Lost: DH helping or... Are you my HS best friend?

[greenacresmama]

This all looked like such a blessing from Hawaii.. Move to mainland, get settled and begin homeschooling as a family. It has turned in to so much caosis. I am so tired to post, but I really need help. My DH is such a nice guy, I love him so much, his heart is so big... but he caves and really jumps up at any weather, any toddler nap time (to be his too) and any beautiful time for a walk. I am seriously thinking of getting out the planner really soon. It takes 5k years to even agree on the planner format or medium... it all takes so much effort to focus in a harmonious way, with no proding and all love.. to relax? to push? To buy stuff? to just use his blunt basic ways or ideas? (I want to be waldorf, he wants to be basic and basically "free" stuff... we have no job so this *is* actually a big deal)

Mama(s)... I am dealing with something totally not hsing as well.. It should be so easy to balance with him near.... I feel so much weirdness saying it here..here it goes, list format:

I really want to read blogs and make crafts, take field trips close by

I am a foodie, meal plan with farmer's market, deep into changing health with vegan and gluten free meals, 

Love a clean neat home, I seem to really keep doing this as he plays with them and it seems fine but... 

want way more time with *everyone* off the pc/netflixing/dvd (we have the mac. - I have an iphone.. I am thinking of seriously getting another one for hsing and meal planning...so tight, no space too)

I ****LOVE**** cuddling with my family and seeing the kids playing and laughing 

I also love waking up early and doing my makeup, hair a bit, and getting dressed in my pretty mom vintage skirts.

I love crafting...like at night like a good christmas elf..(hsing stuff?)

I really want to get lots of exercise because.. hate this one.. I am very serious about living long for my kids and it is not so easy for me..Not so hard, but let's just say - I *can't* leave this one out - giving them hugs is the most important thing above all so, I have to be here, yes this one and the food are way up there... feeling pretty is kind of a huge mental happiness boost and not so off when I think about it as a true health helper. 

My DH also feels this and want just the same for him.. it comes all so easy for him to find...it feels.. he isn't mean about it.. I just don't know how to get it without having to make these healthy meals first..

I do this stuff, everyday, with some real cooking with kids, reading books, aventures, nature spies, I feel so much blessing and bliss... in walks husband in whatever mood and not so just him, I think it too.. ehhhh, when do we teach them french? art? running? music? why is it when ever the other one things it is the right time? How does this feel to just be "here you go, let's do.." and.....

This feels so perfect to have him wanting to help. I know he totally needs leadership and it has to be free, so it needs me planning (sad lost whimper losing Waldorfy type days face). I know he will stand up tall the first few meetings and think he is leading the whole thing and then offer nothing the next morning but "showing up to help guide" (well as soon as done with xyz - you get started honey) ...

I have also asked him to learn guitar on his own outside the home for 5 hours but he refuses... he wants to help... He needs to help me because the goals are so big for me to finish without childcare too. 

I don't get it.. It has been 3 months of a lot of not getting it, false starts, broken promises, lofty goals, with him saying like 5 times "I thought you wanted to be very free about this?" But then I get so many beautiful moments, so many. And then suddenly "I wish we could teach them more (x), we should really do that"

I feel like I have to tell him every 20 mins what to do for support and then cancel half the time because the kids are doing something great and I don't want him to break it up, but then it becomes his moment too.. and then they are off to big plans of just playing in nature and now I suddenly have 30 minutes to clean up, and then maybe plan what may or may not happen the next few days...I have read all kinds of great posts tonight.. Oak Meadow may work for us, but Montessori without the price and Waldorf just feels impossible for me to plan without much money for anything besides the materials... those are usually what I would call a childhood need over toys and poptarts. If Public school comes up again I will shake and scream.. it seems like such a loss for our family to break up over ...must be fears and guilt... but gotta be poor planning..it is planning with him that is not directed at him and unknown how I am going to plan what he does which will surely, with a sly smile half the time totally not happen...

feeling torn and doubtful...hope is gray and I am usually so full of light.

[etsdtm99]

so, how old are your kids?  I am pretty new to HSing but i didn't want to not say anything at all - i love my husband, and we get along and we want the same basic things as far as our kids go but i would go completely insane if i had to job share with him on a full time basis.  your DH sounds like mine..  tell him you need to come upw ith a basic plan and stick to it for 1 year - (as long as its working) -its good to be flexible but try not question what you are doing or wish you could do xyz - put that stuff on the list for next year..  i'm assuming your kids are pretty young, and you have plenty of time

my DD is doing K and everything we are doing was either from the internet or 1$ workbooks from target or the dollarstore..  (because she likes that stuff)  it took me about 2 weeks (2ish hours a day of internet research etc) to come up with a years worth of ideas - i put them together one week at a time .. so i have a folder for every week with sticky notes and ideas written down - i never in a million years thought i could plan a whole year over the summer with the free stuff, not because its not there - but because i didn't think i knew what to do..  and having a weekly plan leaves us pretty flexible as far as going for walks and taking a day off here and there..  and it has taken away so much of the stress.. if i check off 75% of what i planned i call it a success and move on .. this leaves me plenty of time to do some of the other stuff on the list - cooking, exercise, cleaning - but i honestly never can find the time for much in the craft department - i figure that will come when they are older.. i did find time to make birthday party decorations but i never get to make stuff just for fun.. 

[SweetSilver]

My days never really go as planned, but my kids are young and in the moment, hard to pull away from the house.  At their age I don't really need to add more.  It's easy and wonderful to have a beautiful moment, but sometimes if you try to recreate that beautiful moment it's just gone.  Ruined by trying.  It sounds like you need more support from your dh.  But if your kids are young, give his free-and-easy methods a try.  Support your dh in that. If you want more French around the house, get kids' books in French.  For young kids, you don't need to schedule it.  If it happens, great, if it doesn't then try later.  Schedule more by increments over time and allow plenty of room for free wheelin' homeschoolin'.  Diving in to a more scheduled week straight off could create dissonance within the family.  How do the kids feel about your differing styles?

I apologize if I misread the situation.  Your post could use some more clarifying for me.

[Fillyjonk]

Ok am I correct with the following:

1. Neither you nor your partner work outside the home

2. You would like him to help more with the homeschooling

3. You would like him to lead more

4. You would like him to study guitar

5. You are trying to create a Waldorf like environment for your kids, your partner leans more towards unschooling

6. Your kids are 3 and 1

7. You are feeling conflicted about wanting/needing time to do your own thing away from the kids-exercise, craft and cooking

[mattemma04]

With kids that young I would just go with the flow of the moment.You can plan some activities,but accept changes without being upset. Definitely get in your time.Those younger years I got that during solo shopping/library runs,and late at night when all were asleep.

As the children grow their learning styles and interests will help guide you and your spouse in helping them learn.

I think you should relax more and just enjoy each other.No need for planning and making sure the kids know XYZ by age 5.They WILL learn the things you think they should.

[kathymuggle]

Just do want you want to do - you do not need DH's input or participation to do so.  Example - if you want to do crafts - do crafts!  Same with dressing nice in the mornings......  In an ideal world it would be nice if Dh could be the exact support you need, but that is probably not going to happen, and in many ways it is easier to do your own thing that try and change someone, yk?  Moreover - as long as he is taking on his share of responsabilities (house and child care) you really shouldn't try to change him.  Crafts and dressing nicely are your deal.

Some of your frustrations are definitely age related - it can be hard to get to your bucket list with young children - but this will change!

Hang in there,

kathy

[Fillyjonk]

Not clear at all how old your kids are OP. From your signature they could be 3 and 1, or they could be around 8 and 6. Quite a difference!

[greenacresmama]

Awe! Thanks so much! This really does help!

Okay, so sorry, kids are newly 4 (July) & 2 (Sept) & my son is the "schooling" one, but sister is totally here & in the flow a majority of the time, even not napping most days. 

My husband is willing to home school but only if we teach stuff and growing much more on PB school side and but I sadly think he is  not supported and talking to everyone bringing the whole "unprepared" speech or even "your kids would be happier" and it makes me sooooooooo broken hearted. It is *so* pushed on him that he vacillates; I can tell it is getting him so upset he is starting to be upset about not having anything to even talk about to these people.

I am allowing this "real homeschool" to come in & giving my unschooling plans a pass, & I am really comfortable because DH seems to unschool without realizing it, he has read "Homeschooling & the Voyage of Self-Discovery: A Journey of Original Seeking" by David Albert"   & was really open to the idea & he has a lot of mechanical & numerical skills, with my passion for nature & we would be open to classes when our kids really asked for them (& we try to expose too). We live close to DC & we take little chunks (1.5 hrs away). Anyway, I see lots of unschooling & I totally peg DH as unschooler, he does not. & we clash because I am *not* in love with worksheet life & really long for a Waldorf lesson if I am going to formally do that. I think the Montessori comes into play a lot, but that is basically anything & anything that you would call a manipulative looks like smelly oils or a leaf puzzle off etsy. The toys we were handed down & trickled in from Goodwill really show a pop culture & I totally hide them & bring them out - saying, we are so not a Waldorf type family... that is why I was hoping Oak Meadows would be...hmm... maybe I can find a used stuff - it would just be for DH - he *wants* real school stuff.

Staci, for sure.. I think you get it... it is suppose to be grand. Since I am so "they are young & unschooling" I don't do much... I really want to do something like this.. I will... 2 weeks/2 hrs is a great answer I can plan thank you!

I really am only doing something (& asking for help/tips) because he gets anxious & sad in his own way (pressure tone).. it comes & goes around experiences...mostly other peoples kids :D. & one mom I know is so much stricter than the both of us whose two kids are learning daily & timely (& whose DH works on those days m-f too) are learning at a great pace.

Mattemma04, my son is a huge sweetheart that is going to be imaginative & strong willed. He has a deep sense of himself & is totally not into doing things that, well, seem like school these days. He has told me clearly he would like to learn his letters at 5 yrs old. DH says, this all comes from my perspective & I so hate this... I will try to tell him again clearly how much this is not so....Athena is already trying to learn letters, not kidding. I got a ABC poster (vintage design) for one wall (DH requested),  hung it high because not framed ( not into posters or other blaring wall things other than real art. Freddy might have a hard time in school, I would call him smart & others in a group would call him too sensitive/challenging, too much "his own road" & not focused; it is a fine line that many HSing books talked about - I don't want to mold him for the factory setting, I think he is fine because I get him and don't think he should cower or herd (DH and are so different about this, yet DH is SO much like him!) We don't like bribing but it some how sneaks in, it is mostly discussing everything & I hate that I have to tell him, visually the consequences but 50% of time "because I said so" does not work at all. He wants to understand the outcome. I can't even watch or read the news so it troubles me to talk about malnutrition, etc. Anyway.. 

I guess the struggle feels like the young years (thanks Kathy) are the hardest ones to give DH lead with HS or even part time. YKWIM? The cooking is never going to happen, exercise is kind of personal, & the guy will say the poem, but not sing on key & also... I play better? I am just better at bringing out a spark on Freddy's cue.... I don't think this is ever going to happen again, but one time he forced Freddy's hand to write a letter & I had a *long* & strong convo about how I will not allow this to ever happen... well.. maybe one day with getting him to finish a project he started in more of a pressure voice or something. I have a sensitive side about inspiration. DH really got this and with more free time I have noticed been researching his expectations and coming back to me with a much better view, as though he read the harm/damages vs. the freedom bringing out happiness, love and amazing inner inspirations. Yet, he still wants "something/progree" (it is school looking I think).

One last think, Fillyjonk, yes, almost, 4-2 ...I wanted him to lean guitar for 5 hours to bring music lessons to our kids but mostly to ****leave*** because then I would not have to discuss every lesson that is really happening.. which makes me really consider journal-ling him even at 4, to get it some realism or something..

 

Edited by greenacresmama - 9/18/11 at 8:31pm

[greenacresmama]

Forgot to say, I joined a group of HSers & Unschoolers are most :)

Thanks for all the replies! They are very sweet! Hugs! ..see Athena just hugged Freddy & said "I love you" I so don't want a public school lifestyle.. I want to be a close knit family.. this is my semi-retirement husband's dream come true & PS seems like such a waste, stress too.

Helping me out is DH's way to support my health & I should get a bullet list side by side for the chores each week... I better set an alarm & ask him to do the things verbally for awhile. I need some help though because the food is giant. He keeps saying he would find ten recipes & just cycle them & that makes me so sick. I will find ten staples (vegan & gluten free) & use them if they pass but this year is going to be work... meal planning & changing the whole Hawaii to Mainland diet is so much bigger than expected.. I might have to start sprouts too. The level of veggies & honestly my kids ask for over most other snacks is huge. It is a big deal, I mean no snacks from a box or bag type eating & the toddler tummies that are like 85% vegan...we eat almost around the clock.

Maybe it is  &  because I feel so unprepared. I ideally would have the Waldorf lessons in my head & simply talk my DH through a lesson & hand him a poem or book & then be there the other times for crafts, modeling, & nature outings. It would be free. But I have no lessons, I read blogs whenever I can to train myself & I know I should be reading books all the time... I should have started before birth.. now I feel like I have to pick something fast.. if it is going to be a path then follow it, etc. My DH is not rude but feels as much disconnected being Waldorf as I do basic bubbly lady bug worksheets or crafting with glue & dollar store supplies. He has a great time doing nature & fixed the car today with Fred at his side.. he forgets this but when he asks me to do letters (& Fred is turned off by the regular method (mad me)) I tell him to go outside & use nature, & they do, & not one but many letters are made & I am very happy. I am happy because DH sees how nurturing nature can be & how much Fred responds to the whole world of it!!! I am not happy because he needs desk type teaching mode & I am now "off" the "old/us" way but I have no gift toffer up now..& Waldorf doesn't feel like you can tell a person to do when you are not trained...like he has got to go do it all too... This will not happen... 

I also feel so totally lonesome.. Like the Waldorf moms  could never be friends with my family because we would be totally off key. The unschooling families might be put off by DH (or the other way... when you have a DH at hip it gets confusing) & I would never judge a soul (unless you know, bad stuff). I would still have a family that makes do with presents or hand me downs because the very act of an older kid around giving my children stuff is sweet & I can tell it just built something. (After so much talk to my extended family & close friends at gift giving - they don't get it... it is so hard to say it loudly & clearly.) & my DH is going to promote legos & totally into TV when he needs a break.. My close friend that will hang out with me lives near by & is far from Waldorf environment but we have the same age children/sex, but loves to cook & garden...  SO I am here. 

Okay... I am going to just go pray to God that he will look at & love the Christopherus guide...maybe if I can get a guide this year the other years will be easier for me to plan & do... or just get to later. Trouble is.. the First Grade will be what I would pick  & I... I am so unsure about that... & so unsure what that will lead to in our HSing future..if we have one.. It is troubling... I just don't want HSing to go away & barely care at all my 4 yr old gets ANY school!!!!! That is why this post is labeled "lost" Thank you all so much for helping me in the past postings..  It is weird how much just a little support helps lift my spirits!!! 

Edited by greenacresmama - 9/18/11 at 8:38pm