This may turn into a vent, but theories are always welcome.
It seems to me that I have to let go of normal expectations in order to cope with life. My most recent example is I am in the middle of canning season and I needed to get my pears done a day or two ago. I also have tomatoes that need to be jarred, and I need to clean the resultant mess from doing all this. This doesn't include feeding the kids, looking after their physical and emotional needs, laundry, gardening, cleaning the house, etc.
I have been understandably stressed about everything, especially because I've been needing to stay up until 3am several nights to get things done because when the kids are awake it seems like I can't do anything. When I get stressed I take it out on the kids due to my abusive history. For my to cope I have to have ridiculously low expectations of my life, like, "Hurray, I washed and dried one load of laundry today!" or, "I fed the kids three meals!" or, "It's okay if most of my pears rot and we really needed to can them for money reasons!"
Whenever I lower myself like that it feels like a reinforcement of the indoctrination of my childhood, namely that I'm worthless and can't work hard and can't keep my house clean and stupid and wasteful and etc. That I'm not good enough to keep a normal household and still be nice to my family.
Is anyone else in the same predicament? How do you deal with it? I'm either very productive or I'm nice to the kids, it seems like I can't be both. But because I demand both from myself I can never win.