Stealing

[Imakcerka]

Two days ago I took the DD's to the neighborhood gas station to get ice cream. While there we witnessed a girl from the DD's school getting caught stealing. The store clerk sent her home to get her parents or guardian. Since we've known this guy for 5 yrs and the DD's talk to him all the time he called them over and explained what had happened and then told them he hoped he would never have to call their parents.

The girl came back with her neighbor and the neighbor took care of the cost of what she stole. 15 dollars in candy. And then talked with the clerk. The girl has been banned from the store. On our way out we heard the neighbor tell her she doesn't have to tell her sister (assuming she's the guardian) nobody has to know, she's been embarrassed enough and to never do it again.

On our drive home, DD1 told me she was mad that the girl was told she didn't have to tell her sister. What if her sister sends her to the store? DD1 had made up her mind that the next day she would talk to the girl and tell her to tell her sister. I told DD1 it's not our business and we shouldn't interfere we don't know how her home life is and the girl might not take kindly to having her dirty laundry aired at school. To which DD1 replied... " Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were supposed to have integrity?!"

Holy wow! My goal wasn't to do anything more than ensure the girl wasn't embarrassed at school. I'm pretty sure she learned her lesson. According to DD1 she hasn't said anything. I'm really hoping she follows my advice and doesn't but now I'm not sure if she'll tell me otherwise.

I'm wondering if I should just approach her sister on my own. I saw her yesterday, I just don't think it's any of our business. What do you guys think?

[velochic]

How does your dd talking privately to the girl equate to having dirty laundry aired at school?

I commend your dd for thinking that the sister/guardian needs to be told and that she has a keen sense of integrity.  The only thing I might say is that the girl needs to tell her sister/guardian herself.  I don't think that is up to your dd.  But I don't know how school plays into this.

[Imakcerka]

They go to school together. I don't know how she plans on bringing this up. The girl is a grade older, so I'm wondering when she'd even be able to say anything. In the hallway? Not private. In passing at lunch? Again not private. That's what I'm worried about.

You're right I don't have a part to play in this, however I'm seriously worried that it won't go well either way. I guess I was just considering saying something to the sister so that DD1 doesn't feel she needs to.

[NiteNicole]

"Having integrity" doesn't make you the Integrity Police.  The girl was caught, the store owner handled it to his satisfaction.  If you had seen her steal it and not said anything, then we could talk integrity.  This business of telling her sister is just being a busybody.  To a child it probably seems about the same and pretty clear:  don't steal, tell the truth.  However, it's not her job to make sure the other girl is exposed and punished to the full extent of whatever governs petty theft of candy.

[Imakcerka]

You're correct Nicole. I think she's viewing it two different ways. She needs to be honest with her sister and the what if's. DD1 is big into what if's. What if she is sent to the store for milk scenarios came out in our conversation. Then what is she going to do, lie. I know it's none of our business. And I've told DD1 this. She however thinks I'm wrong and I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to tell this girl. Makes me sick to think of adding more embarrassment to her.

I just find it odd that she is so interested in this, more than she needs to be. On one hand I want her to say something and I want the girl to remind her it's none of her business. I know that's harsh but if she's not going to take it from me, then maybe she needs to hear it somewhere else.

[swd12422]

Have you explained to her that part of having integrity means keeping your nose out of other people's business? You witnessed something, so that part was your business. But you saw that it was handled, no one was left wronged in the end b/c the candy was paid for and she was accompanied out by a responsible adult. End of story. What happens after that and what ifs are none of our business. If her sister sends her to the store, she'll have to deal with that on her own, but I'm sure she won't take kindly to a younger kid (or any kid, for that matter) trying to give her advice about it. It's her deal, her life. Let her live with the consequences of her actions. It's no longer a teaching moment when the responsible adult comes into play; then it's up to that adult, not her peers, to advise.

[Imakcerka]

Yes I have, and apparently there is only so much room in my 8 years head. She's choosing to stick the "idea" of Integrity, Always do what is right even when no one is looking.
At this point it is still a teaching moment of a different sort. Now it's stay out of others business unless someone is in danger or actually needs your help.