Hubbys in the delivery room

[montessorimama1]

I've been wondering a somewhat (ok, a very) personal question lately... If your DH is present at the birth and witnesses the whole thing, does that change the way he views you from a sexual perspective? 

What I mean is: dads used to be absent from the birthing room, and this would keep intact their image of their wife from a sexual viewpoint.  Guys are sooooooo visual (and let's face it, sometimes kinda primal when it comes to sexuality), and I can't imagine what the image of a child coming out from between his wife's legs would do to a man's psyche... Any thoughts?

[moonSnail]

This is such an interesting question and I was so curious about it myself!  Of course, men are all different and I think it depends on his own perspective on sex and motherhood and how he feels about the change.... what he comes to the table with so to speak.... but I can tell you how it went for us.

My husband was present at the birth (at home) and witnessed not only the birth itself but a substantial amount of damage to that whole area.  I started bleeding while in the birthing tub and had to get out... my contractions stopped and I had to push quickly without them because the midwives needed to know how much blood I was losing.  The midwife basically pulled him out once they got ahold of his shoulders.  He was 9lbs, 14oz and didn't come out easily.  I didn't feel a thing! (birth hormones are awesome) but my body didn't fair so well.  I ended up needing to go to the hospital afterwards for stitching... a lot of it.  My husband was there for the whole thing, even the surgery. 

It took me a full six weeks to heal and the entire time my husband was enamored.  He was so proud of me and had this new perspective of me as some kind of warrior goddess!  He was more affectionate and in love with me I think than ever before.  I think he couldn't wait to have sex.... although sadly for him, it was a loooong time.  I think also, where I messed up.... is that I had a hard time returning that affection.  I was absorbed by my new son and I felt inadequate in caring for him because my recovery was so hard.  I was busy feeling less-than when my husband wanted me more than ever.  I also had a hard time separating my sexual self from my mother self.  It was much easier for him.  This is what I want to remember with the next baby.... that I am still a sexual creature.  My body is beautifully multipurpose... and my husband needs my attention, too!  It's so hard with those hormones a-raging out of control. 

I think men who are sensitive and involved, who have awe for the tremendous feat that you are about to accomplish will have nothing but respect and reverence for the woman that birth has transformed you into.  I think that most likely the man who is excited to be at the birth of his child will be the same man that will see and and acknowledge that transformation as sexy, too.

[Devaskyla]

My husband was not only there, he caught ds2. (I caught ds3). I just asked him & he says it didn't affect his view of me at all, unless it was positively because it was amazing to watch. He can't think of anything negative.

I know there are men out there who can't handle it, but imo they're generally very immature and are also the type to consider the woman's body "theirs". The same kind of guys who get pissy about their partner breastfeeding because they don't want to share.

[Healthy_Baby]

my husband was (and will) be present for every birth.  When I was pregnant with my first I remember thinking I would either A.  intentionally be positioned away from him or B. just let him choose how much he wanted to see.    I think B is they way to go.  you just can't force a guy to handle what he's not ready to handle when it comes to this stuff.  Now I didn't tear at all with either (and i'm not some beast of a woman with a huge vagina - i was very blessed) so that might have helped in it not leaving any 'grossness'.  but everything changes during birth - i don't bear my mid-drift or cleavage to anyone other then my husband and kids but was shocked that i was walking around nude during labor! 

my own perspective of birth might have an impact on him too - to me, giving birth i'm at the very peak of my sexual ability!  I've procreated and now delivering the evidence of my sexuality.  

our modern society has twisted it so sickly that it now means the very opposite thing - you have a baby = you're no longer sexy.  Not in my house.  And we're not even "pregnant Goddess worshipers" - just Jesus loving Christians! 

Edited by Healthy_Baby - 9/14/11 at 5:23am

[AfricanQueen99]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla 

I know there are men out there who can't handle it, but imo they're generally very immature and are also the type to consider the woman's body "theirs". The same kind of guys who get pissy about their partner breastfeeding because they don't want to share.

Wow.  That is so judgmental and truly unfair.  I generally agree with many of your posts, Devaskyla, but this was just out of line.

My husband said that he was surprised to witness my daughter's birth because, like a PP, there was a lot of damage and a lot of stitches to repair the area.  With my son there was *way* more damage and husband came out fine, but he had an idea of what to expect.  So, IMO, it's not about immaturity, it's about not knowing what may happen.  The area can be swollen, multi-colored, ripped, etc...and if he didn't know that going in why wouldn't he be surprised?  Both births only affected MY end of our sexual relationship.  If you're one to get stitches you'll know what I mean - nothing about the whole area feels good for a long time.

FWIW, my husband stood by my side every day that I nursed both kids and doesn't consider my body "his."  He even empathized with me as my daughter had a forced medical weaning and my son weaned on his own when my milk dried up due to this pregnancy.
 

[Conchobhar]

Originally Posted by moonSnail 

I think he couldn't wait to have sex.... although sadly for him, it was a loooong time.  I think also, where I messed up.... is that I had a hard time returning that affection.  I was absorbed by my new son and I felt inadequate in caring for him because my recovery was so hard.  I was busy feeling less-than when my husband wanted me more than ever.  I also had a hard time separating my sexual self from my mother self.  It was much easier for him.  This is what I want to remember with the next baby.... that I am still a sexual creature.  My body is beautifully multipurpose... and my husband needs my attention, too!  It's so hard with those hormones a-raging out of control. 

^^  This was my issue, too.  I had absolutely no libido through the pregnancy and then towards the end of the pregnancy, DH couldn't wrap his head around sex with his kid in the middle (yes, it's safe, etc...it was just something he couldn't get over).  After the birth, he couldn't WAIT and I still had no libido, poor guy.  I had the above issue with having a hard time separating my mommy-self from the sexual-self.  I was also SURE that things had changed down there for the worse and kept asking him if it felt different, but he said it didn't. 

But if you think your DH is going to have an issue with it, talk to him about it.  Maybe he doesn't know what to expect, either?  Or maybe he's afraid he's going to hurt your girly bits, after they've gone through trauma?
 

[Psmythe]

My husband did some research and reported to me that he didn't want to see the business end of things, because there's a much higher divorce rate for couples when the man sees his 'holy grail' as a trauma site. (I have no link to back him up.  No idea where he gets his information.)  His plan was to stay 'topside' and support me/be with me while the midwives handled the rest of it.

He changed his mind in the birthing room, said it was really cool, and was glad to be involved in that part of the process too.  I personally can't imagine NOT having my husband with me during birth. 

On the other hand I know a few progressive men who were excited to be involved in and present for the birth, but felt pressured to catch or cut the cord when they weren't interested in that.  It lessened their enjoyment of a special moment with their wives/girlfriends.  The assumption that birth friendly = cool with gore is not to be made lightly.

I had a vacuum assisted birth after several hours of pushing (otherwise invtervention/drug free), and ended up with a third degree tear.  45 minutes of stitching later we were finally able to start nursing.  I can tell you that he was horrified FOR me, having nothing to compare the idea of that wound to, but certainly not horrified OF me!  My tear healed nicely, we struggled to wait 6 weeks before engaging in intercourse again, and he doesn't at all find me less appealing.  If anything he is in greater awe of my body, and practically worships it.

We prepared ourselves with humor before hand, recycling a joke a friend made about her husband "Slipping the doctor $100 to stitch her up tighter than before."  Sorry if that's too much, it's crass I know... but we found it funny, and it was a good way for us to deal with the strange ideas women and men are given about the after effects of birth.  I've actually heard someone say "Enjoy it now, because your body won't be the same once you have kids."  I think it's terrible to set women up with a bad body image about the 'damage' they're doing to their body before it happens.  Change DOES NOT = Damage!  Some women feel more secure in their sexuality after giving birth!  And if you don't, that's ok too.  There's a lot going on in and around your body at that time. 

As for your partner's view of things, he may or may not be comfortable with seeing something that awesome (remember that awesome includes staggering in its definition), it may take some work for him/you to decide together what to expect.  Men are subject to just as much speculation and myth of what a 'train wreck' their partners bodies will become after birthing children, whether they see that happen firsthand or not.  It may be demystifying for him to witness it, or as my husband's statistical anecdote shows it may be too much.  I think it's important to talk about before hand, but just as important to be realistic about his squeamishness level, visual memory, etc...

[freestylemama]

I had a really awesome first birth experience.  DH was my main source of support.  We had two midwives there as well- one knitted almost the entire time and would say things like, "you're doing great" if I asked.  She also did a couple of heartbeat checks with the doppler.  The other took amazing pictures of the labor and birth.  I honestly can't imagine having a baby without my DH there.  We have a really wonderful relationship and he's my best friend and has always been nothing but supportive and awesome.  DH caught DD when she came out and it was just a really beautiful experience.  He will be just as active in this little sweetie's birth.  My DH is probably not totally typical though.  We also had a more exciting sex life after our DD was born.  It certainly took a while to get the ball rolling again and for everything to stop hurting (b/c I tore), but I can truly say that our sex life is terrific and I really don't think him being at DD's birth impacted it at all. 

All of that said, I know people whose partners were there who actually made things more difficult for them.  A good friend of mine was on the brink of a divorce and she's convinced that having her ex's "support" is largely related to her hospital transfer and c-section.  I think it's probably a good thing for a guy who can't handle just being supportive and not making it about himself and what he's going to see/feel to just remove himself and let someone supportive take on that role.

[Devaskyla]

I'm not talking about men who are surprised or even upset by any damage, but ones who have trouble seeing their wives as sexual after the birth. Ones who refuse to have sex with them and often wind up divorced because of it. And there are a few of those kind of guys out there. And I do consider them immature.
 

Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 

Wow.  That is so judgmental and truly unfair.  I generally agree with many of your posts, Devaskyla, but this was just out of line.

My husband said that he was surprised to witness my daughter's birth because, like a PP, there was a lot of damage and a lot of stitches to repair the area.  With my son there was *way* more damage and husband came out fine, but he had an idea of what to expect.  So, IMO, it's not about immaturity, it's about not knowing what may happen.  The area can be swollen, multi-colored, ripped, etc...and if he didn't know that going in why wouldn't he be surprised?  Both births only affected MY end of our sexual relationship.  If you're one to get stitches you'll know what I mean - nothing about the whole area feels good for a long time.

FWIW, my husband stood by my side every day that I nursed both kids and doesn't consider my body "his."  He even empathized with me as my daughter had a forced medical weaning and my son weaned on his own when my milk dried up due to this pregnancy.
 

[samstress]

DDCC

my husband was present for the birth of both of our children (one born via caesarean and one naturally).  he was up close and personal for both (saw everything -- more than i did, in fact) and it didn't change, in the least, how he sees me "from a sexual perspective".  he insists that witnessing the birth of each of our children were two of the most amazing days of his life.  he just considers birth a beautiful thing.  we took a bradley class before the birth of our second child and our teacher would usually show one birth video every week.  my husband would usually be teary-eyed by the end.  honestly, he was more emotional about it than i was.

does your husband want to witness the birth and do you want him to?  i know many men and women have very strong feelings on both sides.

Edited by samstress - 9/14/11 at 5:25pm

[AfricanQueen99]

Actual conversation that just happened...

Me. Did watching C's birth change how you viewed me sexually?
Him. No. You not wanting to have sex anymore changed how I viewed you sexually.

Too true. Too true.

[Kaitlyn811]

This thread is giving me mixed feelings, lol. A huge and rather impractical fear of mine is that sex will no longer be enjoyable for me or for a partner. I fear tearing, and being stitched. But then I fear not tearing and feeling 'loose.' Is this all too personal? I certainly don't have any one out the 'outside' to spill and discuss this with. Are these normal to feel? It's all very strange to me...my boobs are going from 'sexual things' to my little one's source of food! Sorry if I hacked OP's thread! It all sort of relates, right? lmbo. 

[montessorimama1]

Originally Posted by Kaitlyn811 

This thread is giving me mixed feelings, lol. A huge and rather impractical fear of mine is that sex will no longer be enjoyable for me or for a partner. I fear tearing, and being stitched. But then I fear not tearing and feeling 'loose.' Is this all too personal? I certainly don't have any one out the 'outside' to spill and discuss this with. Are these normal to feel? It's all very strange to me...my boobs are going from 'sexual things' to my little one's source of food! Sorry if I hacked OP's thread! It all sort of relates, right? lmbo. 

It totally relates!  I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face after reading your post because those are all fears I have, and know that likely DH harbors them as well... You hear all these horror stories, but it's nice to read what the other mommas are writing and know that it's more about your attitude and your connection with your partner, than any actual physical changes (well, once you get past the pain of any tearing, anyway...)

[Devaskyla]

Kaitlyn it's totally normal to feel conflicted about it. Whether you tear or not, things will be looser there for awhile. And they will never be completely the same again. For most of us, that's a good thing, though. :) I've had this conversation in a lot of online forums and I I can't remember anyone saying things weren't as good after everything recovered. Most women find things are actually better, although I recall a couple who said it was pretty much the same and their partners were all in the better or basically the same camp, too.

As for thinking of your breasts as your little one's food source, some women are able to completely compartmentalize things & others aren't able to deal with anyone touching their breasts sexually as long as they're nursing. I think most women fall somewhere in the middle.

[kismetbaby]

Seeing the birth did not in any way lessen my hubbies desire for or attraction to me!  :) And yes, things down there were a bit weird, uncomfortable, and loose for a little while. . .but in my case anyway, things went back to normal within 6 months.

Libido though, that's been a different issue. No problem with DHs libido that is. . .it's mine that was really changed by BFing and/or just the emotional/mental changes I experienced as a mother.  It's much much harder to find intimate time and desire now. . .but this has nothing to do with the actual birth itself, but everything else that has come with having a child.

I think it's all something to be aware of and to be ready to have open dialogue about, but nothing to spend an undue amount of time worrying over.

[freestylemama]

Originally Posted by montessorimama1 

It totally relates!  I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face after reading your post because those are all fears I have, and know that likely DH harbors them as well... You hear all these horror stories, but it's nice to read what the other mommas are writing and know that it's more about your attitude and your connection with your partner, than any actual physical changes (well, once you get past the pain of any tearing, anyway...)

I tore a lot with DD and required stitches. It took a while for us to get back into it and it did hurt initially.  It's also different.  Different isn't bad though and like I said, we definitely got to a very good place again after.   

I have some worries about tearing again and have decided against another water birth.  My midwife knows about my concerns and will do more counter pressure type stuff to help me avoid tearing.   

[moonSnail]

For me, the breastfeeding was concerning as well.... I just couldn't imagine that kind of perception switch.  I was dead set on breastfeeding but I was just so unsure how I would feel about it.  That actually turned out to be a non issue.  As soon as my son was born it was like a switch was actually flipped in my brain and nursing was the most natural thing in the world.  It wasn't weird in the least.  For a while, at least while I was leaking every time a breeze blew against them, I didn't want them touched by my husband.... it was sort of strange and a bit messy!  (I had a very forceful and willing milk letdown).  After my milk production settled down it became a little less weird, but I do have to admit that my breasts are less a focus of sexual attention than they used to be. 

[Starr]

I think alot of it depends on your DH and what he feels comfortable seeing and being present for. Personally, I am not concerned since DH works on an ambulance and as part of his training he has worked in labor and delivery and seen multiple births.

[shiomi]

For me in my situation, not even remotely an issue.  Part of his attraction to me from the start was the fact that I wanted to have children too, so other than him possibly passing out when he's supposed to catch the baby (which might happen because he sometimes can have a super weak stomach at inopportune moments), I don't have to worry at all.  He knows things will be different than the way they were before... hell, it already is with how sensitive I am! lol.  I've just made sure to keep communication with him open about various things, like catching, cord cutting, placenta encapsulating and so forth so that I know for sure how he feels before the time comes.

[imakecutebabies]

Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 

Actual conversation that just happened...

Me. Did watching C's birth change how you viewed me sexually?
Him. No. You not wanting to have sex anymore changed how I viewed you sexually.

Too true. Too true.

Agreed! I think it's just as important to prepare for your own sexuality changes afterbirth. My husband watched both of our deliveries and I was too afraid/grossed out/immature to look both times! ha but your hormones continue to change after giving birth, and I was the one who felt I had lost my sensuality for a good 6-10 months after my first child... I think breastfeeding has something to do with it, for me at least.