Need some insight--3 month old screaming as soon as nanny leaves

[tekcez]

So I'm trying not to flip out or jump to any crazy conclusions and would appreciate any insight you all may have on this situation.

I just went back to work 2 days per week a couple of weeks ago.  We have a nanny who comes to the house on the days that I work because I just wasn't ready to send him to daycare where he wouldn't get 1:1 attention.  In the past my DS was a gassy, super fussy guy, but now at 3.5 months he is doing much better...except in the evenings after I return from work.  Here's how it goes down.  My husband arrives home around 5:30.  DS is happy and smiley.  Nanny says he was all smiles all day long.  Within 15 minutes he is screaming his head off to the point of busting a blood vessel in his eye.  Seriously, he did that.    

I was concerned the  first few days because he wasn't eating well or sleeping well.  I thought that was what was going on.  Today he took about 9 oz over the course of 8 hours, so that was great.  He took three naps about 1 hour long after I told the nanny how important it was that he sleep during the day.  She was getting him out of his crib after the slightest squeak before.  He usually does about 4 hours worth of napping, so he didn't get as much as usual, but it didn't seem that far off.  I really thought we had figured it out, but today same thing.  

The only thing that gets him to stop screaming his to nurse in the bath tub.  He needs the sound of the tub running, the warm water, and the nakedness next to mama to calm him enough to be able to latch on and hit the "reset" button.  Afterward he is all smiles and coos.  It's a full on pattern at this point.  He never screams this much otherwise.  If he did, I wouldn't be as concerned.  It's just breaking my heart to be away from him all day and then it seems like I'm the one setting him off.  He just screams and writhes and looks at me like, "Please help me!!"  I wonder if he's overstimulated during the day.  I like this nanny.  I get a good vibe from her, and she is taking my direction when I give her goals--as in "Our goal today is to get him to take all of this milk."  "Our goal today is to get him to nap for 4 hours." Or at least she is reporting that we are moving in the right direction.  He gives her big smiles when she comes in.      

So what do you think is going on??  Have any of you ever been through this?  Is there something I could be missing?  Is this just part of the adjustment period?  

[AnkaJones]

My guess is you're the only person he trusts enough to let out all the emotions of being a baby, KWIM?  He has some stress all day, builds up but he doesn't cry to the nanny because she's not his mommy.  Then daddy comes home but it's not you either.  Finally, you get home and he needs to process his stress from the day, and also re-bond with you... remember babies don't really have person permanence -- he doesn't know you're ever going to come home when you leave in the morning.

The good thing is that you've got a nanny rather than him being in day care, so he can over time form an attachment with the nanny.  Then hopefully he won't have so much stress stored up when you get home and things will get better.

Until then, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job in a really hard situation, mama!  I love the bath idea.

Best,

Anka

[tekcez]

Yeah, it does kind of seem like that's what he's doing.  Like he sees me and just let's it all out.  It's so sad though.  Today I got home at 6:30.  He had been screaming with dad since 5:45.  We got into the bath, he nursed to calmness.  We put pjs on, he nursed again, and he was out for the night at 7.  He has been going to bed at 8.  Maybe this is a natural shift for him, but he just seemed exhausted.  I was able to spend about 1 hour with him this morning before going to work.  I don't know what I would do if I was working full-time...anyway...tangent. 

I wonder if should ask the nanny to be a bit more low-key with him.  She told me herself that she doesn't like to "sit around" and wants to be doing something at all times.  DH and I are more than happy to "sit around."   We love our down time, so maybe he's a bit jangled by her energy.  how do you ask someone to not be the way they are, though...

[AnkaJones]

Yeah, when I was like two weeks postpartum I had to go to a meeting at work.  Baby wasn't taking bottle yet, we didn't have any care provider other than DH, and we had never been apart before.  Anyway, I ran in and ran back and listened outside the door to see whether he was crying.  It was silent.  I come in, and he's in dad's lap pretty calm.  So I say, "Oh, things okay?"  The second he heard my voice he started crying hysterically, blue in the face.  Just horrible.  And wouldn't calm down for the longest time.  So, I was crying, he was crying.  Even once I got him latched on to nurse he was wimpering as he nursed.  Horrible!  All of which is to say, I feel for you.

As far as nanny overstim, you could always try asking, KWIM?  She might feel like you hired her to do something, and not feel comfortable with the fine art of doing nothing.  Maybe you could set guidelines, like from 10 am. to 2 pm no activities?  Dunno.  It's a hard problem.

Best,

Anka

[mamazee]

For a lot of babies, whether their moms work or not, the early evening is "witching hour", or a time when they cry a lot. My older dd cried starting around 5:30 every night, and a lot of babies do. My guess is that's just his crying time and has nothing to do with the nanny or you.

[tekcez]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

For a lot of babies, whether their moms work or not, the early evening is "witching hour", or a time when they cry a lot. My older dd cried starting around 5:30 every night, and a lot of babies do. My guess is that's just his crying time and has nothing to do with the nanny or you.

I would think the same think if he did it everyday, but it's only on the days that the nanny is here.  Other evenings he is definitely fussy around this time and high maintenance, wants to be walked around non-stop, but he doesn't scream like that anymore.  
 

     Quote:

Originally Posted by AnkaJones 

Even once I got him latched on to nurse he was wimpering as he nursed.  Horrible!  All of which is to say, I feel for you.

Yes, he whimpers and does that breath-catching thing like his body is still in the throes of freakout and he's barely hanging on by a nipple.  Then he still does the breath-catching thing after he has fallen asleep.  So traumatic.  I'm definitely going to give her some guidelines about how much activity he needs and how much sleep he needs.  He's not on a particular napping or feeding schedule because I've always just read his cues and let him nurse on demand.  But I'm starting to see how difficult it might be for someone who's not the mama to read him.

[mamazee]

Hmm it might be a combination of factors then. Partly that it is his "witching hour", and partly that he's relaxing and letting off some steam when you get back. I bet he outgrows it when babies outgrow that witching hour thing though. It does sound frustrating. Hugs!

[tekcez]

Good news!  Less screaming this evening.  I made a loose sleep schedule for the nanny today.  He still didn't nap as well as I would have liked, but I'm guessing it will get better with time.  He was just vigorously crying rather than screaming his eyeballs out, so that is progress as far as I'm concerned.  We didn't have to bath nurse.  He was able to latch on on dry land 

I keep having to remind myself that most scary/frustrating things pass.  

[AnkaJones]

[somegirl99]

Glad to hear things are going better! 

Just thought I would add one thing that has worked well for us with our nanny.  We have a daily sheet that she fills out, keeping track of bottles (and now food), naps, potty/diapers (we EC), other activities, mood, etc.  It is helpful for us to know how his day went (if he didn't get enough nap time, he'll be tired and frumpy, etc.).  It is also helpful for the nanny to have notes on when she last fed him, how long he slept for, etc. and helps keep her more accountable.

What it is most useful for, however, is to be able to look over the course of the last several days and see what types of patterns there are, which helps with figuring out when might be a good time to start putting him down for a nap, when he might be due for a bottle/nursing, etc.  It was so useful that after a while we started filling in the sheets ourselves during the evenings and weekends when the nanny is not here. 

Also do you babywear?  You could show the nanny how to do so as well, then she she could be moving around doing something, baby gets rest and might nap on her, everyone is happier.  Our nanny had never babyworn before, but I got an easy-to-use Beco Butterfly for her to start with doing front carries in, and she eventually was able to do back carries in a mei tai by herself.

[Thing1Thing2]

Not to say that anything is going on, but if I was in this situation, I would install a nanny cam. Don't mean to be paranoid or uptight. I feel I would owe it to my child to make sure he's getting cared for properly.

Not to worry you though, everything is probably fine.