STBX suddenly became a dad - why do I feel hurt?

[phenomom]

I don't know how I should put this and I feel bad about feeling this way, but I feel really jalous when my STBX takes our DD out. I wanted out and told him a few months ago. Before that he wasn't very involved and I pretty much did EVERYTHING, all he did is complain if we "mad too much noise" or something. I made me wean her when we weren't ready. Anyway, now all of a sudden his spending time with her, taking her places and getting her ice cream and all that and somehow it really hurts. I almost feel like he doesn't deserve to have a close relationship with her because he didn't put in any time, getting up at night, playing with her, and just dealing with her when she is challenging (she is a spirited child). He just swoops in and is the fun dad (she' is 4 and he brought her home at 9.45 PM tonight!). And mostly because he's getting close with a women (who also has a child DD's age) that hangs out at his friend's place. I guess I'm just having a hard time "sharing" DD when before he didn't really make any attempts to have a close relationship with her, and I'm afraid I'm going to loose my "special connection" with DD I have enjoyed so far. Well, I thought I might feel better writing this out, but I don't, but I do appreciate anybody out there "listening" to my rant. Thank you all.

[Mom31]

I hear you. My ex was totally uninvolved then became super dad.

It takes time and I still have pangs of anger.... but all in all even tho he was late to the game I am glad he suited up and joined in.

I used to get so angry and think of all the times that he let me down- all the times I was stuck alone with two kids while he ignored our needs. It made me crazy and hurt.

He can't replace you.

[phenomom]

Thank you so much for replying. I do feel happy for DD to finaly get the attention she deserves, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who had those other feelings as well. Thanks!

[Learning_Mum]

You'll always have a special connection with your DD. My DS1 is 6yo and I'm the one that he talks to about any problems he has and I'm the one that he knows he can act out with and still be loved and safe.

I get angry that STBX gets to be the fun guy. I'm that one that has to deal with all the crap stuff and the day to day stuff and he gets to swoop in and do the fun stuff. I'm tired and worn out and have no patience but he's always full of energy and patience because he only has them two days a week. Plus I am by myself and he lives with his parents, sister and girlfriend so there are more hands to help out. I just try to do fun stuff when we can and remind myself that I'm the one they feel safe with. I'm the parent, he's kind of like a fun uncle at this point. My relationship with them is far closer.

[PiperLime]

I hear you! My ex is now becoming (more of a) super dad. I'm super pissed b/c he didn't do anything at all up until now. He acts like he's entitled to be around DS, and I feel like he needs to earn it. He can count on one hand the number of diapers he's changed and DS is 8 months old!!! (ranting... sorry) 

Your relationship with DD will always be closer and you'll be the one she trusts and turns to. She'll have enough friends and fun people in her life, but she'll always only have one mom! Keep your head up, mama, you're doing great!

[bu's mama]

I've been working on dealing with my resentment also.  DD is 9 & I've done most of the parenting since we separated about 5 years ago as well as before we split.  He had seen her for the scheduled time but never wanted anything more, wouldn't call her for days at a time, etc. and then this...

Originally Posted by phenomom 

...And mostly because he's getting close with a women ....

now he's dad of the year.  These days I'm pretty close to hating him because he puts on such a show for the girlfriend & has hurt dd in the process. 

I'm working on accepting my feelings and then focusing on my relationship with dd since it is the only one I can change.  It sucks to have feelings you don't want & you're definitely not alone.
 

And most of all, nothing will replace the bond you have.  Good luck mama

[MamaRhi]

It's amazing how common this is. It's also sad. My ex, after 12 years of never really being involved, suddenly became super dad when I left. And then he started telling ME how to parent. I could only laugh. In the nearly 2 years since we've split up, I have noticed that his "parenting" changes with each girlfriend. My kids are now almost 10 and 13 and they are pretty smart. They can read right through their dad. They enjoy the time with him but they also know what's up.

Sadly, it has convinced me that I don't want to have kids with anyone else ever again.

[starsundersky]

i believe, and have to believe, that our kids will see right through it when we raise them to be strong, intelligent beings. in the meantime, we have to wait, and be glad our children feel loved.

isn't it amazing how "great" deadbeats come when the meet a woman? it makes me angry to feel like my child is merely a commodity.