My role as a new step-mom.

[VirginiaP]

I am 48 and am in the process of blending families. I have 3 sons: 21, 20 and 16. My fiance has 2 children: 1- 12 year old girl and 1- 15 year old boy. We have recently all moved in under one roof.

My fiance and his ex have a 50/50 schedule, which consists of week on and week off/ Monday to Monday each week. My sons father hasn't been in their lives for a couple of years, so there is no shared schedule on my side; I have them full time (my 21 yo has recently gone out on his own :)

Here is my struggle. Since I was introduced to my fiance's children approx a year ago, I have always been a part of their activities; soccer games, hockey games, etc. I attended for support for my partner and to show the kids that I support them also. Since the 2 families have moved in together, things have been getting a bit more difficult.

My week with the kids consists of the normal "mom" role: feeding, cleaning, homework, etc, the normal things that kids go to moms for. I have a great relationship with both kids and can't tell you how glued they are to me when they're here. The problem lies with the weeks they are not with us, and here is an example: when I attend their sporting events, the daughter ignores me because her mom is around, but the son treats me as usual.

Now, I know I can't control any of the situation, and I need to get over the hurt and understand where it comes from ( the daughter not wanting to upset her mom), but I struggle with puttting myself in that situation every other week! It hurts to the point of dreading going to the sporting events on the mom's week.

Should I suck it up or step and back take myself out of the situation on the mom's week? I don't want to be selfish or immature, I want to do what's right.

Is the daughter old enough for me to speak with her about this and find out how she's feeling? Or should I just understand it's for her mom?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post :)

[Mom31]

What does your husband suggest? 

[VirginiaP]

He is very supportive but torn. He knows his daughters reaction is due to her mothers influence. Mind you, and I should have stated this in the first post, I am NOT the other woman, so there are no heart feelings in that area. Their mother is the one that actually went out of the marriage.

I am great with kids and usually very straight forward, but this is treading on unfamiliar grounds and Im just not sure how to deal with it.

[Mom31]

I don't think it is a big deal if you don't go on weeks you don't have the kids. Ask the sdd if she wants you to come? She is old enough to say I suppose. My kids have a step mom who comes to some of their functions. It does not bother me and I am glad she supports them.

[-Resque-]

Yeah, I would just let the girl know that you've noticed that she seems a little uncomfortable when you attend on her mom's week, and that this is perfectly fine, and you understand why. She may feel relieved that YOU bring it up; she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings by asking you not to come. Just let her know you completely understand why she feels that way, that you love coming to her games, and intend to come on your weeks as normal, and leave the rest up to her. These things can be so tricky! I think letting her know you will put her needs and comfort first will go a long way.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by -Resque- 

Yeah, I would just let the girl know that you've noticed that she seems a little uncomfortable when you attend on her mom's week, and that this is perfectly fine, and you understand why. She may feel relieved that YOU bring it up; she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings by asking you not to come. Just let her know you completely understand why she feels that way, that you love coming to her games, and intend to come on your weeks as normal, and leave the rest up to her. These things can be so tricky! I think letting her know you will put her needs and comfort first will go a long way.

Yeah, I think talking to her in a very compassionate way -- and making it really really clear that you're not competing for her mom's affections -- would be a good way to go. Be upfront that this is a new situation for everyone and you want her to feel safe and comfortable.