where do I go from here?

[mamatoady]

I got married when I was 21 to a man I knew for 2 months.  We were both depressed, lonely, and didn't give a lot of thought to much.  That was 12 years ago.  I just got our divorce finalized this summer.  In that marriage I walked out with three amazing kids.  I also walked out with a lot of distrust in men.  My ex was emotionally cut off our entire marriage.  Whereas I fought to get out of my depression and wanted to improve myself and my life--he never did.  He remains disconnected from everyone and everything and is still depressed.

I never trusted him fully.  I have good reason to believe he cheated on me numerous times.  I stopped having sex with him 2 years before our divorce was final because I  didn't trust him.

I had to create my own closure with the divorce because he is so detached (and passively agressive--blaming everyone else for the hurt he causes).

I feel like I have so much to give and I think I am capable of being a really strong partner in a relationship.  I don't feel like I've ever really been in love--just been trying to keep this fake marriage alive.  I want and crave love with someone who will love me in return.

I cannot put myself in therapy right now, but want to try to heal from that relationship.  I have no idea where to start. 

ideas?

[Katie T]

I don't think I have a lot to give to help but couldn't read without out responding. I am so glad you moved on so you can have a happy future. Having  a happy mother is so important for the children!

I think just starting by waking up each day and knowing that you deserve the best will be a start. Maybe start a journal that you write what you are thankful for each morning and then doing a entry each evening as you feel the need to write.

I think just learning to really love yourself is the best thing you can do right now. After you have had time to heal and "find" yourself I think you can move onto the next stage which is a relationship. But you can't rush it and you have to be confident in yourself first. Good luck!

[Hollycrand]

You don't just wake up one day and just 'love yourself'.  It comes gradually.  I am still working on it, after a similar experience to the OP and a divorce. 

Take one day at a time.  There will be ups and downs.  It's all a part of the process.  Just take the time to figure out to progress yourself through some hobbies/interests.  Not only is that a great place to meet people (and perhaps a potential partner), but it's just a great place for you to do something you enjoy. 

Communicate with friends, family, even yourself by writing in a journal or on a blog.  It's a great way of organizing your thoughts.  Sometimes talking with others can help us change our ideas or give us a fresh perspective on something.

Talk or write about possibilities in your life...these are what you'd like to see happen.  Don't rush and try to just say you want to find your true love right away....first of all, perhaps take inventory of your strengths, the places in your life where'd you like to see improvement, somethings you'd like to know more about....

and see where that goes.

[Linda on the move]

The book "you can heal your life" by Louise Hay is my personal favorite for this kind of growth.

You have tremendous power to make your life what you want it to be. It does start with loving yourself.

Although there is great love in your future, you aren't ready for it yet. Ironically, when you are ready for it, when you really love yourself and your relationships with others are an outflow of your connection with your true self, you won't *need* or *crave* others to love you.

You'll just be able to enjoy it, knowing that YOU are fine with it or without it.

A simple way to start it by looking yourself in the eyes in a mirror and saying "I love you, I really love you."

[gitanamama]

It sounds to me like you've already started the powerful healing process by reaching out to others. Well done. And it also sounds like your heart is very much alive and well, although certainly grieving and hurt. I think the previous posters have offered some very valuable advice (wise ladies!)---keep opening up and reflecting, through meditation, reading, journaling, blogging, talking, and exploring. I think it would be great to take a class or two (yoga? dance? pottery? writing? anything!) as a way of dedicating time and space to yourself and your growth, as well as meeting new people. 

I love the book, "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times," by Pema Chodron. She's a Buddhist monk, but the advice and wisdom she offers reaches across religions/spirituality. 

Good luck mama--you sound like a brave and powerful lady and I'm sure you'll find a wonderful, fulfilling partnership in the future. 

[Katie T]

Originally Posted by Hollycrand 

You don't just wake up one day and just 'love yourself'.  It comes gradually. 

I didn't mean it would happen over night. I mean to make a start of it...it will take awhile to truly believe it.

[A&A]

Figure out what is fun in your life.  Take a class.  Learn to play an instrument.  Go jogging or swimming. 

[Hollycrand]

Katie T,

I didn't mean it as a snarky comment as a reply to what you said...