How to respond to pushy but well-meaning relatives?

[IrishWristwatch]

I'll preface this by stating that I love my family dearly, and I have no desire to "cut them out" as seems to be a popular thing with parents to do with anyone who disagrees with them about something.

That said, I'm having major problems with my grandma. My kids' great grandma. She grew up in the age where the big fear was polio, and the vaccination was like a miracle. So given that it's unsurprising she's very pro-vaccine and very distraught that I've never vaccinated. This is my grandma who had a big hand in raising me and who lived with my parents and me when I was growing up; she's a huge person to me and I love her dearly, but no matter how much I evade her and try to turn the conversation away, or flat out tell her that it's not up for discussion, she is becoming more and more persistent about it. My mom (who herself is pro-vax, but not militantly and respects my choice), and even my grandpa has told her to cool it but she's afraid and she thinks she's doing the best thing for them, which I can't truly be cross with her about.

Has anyone else ever had a thing like this come up? How did you deal with it without burning bridges or allowing them to continue to the point where you get burned out on them because of it?

Thanks in advance.

[shiningpearl]

I was just reading this article this morning.  You need to understand where your grandmother is coming from, but also present some information to her that is relevant.

How a Continuing Polio Epidemic is being Hidden

This was achieved by announcing that in future all patients with the classic polio paralytic symptoms were to be diagnosed initially as having ‘Acute Flaccid Paralysis (AFP)' and thus reported to the regulatory authorities

and after searching AFP, I discovered that is the major symptom of west nile.

[kathymuggle]

Well, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

I can think of some other things.

1.  tell her you need a break from discussing it.  Tell her you will discuss it with her again in 6 months or whatever. 

2.  Does she feel heard?  Repeat back to her what she said.  Sometimes people who bring up the same points over and over again do not feel heard.

3.  Acknowledge her feelings, but point out the stats.  Does anyone get polio in the US anymore?  Don't they only get it from vaccines at this point - there is no wild polio?  Research a bit and present your findings

4.  Write a note - sometimes it is easier to express things in letters - and you are less likely to get into arguements, etc.

5.  Practice saying "this is not up for discussion" every single time she brings it up.  Follow up by leaving the room.  She eventually should get the idea.  I would do this after you have tried the above to no avail.

[McGucks]

I am usually a very honest person, so this may be an odd thought, but would you consider somehow kind of misleading your grandmother?  Maybe something like "We are doing the vaxes recommended to us" (even if you are only doing one), then not providing any details?  Easier said than done, I am sure.

If you aren't doing any, this puts you in a different situation as it'd be outright lying.  Hmmm.

MIL knows we selectively vax.  She doesn't approve and, for whatever reason, only ever brings it up with me.  Grrr.

Towards your issues, we have similar challenges regarding our LO's food.  We are very particular about his food (he is 17 months) and I have started using the line "He has some food restrictions."  Well, it's true...DH and I restrict him to healthy food, so I don't feel that this is lying and is more polite and definitive, perhaps, than what I used to say ("Thank you, but we just ate" or whatever).  I know it'll get harder when he's old enough to WANT the donut offered to him or whatever...

Good luck with your situation.

[ma2two]

I don't know how to help you, but I hope this (and the many similar stories I've seen on MDC and elsewhere) serve as a warning to others who are considering telling family and friends about their decision to not vaccinate. There is no need to know, and unlike things like diet choices, like caedenmomma mentioned, this is something nobody can know unless you tell them.

My husband and I decided to not vaccinate our kids, and we've had zero problems, because the only people who know are the doctor, and the person at the school who processes the admission paperwork.

[IrishWristwatch]

Thanks everyone for the insightful suggestions. I'll mull over it all over the next few days.

 ma2two, that's the very reason I usually don't tell anyone. But you have to understand that when you live in the same town as your entire family and are together all the time, sooner or later, everyone knows everyone else's business. My daughter is 6 and my son is almost 5, and grandma only recently found out about this, so I actually quite commend myself on keeping it quiet this long. That's why she's so outraged about it I think, maybe if she had known from birth, she'd be over it by now.

[peainthepod]

"I understand your heart is in the right place, but this is the decision we've made and it's not open for further discussion." [change the subject]

"I understand that you feel very strongly about this, but we've made our decision and it is final." [change the subject]

"I understand that you wish we would give our children vaccines, but we are the parents and this is our final decision." [change the subject]

"Thank you for your concern, but our children's medical choices are a private matter and not open to a vote." [change the subject]

And the final boundaries-setting response, the one that most sane people will heed instantly: "I understand that you're worried, but we're not going to change our minds and I'm not interested in talking about this again. Please drop it or I'll have to [leave the room/hang up/ask you to leave]. I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings, but the constant pressure and badgering is making me very uncomfortable around you." Immediately change the subject and if they still don't let it go, follow through with ending the visit right then! Unless you're dealing with a toxic, you will only have to do this once or twice at the most.

Sometimes you just have to stonewall people. They can argue until they're blue in the face...until they realize there's nothing to argue about, because it's no longer on the table for discussion. It's hard to argue with an empty chair, a closed door, or a dial tone. Remember, you are the parents and your word is final. The end. Period. Your grandmother had her chance to be a mom and now it's time for her to step back and let you have your turn with your own children.

Even in a small town, your babies' medical care can be private. You just have to be willing to (kindly and gently) tell loved ones to mind their own business.