I don't think it's willfullness...but wondering what I can DO

[gcgirl]

I'll just jump right in...DS1 (almost 4) seems to never hear us when we say "stop, don't, freeze, put that down, don't throw that, etc...". On the surface one would assume he was just being deliberately willful, but after much observation, I think there is just something going on in his brain that makes him follow through with his planned action (throwing something, touching something we just told him not to, FINISHING whatever action he was working on or going toward) before he actually hears/comprehends what we are saying. Like he can't interrupt his sequence with a verbal interruption. Does that make sense?

I'm wondering if this is, like, a known THING - a personality type or style or brain processing algorithm, and if anyone has suggestions on ways to interrupt it. 

Geez, I hope I'm making sense. I'm going for clarity and just confusing myself.

Anyone?

[meemee]

hmm not sure if i know it as a condition. 

but i can share my story and see if that makes sense to you.

dd is super curious. she is also v. sensory. so to her a rule like see but dont touch was torture. so our rule was touch but not pick up. by 4 i'd change my emergency word from danger to stop. i used it rarely and only when it was a REALLY dangerous situation like a live wire. 

dd also has the personality that if you say no she will do exactly that. 

the thing is because i allowed her that freedom to touch (she still is pretty hands on and is a kinesthetic learner) that on those occasions when she is NOT allowed to touch she does ok with it. 

also when dd gets really engrossed in something she cant 'hear'.

however i am still like that. i hear you talking - but its just babel to my ear as i am not paying attention to your individual words as i'm so engrossed in what i am doing. so while you think you have told me something - i did not hear you. people at my work got used to this and understood when to speak to me and not. there are many times i go back to the person later and ask them what they said coz i wasnt listening. or they need to interrupt me with body gestures like touching me and making conscious eye contact because i am good at looking at you and look like i am listening when i am not. 

[gcgirl]

Thanks for your response! Yeah, I've thought about it being a really mild sensory issues - he did mouth objects (mostly rocks) for a long time and is only reliably out of that stage for the last eight months or so. He also likes to eat dirt when he's tired, but I doubt that's part of this package! 

For the longest time I chalked up his throwing/occasional hitting/"refusal" to follow directions as a stage, but I'm starting to notice other things that make me think it's more of a "how he interacts with the world" thing. He's very much like DH in many ways, including the "not listening" thing. It's not that he isn't listening, just that he's not registering that someone is speaking to him. It's harder to get his attention. DH also is very hands-on, kind of a mechanical genius, really. So I think it's definitely a genetic trait. DH can also have entire conversations with me and later not remember A. SINGLE. THING. we talked about. I guess you have some experience with that too! Good to know he's not just ignoring me (probably).

I know DH and DS aren't autistic, don't really fit into the sensory issue thing, and overall are relatively normal. I just want to figure out a way to communicate with DS without having to yell/scream "Stop! Don't touch that! Put that down!" all the f***ing time. (I actually noticed these characteristics in him BECAUSE I was trying to figure out what triggers make me yell.) 

[tbone_kneegrabber]

The thing is he has to think about *doing* it before he can think about *not* doing it.

This is why people so often talk about phrasing requests and rules in the positive. Ie: walk! Instead of don't run. Sit on the chair instead of don't stand on the chair.

Try figuring out what you want him to do instead of what you don't want him to do (which is easier said than done).

'put the xxx down' might work better than don't throw etc.

[meemee]

yes yes yes. even i dotn hear the dont. or no.

[gcgirl]

I rephrase ALL THE TIME. It's great advice, but it doesn't work for us. :( He just doesn't seem to hear ANY of it until after the fact.