I said something stupid...that I didn't mean....

[Hollycrand]

I've apologized and asked for forgiveness, but nothing seems to help.

My BF has been unemployed for over 9 months now.  I was briefly unemployed as well in July, but found a job 3 weeks later (not wonderfully paid and only a 14 month contract). 

BF has been really shutting me out, not wanting to do anything with me - slowly withdrawing from the world, and shutting me out.  He is more of a loner anyways....doesn't have any friends...nor contact with his family...

So one day I was upset he had said he didn't care about our relationship and that I was totally selfish.  I was angry.  I told him I felt as if he was only using me for my car.  This was 2 weeks ago.  He still used my car after that to go to interviews, but all of a sudden this week he won't even talk to me.  He is very angry, and doesn't want any conversation. 

I have been giving him his space, but called him tonight to ask if he still needed the car.  He said he would rent one (this from a guy who has no money)...or take the metro.

He seems very hurt about what I said...I have apologized, asked for forgiveness...and it's true...what is said cannot be unsaid.

I just had a transformation weekend this weekend, and it really did a lot of good for me.  Except in this one area.  I feel powerless in the situation, and can't even really communicate my feelings, or even get him to say his feelings - he says he has nothing to say.

We are not broken up, but we don't have much of a relationship either.

[Imakcerka]

He said he didn't care about the relationship? You are totally selfish? And you are apologizing? You were reacting to the hurtful things he said. Not necessarily the right thing to say back, however maybe it's a time to let this one go? If he's distancing himself it's a sign. Don't beat yourself up over this he said what he said first. He may have just meant it.

[lilyka]

Do you believe he is just using you for your car?

He thinks you are selfish and is shutting you out and doesn't want to do anything with you.  And you are the one left to grovel over one silly comment made in anger which probably has at least  a bit of truth to it.  I think you should just let this one go.

[IwannaBanRN]

No. HE should be the one that's sorry. If he doesn't care about the relationship and he said something hurtful first, he doesn't deserve an apology OR to be with you. It only devalues you. Him saying he doesn't care about your relationship also means he doesn't care for you the way you should while in a relationship.

[Petronella]

Why can't he take the metro to his interviews?  Or is he planning to have you drive him to work everyday when/if he gets a job? 

You absolutely are not the biggest offender in this.  He started with the hurtful comments, you defended yourself. 

He probably feels depressed, embarassed, and ashamed about being unemployed for so long and accepting help from his girlfriend.  But that is no excuse for speaking to you that way.  Why do you need anyone in your life who speaks to you that way?

Please take some time and space away from him, take care of yourself, your kids and your own job, enjoy having the use of your car just for you and your kids, and let HIM call YOU when he is ready to act like a grownup.

[Annie Mac]

Yup, what everyone else said. And, if you can't communicate with each other, there's not a lot of hope. Sorry, but that's, IMO, *key* to a good relationship.

[APToddlerMama]

So you said something you didn't mean and you have apologized, yet he is still holding a grudge, giving you the silent treatment, whatever.  Also, it sounds like he said something that he probably meant (that he didn't care about the relationship).  Maybe I am wrong, but if he didn't apologize, and is ignoring you, I'm thinking he really meant it.  The relationship does not sound healthy to me at all.  It sounds borderline emotionally abusive.  Personally, I would take it as a gift that he wasn't talking to me and move on to a healthy relationship with someone who would communicate with me and someone mature enough to forgive a very tiny transgression in the midst of a fight.  Good luck, mama. 

[Hollycrand]

He tells me I'm sucking the energy out of him.  But maybe I'm co-dependent on the relationship...it is so hard for me to not talk to him, to not be with him.

[IwannaBanRN]

I say tell him to kick rocks. It'll be hard to not talk to him at first, but honestly, you'll find your life so much less stressful when you're not trying to worry about him all the time. Please trust me on this!

[Annie Mac]

Hollycrand, it sounds like he's done. It also sounds like he's not being very diplomatic about it and you need to walk away to keep him from hurting you further.

[Hollycrand]

So why can't this guy, who is usually very blunt and straight forward, tell me if he thinks our relationship is over??

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by Hollycrand 

So why can't this guy, who is usually very blunt and straight forward, tell me if he thinks our relationship is over??

I'm curious, does this guy normally hold a job and is this unemployment phase unusual for him?  Based upon what you've said here, I just don't get the impression that this relationship is healthy.  Only you know the details of the relationship; do you really think it's a relationship worth holding onto?

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Hollycrand 

So why can't this guy, who is usually very blunt and straight forward, tell me if he thinks our relationship is over??

Two gueses.  Maybe he thinks he has essentially told you that by telling you he doesn't care about your relationship, and you're not "hearing" him.  My other guess is perhaps he likes how things are right now...he is holding all the cards.  He knows he can come back to you if he wants and you'll take him back, or he can go with "I told her this is over" (when he said he didn't care about the relationship) and move on to other relationships, come back if he wants, see if there is something "better" out there all while keeping things vague with you and leaving you hanging as his backup plan.  Personally, I wouldn't wait for that.  You deserve better.