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Hubbys in the delivery room - Page 2

post #21 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla View Post

I'm not talking about men who are surprised or even upset by any damage, but ones who have trouble seeing their wives as sexual after the birth. Ones who refuse to have sex with them and often wind up divorced because of it. And there are a few of those kind of guys out there. And I do consider them immature.



DDCC but due in Dec.  Why is that a problem?  It is a feeling and if you are feeling upset about seeing "damage", you may have issues visualizing the pain and trauma to that area instead of seeing it sexually.  I think the statement that feeling that way is immature is not fair.

 

OP--I had a really wicked tear with DS (through the anal sphincter).  DH and I could not have sex for about 6 months because it was so bad and I was in pain for that long.  He was still very eager to DTD once we could.  That said, I asked him many times if the birth had affected him and he claimed it had not.  Many months later though he admitted that he was okay with not having sex for quite some time because he thought all he'd be thinking about would be seeing me tear so badly and then spend almost an hour being stitched up.  I am glad he didn't tell me earlier, because it would have affected my confidence.  Different people have different responses, and that is okay.  I suspect that nearly all men can eventually get past their sex/birth connection hang ups.  For some it might be immediate, and others it may take a little time. Chances are, by the time you are ready for sex, he will be *more* than ready.   

 

post #22 of 53

As I already said, there's a difference between being upset/concerned for your partner & refusing to ever have sex with her again because your "playground" has been ruined. And there are men who thing that way. I've talked to women who've had to deal with them. And yes, it is incredibly immature to consider your partner's body yours. Not to mention devastating for a woman dealing with someone who doesn't want to "share" her body with their own baby.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

DDCC but due in Dec.  Why is that a problem?  It is a feeling and if you are feeling upset about seeing "damage", you may have issues visualizing the pain and trauma to that area instead of seeing it sexually.  I think the statement that feeling that way is immature is not fair.

 

post #23 of 53

This whole topic is distressing to me... I am going to have to make sure my DH gets a little more hip about what he may be witnessing and experiencing come January.  I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...

post #24 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by element2012 View Post

I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...

It's a lot to handle...and something that most people (men and women) don't even consider until they're fully in it.  If it makes you feel any better my husband was weirded out with my first pregnancy.  He just seemed to feel weird about having sex while my daughter was kicking around in there (and she was a super roly fetus so she would move around *during* sex!)...so I would just keep my sweatshirt/shirt on during sex.  I don't even think he realized it that it was for his own benefit.  Now that we're going on kid three he's happy to get any action and doesn't mind growing bellies and all that jazz. 

 

It's also ok if he really doesn't want to watch the actual birth.  Some partners just aren't interested in seeing the event...and that's perfectly normal.  He might be a "stick by your head and towel you off while you're pushing" kind of guy. :)
 

 

post #25 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by element2012 View Post

This whole topic is distressing to me... I am going to have to make sure my DH gets a little more hip about what he may be witnessing and experiencing come January.  I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...


You're not alone... DH kept seeing me as "fat", not pregnant, until I sat him down and had a good long talk with him.  He was also scared to have sex because he felt he might hurt the baby!  He couldn't understand why I needed to eat constantly during the first trimester, or why naps were so crucial to keep me going... But good communication solved all the issues, and I feel that's important to keep in mind in the months and weeks leading up to the birth.  The more they know, the better off WE will be.  :)

 

post #26 of 53

I haven't read all previous posts, but I've skimmed the thread and it seems to be a bit heated.  IMO, if you or your husband has reservations about watching the baby come out, maybe you shouldn't risk it.  Sexuality isn't really controlled by cognitive thinking.  It's more primal, right?  For my previous birth, DH was present throughout, but he didn't watch the birth, not by choice or worries about sexual attraction, but it's just how it worked out.  I gave birth in his arms, and he reached down and caught the baby with me.  He could not have been more present.  There are other ways for you to share in the experience.  He doesn't need to watch.

 

As far as injury, I tore and had stitches, and sex was not pleasant for a long while.  DH said he was scared at first about hurting me, but I reassured him I would let him know how I was feeling.  I was the one that felt more badly having to ask him to stop or guilty for not enjoying.

post #27 of 53

I just asked my husband if he felt that watching the births all up close and personal changed his view of me as a sexual being. He said no that it did not. Our sex life remained a sex life, although it was different due to having a baby around and sleep deprivation and all that. He said the only thing that changed his view of me as a sexual being is when I got my hair cut postpartum after #3 and it basically looked just like my mom's hair cut. That made me LOL.

 

Here is the truth: many aspects of your relationship will change as you guys become parents. Don't be afraid. All these changes are not bad things. Sometimes I remember with great fondness what was all like before kids when it was just him and me and sex and romance and heat and all that good stuff. Now our relationship is different, but it is still great. The friendship and feeling of partnership is stronger because it is him and I against the world.... and as a united front against and for (depending on the situation) these kids we made together. Some of that heat may have cooled to just warm, but it is still cozy :)

post #28 of 53

That's a really pretty way of putting it, MidwifeErika! smile.gif

post #29 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidwifeErika View Post

I just asked my husband if he felt that watching the births all up close and personal changed his view of me as a sexual being. He said no that it did not. Our sex life remained a sex life, although it was different due to having a baby around and sleep deprivation and all that. He said the only thing that changed his view of me as a sexual being is when I got my hair cut postpartum after #3 and it basically looked just like my mom's hair cut. That made me LOL.

 

Here is the truth: many aspects of your relationship will change as you guys become parents. Don't be afraid. All these changes are not bad things. Sometimes I remember with great fondness what was all like before kids when it was just him and me and sex and romance and heat and all that good stuff. Now our relationship is different, but it is still great. The friendship and feeling of partnership is stronger because it is him and I against the world.... and as a united front against and for (depending on the situation) these kids we made together. Some of that heat may have cooled to just warm, but it is still cozy :)

I just loved this so much, thank you!  :)
 

 

post #30 of 53

Erika--yes, couldn't have said it better myself!

post #31 of 53

I told my husband about this post to see what he would say.... however I admit that this never crossed my mind. I never thought of not having him there or if it would change the way he viewed my body ect.... and clearly neither did he LOL. He looked at me and goes umm it never crossed my mind?

 

*shrugs* dunno what that says about us but seeing as I am pregnant again I guess our sex life is ok after him seeing our 2 year old born :)

post #32 of 53

My husband literally caught our baby (accidental home birth) with me on all fours. We had sex 2 weeks later. :-P

post #33 of 53

I think it also depends on your birth experience you choose, at least in my experience and stories from friends and acquaintances.  Take into consideration of who will be there assisting you. 

 

How involved your partner is in the pregnancy and birth, it was very important to me, and to him. 

 

Midwife Erika nailed it-great posts!

 

My Husband was at every appointment with our MW, was at every Bradley class and literally was my doula.  He was apart of everything, which I believe empowered him as well as myself. 

 

As far as how he sees me after birthing....  I think it is the same admiration, just in a different light.  Birth changes a woman (and man) in so many ways.  We too had sex a couple weeks later.  I can attest that it was different at the beginning, but gets better and better with time, compassion and understanding. 

 

 

 

 


Edited by goldenwillow - 9/19/11 at 4:25am
post #34 of 53

DDCC as this is being promoted on the home page...My dh never stopped being attracted to me, and he even caught our last child while I was on my hands and knees...AND I pooped while pushing(the ultimate NO-NO for me! but it didn't phase him!) He seems to see all parts of life as meshing all together and doesn't have to compartmentalize. I've had an overload of discharge with this pregnancy, and I have always been embarassed about that sort of thing but it never phased him. It seemed to make him more...excited...for me to be so wet? lol It's a good thing he doesn't get embarassed about so much like I do, else we'd never get anywhere. I so love my hubby! We're at the end of pregnancy #4...

post #35 of 53

My first DH (now ex-DH) was not only in the room for baby #2, but he was right between my legs watching in awe as I pushed her out.  He had no problem seeing me as a sexual being afterward, and he is one of the most immature men I've ever met.  ;)

 

This is my current DH's first birth experience, so we have watched the Business of Being Born a couple of times to familiarize him with what is likely going to happen, he's watched a couple of other births on TV, etc.  He knows he wants to cut the cord, but isn't so sure about catching the baby or anything like that, and I'm okay with that being a "game time" decision.  He's more worried about hurting MY feelings if he doesn't want to be that involved, and I've spent some time assuring him that I really couldn't care less.  (I want him to be THERE, but his level of involvement is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned.)  YMMV, of course.  I'm sure part of the reason why I don't really care is because this is baby #4 for me, babies #1 and #3 were done without my ex there, so this isn't my first trip around the block, so to speak.  ;)

post #36 of 53

I totally agree. My husband is also very involved throughout the whole process. His co-workers actually made fun of him for going to all of my midwife appointments, but when I gave him the option to not go last week (because it was just a boring appointment and he had extra work to catch up on), he still decided to come with. I also love the line "he literally was my doula" because that SO describes my daughter's birth and my husband's role.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldenwillow View Post

I think it also depends on your birth experience you choose, at least in my experience and stories from friends and acquaintances.  Take into consideration of who will be there assisting you. 

 

How involved your partner is in the pregnancy and birth, it was very important to me, and to him. 

 

Midwife Erika nailed it-great posts!

 

My Husband was at every appointment with our MW, was at every Bradley class and literally was my doula.  He was apart of everything, which I believe empowered him as well as myself. 

 

As far as how he sees me after birthing....  I think it is the same admiration, just in a different light.  Birth changes a woman (and man) in so many ways.  We too had sex a couple weeks later.  I can attest that it was different at the beginning, but gets better and better with time, compassion and understanding. 

 

 

 

 



 

post #37 of 53

This was a really good question. Everyone is different, but this is my story, just to give some perspective and background.

 

We had a waterbirth at home, and my husband was on a construction job out of state at the time [he owns his own business, and has to go where the contracts are -- anywhere in the southeast!]. Due to his schedule, which was crazy at the time, he didn't really have the time to 'read up' on what to expect at the birth. Still, we have a pretty mature relationship, and he seemed okay just doing whatever I needed him for, even though I was afraid he was going to be traumatized by the whole thing, lol... I told him he didn't have to be more involved than he wanted to be, or to see any more than he wanted to. For example, I'm a lot more comfortable with bodily fluids than he is, and birth involves a variety of those, lol.

 

So he comes back into town when I called to tell him I was in labor, and he was super-attentive and sweet and concerned... and although he had to be coached regarding technique [please don't grab my shoulders like that and pinch them when you're massaging me!], I couldn't have asked for someone more willing to be there and support me. I delivered a healthy 9 lb 12 oz boy in one piece in the birth tub, just two little skid marks and no complications. And DH was absolutely in love as a first-time dad at 46 [I was 28]. It was beautiful, and he started calling up our friends as he was holding his new little boy and he was just in awe of the whole thing. This from a guy who never 'saw himself' having kids.

 

Fast forward about a week. We're both being broken in as new parents, my undercarriage still doesn't work that well, but the lochia is slowing down. I have noted that love is often something you do, not necessarily something you feel. You don't take care of your baby just when you feel like it, right? lol. Any relationship is like that, but especially long-term, committed relationships like marriage or parenthood. You don't just take care of each other when you feel like it. My personal rule [and this is just me] is that I'm available as long as I'm not sick [no sense spreading that kind of love] or injured. I don't perform that great when I'm exhausted, and I know it, but I don't cook gourmet all the time either. As long as nobody's starving, grilled cheese or cereal is okay some of the time. :P

 

I felt emotionally ready to be with him again long before I felt physically ready. I was exhausted and my nipples were sore, and I had postpartum mommy-body issues and I told him I didn't feel that attractive at all... but I was willing to try. I told him I wanted to try, if he wanted to. It was one of the sweetest and most intimate things we've done together. He's not a talker, especially during sex, but he said some things to me when we made love that I will never forget.

 

Love begets love.

 

 

Anyway...

If you're afraid of being all loosey goosey, do your kegels at every red light or every diaper change, both before and after you deliver [as you're able]. It helps!

And I do realize that if you've had damage and stitches, it's not going to be wonderful for awhile and you're not going to be able to enjoy the blessings of your bed as soon as I did. I was blessed not to have required repair -- although I was very grateful for the sitz baths that first week! I think if you express your love for him and your willingness to be open to that part of your relationship as your body mends, it'll be all good.

 

In my [admittedly limited] experience, good communication and a stable, mature relationship are what determine your guy's view of you as you become the mother of his children and your relationship grows to include more people. That's what happens when you have too much love to contain in just two bodies. :)

 

I think I should also make it clear that it is a relationship that is growing. It retains the kind of love that made the baby to begin with, and grows to include the parental love you both show your new little one. It's a growth process, not an either/or dichotomy.

 

And yes, I realize there are exceptions out there, but imho they should be exceptions. I'm talking about stable, mature people in long-term committed relationships. I realize those can have variations and that you have to do what works for your variation. :P

 

Sorry for being long-winded and philosophical, but we have to deal with that kind of thing in life. :P

post #38 of 53
My husband was there for both of our births, the first at home and the second in a birth center. Sexually speaking, he doesn't view me as different. We've had to communicate a lot in the years since because life and kid obligations are constantly changing and we must change with it. I think sex-birth issues are reflective of something else in either the current relationship or past experience. I am related to someone who says she will never breastfeed because it is gross. And I've talked to women who schedule C-sections because they want their vaginas to stay "intact". I feel that is truly regrettable because the rationale has more to do with fear and exposure to sexism than the child. As far as men, they get pressure from each other and the media to be grossed out by childbirth and changes in the body. I think it's really admirable that so many partners here on MDC have supportive husbands!!! I'm thankful for my hubs approach and I think having conversations about this are really crucial to combatting all of the negative women/body/birth/sex messages we are bombarded with regularly.
post #39 of 53

My husband has been present for, and watched, all 3 of my previous births. He actually was really hoping to help catch DS2 but I only pushed twice and there was honestly not time for him to put his hands on the baby before he was out!  It doesn't seem to have impacted our sexual relationship at all, nor did it ever occur to me to worry that it would. In terms of things being "looser" or different, I'd say they're different but better.  My breasts do end up off limits when I'm breastfeeding because stimulation there makes me let down and that turns off any romantic feelings I may have had. That goes back to normal when I'm done nursing though. :)

post #40 of 53

or 3 births he has been with me but has not seen the baby come out, and I am okay with that. He is a much more prudish person then I am, and he has still been with me supporting me. IN fact once we were out of the hospital having a baby (the last 2) he wouldn't have been able to see stuff because I wrap my arms around his shoulder and he helps support me while I push the baby out. that is where I NEED him.

 

I was also pretty offended by the woman who would say not being willing to see that is a sign of immaturity. Some people just have different comfort levels.

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