Need to leave a toddler who sleep-nurses all morning... UPDATE #8

[crunchy_mommy]

My 2.5yo sleeps late in the mornings (goes to bed late) and all morning 'til about 10am he sleep-nurses. If for some reason I get out of bed or stop nursing him, he wakes up for the day and is really tired & cranky but especially upset and only lots of mama cuddles seems to soothe him -- and nothing gets him back to sleep. He also gets very scared if he wakes up & I'm not there. So usually I just stay in bed until he's ready to wake up (reading/working on the laptop/etc.) It's a routine I'd love to change but I can't seem to manage that right now, it's the only way he gets adequate sleep. He's not a napper and night sleep was a big struggle until we got this particular routine down.

So I have a week-long training going on next week & will be gone 9+ hours a day. DH will be home with him and even though I've never left DS for more than a very occasional 2-3 hours, I'm sure they will be just fine all day. But I'm worried about the mornings and DS waking up without me in bed with him. I have to leave around 7:30 which is right around when the sleep-nursing marathons tend to start and almost 3 hours before his normal wake-up time. I'm worried about him waking up too early and being way over-tired & miserable and taking weeks to get back on track. I'm worried he will feel traumatized by it and I'm not sure how to prepare him for me not even being in the house when he wakes. Also not sure if I should pump milk & leave it in a cup for him to have when he wakes up?? (Not sure if he would drink it or if I'd even respond to the pump, I work from home so we never had to try that).

And part of me wants to take this opportunity & encourage him to wean completely (or just keep the bedtime session). I'm not sure if we're ready for that but in many ways I've felt *done* for soooo long now. He is only allowed to nurse in the morning with the sleep-nursing and once before bed. But I feel a bit bad about weaning it this way, I don't want him to feel abandoned or something, and I'm concerned it will really have a negative impact on how much sleep he gets (not something we have much wiggle room with!!) I feel quite selfish even considering that.

[insidevoice]

My kids' sleep improved a great deal after we night weaned- and that meant cutting out sleep-nursing marathons with my youngest.  It made a world of difference.  

I'd be inclined to take this as a good opportunity to break that habit and get him on a better sleeping schedule (to bed earlier and up earlier.)  If you aren't there, he'll have to adapt.  Your DH will be able to handle it, and while you may deal with crankiness for a few days, at 2.5 he really can deal with this shift. 

[lifeguard]

I agree with insidevoice.

I think at 2.5 you can certainly prepare him verbally that it is coming. Start telling him a few days in advance that you won't be there in the mornings for the next week so he's not surprised by it. Yes, him & dh are likely to have a couple rough mornings/days but I bet they will figure it out & this will be a big step towards a new routine for you.

You might want to consider extending the papa/dc mornings a little longer than the week if it is going well to really solidify the new routine.

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm interesting, I wasn't expecting that response lol.

I do sense he'd sleep better in the mornings if he wasn't nursing, but it's hard to figure out how to get there. I hate the idea of him being sleep-deprived but I guess at least I won't be home to deal with his crankiness!! I have no problem with him going to bed so late & do feel that's what works best for him, but I guess he will shift into whatever routine he needs once the morning nursing is gone. I guess the real issue is that I feel like this will lead to complete weaning. I guess I am OK with that but I'm not sure, I had my heart set on child-led weaning but was at least hoping to get him through one more winter.

Oh and DH is laid off but desperately looking for a job, so I was trying to keep our schedule consistent and make sure I will still be able to get my hours in at work once I'm back to being home alone again. DS sleeping late is really beneficial to my work schedule so I'm nervous I'll screw that up and then I won't be able to work and we'll lose our health insurance and DS will get sick since he won't have as much immunity from nursing and we'll just end up on the streets.... woah, didn't realize it was such a loaded issue for me lol!!

[insidevoice]

There's a point where they are bridging from toddler to preschool age where it sometimes takes a little extra nudge to help them get to where they need to be, it's almost like they need to know that YOU know they are big kids and can manage before they will get their on their own.  My middle child is three, with a language delay that slowed this down a little for us, but he's hitting that point now, and it's kind of a struggle- however, once I made it clear that I knew he could sleep ok without me right there, and created that expectation, it was a  lot easier for him to do so- and he ultimately was less tired than he was before I pushed the issue a little.  Also at 2.5/3 they don't need you *righthere* quie so much, so you can probably get work done even if he is up and about.  With only one child this worked really well for me, I just set up my child with different activities and redirected her as I needed to.  I worked FT from home and finished FT grad school on line as a single parent.  It can be done, you just have to find the activities that work for your child. :)

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks! Very good points, he is finally starting to entertain himself for 5 or 10 minutes and plus when he needs me he's usually happy to sit on my lap & cuddle while I work & he listens to music. So it might be manageable to get my work done even if he's awake, just might take me a little longer. And I do think he needs a little push but I just want to be sure he's ready and I'm not just doing it for selfish reasons. I know he will sense my confidence level so I feel like I have to be 100% sure (or close to that) so that I can convey that confidence to him. He has some social/emotional delays and sensory issues but has done SOOO great lately -- I just want to be careful not to push him too far. And secretly, I'm afraid if he's nursing less or not at all, that he won't need me anymore and I won't have anything forcing me to take that time for him. I know that's not true, but it's what keeps going through my head!

[voca]

You might be surprised at how well he copes with sleeping without you when you aren't available. The first time I left my daughter and husband alone for a night (at ~19 months) I was worried that it would be terrible, since I have always done 95% of the nighttime parenting. But she was fine, she cuddled in with Daddy and slept happily. (Dad was a little ragged around the edges, apparently he kept waking up needing to check she was still breathing ! ;) ). If you do want to preserve the routine you might find Dad can give him some water when he first stirs and then sit and cuddle with him during the morning.

[crunchy_mommy]

Just an update, we are on day 3 of my week-long training and it is not going well at all

I did end up mostly weaning him last week (he's just nursing once before bed now) but apparently it's not about nursing -- he wants ME there.

He's been crying for over an hour every morning... waking up really early and he can't get back to sleep so he's really overtired... if I haven't left yet, he clings desperately to me & sobs hysterically, begging to come to work with me or for me to stay home etc. It's heart-breaking. If I've already left then he just keeps crying & crying until I call home & talk him down & think of something really REALLY exciting for him to do with DH.

Only 2 more days so I guess we just have to push through but this is so hard... and I'm giving up any hope of being able to get out of bed in the mornings when the training is over.

He is fine most of the day, as long as I call him a few times & DH keeps him really busy (though it's a repeat of the morning if he happens to take a nap). It's the first couple hours of the morning that are so, so tough though. He's just not taking this well at all.

[voca]

I'm so sorry its going so badly. 

[insidevoice]

I'm sorry it's so hard.  It can take a while for a new routine to work, and sometimes you just have to keep going ahead with it.  Just when this training is over, you may get to a point where he is accepting a new normal. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I suppose.

Of course I have had to tell DS 'no' before but this feels different, I feel like I am telling him 'no' to a really deep & legitimate need, as basic as air to breathe. I know most 2yos would be just fine in his shoes but he is just a really sensitive, clingy, mommy-centric kid and it's so hard for him. I was in tears myself when I left this morning.

I am not sure what I'll do when the training is over... I do really want him to learn to stay asleep in bed for an hour or two without me so I can start working out again and stuff. I feel really selfish doing that at his expense though. Maybe it will be easier for him if I'm at least in the house. I don't know.

2 more days. 2 more days. 2 more days....

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I suppose.

Of course I have had to tell DS 'no' before but this feels different, I feel like I am telling him 'no' to a really deep & legitimate need, as basic as air to breathe. I know most 2yos would be just fine in his shoes but he is just a really sensitive, clingy, mommy-centric kid and it's so hard for him. I was in tears myself when I left this morning.

I am not sure what I'll do when the training is over... I do really want him to learn to stay asleep in bed for an hour or two without me so I can start working out again and stuff. I feel really selfish doing that at his expense though. Maybe it will be easier for him if I'm at least in the house. I don't know.

2 more days. 2 more days. 2 more days....

My youngest (also just 2) is JUST learning to stay in bed without me for about half an hour.  His older brother hasn't mastered that yet. It's hard to know what will be best in the long run, but I am beginning to find (I'm slow to figure this out) that when I find the right spot to help them stretch developmentally I need to make the best of it, even if the process is a little uncomfortable to work through. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Well sure enough, this morning went so much more smoothly, so he is sort of OK with it but has been waking up all night clinging desperately to me so I think this has really affected him. Hopefully as long as I'm in the house when he wakes up, he'll be able to deal with me not being in bed every morning. Not sure though, we'll see how it goes now that the training is over. I'm not sure what to do about nursing -- he is still asking to nurse every morning and he really wants his 'wake up milk' but I think I'm just DONE with morning nursing.

My heart hurts though, this was a really tough week (didn't even finish out the day today, I was just too emotionally wrung-out).