We all make our own choices - Page 3

[*bejeweled*]

double post

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I've never understood why anyone would want to have children, but not want to actually raise them.  I always knew from the first moment that I got pregnant that I would raise my own children.  I even managed to do it when I was young, single and had zero help from my DS's father.  I wouldn't have it any other way, period.  I love being a mom, it's what I've always wanted to do first.  I suspect that in my later years I will return to college and pursue a passion, but for now this is my passion.

Yes, being a sahm parent is hard.  Now, can you imagine paying someone less than min. wage to do that very hard job for you?  I have friends that nanny and get paid roughly $3 a hour.  Also, it's not just about YOUR needs, it's about the needs of your baby.  To me, love and attonement are just as important as the need for food, water and clean clothes.  To see children spending 50+ hours a week with a care provider that doesn't love them is heart-breaking to me.  I worked for several years as a care provider (and have several friends who are nannies) and that time just further cemented my belief that children should be raised by a loving parent.

My DH and I had a good understanding of what our roles would be when we got married.  I already had one child, so I knew that I needed to have things sorted out BEFORE we even moved in together.  For us, the traditional female/male gender roles work very well.  I'm happy to do all of the house-work stuff while he earns an income.  He's a very productive person, gets a ton of stuff done, but does almost zero household chores (kitchen, cleaning, laundry, etc).  Our whole arrangement is perfect for us.  It is very important to figure these things out in advance.  I think most people tend to overlook this sort of thing until it's caused an argument.

You can always go back to work, but you can only raise your baby once.  Best wishes in your decision. 

Wow, you love being in a traditional gender role, where you do all the housework and parenting, while your husband earns an income & doesn't lift a finger at home? That is completely incomprehensible to me, but hey it takes all types to make the world go 'round. 

The key here is that it sounds like you chose this path and even planned for it. You aren't forced into it. And that's great. Women should figure out for themselves what they want and be able to pursue their dreams. We live in a day and age when women have many choices, including the one you've made. You don't have to look too far to see eras of history or places in the world where this is the only option for women, and that's not a good thing. Women are not all the same, and we're all better off when we are able to make real choices. So, good for you for having a choice and making one that suits you well, but don't assume that it's the only path or the "best" path. There are a lot of good choices out there.

It's just foolish nonsense to suggest that women who work outside the home aren't raising their children. Sorry, but you're just wrong about that.

[Imakcerka]

Yeah, I was going to say that being a parent isn't all about who carried the crotch fruit.. DH is perfectly capable and happy to be fully immersed into the parenting business and he takes great pride in being a father. He's there for the boo boos and hurt feelings. He enjoys cooking for them and helping them through their day. Just as I do. Did I think I'd be the one to go to work while DH stays home, nope. I wouldn't trade this opportunity for the world. I have two girls who are being raised in a home where the traditional gender roles don't exist. Two girls who are fiercely loved and adored. And it's not just the mama bear giving all.

[samy23]

Originally Posted by porcelina 
 It seems like part-time might work might be a good solution, but so hard to find.

I haven't read all the replies yet, will return to do so later, but I too came to the conclusion that part-time work seems like the best solution. You can stay home with your children for most of the time, but also get in some work hours where you can feel you're contributing to something else, have social interaction with adults and it helps keep your confidence and self esteem, without as much pressure as working full time etc.

[LauraP29]

What a great thread!

I feel like there is a lot of societal pressure on mothers to "do it all".  I've actually been feeling guilty recently about not going back to work when my mat leave ends next month (my son is 10 months).  Reading this thread has reminded me why I wanted to stay home, and what is really important for my family.

[mammal_mama]

Great thread!

Rather than seeing myself as home-oriented or career-oriented, I now see myself as life and people-oriented. I think about which choices can keep me and those closest to me the most connected to the life that we all are and that we are all a part of, as well as the choices that can foster the best connections for people in general.

I loved spending the first ten years of my mothering career as a full time stay-at-home mom, and I now love being a work-at-home mom. Now, in my ideal world, I would only need to work about 20 hours to support my family, whereas, in reality, I currently need to work around 35 hours (my job is classed as part-time permanent, which means I can't work more than about 37 hours per week), but I genuinely do love the work I do, giving telephone English lessons to business people in other countries.

This is definitely the best way to help my loved ones experience life, because if I weren't working, we'd lose our home, vehicle, pets...it just wouldn't be fun, especially since it's not necessary.

[CelloMomCars]

CrunchyMama19, you could have been me.  My youngest was two when my research department was dissolved (and we were basically put out of the door).  It was the best thing they did for me since they hired me.  It was as if I just started to get to know my youngest.  A few years after that, both my children told me how glad they were that I no longer had what they called my "evening temper" (you know, they way night owls have a morning temper).  Life is easier this way.  Do I miss the research? Oh yes.  I loved the labrat life.  But I found that as long as I'm learning I'm happy.  I did independent consulting for a while.  I remodeled half the house, mostly by myself (LEARN!), and now I've started a blog on fuel efficient cars that is a lot about physics.  Something I can do while my employers are either at school or asleep.  And I love being able to connect with other moms at school, which is so different from the lonely labrat life, and very lovely.

[dentmom3]

Originally Posted by PennyRoo 

  It is impossible to describe the stress involved when a child is sick and you and your DH are having a fight at 5 in the morning over who has to be the one to stay home, when all your heart wants to do is take care of your sick child but there are pressing work obligations.  For years I juggled the craziness of trying to be there for every play, and every school concert, and leaving the office at noon to race home and retrieve a homemade ice cream cake from the freezer to bring into DD's school on her birthday, and then race back to the office.  Running out to grocery shop at 9:30 at night after the kids are asleep (with DH home, o' course).  Cleaning my house at 10:30 PM and making lunches at 11 PM for the next day.  Extracting myself from my DD's arms as she cried "don't leave me!" to go to work.  Thinking about my kids all day at work.  Dreading the occasional business trip.  Having weekend and evening commitments so that I missed out on soccer games, bedtimes, and so on.  Coming home and needing to focus on your kids, but simultaneously needing to put dinner on the table.  Oftentimes working late at night after everything is clean and kids are in bed, to make up for all the work left undone when I raced out of the office at 5 PM.  I just found it really, really difficult and painful. 

This.  All of this and this is exactly how I am feeling.  I am just not eloquent enough to express it in my own words.  I am a dentist.  I only work 2 days a week but also do accounting for my husbands practice on the days I am home.  I get a month off in the summer.  On paper I have the perfect situation.  But I still feel all of what PennyRoo wrote above.  Add to those feelings the fact that we don't need my income, one of the guys I work for is a jerk of the highest order and I could be doing so much more for my husband's business if I just had the time...so here I am agonizing over leaving my career.  I know what I truly want but I am afraid I will miss being a dentist.  I like being a dentist.  But my heart just isn't in it.  Sigh.  I just can't bring myself to pull the trigger and envy those who have the guts that I lack.

[porcelina]

I'm reviving this thread because the thoughtful responses were just so helpful for me! I am now 7 months into my job, and at a point of re-evaluation! Re-reading these replies has renewed my interest in pursuing some kind of alternative to the grind. Thanks again to all the posters! (and thanks for NOT turning it into a post to make judgements about women's choices, for the most part)

[mammal_mama]

With consulting, would you have an option of working part time and also of working from home?