting until I can feel the baby move before I tell my daughter. She worries so much about things and I want to be able to reassure her. I think about the baby I lost often. I think about how old it would be and now I keep trying to think back to when I (thought) I was pregnant to see if there were signs that I missed that the baby had stopped growing.

I have found that the way people treat a m/c is strange. They seem to not want to talk about it and not know what to say when I bring it up. It makes me feel better to talk about it. I really hope that your ultra sound goes perfectly!! I will be sending you positive thoughts!!!

[sallyrae17]

AnnaB77 - I hope that you are able to find some solace in your pregnancy. I had two missed miscarriages back-to-back before having my son. When I became pregnant with him, I knew everything was going to work out. I just had a feeling. With my two previous pregnancies, they didn't really feel right to me. It's strange, but most women I've talked to who have had a miscarriage, kinda knew something was up. They either weren't really excited or they became really worried about a miscarriage...or maybe they just had a feeling. I don't know, but in any event, you have to trust your body. 

This pregnancy I've had my worries because my first miscarriage seemed like a viable pregnancy. I was sicker than a dog and all that, which everyone said was a good sign. It ended up being a weird miscarriage, too, because my HCG levels wouldn't go down for months. The doctor was worried that it had been a partial molar pregnancy, but tests on the "matter" said that it was normal. My second miscarriage was completely different. I didn't feel pregnant at all. It ended up being another missed miscarriage (blighted ovum) and I had another bad experience. I went in for a D&C and three days later, I was passing blood clots. I went to the ER and ended up having ANOTHER D&C. It was absolutely horrible.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if you know the worst that can happen, you're usually better off than being oblivious. You know what a miracle it is to be pregnant and you are probably more thankful. If something were to happen to you this pregnancy (which I hope doesn't), you would be able to try again. I've known women who have had 4 miscarriages back-to-back and then have had a successful pregnancy. Some of us just have to try a little harder to get what we want. :)

Put your hand on your uterus and feel the babe that's in there. Focus really hard and you'll feel that there's something there. I do this every day as a way to connect with my babe since it is more of an idea than a real babe at this point. I hope you find some peace.

Originally Posted by AnnaB77 

Mountiansun- I am trying to not be anxious too but it is not working. I have looked up all the stats and know how much the risk of a m/c is lowered after seeing the heartbeat but it really has not helped me. You are very brave. I am not sure I could try again after 2 losses. We have another appointment on Monday. I really hope I will feel better after hearing the heart beat again. How far along do you think you will be when you tells your boys? I am thinking of waiting until I can feel the baby move before I tell my daughter. She worries so much about things and I want to be able to reassure her. I think about the baby I lost often. I think about how old it would be and now I keep trying to think back to when I (thought) I was pregnant to see if there were signs that I missed that the baby had stopped growing.

I have found that the way people treat a m/c is strange. They seem to not want to talk about it and not know what to say when I bring it up. It makes me feel better to talk about it. I really hope that your ultra sound goes perfectly!! I will be sending you positive thoughts!!!

[green23]

Hi, 

I am glad there is a thread within the April 2012 group to discuss the anxieties and stresses of pregnancy after a loss. 

I miscarried in Jan '10 at 17 wks. It was a surprise pregnancy after years of ttc. We had basically given up and fostered three small children with the view to long term fostering/adoption. We also have a biological daughter who is almost 9. Telling the kids about the miscarriage made it even harder. They were so disappointed and still talk about the baby that died and ask how old he or she would have been if he had been born healthy at the right time.

Anyway, after the miscarriage we tried again to conceive but after a year or more had more or less come to terms with the fact that it wasn't meant to be (I am 37) and were feeling quite busy with our four kids anyway. 

5 weeks ago we got another surprise. Pregnant! Yeah! But this time I was so scared to get excited. I managed somehow to stay calm for the last few weeks and was feeling very positive. I am not a big fan of ultrasounds, esp in the first trimester and was waiting to go to the doctor (no midwives or birth centers where I live) at about 12- 14 weeks. Yesterday I had a huge panic attack and was convinced the baby had died and my body was just waiting to miscarriage. 

I went today and had an ultrasound. Saw the heartbeat. Measurements are normal. The relief wasn't immediate but the terrifying sense that something bad was going to happen has passed. 

One of my best friends knows about the pg, only because we are both reflexologists and trade treatments frequently and I didn't want her to treat me without knowing I was pg. We are waiting till I am at least 14 weeks to tell family and I will hide it a little longer from my kids if I can. I think it's already starting to be obvious so not sure how well that plan will work. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share. I have no idea what brought on my panic attack yesterday. I am hoping the next five weeks pass quickly and I will feel more confident once I'm in the second tri. 

[ekandrmkb]

Hi there. This is my first time coming to the DDC area, I've been in the Pregnancy After Loss area up to now. Hope I'm not "jinxing" anything.

I am somewhere between 9-10 weeks. In February, we lost our second son unexpectedly during labor on his due date. They think it was his heart, but we'll never really know, as there wasn't really anything seriously wrong with him The prevailing theory was that he had a heart conduction issue (heartbeats that were strange) that could not handle the stress of labor. But, we'll just never know for sure. This has caused some concern with our first son, who had an irregular heartbeat when I was in labor with him (at full term) and spent a couple of days in the NICU for monitoring and some additional tests. Recent tests on him have so far shown he's fine (we're waiting for the final results - 3 different kinds of tests, the other 2 were totally normal).

Anyway, a part of me thinks we're absolutely crazy for doing this again. Another part was compelled to do so. Can't yet get excited about the pregnancy, but did get an ultrasound which showed a heartbeat, so that was good to see. We haven't told our son yet; he's still processing (as best he can at 3.5) what happened to his little brother, so we're putting off saying anything as long as possible.

I am having a LOT of nausea, particularly in the afternoon/night time. It seems worse than last time...does it get worse with each pregnancy, those of you who have had more than 1 or 2? I was just wondering what I'm going to be dealing with (my last pregnancy was healthy but hard in terms of symptoms).

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. I keep thinking that I hope this one sticks because I'm not sure I can do this again emotionally if I miscarry...if one sees the heartbeat, that's good, right?

[remark71]

ekandrmkb:  Welcome and congratulations.  I remember you from the TTC after a loss site.  I am glad that you have decided to introduce yourself.  I am hoping that you can carry and deliver a happy and healthy baby. 

AFM: I have also been having more nausea in the early morning and early evening with this pregnancy than with my first.  In fact in the evening I have lately been getting the dry heaves.  I am still nervous about my next ultrasound (9/26) that there won't be a heart beat but prayering that this one is a keeper.  When I was pregnant with my last one my first US at 6w showe dno heart beat and 7w there was a slow heart beat and at 8w there was no heart beat and he stopped growing; had a D&C 5/20/11 at what would have been 9weeks.  So far, I have had an US at 6weeks with a heart beat but baby was measuring just under 6 weeks and there was a second gestational sac that was empty.  The 2nd US was at what should have been 8w but the baby is only measuring 7w4d but had a very strong heart beat of 146.  I am currently 9w4d and still feeling nervous about every little pain and concerned about what will be found at the next US.  Still expecting to have bleeding everytime I use the bathroom, just a fear of it.  I have not had any since I found out I was PG.  I trying to stay positive that this one will stick around for 9 months, but only time will tell.

[mountainsun]

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. I keep thinking that I hope this one sticks because I'm not sure I can do this again emotionally if I miscarry...if one sees the heartbeat, that's good, right?

My midwife told me that after seeing the hearbeat, chances of miscarrying are down to like 2-3%.  So, yay for heartbeats!

ARG........I had some light bleeding yesterday that has completely stopped today.  I had an u/s scheduled for this morning.  Hoping for the best................................

[AnnaB77]

Green23-I had that same panic attack yesterday. I am convinced (for no reason at all) that I have lost the baby. I have an appointment on Monday. I am trying to be patient. Besides for my breasts being less sore nothing has really changed. I am not sure what has brought it on I just hope it is not true. I am really glad that you saw the heartbeat. We saw the heartbeat 2 weeks ago. I wish I could have an ultrasound once a week. I am waiting to tell my 11 year old daughter about the pregnancy for as long as possible also. I am hoping we can wait until 16 weeks.

[ekandrmkb]

remark71 - I remember you too! I hope your next u/s goes well. I never know about the way they measure sizing, but a strong hb is a good thing...I'll be thinking about you. I think we're almost on the same schedule. My due date is tentatively tax day - ha.

mountainsun -I hope your u/s went well today.

AnnaB77 and Green234 - I feel the same way - I'm convinced this one is not staying around. I had an 8week mc (before my latest full term loss) and I keep trying to remember the days leading up to it, to see if I can "tell when it's coming". I really have to focus on the positive.

[remark71]

ekandrmkb:  We are because my due date from the last US is April 14 the day before DH's B-day.  Good luck to you and I really hope both our littles ones stay around.