It sounds like the two-bedroom apartment situation you have now has been great for you. According to your description, you have a huge bedroom and a bathroom all to yourself. On the other hand, it sounds like your DIL is doing everything she can to flee the situation short of actually moving out.
Your DIL should be recommended for Sainthood. Patron Saint of DIL's Suffering Under Oppressive MIL's.
I have a different definition of nip. I mean biting motion at the air nowhere near the skin (coulld be feet away from anyone). A dog could nip at the air in joy as he is playing with a toy. Our dog only does it when he is poked at repeatedly and his low growls have been ignored repeatedly. The dog is not a problem, he is not a nippy dog (if you mean a little dog that bites people). He is a very friendly dog that likes every one. Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).
What would you do if you were repeatedly poked , you said stop and the person didn't stop. You weren't allowed to move. You would esculate your behavior. You might try being scary (growl more, nip at the air). It is good that dogs show behaviors that let you know to stop rather than going to just biting behavior. Kids can learn that a growl and esculating growls with nips in the air means you are doing something the dog doesn't like and get back.
I have been a foster for several different rescue organizations and have had as many as 5 dogs in our home when my 3 kids were young and we lived in 2 bedroom apartments or houses. The rescue organizations never had a problem with it. They liked our family because I was good with socializing dogs with kids.
You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. She decided to get pregnant. She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. My son is so discouraged and worn out. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.
The only thing they have to do for me is make sure one of them has Tuesday off every once every 3 weeks so one of them can drive me to the infusion center to get my gamma globulin IVs for immune deficiencies and pick me up 8 hours later. I've been going to this infusion center 4 years and my nurses are my friends. I'm usually the only patient because of my risk of infection. We order out for lunch and have a good time. I'm not supposed to drive and someone has to take care of my grandson while I am at the infusion center. I usually feel bad tin the evening and for a couple of days - headache and flu-like symptoms but I can function.
What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!
You are a narcissist. Get help.
I have a different definition of nip. I mean biting motion at the air nowhere near the skin (coulld be feet away from anyone). A dog could nip at the air in joy as he is playing with a toy. Our dog only does it when he is poked at repeatedly and his low growls have been ignored repeatedly. The dog is not a problem, he is not a nippy dog (if you mean a little dog that bites people). He is a very friendly dog that likes every one. Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).
What would you do if you were repeatedly poked , you said stop and the person didn't stop. You weren't allowed to move. You would esculate your behavior. You might try being scary (growl more, nip at the air). It is good that dogs show behaviors that let you know to stop rather than going to just biting behavior. Kids can learn that a growl and esculating growls with nips in the air means you are doing something the dog doesn't like and get back.
Or, you could step in when the child is tormenting the dog to remove one or both of them from the situation, thus eliminating a great deal of the risk of injury. Kids CAN learn to correctly interpret the dog's cues, but I wouldn't trust them to work it out at age three.
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 
You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. I choose to work too. Partly because I like my job and think my work makes an important contribution to improving the world, but also because I like eating and putting a roof over my kids' heads. Like your son, my dh has chronic medical issues that interfere with his work. If we're going to be guaranteed an income (and the accompanying groceries and shelter, and medical care for his health concerns and for my kids' allergies and asthma), I have to work. My choice. And I'm happy with my choice. You know what I'm not happy with? People who assert that because people like me make choices like mine we've got it made and are living out perfect privileged lives. In mean, yay! I have an income! But seriously, what would my family do without it? I choose to work and I love it and in this economy I'm lucky to have it, but what other choice do I, or any other woman in my situation, have? Hmm? Stay home until we get evicted and starve? She decided to get pregnant. All by herself? She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. Well then, don't. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. For her work, which sustains her family economically and which will pay more in the new location. I really can't see this as a selfish decision. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. You have no idea how much of a relief this is. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. I do the same thing - it's hard to plan in advance when you're busy all the time. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. No you don't. You're a free agent. You can do what you want. Maybe you could change this habit in your thinking - the dog doesn't have to sit there and be tormented and neither do you. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. She sounds super-stressed. I'm sorry her social skills are suffering. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. And nurse babies, and work from home to earn a salary that supports her family. My son is so discouraged and worn out. Maybe the tight quarters are getting to him too. Maybe the move will give him a break. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.
What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Are they going to need more than one car when she's working from home? Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week again, if it bugs you, set some limits. so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!
And they are providing you with free rent and groceries. Calculating a low rent for 1 bedroom in the Tucson area, and a modest grocery budget, plus transportation to and from medical appointments that's $8400/year, plus not having to sell your car! Less that $20K, but almost as much as your disability income! For which you get the privilege of inhabiting an entire huge bedroom with a private bath while the rest of the family jams itself into a single bedroom!
This conversation would be so much more friendly and interesting if we could all start from a point at which we agree that both you and your DIL are unique and wonderful human beings with inherent value and dignity. And then maybe you could stop insulting her and denigrating her (really quite substantial) contributions to your family. I'm sure you're worth way more that $20K per year, and I'm sure she is too.
Like your DIL is doing now, I recently completed a long-distance move with my family for higher pay. My MIL was a big help - she flew across the country with my kids and helped pack. But you know what else? She also violated my boundaries by poking around in my private space (she knows exactly what I keep in my bedside table now), risked her health and safety by climbing my kitchen counters (and refusing to get down when I asked her to) and allowing my 4yo to keep her up until all hours (despite my attempts to maintain a consistent bedtime routine), and then nagged me about driving across the country too fast (so I could get to where she was before she let the baby make her sick from exhaustion as she has in the past, or fell off a kitchen counter and traumatized my children - evidently, potential injury was not a concern). When I finally got to our new home and caught up with her and the kids in the new state, she tried to rescue my child from me when she cried at bedtime (I was with her trying to comfort her - we're not talking about CIO here). I'm sure she has an interesting description of my behavior as well. I think she's a nice person, but right now she and I have a rift that will take years to mend. She lives 3000 miles away and we're still working hard to avoid each other. Christmas is going to be hell.
So hey, if you can, spare yourself. Tone all this down, try to have some empathy for your DIL, and make sure that both of you get the space you need.
I was asking about Vegas not our living situation.
Then why do you keep telling ( and telling and telling and telling ) us about your living situation?
She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes, breastfeed, and work full time supporting a family of four (soon to be five).
Fixed that for you.
The only thing they have to do for me is make sure one of them has Tuesday off every once every 3 weeks so one of them can drive me to the infusion center to get my gamma globulin IVs for immune deficiencies and pick me up 8 hours later. I've been going to this infusion center 4 years and my nurses are my friends. I'm usually the only patient because of my risk of infection. We order out for lunch and have a good time. I'm not supposed to drive and someone has to take care of my grandson while I am at the infusion center. I usually feel bad tin the evening and for a couple of days - headache and flu-like symptoms but I can function.
What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!
Well, making sure you get a ride to your doctor every third Tuesday isn't ALL that they have to do for you. Theya re also providing you with free room and board, correct? Or are you paying rent? If you're not (and I think that it's perfectly fine if you aren't), then your childcare isn't exactly free, is it? They're getting childcare and you're getting room and board. Lots of people live that way and it works out great.
Since you evidently have so much hostility and very little (if any) respect for your DiL, I don't understand why you don't seem open at all to the prospect of getting a larger apartment so everyone will get a little more MUCH-NEEDED space? Stik already did some research for you and it seems likely that there are some 3 or more bedroom apartments, somewhere, that don't necessarily have teensy little bedrooms. And as far as being non-smoking and having a washer and dryer unit, those things are by no means confined to 2 bedroom apartments only. Make sense? It's just some friendly advice. If you go into this situation the way you're describing it, can you imagine all the drama and frustration that you and your DiL (not to mention everyone else) are going to have to go through? I simply think that it's worth looking into. And frankly, I think you'd be a fool not to.
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans
Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).
You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. She decided to get pregnant. She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. My son is so discouraged and worn out. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.
First: The child isn't the only one that needs to be trained. "the child has to learn how to behave around the animal," sure -- but it's not all on the child to make sure they don't get bitten.
And I strongly STRONGLY disagree with you about boys liking scars. The men and boys I know with facial scars from dog bites are NOT proud of them and do their best to cover/hide them with hair or facial hair. Disfigurement is NOT something that wins some kind of macho points.
So, your DIL is the major breadwinner for a family of soon-to-be 5 people?
Funny, what you describe sounds like common behavior among people with fulltime jobs supporting a family of 5. If your son were your daughter and your DIL was your daughter's husband, I bet you wouldn't be complaining about those behaviors at all.
The woman is working full time. She's supporting not only her husband and child, but her husband's chronically ill mother and her animals. What is it you expect from her? Work full time to put food on the table and pay for her family's healthcare and housing, and then come home and wait on you and your son hand and foot?
My son works! She is not the major breadwinner. She has always gotten whatever she wants long before she worked. He is giving up his job because she made the decision to move. I had a place to live, a much better place. I lived in a newly remodled house with a pool. I can't move back there because someone else has moved in.
It doesn't matter what I expect of her. I just wanted info about Vegas. I can show my son the info online and then if she asks him anything about Vegas he can show her some web sites. I have found information other ways.
You're not exactly winning friends and influencing people by characterizing your DIL as a spoiled brat who always gets what she wants. It's clear even from your vitriolic descriptions of her that she works hard to support her family. Whether she is the major breadwinner or not, I imagine that her income is critical to a family in which the other wage earner is a travelling phlebotomist.
But hey, if your son has quit his job for the move, your concerns about both of them being away over-night are now moot. Your ds will be on hand to deal with the kids. This should, at the very least, make it easier to implement sensible boundaries for your dog. If you like Tucson, there's a lot of rental availability there as well, at lower prices than in Vegas.
Tearing your family apart with emotional abuse will only hurt the people you care about most. If you want to continue to benefit from your relationship with your son and DIL while simultaneously posting about your DIL in a viscous and abusive way, don't expect sympathy. You don't have to like your DIL, but if you can't write about her in a way that is at least neutral, not posting about her at all might be an option you would like to explore.
My son works! She is not the major breadwinner. She has always gotten whatever she wants long before she worked. He is giving up his job because she made the decision to move. I had a place to live, a much better place. I lived in a newly remodled house with a pool. I can't move back there because someone else has moved in.
It doesn't matter what I expect of her. I just wanted info about Vegas. I can show my son the info online and then if she asks him anything about Vegas he can show her some web sites. I have found information other ways.
You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants.
Not quite everything, I suspect.
So maybe DIL will get what she wants now.
foreverinbluejeans: sorry you are getting ganged up on, because you most certainly are. Perhaps it is time you stop defending yourself and step away from the forum. If you do not want people making judgments about your life, I suggest not sharing so much.
Happyhippie you are right. Mothering.com used to be a place that was safe to share without the fear of being "ganged up on." Experienced women could share their experience so younger women could gain from that experience. I can find basic info about Vegas online. I'll have to wait until I get there and find like minded (attachment parenting, baby wearing, gentle discipline) families through places like Sunflower Market and and support groups.
Happyhippie you are right. Mothering.com used to be a place that was safe to share without the fear of being "ganged up on." Experienced women could share their experience so younger women could gain from that experience. I can find basic info about Vegas online. I'll have to wait until I get there and find like minded (attachment parenting, baby wearing, gentle discipline) families through places like Sunflower Market and and support groups.
I hope you're planning on finding those for you DIL.
Happyhippie you are right. Mothering.com used to be a place that was safe to share without the fear of being "ganged up on." Experienced women could share their experience so younger women could gain from that experience.
Yeah, maybe FIBJ could find a support group for that, but I doubt she thinks she needs it.
My son works! She is not the major breadwinner. She has always gotten whatever she wants long before she worked. He is giving up his job because she made the decision to move. I had a place to live, a much better place. I lived in a newly remodled house with a pool. I can't move back there because someone else has moved in.
It doesn't matter what I expect of her. I just wanted info about Vegas. I can show my son the info online and then if she asks him anything about Vegas he can show her some web sites. I have found information other ways.
Can you look into maybe finding your own place then? In AZ or even if you move with them to Vegas. My mom had a similar living arrangement with my brother and his wife. They moved from one state to another, and she moved with them. She lived with them in the new state for about 4 months, all the time trying to find her own place. She eventually did get on a waiting list for some gov. subsidized apartments for retirees, and once she moved out EVERYONE was much, much happier. Is there a reason you couldn't maybe try to do that? Maybe in Vegas? So you wouldn't live with you DiL, but you could still see your son and grandkids, etc.?
Yes, I understand you're saying that your son and DiL asked you to move in with them in the first place. But it doesn't sound like anyone is happy at this point. This can't be a good situation for the kids, either.
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