desperate for some help with very angry 31/4 year old who has just started nursery

[nickysan]

Really don't know what to do next with my little girl. She has just started nursery, 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. Her first adventure away from mummy for more than an hour with grandma or papa at the park. I have held off as long as possible to put her in nursery but I really do need now to do some work and bring some money in and I did think she was just about ready as she is very sociable and loves other children and the idea of being a big girl and going to nursery. It has gone pretty smoothly, less than a minute of tears for the first three days when it came time to say goodbye to me and the staff tell me she is very happy the whole time she is there. I am very happy with my choice of nursery so I have no worries about the quality of care. But she seems really angry with me when she comes home, telling me to go away, hitting me, today she was literally throwing herself at me in fury, throwing stuff around, spitting and screaming in my face. I really need some ideas to help her and me, I try my best to be understanding, offering to cuddle her, telling her I know she's angry with me, that being a big girl and going to nursery without me is hard and that I love her very much but I can't let her hit me like this and if she can't stop I will go in the other room for a while, when I say this, or try to get up to leave, she falls apart even further but if I stay she just carry's on hitting me as hard as she can, I am really stuck and sad that she feels like this, I usually end up in tears in the middle of it all, I just really don't know what to do, she ends up letting me hold her after a while of screaming at me and falls asleep in my arms, which is not helping really because she sleeps through till around 6pm and then is not ready to go to bed proper till half nine or so which means she is waking up in the morning and tired again within an hour but doesn't want a nap before nursery.......... and so we repeat the process the next day. Any suggestions or ideas gratefully received, from a very sad and worried mummy. Thanks

[meemee]

first mama - the most important rule of parenting - stop taking things personally. i know its so easy to blame yourself and you feel responsible ...

but it is what it is. there are no choices here. you need to work and dd needs help with coping skills.  

she needs help with finding appropriate ways of expressing her emotions. 

if she is your only i would take her to the park and play a bit. or do something that she enjoys. going out for a treat - anything where you guys have a special time together. 

i notice she is not getting enough sleep. the three most important things they need are enough food, enough rest and enough exercise is VERY important - the difference between a cranky child and a happy child 

how does she wake up. do u lay in bed with her and gently wake her up and then lay cuddling for a few minutes and then get up. it is like getting off the right side of the bed. 

also what she is doing is sooooo normal. the first few times its a novelty. then they realise this is normal and its going happen regularly. its good she has this 5 days a week so it helps her adjust. alternate days is HARD for them. its the predictability factor 

the other thing is working on you. do whatever it takes that you dont get so upset. i know its hard to do. i say thing coz its sooo important as many of our kids feeds off of what mommy is feeling. you are absolutely doing the right thing and holding her and i would gently keep talking to her in a smooth monotone telling her how sorry you are she feels so upset. how you wish things were different but this is how it is. or sing. whichever your dd responds to well or even maybe silence. 

this is teh period of transition. i know she is falling asleep but give her a little time. all that tantrum is crying is extremely tiring for them. 

however in general you have to give her the time to adjust. also remember she cant 'be' herself at the ps. she has to be on her best behaviour. which might take a lot out of her so she needs a place to vent. you need to gently help her find her appropriate method of expressing it.