Teaching a 15 month old??? How can I do it gently? He is going to hurt me

[Amanda1]

We have friends who use time outs for EVERYTHING and I hate it, "you're crying? go to time out" "walking with a cup of water? time out", their son (2 years) listens very very well but he is also very insecure and whiny.

My boy is very happy, outgoing and usually great to be around, but he is starting to push his limits,

He has went through stages of biting, but we taught him to kiss instead and it seems to work mostly

Now he has started head butting when he doesn't get his way or is told no. We have been trying to tell him you don't hit with your head, it hurts mommy/ daddy but it is not working and I am scared he's going to break my nose!

I was putting him to bed tonight and he bit my nipple, I told him we were done nursing cause you cant bite mommy, next thing I knew he had head butted me right on my nose, HARD, I yelled in pain and started crying, I was sure my nose was broken, its not but its bruised and sore.

What can I do? we told him he hurt mommy, he looked at his feet and said owww (where he had a cut on his foot before) then started laughing

Is this normal? Anyone have any ideas?

[jlsmama]

This is so hard and so frustrating...I empathize with you.

Do you have any sense of why he bit you? Or why he headbutted you?

It is the most difficult to do in these moments, but it is always the first thing I try to do...try to identify the child's feelings and needs that are behind the behavior, and reflect them back to him. There is always a feeling and a need (if not more than one) behind a problem behavior (as well as pleasing behaviors). They do not know how to express them in any other way yet but by instinctual, impulsive action (biting, headbutting, spontaneous hugging, etc.). Was he bored, playful, sad or frustrated when he bit you? Do you think he was angry, scared, or playful when he headbutted you? What might he be needing from you at the moment he does those things? These are the questions I ask myself when my son acts out.

I have found that the worse the behavior, the more my son needs me to pour on the love and empathy. I try to match the intensity of my empathy and curiosity to the intensity of feeling I sense he must be having to act out in this way. It tends to neutralize the energy immediately.

I would suggest doing whatever you can to store up and shore up your emotional energy so that when these things happen, you can harness all of it (because we need every ounce, right?) to refrain from doing what you feel like doing and instead take a few (or many) deep breaths, and as calmly as possible, reflect back to him, "You seem angry or sad about something. What is the matter? Is it...?" Or, "You were curious..." or "...being playful, but biting is not okay. It hurts Mommy. Mommy will have a boo boo if you bite." Then allow him to continue nursing and nonchalantly watch like a hawk for any sign that it might happen again so you can intercept and emotionally check in again. 

In general, I find that this approach works better with my son than punishments and scolding. It takes repetition, patience, and consistency, but it has made our relationship happier and closer, even despite some "bad days".

Also, his laughing at the idea of having hurt you is not an indication of a problem because developmentally he is not capable of demonstrating empathy or impulse control in this way. When I've experienced it with my son, I've sensed that it is actually an indication that the emotional tone of the conversation is too intense for him and he is laughing as a way to release the anxiety/stress. I've found that it helps to adjust the intensity and amount of information I share in telling my little one when he is responsible for my pain, discomfort or distress according to his developmental capacities. It won't be until he reaches adulthood that he *fully* understands the impact his behaviors have had on me. Your son will likely stop doing the problem behavior if the need behind the behavior is addressed.

I read or heard somewhere once, "A met need goes away." It's kind of my parenting mantra and it seems to usually work for me.

Wishing you some good days.

[katelove]

I don't actually think you can teach them not to do those things at this age (my LO is 15 months too). As the PP said they don't have empathy or impulse control and neither do they understand that they can hurt someone else.

When J hits us or headbutts like that it is always because she's frustrated about something. If I can hold her safely so she can't hurt me then I do that. If I can't then I move away so she can't hurt me. I empathise with her and try to put her feelings into words for her. Then I offer a distraction or an alternative.

If I'm not quick enough with the above and she actually hurts me I tell her that what she did really hurt and move away. If it only hurt a little bit, like when she's just a bit over-enthusiastic with her hands I say "gentle pats" and guide her hand to pat or stroke me gently.

With biting I move away and give her something else to bite. Ideally a teething toy but today I had nothing else so I rolled the hem of my shirt and got her to bite that.

Hope your nose is feeling better soon.

[Amanda1]

Thank you for your amazing post, it's nice to have someone else's view on things.

He didnt bite me very hard, it was more just playing because he wasnt ready to go to sleep (even though it was 10:30) but I have been trying to teach him his teeth are not involved in nursing, even if he's playing. It ususaly works and he moves on to playing with something else.

I guess this time he was not happy about it and since it was dark I didnt see the head butt coming. He does not like to be told no, I guess maybe he was frustrated with me?

He does know that its wrong to hit, he often says "bold" ( daddys work for bad)  while or right after hes hitting someone. I also think he thinks its funny maybe? He'll hit and then have a big grin on his face

I think maybe rather than being too intense maybe we need to be a bit more serious. After DH came in and insured my nose wasnt actually broken we tried to get his attention to tell him he hurt me, but by that time he was happy daddy had joined us in bed and was playing away and hardly noticed we were talking, except when he heard the word owwie... which made him think of his foot

He gets fairly constant attention all day, we are not perfect but we try to keep him stimulated

Anyways, I guess I'll keep a light on while going to sleep so I can see whats happening and keep trying to remember his feelings control his actions and this is what needs to be addressed

And I love this "A met need goes away", it might need to go up on my wall

Thanks again!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jlsmama 

This is so hard and so frustrating...I empathize with you.

Do you have any sense of why he bit you? Or why he headbutted you?

It is the most difficult to do in these moments, but it is always the first thing I try to do...try to identify the child's feelings and needs that are behind the behavior, and reflect them back to him. There is always a feeling and a need (if not more than one) behind a problem behavior (as well as pleasing behaviors). They do not know how to express them in any other way yet but by instinctual, impulsive action (biting, headbutting, spontaneous hugging, etc.). Was he bored, playful, sad or frustrated when he bit you? Do you think he was angry, scared, or playful when he headbutted you? What might he be needing from you at the moment he does those things? These are the questions I ask myself when my son acts out.

I have found that the worse the behavior, the more my son needs me to pour on the love and empathy. I try to match the intensity of my empathy and curiosity to the intensity of feeling I sense he must be having to act out in this way. It tends to neutralize the energy immediately.

I would suggest doing whatever you can to store up and shore up your emotional energy so that when these things happen, you can harness all of it (because we need every ounce, right?) to refrain from doing what you feel like doing and instead take a few (or many) deep breaths, and as calmly as possible, reflect back to him, "You seem angry or sad about something. What is the matter? Is it...?" Or, "You were curious..." or "...being playful, but biting is not okay. It hurts Mommy. Mommy will have a boo boo if you bite." Then allow him to continue nursing and nonchalantly watch like a hawk for any sign that it might happen again so you can intercept and emotionally check in again. 

In general, I find that this approach works better with my son than punishments and scolding. It takes repetition, patience, and consistency, but it has made our relationship happier and closer, even despite some "bad days".

Also, his laughing at the idea of having hurt you is not an indication of a problem because developmentally he is not capable of demonstrating empathy or impulse control in this way. When I've experienced it with my son, I've sensed that it is actually an indication that the emotional tone of the conversation is too intense for him and he is laughing as a way to release the anxiety/stress. I've found that it helps to adjust the intensity and amount of information I share in telling my little one when he is responsible for my pain, discomfort or distress according to his developmental capacities. It won't be until he reaches adulthood that he *fully* understands the impact his behaviors have had on me. Your son will likely stop doing the problem behavior if the need behind the behavior is addressed.

I read or heard somewhere once, "A met need goes away." It's kind of my parenting mantra and it seems to usually work for me.

Wishing you some good days.

[jlsmama]

so glad you found it helpful :)

katelove, i like your suggestions, too.

amanda1, if you're on facebook, check out the groups "Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond" and "Parent2ParentU." If you "like" their pages, their posts will show on your newsfeed. I find this a great way to both receive the encouragement I need from time to time and to find really helpful articles that address my daily challenges.

blessings!

[jlsmama]

I've also found that the more time I spend focusing on the problem behavior, the more tempted DS is to try it again, I think because it inadvertently becomes reinforcement for the attention he is usually craving. If I gently but firmly communicate that the problem behavior is not okay, offer an alternative way to express his need, and then give him the attention in another way, he learns that he doesn't need to do the problem thing in order to get what he wants, and he learns healthy and non violent ways of communicating his needs. It takes lots of repetition and consistency, but it works.

Also, you mention he hates being told no. Who doesn't, right?!

It sounds to me like he wanted to play and became frustrated when you focused on the biting rather than his desire to play. His tiredness probably added to how quickly and intensely his frustration rose into impulsive action. Maybe he'd respond better to something like, "Oh! (following the bite) [breathe to calm if needed] You bit me. Do you want to play? (See how he responds, and adjust your reflection accordingly.) Say (or sign), "play!" It is so fun when we play, I know. But right now is time for resting, and you are sleepy. Can you breathe with me to help us rest and relax? Would you like me to sing you a song while you have your milk?"

I think the "bold" while hitting someone is a literal physical manifestation of the internal struggle he is having but is yet too young to comprehend or master...how to control impulse and how to cope with the intensity/confusion of mom and dad's responses to it. The only way he may know how to make sense of it is to think of it as a game (after all, play is a child's means of cognitively processing stimuli). Again, the laughing may also be, in part, release of any anxiety he might begin to feel anticipating an intense response from you.

Okay, I'll stop now.