Infertility is so isolating, amirite?

[Mamma Mia]

Hi guys, I've been TTC on and off for 7 years.  I haven't had the luxury of having insurance cover treatment for much of that, so there have been long spells I couldn't see an RE.  I'm in week two of my tww after hMG/IUI, but they were looking for 5 follicles and got 2, so we'll see.  After doing this so many times, I don't feel hopeful.

It seems like everyone around me is pregnant or talking about a pregnancy of someone close to them.  And while that has probably always been the case, it is hitting me really hard right now. 

Is anyone else avoiding facebook, family events, talking to certain people and even sticking close to home to avoid running into pregnant women, babies and so on?  I love babies and mamas and my best friend is pregnant right now so I am even avoiding her.  I'm a doula and student midwife (not currently practicing) and I am thinking about becoming an accountant!  I feel really alone.

And even on infertility boards - after 7 years of watching women get pregnant around me, some with my own advice, I even feel kind of alone in these places.  But I know that I'm not.  Can this be a safe space to release feelings of sadness and isolation?

[renavoo]

Hi Mamma Mia, just wanted to give you a . You may feel all alone but yes, there are others around you that know exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling. I've been trying for 2 years and I'm so with you...I hate facebook now. i go on for about 2 minutes just to see whether i need to wish anyone a happy birthday. (in fact, i've decided that when I finally get pregnant, I'm definitely NOT going to post about it on facebook, just in case there are others like us out there!)

I also try to avoid pregnant people. My SIL is pregnant though and about to give birth (tomorrow, c section) so I need to get over that! I try to pretend that I'm happy for a person when she announces she is pregnant and inside, I just weep. No one in my family knows I'm going through this so i feel alone on that front too. When anyone from my family asks me whether i'm planning on getting pregnant soon (i'm 35 so i'm getting that more often), I just shrug and walk away. But a couple of things get me through it...

1) The women here. Even if the women on any of my forums gets pregnant, I'm so happy. (still sad that I'm not pregnant but really happy for them) I just think that we all know how much pain, effort and tears have gotten us to this point and so when one of us gets pregnant, it's a reason for hope.

2) My DH. he's been so amazing in all of life but never more in making me feel like I'm not alone. Never in life will "for better or worse" be more poignant than during infertility struggles. I know my DH wants a baby asap but he never makes me feel rushed or defective.  (I have unexplained infertility, dh is fine) I don't know what i would do without him.

You know what really annoys me? It annoys me when I think back to when i was young and everyone was telling us how we had to be so careful because it's so easy to get pregnant. Not that I would have wanted to get pregnant then but seriously, what the heck?!?! I go through my what ifs a lot...what if I stopped bcps much earlier than I did? (It took me 1.5 years to regulate after birth control pills- i only stopped them 3 months before trying to conceive). What if I started trying younger? What if what if what if. ARGH!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that I know many of the women here can relate. I certainly can. So I hope that you get a lot of joy in other areas of life and that you get your BFP soon. Then, you can be the one finally making the announcement.

[Mamma Mia]

(in fact, i've decided that when I finally get pregnant, I'm definitely NOT going to post about it on facebook, just in case there are others like us out there!)

I feel the same way!

I try to pretend that I'm happy for a person when she announces she is pregnant and inside, I just weep. No one in my family knows I'm going through this so i feel alone on that front too. When anyone from my family asks me whether i'm planning on getting pregnant soon (i'm 35 so i'm getting that more often), I just shrug and walk away. But a couple of things get me through it...

I do the same when I hear about a new pregnancy.  I finally started telling people this year (after all these years I was ready to have an explanation for why I gave the death stare at people when they asked me certain questions) about my infertility and what all I've been through.  It was after my ovarian drilling surgery.  I had explained it away by saying they were removing cysts, which is true, but I decided that if I was going to go on a breathing tube and have my guts pushed up into my ribs so someone could poke my ovaries with a hot stick, it was time to get at least a little recognition for my pain!  My mother in law and her sister in law have been really great since I told them, and I feel less alone.  And my mother in law purposely makes a buffer from annoying family questions now, which is good.

Obviously wishing you luck in your ttc journey, Renavoo!

[happy2bamama]

Hi ladies - 

I saw this post and it brought me back to when I was TTC my son 6 years ago and it took us 18 long months.  The isolation I felt was so unexpected - you are not alone :) In fact, it caused me to put together a book (which then turned into a website) of questions and answers from a variety of other women TTC because I was dying not being able to share this with others and know all the quirky things they were doing too!

The website with all these interviews is www.tlcforttc.com.  This isn't a shameless plug - it just so turns out that I am TTC #2 and am lurking around on here trying to figure out what the heck is going on with my cycle and I saw your post and thought maybe my site might be something you're looking for.

Best,

Brandy

[wissa19]

Momma Mia you sound like a BSL that is unless your fertility treatment worked last month! Hope you got some good news.  Please, don't feel alone. There are many women facing the same struggles you are.

[lifeguard]

It took us 6 years to conceive ds. It was an awful, awful time for us, me especially. I was becoming so bitter & angry & alone feeling near the end of that time period that it was a big deciding factor in dh & I moving to another country for a work opportunity - it was such a relief to put some real distance between us & all of our fertile friends. I literally was calling ahead to events to find out if the most recent pregnant or new baby was going to be there & then declining to attend if they were 'cause it just hurt too much.

Infertility is such a brutal thing to go through. I really hope you have your own babe in arms soon.

[bootsvalentine]

This thread makes me feel a little less alone. It's getting to the point that I am angry when I hear about expectant friends. Just heard about one who is expecting her second. She took two years and two losses to conceive her first and I thought she would be more supportive during our ttc but she's busy and disinterested.

Starting clomid this month. I have no idea where we are on our journey, need a good doctor and some explanation as to why this is happening.

[bbeal]

You are so correct. Every pregnant woman i see makes me think of what i don't or maybe wont have and that is hard to swallow even tho I'm happy for  the woman i still have a emptiness inside