Body Image issues...Now worse since dh cheated with someone with a great body, how do I cope?

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

My body is ugly, I have tons of stretch marks, small uneven breasts, bits of cellulite on my thighs, i burn easily so I am very pale. Dh cheated on me with someone with an awesome body, and me and my snooping got to see first hand her naked, dtd with my dh. I was so insecure about my flaws now, how will I ever move on? everytime I think about myself physically I will always compare myself to her, and now I have the graphic images in my mind. I am so upset. I do not know how I will ever recover knowing that my dh chose to be with someone at the same time as me, he was always commenting on my flaws and I now know that I am not so sexually attractive to him. And now anyway I could improve myself physically will always be in vain because I will feel like I am trying too hard. I hate it, I had no control about my physical appearance, but the truth is, I am not that great looking on the outside....Is there a way to move on and heal my self image. I don't think that I will ever look at myself the same knowing all what she looks like, i will always compare. I don't think I will ever want to be naked in front of my dh or another man again.

Oh and hello dh, I know you will read this since you joined to read all my posts...

[peacenlove]

I don't know what to say :(

It sounds like you are in a very bad place right now.   I am sure there are many mama's here that can relate to your cheating h, but that is a whole other kettle of fish. Marriage builders is often mentioned. And if you do want to work on your marriage that is your choice, but I think you need to work on your own stuff more.

However you came to see the sorted photos of your h and the other woman ( and I use that term loosely and would really like to call her something else, but I digress) you need to decide if you are in a marriage where you are respected and loved.

Having children changes our bodies, but having a husband who is so disrespectful towards you is another thing!

Can you find time to work out? Go for walks, get active - for you - you will feel better and look better- you are worth it and deserve to be happy. Start tomorrow, little steps, set goals, I don't know how old your dc are but it took me a while to get to a place where I was happy with my body post babies. You can find that place too.

I am sorry to read you are having such a hard time and I hope you are able to find a way to work on yourself.

Blessings

Kathleen

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

i am finding more me time, but i think the graphic photos threw me for a loop, i just found them 2 days ago. All this stress has helped me lose some baby weight, not the way i wanted to lose it, but about 15lbs in 3 weeks, I have about 14 lbs to get to post baby weight, but i gather i will keep going probably will loose at least another 15 or so...I am trying to walk more, it is good for me and helps get out all the pent up rage i have about my circumstances. I suppose I need to focus more on spirituality, as that is another area that i am very badly lacking. Dh says he likes my body but he does make negative comments and well, i was not enough for him obviously because he was with someone else for 1/5 th of our married life. I know in my heart of hearts I am beautiful, and I am not hideous, but I find my flaws and focus on them because those are things that she had that are so much better than me. Having your dh tell you you need a boob job all the time and then finding out he is with a woman with impeccable breasts is very disheartening.

[chel]

So sorry about all this. My nsdh cheated on me with a woman 10 yrs younger than me. He made comments about my heavy breast, I was nursing a newborn:eyesroll.
It's been over a year and it is still difficult to be comfortable around him.
Wish I could help, but you are not alone.

[papabird06]

I guess I am the dh u... And just wanted to put my side and my point of view as in most of the posts here the other side never gets to explain their side.... Honey I love u more than anything else ever... And I want to grow really old with u... I am really sorry I was weak and Cud not control myself with that woman. And its all my fault and not urs... I guess u r insecure about ur boobs which I understand but I fucked up I cheated and its not because of ur body its because i was stupid and weak ... I have never said I donot like ur boobs I have always loved them and have not talked about them being different whenever I have said u have the most beautiful body u came out saying hey I have mismatched boobs and a lot of times and that's when I started suggesting u that then we shud get a boon job to make u more secure... So I donot want u to have boobs I love urs dearly. Pls donot twist my words... I said that may be u shud get boon job but only after ur telling 100 times about them being small so I can build ur security better... U know that I am not a boobs guy any ways ... I love bootie and u have the best one in the city...I donot know what u will decide whether u will forgive me or not... But pls think calmly ...will love u forever and urs truly DH

[Imakcerka]

Maybe you should have told her that to her face.  Not on here.  And I really don't think it's fair that you're on here to begin with.  She came here to talk to other women about what she's going through. 

I'm not going to man bash.  I don't do that, but I honestly think you as in "WIFE" need to take care of yourself.  Seek therapy and find ways to work on you.  Your appearance is nothing if what is in side can't show through.  And it wouldn't matter how beautiful you are on the outside. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Since he must be reading this, I'm just going to up and say it. Leave this jerk's a$$! He doesn't deserve someone as good as you. You must have had a healthy self image before this and he ruined that. I honestly think that a partner that would point our their spouse's physicaly flaws does not deserve them and he obviously has done this. He violated you in so many ways by cheating on you. Not only that, but he lied to you and everyone that attended your wedding and God(if you believe in that). Nothing would be harder than trying to stay and think of him cheating on you again and again, not knowing who it is and what she looks like, and worse, what she MIGHT look like. :( Hang in there and just take care of you. That's the only thing that matters and only thing that should matter as far as your looks go. In my previous two pregnancies, I HATED my body and felt like a huge cow and could have sworn that DH was looking at other women, wishing I looked like them. This time, I could care less, because only I can take care of me and I KNOW I deserve to look and feel good. Never feel like you're trying too hard to look good, because if you think you look good and you feel good, dammit, give yourself credit. Your DH is missing out big time on someone as good as you.

And now that I see the "DH's" side of it all, it's the STUPIDEST excuse I've ever heard. If you love your partner and her body, you LOVE ON her body! Not someone else's. 1/5 of the marriage is a long frickin time to be with another woman and it makes my stomach turn that a person would make a marriage a complete lie with such inpurity. You're better off without him, BabyBird.

[Imakcerka]

I actually think this is a joke now... or the response from the guy. 

[NatureMom2Two]

What a loser. Seriously. Hacking into a women's' forum to issue some lame semi-apology...where he still takes no accountability (you "twist his words" and you are the one who is "insecure" about your breasts), and then issues some half-a$$ed "mea culpa" that speaks more to physical characteristics then even the most basic comprehension of how HIS actions might have injured you and your family? That is the epitome of lame. LAME.

Here's my advice: Leave him. You'd find a lot more self esteem on your own than with some jack-hole belittling you and blaming you for HIS infidelity. And he's not serving your children through his actions or words, either. It's hard to be on your own...but it's worse to be stuck with this loser. It's not you...it's him. He really is a piece of work. I don't know you...but I know you can do better. This has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with Mr. Wrong.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by papabird06 

I guess I am the dh u... And just wanted to put my side and my point of view as in most of the posts here the other side never gets to explain their side.... Honey I love u more than anything else ever... And I want to grow really old with u... I am really sorry I was weak and Cud not control myself with that woman. And its all my fault and not urs... I guess u r insecure about ur boobs which I understand but I fucked up I cheated and its not because of ur body its because i was stupid and weak ... I have never said I donot like ur boobs I have always loved them and have not talked about them being different whenever I have said u have the most beautiful body u came out saying hey I have mismatched boobs and a lot of times and that's when I started suggesting u that then we shud get a boon job to make u more secure... So I donot want u to have boobs I love urs dearly. Pls donot twist my words... I said that may be u shud get boon job but only after ur telling 100 times about them being small so I can build ur security better... U know that I am not a boobs guy any ways ... I love bootie and u have the best one in the city...I donot know what u will decide whether u will forgive me or not... But pls think calmly ...will love u forever and urs truly DH

I don't think this is the OP's DH.  First off the Op is fairly articulate and this joker isn't.  I suppose it is possible the OP got together with such a dimwad, but unlikely.  Moreover, what husband refers to himself as "DH" ???  (last word of post)

Op, please take care of yourself.  Can you change your username or password if he is being a stalkery UAV?

Oh, and he did not cheat on you because of your body.  That may be something he tells you but it is not true.  People with less than stellar looks sometimes have faithful husbands, and gorgeous knockouts sometimes have husbands that cheat.  He cheats because he is a cheater.

[Becky Wheeler]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I don't think this is the OP's DH.  First off the Op is fairly articulate and this joker isn't.  I suppose it is possible the OP got together with such a dimwad, but unlikely.  Moreover, what husband refers to himself as "DH" ???  (last word of post)

Op, please take care of yourself.  Can you change your username or password if he is being a stalkery UAV?

Oh, and he did not cheat on you because of your body.  That may be something he tells you but it is not true.  People with less than stellar looks sometimes have faithful husbands, and gorgeous knockouts sometimes have husbands that cheat.  He cheats because he is a cheater.

Just wanted to point out that I'm very articulate and my DH doesn't spell very well at all and he's not a stupid guy.
 

ETA: This is IwannaBanRN. When I'm logged into my Facebook, it goes to Becky Wheeler. SOOO annoying.

[Drummer's Wife]

Don't let your self-worth revolve around that of a lying, cheating man.  I wish you the best while you move forward and rebuild your positive body image - you know, it starts in your mind, not your physical being. 

Oh, and the Parents as Partners forum is private (or, at least requires 50 posts and 60 days membership) so your not-so-DH won't be able to read anything you share there. 

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Becky Wheeler 

Just wanted to point out that I'm very articulate and my DH doesn't spell very well at all and he's not a stupid guy.
 

ETA: This is IwannaBanRN. When I'm logged into my Facebook, it goes to Becky Wheeler. SOOO annoying.

Well, he is a dimwad for reason not related to spelling...but I see your point. 

[Imakcerka]

Well if she comes back and says its him... they should probably talk this out some where else...

[papabird06]

Its her husband, I wanted to confirm it for the fact.

1. I am sorry I am not articulate as its kinda tough typing thru cell and auto correct... I guess I shud have takes masters in English   rather than Electrical Engineering and then I will wud not be called a dimwad, joker etc etc

2. And nope I am not stalking her. she is the one who showed me all her posts and responses on monthering.com and after reading all the posts I cud not resist but to post a comment and she was well aware of my post.

3. Unfortunately like she has talked about bad about myself, I am not the one who is gonna say anything bad about my wife. I have never ever ever said anything bad about my wife to anyone whatsoever. even online to strangers and she will vouch for that.

4. Unfortunately, she has already made this public matter so I have every right to come and talk here.

5. I want to stress again she was insecure about her breasts and I tried everything in the world possible to make her feel better about it and when i cud not make her feel better about it and saw her so stressed  quite a few times thats when i gave up and suggested she shud get a  boob job so she can feel better about it. I GUESS THAT MAKES BE A BAD HUSBAND THAT I WANT TO MAKE MY WIFE FEEL SECURE   AND HAPPY ABOUT HER BODY. I didnot marry her for her boobs I married her because of the way I felt when I was with her and how i felt about her when I was not with her.

6. yes I cheated and its all my fault and it has nothing to do with who my wife looks and how the other woman looked... My affair with the other woman ended well before my wife found out about it. I was weak I was not thinking I put my whole life at risk.. trust me you guys donot know what I am going thru and as this will be my last post here you guys will never know. I cried I apologized and go  emotional few times a day but that does not matter.

7. Thanks to you guys the only thing she thinks right now is that I cheated on her and a lot of online forums are telling her to leave me. It does not matter that I worked my ass off  70 to 80 hours a week all those 7 years off our marriage and provided her with everything she needs.. she wanted to  be a stay home mom she got that. there are so many things I have sacrificed to.

8. Just so you know before this whole affair started  when we were really going thru rough patch as a couple i tried to ignore her nagging every day when i came home tired after 12 hours of work shift. I tried to take her out on dates and we had the most horrible time. she did not enjoy going out which i really wanted to go out and have fun times with her.

Please donot take me wrong I am not justifying cheating on her at all. I fucked up and I know that its not her fault its all mine. I wish I cud take back the time but I know I can not and now I have to live with the fact that I ruined the lives of my kids and my real love.

9. To be honest Thanks to you guys from mothering and a lot of other online forums This Marriage is over... Thanks for giving judgements on the things you donot know the both sides off. If you were the justice system  then we will never need a defence lawyer and you guys will hang everybody  and donot care the lives of the kids involved in this fiasco.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU GUYS FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART...

[IwannaBanRN]

Well obviously, you weren't thinking about the kids in your marriage when you screwed some other brawd. Honestly, above all, the kids should have crossed your mind if you had any brain at all. And sure, she complains about her breasts. She had a couple kids, and I'm sure she breastfed them. I complain about mine. They don't sit up straight like they used to 5 years ago. Maybe you should have had a weak moment of the tongue and told her how her attitude was affecting your marriage instead of having a weak moment with your d*ck. It's both of your guys' actions that ended your marriage, not anyone else's, certainly not strangers on an online forum. It's not our fault she has a poor image of herself or has a horrible attitude, and it's not our fault that you went outside your marriage. Love is a choice. You two are choosing not to love each other because it's too hard of work for one or the other and the other is forming resentment. It happened with me and my DH, and it wasn't our kids' fault, yet they were caught in the middle. After a seperation, we realized that we were choosing to hold things in that we had problems with and that's what made us choose not to love each other. And even now, I've gotta thank YOU, because I've been back with him for 2 months and was starting to get complacent and resentful of mine and his sex life and rethink being with him, so thanks for the reminder that him and I don't have it that bad and it may be work, but I choose to still work on him and me and love him.

Edited by IwannaBanRN - 9/20/11 at 3:52pm

[Imakcerka]

Thanks to us... you cheated on her and hurt her... thanks to us she found the pictures... thanks to us you were weak... thanks to us you destroyed your marriage... thanks to us your life is over...

[Avani]

Just so inappropriate. To the OP i'm sorry, that's tough. Just know that it typically has nothing to do with what your body looks like. Love yourself.

[lilyka]

to the OP....  when my xh and his mistress were stalking me on MDC I contacted the moderators and they took care of it.  Just sayin' .

[<3mymom]

Just wanted to say that I left a guy who did some of these same things and shifted blame to me the way your husband seems to be doing and I have to say it was the BEST decision I ever made. Sure it was a rough year long breakup involving threats and stalking and all types of horrible things but with some wonderful support it is all over and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am sure you will make the decision that is best for you in your situation but just remember that you deserve happiness.