Husband against childbirth classes...what to do?

[dds07]

I let my DH talk me out of taking childbirth classes with my 1st baby because I planned to have an epidural. This time, I really want a natural childbirth without drugs and I really would like to take a full Bradley childbirth class. I brought it up today, and he said that he doesn't want to. I explained that it is something important to me and he kind of made fun of me and said he really doesn't want to do it.

I know he gets annoyed when I talk too much about baby stuff while I'm pregnant- although this pregnancy he is out of town 4 days per week, so he can't get too much. Plus I'm having to deal with a lot working full time, caring for our 4 year old and being alone a lot of the time. You all understand that being pg isn't easy! He just doesn't get how important a part of a woman's life pregnancy and birth is- at least it is for me.

I've actually asked my MIL to come to the birth itself (hospital) since I know DH really isn't "into it" (doesn't like blood, etc.), so I won't be totally relying on him anyway.

So what do I do? I need his support to be able to go to the classes...I can't really go by myself. He has a really bad attitude toward it for some reason and it really hurts my feelings. I don't want to push it and make his attitude even worse. Should I drop it and not do them since he obviously has a bad attitude and could possibly ruin them for me? Or force him to go anyway?? 

[lizsky]

I'm sorry his attitude has not been supportive.  Bradley classes are a big time commitment (I think maybe 12 weeks?) so that might contribute to his reluctance.  But maybe you could talk to him about how this isn't important to him, but its really important to you and that its one of those moments in your marriage where you would so appreciate if he could do it anyways simply because he loves you, even if he doesn't understand its importance.  A book like "the birth partner" by Penny Simpkin might help to give him some background into what you need from a partner in labor and birth.  

However, if this is his current attitude, it might also be a good idea to arrange the support that you will need at your birth regardless of whether your DH changes his thinking or not.  If you have a close relationship with your MIL, I think having her attend and be a support person is a good idea.  A good doula would be a really good idea- she will be completely on board with your wishes for a natural birth and she will have lots of experience in helping women through the challenging moments in labor.  She could be your main support person, or she could be a support in conjunction with your DH (and possibly MIL) and give him pointers on how he can help you.  

A close friend of mine is married to a guy who is a great dad and generally a solid husband, but really struggled with seeing blood and with seeing his wife in pain- instead of trying to help, he was sort of frozen and anxious.  At first she was very frustrated and was trying to figure out how to get him to be a better birth partner for her next birth, but eventually realized that knowing him, he wasn't likely to ever change significantly, so she hired a doula to be her primary support person.  She says her next 2 births with the doula were great and that she felt completely supported.  She and her DH also felt more peace as a couple because her DH was able to participate to the extent he was comfortable without feeling guilty about leaving her unsupported. 

[zinemama]

I second asking your MIL to go with you to the childbirth classes. If you're close enough that you want her at the birth, it would be a great bonding experience for the two of you.

It's a terrible shame that your husband isn't man enough to be the supportive partner you deserve. And it doesn't sound as if he simply has a problem with blood, either. He just seems uncaring and insensitive. Maybe at some point in your marriage that will change. But for now, your first priority is lining up the support you will need for childbirth. I would drop the idea of trying to get him to go to the classes and focus your energy on arranging things so that you and your MIL (or maybe another close friend) can go. You need someone on your side during labor. Get that someone lined up now. Good luck.

[Beccadoula]

I suggest that you try to get him to attend just one - get a feel for what they are doing.  It could be that seeing other men involved and getting a feel for what it is like might really boost his interest.  I've seen a lot of dads as a doula and some just take to birth better than others - however, with the right training a lot of dads who thought they weren't into that stuff turned into real advocates.  Some of the most passionate dads during labor are men who were not about to go to that silly birth class...so don't give up.  There comes a time in nearly every labor when a mom looks to her husband for support and he needs to know what he's doing.  BUT - if he just refuses I really do recommend that you have your MIL along and just make the best of it.  The ideal birth is unique to you and your family situation...it is not set in stone.  A good doula also might be able to get him involved during the labor without him going for "training"...?

[Beccadoula]

In fact...there are a lot of men who are worried they won't be good support - maybe if you hire a doula to take that burden off his shoulders a bit he'll be more able to emotionally connect to the situation.  Men are wired totally different than women and if a situation is overwhelming to them emotionally they shut down to handle it...this doesn't work out well in labor but with a good support person encouraging him and talking him through the events the majority of men do really well and walk away feeling good and having really connected with the birth experience.  Please don't write him off as a jerk who just won't get with it - there may be extremely complex issues going on in his mind that he just can't process.  I know what I am talking about from several years of working as a doula - the men need support and encouragement, sometimes more than the women do.  :)

[dds07]

Originally Posted by zinemama 

I second asking your MIL to go with you to the childbirth classes. If you're close enough that you want her at the birth, it would be a great bonding experience for the two of you.

 

I'd love to have her come, but she lives in another state, so it isn't an option, AND we just moved here, so I don't actually have any friends :( MIL is planning to come 2 weeks before my due date, though.

[Autumn Breeze]

Why not take a comprehensive childbirth education class, an independent one, and read the Bradley books at home.

But in all honesty if he's not wanting to get on board with supporting you, you might want to consider hiring a doula, one that can teach you CBE as well. Two birds, one stone. You'll have someone there who's job is to support you, and you and your husband can get the education you're hoping for.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by dds07 

I'd love to have her come, but she lives in another state, so it isn't an option, AND we just moved here, so I don't actually have any friends :( MIL is planning to come 2 weeks before my due date, though.

Oh, that's too bad. In that case, I would definitely hire a doula and take a childbirth class on your own.

[Mummoth]

Is there a private/at home class in your area? He might be more comfortable if it's just the two of you and a teacher.

[Adaline'sMama]

I would hire a doula and take childbirth classes alone, but probably not Bradley classes. The Bradley Method really focuses on Husband Coached Childbirth, which if your DH isnt on board, there is really no point. Is he going to massage your back for 3 hours while you are in labor? Is he going to hold pressure to your lower back for long periods of time? Is he going to help you relax, and find a mental place to go to to get through the pain?

If the answers are no, then I would recommend a different class. I second the idea of getting him a copy of "The Birth Partner", but to me it sounds like he views this as your deal, and he doesnt really want to spend hours and hours learning how to help you during labor.

[Sasha's Mama]

I had a pretty medicalized first birth (not that anything was actually wrong with me), which resulted in a c-section. My husband never understood why I was upset about that or why I really didn't want to have the same experience the second time. It was a lot of me crying in frustration and him being confused because "they saved our baby."  

I had this fantasy plan for future births that my husband and I would take Bradley classes and he would be super supportive and just as into everything as I was. Well, it didn't exactly go that way when we found out we were expecting again! My husband and I had this talk at the beginning of this pregnancy, and the conclusion we came to was that we would hire a doula, he would help my mom watch the kids, and then he would be called back in for the actual birth. I am taking private childbirth classes in my home since I feel that there are some things that I need to work on and he didn't understand why he had to be there too if he wasn't going to be there as labor supprt. My husband is a great husband and dad, but really birth is not his thing and no amount of thinking he's a jerk or that he's being unsupportive is going to change that.

Honestly, ever since we decided that I will have a doula for my primary support, he has been so wonderful and supportive this pregnancy! I haven't had to deal with soothing his anxieties and insecurities about what will happen during labor and I've been able to focus on being a lot more calm and looking forward to the birth instead.

[dot1]

Ditto hiring a doula.  

My dh attended a mainstream childbirth class with our first but honestly I could tell it was a huge stretch and he didn't want to be there.  I tried to sell it as a way to meet other dads.  He's not any more into this pregnancy either.  I did manage to drag him to a free intro workshop to "Birthing from Within" (3 hours)...and it was great b/c he had to hold onto an ice cube and breathe through the pain with me!  And the instructor emphasized the importance of creating a sacred birth space (where a woman can let go of her self-consciousness and go to a meditative place, etc) and the role of the dad in helping ensure a certain atmosphere was maintained and acting as sort of a crowd control person.  Despite the lack of interest in birth/newborn babies, he is now much more into our 4 yr old dd and they enjoy a much closer bond as she gets older.  I think some men just are clueless and intimidated by birth and babies.

Had a doula with our first....and I credit her for helping me have such a manageable quick, drug free labour, despite a medically necessary induction with pitocen.  It took the pressure off dh and I felt supported - which is the most important thing.  Your primary support person should be involved before the birth to ensure they are actually providing the kind of support you need...which is why I would be wary of relying on MIL, unless you know she would be totally on board with learning about natural childbirth.  I would personally want a trained professional if the goal of natural is that important.  

the other advantage of a doula is that when the 3 of you meet together, it might provide that third party/mediating presence that some men need to actually take birth seriously.  You might want to find someone who specializes in "engaging" the dads more.  I would ensure you have a babysitter when/if you do so (so dh doesn't try to duck out of the meeting with the "excuse" of looking after your 4 yr old).  You need his full and undivided attention if you want your needs/concerns to be heard.

Or maybe once he is aware of the fee of a doula, he might change his tune and buck up and attend the classes!  

[loudmama]

This discussion really brings to light the changes in birth. While I think it's great that women & their partners are able to be together during labor & birth if they both want it, I wonder if it forces Dads to be something they just can't be. For centuries, in many cultures, men were out of the birth process. Then in the last 40ish years, men were allowed, then expected to be a part of it. But is that the right thing for every family? I don't have an answer, myself. And I don't think there is a right or wrong about this. Bur I think it's worth discussing in each family.

L

[Beccadoula]

I have worked with several dads that just were not able to emotionally connect they way their wives needed - I'm so glad that women have doulas, sisters, mothers, etc. because in a case like that it can actually be damaging to the marriage if the dad is expected to doula for his wife and he just can't - the wife feels betrayed and let down and the husband feels like a failure and the whole family suffers!

[starrlamia]

just read the new michel odent book and physiologically speaking having more people in the delivery room can actually hinder the labour progress as the neocortex is getting stimulated and several other natural instincts ignored.
 

Originally Posted by loudmama 

This discussion really brings to light the changes in birth. While I think it's great that women & their partners are able to be together during labor & birth if they both want it, I wonder if it forces Dads to be something they just can't be. For centuries, in many cultures, men were out of the birth process. Then in the last 40ish years, men were allowed, then expected to be a part of it. But is that the right thing for every family? I don't have an answer, myself. And I don't think there is a right or wrong about this. Bur I think it's worth discussing in each family.

L