how much time does your DH/DP spend with LO? « Back to Group Discussions

[nald1]

My husband works hard all day, comes home and handles putting DD to bed.  Tonight I then asked him to be with DS so I could eat and relax a minute.  He just came down and claims he hasnt had a break all day either.  The way I see it, he gets all night off while i have the baby in another room so he can get sleep to function at work.  Am I being selfish asking him to spend time withDS?  It also makes me sad he wouldnt want to....

[Italiamom]

If you're being the sole night time parent? Um, no, you can ask for time to eat your meal and take a shower. That's not selfish, that's equitable patenting.

[PoetryLover]

It's also courtesy, each partner helping to make sure each other's needs are being met. Eating and bathing are both needs. 

[Peony]

None. He holds DS2 every few days for a minute  when I make him but that it is. Granted DH is rarely home and DS2 hates anyone to hold him but me, but DH rarely held the babies that would go to him. He is not a baby person at all, he'd rather deal with any of the other kids then hold a baby. 

[kylaskye]

DH works nights, so I get all the nighttime parenting to myself, and stay out of the bedroom during the day, as well. But when I wake him up for work or school, I'll bring Liam in to him and he'll lay with him for a bit. He'll hold him and change his diaper and stuff when he gets home. He's good about doing his share when he has the time for it, but he's working his butt off with school and full time work so I can stay home with Liam. I can tell he feels bad about the time he misses. He's a much better father than I expected, actually. 

[PoetryLover]

I realized I didn't answer your question. DH spends a lot of time with DS1. He typically takes DS1 to the park or store on weekends and he does the bedtime routine with him, as well as early morning parenting on the days DS1 wakes early. He ALWAYS allows me to sleep in on the weekend.  Now, he has yet to spend nearly as much time with DS2, but DS2 is only 2 weeks and mostly wants mama in a major way. He isn't old enough for outings with DH just yet. But DH does get  his snuggles in where he can. DH is working full time and he just started school full time. We're in a transition with a very active toddler, a newborn and now school for DH (school started less than a week after DS2 was born, so there's been an extra lot to get used to).

So the short answer is not a lot, but not because he wants it to be that way.

[cat13]

DH spends lots of time with DS.  I don't know whether or not to put this here or on the 'confessions' thread, but I am sad to say that I have been getting babied-out pretty easily the last few days. DS is nursing all the time, and when he's not nursing or sleeping he seems to be crying... so lately I nurse him, snuggle him while he is cute & sleepy in my arms, then pass him off to daddy when he wakes up and starts to fuss.  For some reason, DH doesn't get as frustrated at the crying like I do, he just keeps trying new things to make DS happy. For me, if the boob doesn't work, I'm totally at a loss how to soothe him, and I don't seem to have as much patience as I'd like to have. 

Unfortunately, DH is trying to get out of the house as much as possible to finish up his thesis research while I'm still on maternity leave, so I'm at home by myself more and more. So I guess I should be getting more practice on the soothing thing! 

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by nald1 

My husband works hard all day, comes home and handles putting DD to bed.  Tonight I then asked him to be with DS so I could eat and relax a minute.  He just came down and claims he hasnt had a break all day either.  The way I see it, he gets all night off while i have the baby in another room so he can get sleep to function at work.  Am I being selfish asking him to spend time withDS?  It also makes me sad he wouldnt want to....

You definitely aren't being selfish!! I would approach it a little differently though, b/c I know how my DH is, as well.  I would be like, "After you decompress, can you hold the baby for a few min so I can grab a shower/eat/use the bathroom?"

I only say it this way to be nice.  I would sometimes like to just hand over the baby and be like, "Ok, your turn!" but that isn't conducive to a good marriage.  

[nald1]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

You definitely aren't being selfish!! I would approach it a little differently though, b/c I know how my DH is, as well.  I would be like, "After you decompress, can you hold the baby for a few min so I can grab a shower/eat/use the bathroom?"

I only say it this way to be nice.  I would sometimes like to just hand over the baby and be like, "Ok, your turn!" but that isn't conducive to a good marriage.  

good point- I was frustrated and tired last night and didnt do a good job at all communicating my needs.  DH does need a break and was trying to help - he isnt as comfortable with a baby but is willing to learn.  I just wanted him to handle it and didnt give him a fair shot :(- ugh
 

[SouthernStormy]

DH spends a lot of time with Magnolia. Because I wasn't able to successfully breast feed, he can do her feeding and everything else. So pretty much if he's home he's either taking care of her, or we're taking care of her together (ie- she's hungry, I'll fix the bottle, he'll feed her). He works all day, then comes home and does all the middle of the night stuff too (this morning I accidentally slept til 10!). Sometimes I feel a little guilty that she spends so much time with him- but usually most of her awake, bonding time is spent with me. Plus he's leaving in 2 weeks for almost a year and then I'll have to do everything 24/7 with no one to pass her off to so I can cook a meal, or take a shower, etc. So I figure I might as well get some "me time" now

[nald1]

Originally Posted by SouthernStormy 

DH spends a lot of time with Magnolia. Because I wasn't able to successfully breast feed, he can do her feeding and everything else. So pretty much if he's home he's either taking care of her, or we're taking care of her together (ie- she's hungry, I'll fix the bottle, he'll feed her). He works all day, then comes home and does all the middle of the night stuff too (this morning I accidentally slept til 10!). Sometimes I feel a little guilty that she spends so much time with him- but usually most of her awake, bonding time is spent with me. Plus he's leaving in 2 weeks for almost a year and then I'll have to do everything 24/7 with no one to pass her off to so I can cook a meal, or take a shower, etc. So I figure I might as well get some "me time" now

get it while you can!!!!!  I cant wait for the days DS is eating solids and I can "accidentally" sleep til whenever :)  - and go on a mini-vacation that I keep fantasizing about.....

[SynEpona]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 
  I would sometimes like to just hand over the baby and be like, "Ok, your turn!" but that isn't conducive to a good marriage. 

I don't know .... my approach of just announcing "incoming baby" and basically depositing Cate on DH's arm is working pretty well ... :) Plus, it makes DS laugh

[SynEpona]

Forgot to multiquote again.
 

Originally Posted by cat13 For me, if the boob doesn't work, I'm totally at a loss how to soothe him,

This is me, now with Cate. Finn was totally always soothed by nursing, till he was 3yo.

Cate is completely different. If she's not hungry, she's not interested in nursing, and she eats quickly, then is like ... ok, what now?. She likes to move around, change position, go outside, get a clean diaper, have someone hold the pacifier in her mouth for her, suck on a finger, lay on her back & wiggle her feet, listen to someone shake the elephant rattle ...

The fun part is that I will end up going through most of those things before finding the ONE thing that she wants in that moment. Really, having a 'I'm just hungry all the time' baby was less mental effort!

[Chaika]

DH spends a fair amount of time with the baby when he's home.  The problem is that his work schedule varies, and he's kind of absent-minded, so he doesn't always even let me know how long he'll be working.  For example, today he left for work around 10am and it's now 9pm and he's not yet home.  So I've been caring for the baby solo for 11 hours.  Thankfully, when he is home, I rarely change a diaper because he tends to do all of that.  He also seems to enjoy finding ways to attempt to calm a fussy baby.  And sometimes he even encourages me to go out to the store or something because he seems to like alone time with the baby.  But when I get home I often find that the baby is crying and hungry (even if I was only gone briefly) and then I feel guilty

[ursusarctos]

DH spends a lot of time with the baby, but he is home all day with me anyway so it's sort of natural. I do all the nighttime parenting but DH changes almost all the diapers during the day and entertains DD (she is also a "I'm done eating, what now?" type of baby) so it's really pretty equal. I also get babied out pretty easily and tend to just hand the baby off to DH. So far it seems to be working. When DH starts working on his thesis again I will do more of the daytime parenting.

[CrazyCatLady]

Not much.  I think he wants to because he follows me and the baby around a lot (and annoys the crap out of me lol).  He makes a lot of bottles for me.  But he isn't good at anything really hands on with her yet, and I think he is indimidated around me because of how much experience I have.  It can take him at least five minutes to change a t shirt on her.  So I've not dared have him attempt to cloth diaper yet lol.  I guess I'd say he maybe holds her a total 15 mintues a day...maybe.  He is also gone all of the time which doesn't help much.

[CrazyCatLady]

I do this too.  I say "here, have a baby" and dump her in his arms before he can object.  It works great.

 

Originally Posted by SynEpona 

I don't know .... my approach of just announcing "incoming baby" and basically depositing Cate on DH's arm is working pretty well ... :) Plus, it makes DS laugh

[Lynann]

DH doesn't get to spent much time with DS2 right now. He does do the night-time diaper changes for me so that I don't have to get out of bed, just sit up so I can nurse once the diaper change is over. DH did say yesterday that he mostly just sees the back of DS2's head, as its always attached to one of my boobs when he is awake.

However DH does do a LOT with DS1 when he is at home. As soon as he gets in from work & DS1 is up from his afternoon nap DH is giving DS1 constant attention right until DS1 goes down for the night. DH is also making dinner when he gets home right now, while looking after DS1 at the same time. DH has always done the bath & bedtime routine with DS1, and once DS2 is old enough he'll be included in that too.

DH is a very involved father, and I am really blessed to have him, but with DS2 being only 16 days old there isn't much DH can do with him right now other than diaper changes. Once we start having awake time that doesn't involve nursing (I know that day will come at some point) then DH will be able to spend more time with DS2.

[FischK]

DH is probably holding DS2 for about 10-20 min every day, but because of his school schedule and the long commute, he is rarely at home and when he is home, I usually ask him to deal with DS1. He does do diaper changes when he's around, but I found out a few days ago that he is terrified to be alone with DS2 because he has no way of soothing the baby - DS2 is only happy when he's attached to my boob. It's sort of sad b/c it means that I do not really have any time for myself until we've found a way to keep DS2 happy without nursing. And DH is sad because he really wants to spend more time with DS2 when he is at home - he stayed home when DS1 was born and he really enjoyed DS1 as an infant.

[kylaskye]

Originally Posted by FischK 

DH is probably holding DS2 for about 10-20 min every day, but because of his school schedule and the long commute, he is rarely at home and when he is home, I usually ask him to deal with DS1. He does do diaper changes when he's around, but I found out a few days ago that he is terrified to be alone with DS2 because he has no way of soothing the baby - DS2 is only happy when he's attached to my boob. It's sort of sad b/c it means that I do not really have any time for myself until we've found a way to keep DS2 happy without nursing. And DH is sad because he really wants to spend more time with DS2 when he is at home - he stayed home when DS1 was born and he really enjoyed DS1 as an infant.

DH said to me this morning, "I wish I had a mute button. All you have to do is put a boob in his mouth."