I need some good single mama vibes to come my way.

[Kaitlyn811]

Hello all my single mamas out there,

I've come looking for words and reassurance and encouragement. Long story to be put as short as possible, I left my child's father in June. I'm due in January. He's an alcoholic. I lived with him 600 miles away from my family, that's when I moved back here (Ohio) in June to get away from him. I knew in June I was pregnant, I didn't care because it was only getting worse if I stayed. 

Anyway, these last few months we've been apart it's been hot and cold hot and cold. I was allowing him to fly up here to be with me for my daughter's 20 week ultrasound. He promised me til he was blue in the face he'd be here. In a shocking turn of events, he wasn't. He's done nothing but really let me down these last few months and I'm questioning when I just need to be done with it. 

I want to be a family so bad, but in my eyes it's all black and white. We are either together through it all - or we won't be at all. I won't allow my daughter to know her father's disappointments. So today, I feel sad and broken..but knowing deep down I just need to find forgiveness in my heart for his stupid actions and let him go. I don't want to be a family for years and then it not work out and she wonder what happened and ask me where dad is..etc. Is this over the top? 

One of my biggest fears, is not being able to support her and myself financially. I have a wonderful family who are allowing me to live here with her, for minimal rent. She'll have her own room and I'll have mine, my dad has gone to great lengths to make us all one big happy family. ( My household consists on my dad, mom, brother, his girlfriend, myself, and the soon to be baby, and a doggie, and 3 cats if they count too..lmbo..in a less than 1500 sq ft house.) But I still have major things to pay for, my car being one of them, insurance, gas, her things, my things, I don't have insurance so I'm on a payment plan with doctor's visits. I'm also paying for school out of pocket since I didn't qualify for any financial aid. I feel SCARED and trapped. How am I going to do this all on my own? 

Another fear of mine, although it may be irrational, I think I just want some words of reassurance with this one..is that she won't grow up to be a productive member of society, that she won't love me as much because I chose to keep her father out of this..I don't know how else to word it. I just don't want her growing up to be one of 'those' girls. I want a well mannered little girl who will grow up to be a well mannered adult, without daddy issues. I fear her having daddy issues so bad. I know my dad is a great influence, but is it really the same?

Alright, if anyone reads all this and responds I will be eternally grateful. I'm sorry it turned into such a book. ):

[insidevoice]

Well, first, you really CAN'T choose to keep her father out of it.  YOU may not choose to have a relationship with him, but she still should, and he has a  right to have a relationship with her.  You can't control how that will play out. In fact, single parents often have less control of how that goes than coupled parents. He will have visitation, and since there is a significant distance, as she is older, he will have longer blocks of time with her- in all probability.

Is another male influence the same as Dad, no.  But, she does have a dad and they have to figure that relationship out together.  Of course she may have "daddy issues"  or any other number of issues, we all just do the best we can as parents.  We try to provide our kids with the tools to do their best with what they have, we can't provide a perfect world for them because that just doesn't exist. 

FWIW, my dd does not have her bio-dad in her life.  He was involved early on, but he opted not to be involved after I left.  I tried to facilitate a relationship between them, but he opted not to be involved.  His rights have been terminated, and my DH is DD's Dad- we were married just before she was five. I don't lie to her about her dad, but I also refuse to vilify him.  Additionally, if she chooses to contact him, she is free to do that. 

I can tell you, that for me, leaving him was the best choice I ever made.  He became a terrible person, and I am a better parent without being involved with him.  Single parenthood is hard, but it sounds like you have fabulous family support, and you can make your way through it all if you choose.  No point now in worrying about the what ifs. Just provide her with love and do the best you can with your life, and deal with questions as they come up.  She will have a relationship with her dad that doesn't really need to involve you.  Be supportive and loving and hang in there. :)

[tccandlsccmom]

This sounds SO hard.  First, be gentle with yourself right now....and focus on the right now and near future.

Second, I agree with pp that a dad is a dad and he can legally be involved.  So you can separate yourself, but there may be other things that develop over time.  Don't worry too much about those yet, though.  Take care of yourself.  I "should" have left my ex before I did on many levels, but I had to let things unfold.  I had to be in the right place.  It would have been harder to get there, frankly, if I were pregnant.  So again, be gentle with yourself.  

One other thing...I wonder why you don't qualify for financial aid, etc. --- can you get some advice on getting help there so the expenses aren't weighing you down?  Also, you might qualify for medicaid, etc.  Just thoughts.

[Kaitlyn811]

I've never been the kindest person to myself.. ): He had at one point offered to sign over his parental rights, but that was before we knew it was a girl so that may have changed things. I'm so foolish to keep letting him hurt me in hopes things will change for the better. But it's so hard to put in words, how high of hopes I had for he and I. I moved 600 miles away to be with him..to have a family and a life together. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it all. 

As far as financial aid is concerned, I'm extremely and completely embarrassed to admit that on the medical front - I applied to healthy start which is Ohio's free insurance plan for pregnant women and children. I haven't heard anything from them in the month+ I applied so I assume I don't qualify, and the hospital wants their money. They take into account my parents income, my brother's and his girlfriend's even though their incomes did not help me in the least. I applied for financial aid for school and the only thing I qualified for was a loan. If I don't qualify in the next year, I'm definitely not going to be able to continue to go. I can't afford the tuition or the ridiculous prices they ask for textbooks. Even on half.com and other sites, when I need 5 books it's still expensive.