Typical 3 year old stuff or something else?

[Evelynmia'smom]

I am at my wits end with my three year old and while I know some of her behaviors are totally normal, I am starting to become disturbed by some of it. She has recently (past two months) become very aggressive and mean towards her 10 month old sister. I know that sibling rivalry is normal but it's at the point that I can't leave her alone with her younger sister. She has also recently started being aggressive towards other babies. This is what really upsets me. She hit my friend's baby in the head with a drum malet totally out of the blue, she will push and climb on top of older babies/young toddlers at the playground. She also has started screaming in babies faces and in other children's faces. I am considering having her evaluated but I don't want to jump the gun. I fear that I have a little bully on my hands and it is getting to the point where we can't enjoy the playground or playdates anymore. I really don't know where this behavior is coming from. Someone mentioned that she could have some sensory issues and acts out like this when she is overwhelmed. I am not sure though. Any thoughts?

[poetlizabeth]

It wouldn't hurt to get her evaluated, even if she doesn't qualify for services. They may have some suggestions and resources to offer you. It sounds as though her aggression is focused towards babies. How is her language, is she able to express how she feels? Is she in a preschool program? It may help her to be in a environment that is structured and with children her own ages. I think the right high quality preschool with trained staff could be beneficial.

[SweetSilver]

How is her anger in other situations?  Does she seem to have become more aggressive over all?  I ask because around the age of 4 my oldest daughter started getting angry, overwhelmed, just incapable of handling difficult situations.  She's have short bursts of energy, something upset her and she would melt down.  Towards her little sister she would get frustrated and bite (not very hard, though you could see her straining with anger).  So her problems weren't just aimed towards her sister, though that was a part of it.  It turns out she had a new, undiagnosed wheat allergy (she already had a severe dairy allergy).

That is why I asked how her emotions are overall.  If your daughter sounds like mine, I'd start *thinking about* a possible allergy or food sensitivity.  If it is very direct and specific as you have described, probably not.  But I remembered how her nurse, my husband, everybody insisted that dd's behavior was probably age appropriate.  I had serious doubts, but I had no other explanation until she was diagnosed with a wheat allergy and it was eliminated.  Only afterward, when her hostile and emotional behavior disappeared overnight did I make the connection (plus several accidental wheat incidents).

Again, I'm not saying this is the likely explanation, just one that many parents (including me) never even consider.

[Evelynmia'smom]

Thanks for your responses. She is in a program, it just started though. I am going to see what the next few weeks bring and if I get any reports of this type of behavior. In fact on the first day she hit a little girl in the head with a toy out of nowhere. This happened right in front of me, so I don't know if this is stuff that is going on when I am not around. I have wondered about a wheat sensitivity due to unrelated things, like constipation, etc. I don't think that's what is going on. She acts like she really wants to hurt these other kids though (she doesn't because I am always right there) she grits her teeth and almost shakes. She was never like this before. I used to feel so proud because my child never hit or was aggressive towards other kids. I am starting to feel like it's my mothering or that I've handled things in the wrong way or that I should cut back on my affection towards my little one. 

[kayleesmom]

i agree i would go ahead and get her evaluated better to do that then wait and wait n keep worrying.

big hugs keep us posted.

[LROM]

When you say she was never like this before, am I correct that the main life change that has occurred is the birth of your baby?  Is that when things really started to change (or shortly after), or was she changing before this?

If that is the turning point, I still agree that you should go get her evaluated, but I also think a PPs question about language is key.  What is she saying about how she feels?  Do you ask her when she hits a child what made her mad/upset? 

Depending on how much she's able to express herself, some of the answer may be in really trying to take the time to communicate with her more.  But if she's not, that may not help as much.

Also, have you worked out a way to have regular "Mommy and daughter" time with your 3 yr old - totally away from the baby?  Depending on your situation (partner? support?  babysitters?) it may be hard to do multiple times a week, but at least once a week at a regular time, it may help tremendously if you can have someone else watch your baby and take your 3 yr old somewhere (or send baby off and stay home with 3 yr old) but that is time focused solely on her.  I have heard/read this making a HUGE difference with older kids who are trying to adjust to the arrival of their younger sibling and all the emotional stuff that can come up with that.

Is that something you already do or could try to do?