And the problem with AP in my own house is....UPDATE - Page 2

[meemee]

yes mama you have to stand up.

that is the only way.

you just have to.

there is no other way.

i have a v. intense, sensitive 9 year old who needs 'breaks' for bad behaviour. and i let her have it within means. she understands her boundaries. but to the outsider she looks like a badly behaved child. i have my own friends go off on her. they do have their own issue but i immediately stand up for my dd to cut the crap. i tell her just coz she is like this now at 9 doesnt mean she is going to be the same later on in life (both my friends deal with troubled high school kids and college kids and they see the worst side of them and so their action is kinda coming from a place of love and concern for my child, but neither of them are parents). i tell them they can voice their opinion, but that dd is v. sensitive and it matters a HUGE deal with how you say it, not WHAT you say.

and i just  the parent you are. yeah i've had my 'dog' crawl out of the grocery store happily at the end of a pretend leash rather than a screaming child.

to be honest with you mama i am actually 'happy' that they are there. you are being challenged to stand up for yourself. nothing else will force you to do it. you are going thru unneccesary pain just coz you cant stand up for yourself. once you do this will be like water off the ducks back. i dont know how the visiting dilaw feels about her mil. i am sure she will learn a lot from you standing up for yourself.

i know its not easy living with people - even though you just have to share an entrance.

i also notice the hardliners who give me and my child the hardest time - can come from a place of jealousy and envy. they themselves had a hard childhood and seeing your style of parenting takes them back and lost in that pity party of why couldnt i have a mom like you - it comes out all bad.

one of the great things about turning 40 is that you can actually see where most of these 'attackers' are coming from and instead of anger you feel a lot of compassion for them, so that when you put up the 'hands off lady' stance it comes across kindly to them rather than aggressive which a lot of times takes the wind out of their sail.

[BRmama]

Originally Posted by Petronella 

Why do you have to interact with your tenants at all, let alone their guests?!  They are renting your basement - so why don't they stay there?  Why are they in your kitchen?  Does the rental arrangement include kitchen access?  I'm sorry if I'm peppering you with questions but I don't understand how this situation has arisen where you feel disrespected in your own home! 

It's okay,  the people renting our basement are actually not that bad. They do stay down there most of the time and they're great tenants despite our parenting differences. She tried once to discipline my child from eating off the floor and I just sort of put her in her place by letting MY child continue eating off the floor. (Seems like everyone that comes over to my house has a problem with that). The rental arrangement includes them doing absolutely their own thing in their apartment and they've been great about that. It's her MIL that I have a problem with. Apparently she thinks she can do and say whatever she wants to my kids and I. 

It doesn't even matter what the arguments are about - CIO, AP, discipline, whatever...the issue IMO is that you have these non-related people in your living space who are rude and obnoxious!  Where is your husband in all of this?  They're HIS friends, not yours?  So he goes out of town and leaves you to deal with the whole bunch of them, alone?  Nice. 

Unfortunately he has to work and he didn't realize that she was going to be so obnoxious. He's very mad about the situation but can't do anything from where he is at about it. Though believe me I've talked to him already and we decided that we're never again opening our homes up to the husband's side of the family. 

Whose idea was it to rent space to them? 

mutual

Is there a reason why these people have not been told to stay out of your living space?  Are you afraid of them? 

I'll admit YES! I know I shouldn't be but never in my life did I think I'd be in a situation like this.  Maybe my confidence level will come with age...dk but it's been really hard taking care of my boys the way i want to by myself without family around and on top of that putting up with obnoxious people. I've already cried about this because in the end it's my children that suffer.

Also, are you sure that they're leaving in a month?  They sound pretty comfortable and entrenched right where they are.  Have they been given written notice to vacate?

Oh with my dh by my side we'll make sure of it :). Also I'll be posting a thread on how relieved I'll be to have my home back again.

 His wife and children are being bullied in their own home.  It's insane. 

Basically that's what's going on. Funny you mentioned it because when I talked to my husband crying that's what I said.

Originally Posted by Quinalla 

Wow, I am so livid for you! What she should have done is say "Hey OP, do you know your son has his bowl on the floor?" and keep her mouth shut otherwise!

So true but some people are not educated enough I guess

Anyway, I probably would have gotten into it with her and it would not have been pretty, but I also have been there where you are so mad, but just don't know what to say. Take heart that sh e is being completely rude and out-of-bounds to boot.

 

Thank you

Originally Posted by limabean 

Your new planned response sounds good. You're right that there's absolutely no need to justify, explain, or defend your parenting with these people -- every time you do, they think that you're open for debate about your parenting choices.

Just be blithe and distracted, and say things like, "Hmm, interesting. Well, enjoy your visit with your son and DIL!" and go hold the basement door open with a bland smile on your face, giving them the message to go downstairs. If they remain upstairs, say, "This is my family's private living space. Have fun visiting downstairs, bye now!" 

Yeah I'll definitely have to do that.

You could also talk with the DIL. Maybe jokingly say something like, "Hey, can you have your DH talk to his mom about staying downstairs with you guys when she visits? She's really critical of me for some reason, and I have my own MIL to deal with, I don't need another one!" 

That's true, great idea thanks.

Originally Posted by _ktg_ 

I'm not sure how being AP is against the "norm" or how an individual's decision about a possible c/section has much to do with this issue

Well maybe the fact that she's choosing a c/section has nothing to do with it, but everything else has a lot do with it. Everything I do is AP. I nurse when my baby feels like it, I don't do cio, my kids sleep on my bed etc. I don't shout about it for everyone to know but I also shouldn't change or be forced to change my ways for anybody including her

I think you as a mom need to be able to shut down those interactions with simple phrases, as "thanks, but that's not how we handle things for MY family" and if interference continues to ask them to leave the room and then talk to your tenants as they need to address this with their FAMILY since they are their guests.

I wish it were that easy. I know I'm being forced to stand up to my values about parenting and I guess that's a good thing.  

Originally Posted by meemee 

yes mama you have to stand up.

that is the only way.

you just have to.

there is no other way.

i have a v. intense, sensitive 9 year old who needs 'breaks' for bad behaviour. and i let her have it within means. she understands her boundaries. but to the outsider she looks like a badly behaved child. i have my own friends go off on her. they do have their own issue but i immediately stand up for my dd to cut the crap. i tell her just coz she is like this now at 9 doesnt mean she is going to be the same later on in life (both my friends deal with troubled high school kids and college kids and they see the worst side of them and so their action is kinda coming from a place of love and concern for my child, but neither of them are parents). i tell them they can voice their opinion, but that dd is v. sensitive and it matters a HUGE deal with how you say it, not WHAT you say.

and i just  the parent you are. yeah i've had my 'dog' crawl out of the grocery store happily at the end of a pretend leash rather than a screaming child.

Wow and I thought I was the only one lol. Sure beats crying.

to be honest with you mama i am actually 'happy' that they are there. you are being challenged to stand up for yourself. nothing else will force you to do it. you are going thru unneccesary pain just coz you cant stand up for yourself. once you do this will be like water off the ducks back. i dont know how the visiting dilaw feels about her mil. i am sure she will learn a lot from you standing up for yourself.

i know its not easy living with people - even though you just have to share an entrance.

i also notice the hardliners who give me and my child the hardest time - can come from a place of jealousy and envy. they themselves had a hard childhood and seeing your style of parenting takes them back and lost in that pity party of why couldnt i have a mom like you - it comes out all bad.

one of the great things about turning 40 is that you can actually see where most of these 'attackers' are coming from and instead of anger you feel a lot of compassion for them, so that when you put up the 'hands off lady' stance it comes across kindly to them rather than aggressive which a lot of times takes the wind out of their sail.

Thank you soooo much for your post. I know I need to hear it. In the end it comes down to I need to stand up for myself and my kids and the things that I believe and do around my home. I just wish it were that easy irl. 

[Hoopin' Mama]

Put on your nicest smile and say "thanks, but dispensing parenting advice is not in the rental agreement. Now if you'll excuse us, this is our family area." and glance towards the basement door. Or - Yes, well, my house my rules.

The nerve of some people.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

This is not your family nor your guests.  There is no reason whatsoever that you should have to  interact with them.  I would be angry even if they were praising your parenting if they were in my space uninvited.  This isn't even a roommate situation where both families are equal partners in the space.  These people are trespassing.  Do not even get into a discussion about your parenting.  Do not even acknowledge that they are commenting on your parenting.  Simply say "This is private space.  Please continue/return to (the other family's name) space."  This way you avoid all discussion and need not feel defensive.  It addresses the real problem -- these people are invading your space and have the nerve to criticize what you are doing to boot!

If the rental arrangement is going to be long-term, you might investigate what it would take to create a private entrance for the rental unit.

[SkyMomma]

There is a potential positive in all this -- you are modeling for your soon-to-be a mama tenant some alternatives to the baby-training persepective she seems most exposed to.  That's awesome!  And as much as its not your job to educate the clueless, rude, un-boundaried guests of guests, being pre-exposed to a more child-led way of parenting may help pave the way if her dil does end up adapting some AP ideas.  Not saying you should put up with this, just that you never know the positive impact you may have :)

[jenrose]

My sister and her husband live with us, but in a separate house. One of the rules of the house is that I get to send them home, and I don't have to have a reason. "I need some space right now, could you come back another time?"  I've even set limits about what times they are allowed to come into the main house (i.e. between noon and 10 pm only). I need to not have doors opening and closing a lot at 8 am on the weekends. I need to have conversations not happening at the bottom of the stairs when I'm sleeping. I need to have down time when I'm not interacting with ANYONE after the kids are in bed. 

And I say NOTHING about how they parent their child in their own house unless asked for specific advice...but I do have limits for how kids behave in mine, and out in the front part of the property.   So their daughter gets sent home if she starts screaming, or whining, or demanding things without using good manners, or if she's out front without parental supervision (she's two.)

Setting clear limits about what is appropriate in each spaces is vital. And I would absolutely NOT tolerate someone lecturing me on parenting in my own house, not ever. "You get to raise your kids how you see fit. If you can't respect my right to do the same, you need to go downstairs."

[MoonlessNightx]

This whole thing is just ridiculous.  

I think you should go up to the tenants MIL and say, "I'm curious, this advice you're giving me, is that how your parents raised you?" And when she says yes or no or asks why or whatever say, "I'm just making sure because I don't want to take any advice that might cause my children to grow up to be as rude and obnoxious as you are."

[Alphaghetti]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama 

Put on your nicest smile and say "thanks, but dispensing parenting advice is not in the rental agreement. Now if you'll excuse us, this is our family area." and glance towards the basement door. Or - Yes, well, my house my rules.

The nerve of some people.

 

[BRmama]

Thank you everyone for the replies. Just wanted to let everyone know that the couple that are here on our basement were never a problem. His family however were major problems. In particular his mom. Even when his family didn't sleep here anymore they were here all the time. So the good thing about this is that I learned to stand up for myself and my kids. Before they left we all walked to the park near my house. Basically I had to hear about how it's sooo wrong that the kids are off schedule and how grandma was rocking and singing the baby to sleep and then they had to force cio on him (not the newborn twins, this baby is one of the cousins), and how she was holding him a lot and all this crap! I basically removed myself from that situation but imagine their shock when I'm nursing my baby on my couch to sleep, or rocking my two year old and singing him to sleep on our bed. I don't publicly announce that we're ap but come to my house and you'll find out. I may not have been good with words but I hope my actions speak louder than words. At one point I told them this. (As we were talking about it and I had my dh there for support) Training is something you do with animals. I train my dog, my babies however I don't train. I educate! I felt so much better after that and you could hear a pin drop after that in my living room nobody said anything. His family left a few weeks ago. Since they've left it's just been bliss! I just wanted to say again thanks for all your posts. I basically came here to read your posts for support while they were here.  

The sad thing is that she decided that she'll only nurse her twins for six months. I made the mistake to tell her I started solids for my babies at six months. However it doesn't mean I didn't stop nursing and they know that because they see me nurse my ten month old openly all over the place. She told me something about how bm isn't good anymore after six months. That's obviously not true otherwise my ds would not be thriving. Anyway they leave on the 17th and we're sooo happy even though we'll miss them. They're my dh's friends but they became mine and we used to hang out on friday nights before they had their babies along with our other friends. 

Also on another note, my two yr. old picky eater has now increased his appetite to other foods that I'm making for him so something that I'm doing must be working and we're really excited! 

[limabean]

I'm glad things are going well, OP! Good for you for standing up for yourself, and I'm glad you'll have your house back to yourself soon, even though it sounds like these people are close friends (who have annoying parents).